Chapter 3

Supervisory Special Agent David Rossi sat sipping a coffee and watching the goings on around him. Even when he wasn't working, Rossi found it hard to stop watching people and the way they interacted with each other. A hospital's waiting room was a perfect example of the best and worst of humanity. Fifteen minutes into his arrival and he had already observed both an attempted assault on a doctor (presumably for being the bearer of bad news) and the joy of a newborn baby shared with an intern. "We're going to name her after you!" the mother had told the young doctor, who had blushed and quickly excused herself. Rossi smiled. He was about to pick up a magazine when he saw Sean Hotchner march past the waiting area in an obvious temper. Upon reaching the elevators, the younger Hotchner punched the button impatiently and with what Rossi considered to be excessive force.

Dave got up and walked towards the blond man, "Sean?"

Sean was looking beyond Rossi and it took a moment for him to register the fact he'd been spoken to. "Oh. Agent Rossi. I'm sorry, I... um... I was..."

"Elsewhere." Rossi finished for him. "Anything you want to talk about? I'm going to assume from the scowl on your face that Aaron is somehow involved..?"

Sean sighed. His shoulders dropped and his anger dissipated. "I'm usually not into letting you profilers anywhere near my head, but it's pretty obvious that you know my brother pretty well. Probably better than I do...now how sad is that?!" he said bitterly.

Rossi said nothing, just waited.

Sean sighed again. "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that. I'm really grateful for all of your support over the past few days... It's just that Aaron REALLY knows how to piss me off!"

At this, Dave smiled. "Yes, he is rather skilled at pushing a person's buttons when he wants to, isn't he? It makes him a good interrogator...and leader." He paused. "But I can't imagine him being in any fit state to be deliberately trying to goad you?"

"No...No, I guess it wasn't on purpose. But sometimes he's just so..!" Sean's voice was rising again.

Rossi placed a hand on his shoulder. "Easy, son. Come on. Let me buy you a bad cup of coffee. It'll be good to let off some steam and maybe I can help. I was just waiting for the doctors to give me permission to see Hotch when I saw you."

There was a 'PING' as the elevator doors opened and the two men got in. "You could be waiting awhile, Agent Rossi" said Sean as they started their decent. "After today, I don't think they'll let anyone within miles of Aaron."

***

"So Sean, what did Aaron say or do to get you so wound up?" asked Rossi as they found an empty table near a window in the cafeteria and sat down.

"He refused medication, Agent Rossi." said Sean, wrapping his hands around his cup.

"Please, call me Dave. I think we've gone through enough together, don't you?"

"Yes, I guess we have. And thanks for the coffee...Dave." he took a sip. "Ugh! You're right, it's bad. You'd think after a week that I'd have gotten used to it."

Dave smiled briefly, "I think it's probably best for your health that you to continue to dislike it." He brought the subject back to the patient. "Now, exactly what did Hotch say? Better yet, start from the beginning."

Sean rolled his eyes, "You sound just like Aaron." But he continued unprompted, "We were actually having a rare "brother moment", you know? I was holding his hand and telling him...um... well, telling him things that I should have said years ago. Anyway, he insisted on trying to talk, even when I begged him not to. And every time he did, he ran out of air. It was terrifying! He's so weak that he can't even get out a sentence without a struggle... and even then it's only a whisper." Sean ran his hands through his hair in despair.

Rossi felt a pang of guilt. As rational as he was trying to be with himself, there was still a very large part of him that felt he could have, and should have done more to prevent Hotch's shooting.

"He's in so much pain. I've never seen him like this... Never. Not even the time when we were kids and I dared him to climb this huge tree. Nobody had any business attempting it, but of course, Aaron had to make his little brother proud. He fell; fractured his arm in three places. I would have been bawling, but he just sort of sniffled, held his arm and told me to go and get mom. But he DID take his god-damn meds!

Sorry... back to today. So Aaron tries to move his leg a bit and is in agony. He thought that I didn't see it... but his eyes said it all. So I found a nurse and asked her to come in and see how long it was before she could give him something. Turns out he was overdue for some drugs. But just as she's taking his blood pressure, he tells her he doesn't want the pain killers! Can you imagine?! I mean, Jesus, what was he thinking?! Well, it's so fucking obvious he wasn't thinking! Idiot, he's always got to be the hero!"

Rossi studied the younger man. It was no wonder that he was so short-tempered. Since arriving from New York to find his older brother in an induced coma, in critical condition and clinging to life, Sean hadn't left the hospital, other than to accept Morgan's offer of a shower, shave and change of clothes. He was emotionally and physically exhausted. And scared. Although now off the ventilator, Hotch's life was still in danger. The team were all frightened, but for Sean, the sole next-of-kin, it must be so much worse. Dave felt some sympathy for the younger Hotchner, although he was equally sure that Aaron would have had a good reason for his request regarding medication. Rossi made a mental note to ask Hