Chapter 2

"Sir? Mr. Hotchner? Aaron, can you hear me?"

In his disoriented state, the doctor sounded miles away. Hotch tried to turn his head towards the voice; even this slight movement caused him to groan with pain.

"Take it easy, Mr. Hotchner, try not to move. Can you open your eyes instead?"

Hotch's eyelids fluttered a few times then remained open. Dr. Keith Travis nodded in approval. "Good! Welcome back. You gave us all a real scare. We've got you pretty pumped up on pain killers and antibiotics so you will probably feel quite dopey; not a bad thing since you need a great deal of rest."

"Back? Where had he gone?" Hotch struggled against the effects of the drugs; he needed to think straight. "What did he remember...?" Distorted images flashed through his head: the flash of a Glock, the feeling of fire as a bullet entered his body; someone putting a gun to his head; Jack, laughing; a concerned-looking Morgan loosening his tie and Kevlar vest; Rossi holding his hand; more thoughts of Jack; darkness... so much darkness. He swallowed painfully and tried to speak but was stopped by a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder. "No, don't try to talk. You've been through a great deal and need to save your strength. I know that you may not remember what has happened and I promise that I will answer your questions when you've got more stamina. For now just try to get some sleep, ok?" Hotch closed his eyes in response and let the drugs return him to nothingness.

***

Some hours later, Hotch once again regained consciousness. He kept his eyes shut, trying to clear his head. He was still groggy, but was also keenly aware of the pain in his chest and abdomen, not to mention the throbbing in his leg. "Pain meds must be wearing off... but at least the nausea is gone". Hotch tried to remember the events leading up to his being in hospital but once again his memory failed; just the same blurry images he had had earlier and they didn't trigger any more recognition. "What's happened to me? How is Jack? Are the team alright? How bad am I? Why can't I remember?!" Frustration filled him, but he was saved from his aggravation when he heard a stifled cough from somewhere on his right. Slowly, carefully he turned his head and began to open his eyes.

"Aaron?" Hotch heard a familiar voice, which was accompanied by the sound of scraping chair legs as his visitor jumped up from his seat.

It took a few seconds for Hotch to be able to generate a reply. "Sean" he whispered weakly. He looked at his brother. At the best of times, Sean Hotchner did not resemble his elder sibling. He had blond, slightly scruffy hair, and generally sported a day's growth of stubble on his chin. But today, he was even more dishevelled. Black circles surrounded bloodshot eyes. "You... look... terrible..." Hotch was left breathless from his effort and it took several painful gasps to recover.

Sean, looking alarmed at the pain etched on Hotch's face, forced a laugh. "Oh yeah? Well just don't thinking that that sexy hospital gown is going to help you with the nurses, bro. I've got them eating out of my hand!"

Hotch grunted slightly, his mouth turning up in a half smile. He watched his brother pull the chair closer to the bedside. They were in a private room. Hotch recognized the beeping of an ECG monitor and could see a large oxygen tank stationed next to it. He experienced a little déjà vu as he became aware of the tube running under his nose and the electrodes stuck to his chest. "I was in an ICU... how long ago was that?"

"Um, Aaron? You kind of zoned out on me there... dreaming of those nurses, huh?"

Despite the teasing, Hotch knew that Sean was worried and that he was the cause. "Some older brother! I'm supposed to be looking out for Sean, not scaring him. He looks like he hasn't slept in a week. Great job, Aaron." he thought sarcastically. With some difficulty, he slid his arm across the blanket, towards his brother. He opened his hand, palm facing up.

"I'm... sorry... Sean..." he said quietly.

"Aaron, you have nothing to apologize for! It's that porno bastard's fault!" Sean's voice was full of rage but it faltered as he took his brother's hand. He gripped it and bent his head trying to hide the tears in his eyes. "I... I'm the one who should be sorry... I've given you a rough ride over the years..."

Sean was whispering now, "Seeing you lying in the ICU with all those tubes sticking out... and that machine breathing for you...the pump just going up and down, up and down..." he shuddered, "I thought that I would never get another chance to..."

Hotch cut his brother off in mid-sentence, trying to sound stronger than he felt. "Sean, it's okay... you don't have to..." Every word was an endeavour; he ran out of air and was forced to stop, gasping once again.

"Aaron! Aaron, are you okay? Do you need me to get the doctor?"

Hotch shook his head slightly, grateful for the steady stream of oxygen coming from the tube in his nose. He didn't want his brother to know just how weak he was.

Sean looked dubious, but went on, "Look, I need you to know that even though you can be an asshole, I... I'm really proud of you. Always have been. And... And... I love you..."

The brothers gazed at each other for a moment before Sean broke off eye contact. "No profiling me, big brother, I was telling you the truth. And don't make me get mushy again. I'll deny it all in public." Hotch smiled inwardly. His sibling, for all the bravado, was still tightly holding his hand.

"Sean... Sean, I..."

"No Aaron! Stop trying to talk. The doctor won't let you have any visitors if you don't stay absolutely quiet. Nothing to raise your heart rate..."

"But..."

"Please, bro, please! Please... just rest... I couldn't take it if you ended up back in the ICU..." Sean seemed to realize he had gone too far and tried to joke, "...not to mention I'd have the wrath of Haley and your colleagues to contend with."

Hotch had never known his brother to beg for anything, and he could hear the anxiety in Sean's voice. He bit back his questions. It was probably a good idea to keep silent, given his chest still felt heavy and pain radiated from his abdomen. Shifting slightly made him grimace involuntarily. He glanced at Sean, hoping it had gone unnoticed. It hadn't. Sean was watching him carefully, still gripping his hand.

"The meds are wearing off, aren't they?" It was more of a statement than a question. Hotch said nothing. He didn't want to give into the pain but he really was in agony. "I'll be right back."

With that, Sean let go of Hotch's hand, stood and left the room. Hotch sighed and took the opportunity to mull over the information contained in his brother's outburst. "Haley had been here. Had she brought Jack...?" And since the team were talking to Sean, they must all be alright. That was a relief. But the description of him in the ICU scared him more than he would like to admit. "I've got to be ok, for Jack's sake..."

Sean re-entered the room, sat down and started flipping aimlessly through a magazine. He was followed by a stern-looking nurse. She read from a clipboard hooked to the foot of the bed and looked at the patient. "Your brother was right, Mr. Hotchner, you are overdue for the next round of codeine, not to mention some antibiotics. I'll need to check your blood pressure and take some blood first, but then I'll sort you out with some medication. Your brother tells me you're in severe pain, which doesn't surprise me given what you've been through. Are you able to wait ten minutes?"

Hotch nodded as the blood pressure cuff was placed around his arm. While it inflated, he closed his eyes. He was annoyed at the fact Sean had spotted the truth so easily. He didn't want his brother worrying so much; he had to show him he was okay. Hotch was also overcome with the need to feel alive, to regain some control over his body and mind. If the sensation of pain allowed him to do these things, then it was a worthwhile sacrifice. "Nurse?" he murmured.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Please... hold the pain meds... give me only... what you have to... the anti...biotics."

The nurse looked at him incredulously. "Sir, I'm sorry, but Dr. Travis has ordered..." She was cut off in mid-sentence by Sean, who had heard the request, gotten up and come over to the bed.

"What the hell are you doing, Aaron?"

"I... I just..." again Hotch needed to pause to catch his breath. Not only was it extremely tight, but his chest felt as though a hot poker had been put through it.

"You just what?! It is obvious how much pain you're in! Why are you being such an idiot?! Accept the meds for god's sake!

Hotch tried again, "I... need..."

"Aaron, what you need is to quit being so fucking stubborn and take the meds! The doctors know what they're doing!"

"Sir, calm down, this isn't helping." The nurse gave Sean a meaningful look.

Sean threw the magazine across the room in exasperation and walked towards the door. He turned, "Aaron, for once in your life, quit trying to be a hero, okay? Take the god-damn meds. You don't HAVE to show us all how tough you are, we already know. You... aww, just forget it! Let me know when you return to reality."

"Sean, I'm not..." in his agitation, Hotch tried to sit up. He couldn't stifle the cry that came from his lips as his entire body seemed to go into spasm. He fought to remain conscious, writhing and moaning in agony. He lost control of his breathing again. Almost immediately the nurse put a mask over his face and flicked a switch on the oxygen tank.

"Aaron!" Sean's anger was instantly replaced by panic at seeing his brother's distress. Gradually, Hotch's breathing returned to normal and he relaxed. Sean collapsed back in the chair in obvious relief. He looked at his sibling, shaking his head, "Just take the meds." His voice was level but Hotch recognized the hostility in the tone. Apparently, so did the nurse.

"Ok, that's enough! Both of you!"

She pointed at the younger Hotchner. "Sir, I think you should go now and let your brother get some rest. You could do with some sleep too. Don't worry; I'll make sure he gets what he needs." She turned to Hotch. "As for you..."

But Hotch's attention was on his brother. At the nurse's words, Sean had gritted his teeth and nodded; Hotch could see he was barely controlling his anger. The blond man walked out of the room, changed his mind and once again stood in the doorway. "You know what, Aaron? You have no fucking idea! No idea of what I went through! YOU didn't have to look at your brother being kept alive by machines, seeing only wires and tubes everywhere. YOU weren't told that he was probably not going to make it! YOU didn't have to see all the blood-stained bandages or the pain on your face even though you were in a coma... So, Mr. Hero, try thinking about your loved ones, huh big brother?!" And with that, Sean Hotchner turned on his heel and stormed off down the corridor.

Hotch lay back on his pillows, frowning. He was exhausted and confused. "But Sean, I WAS trying to think of you..."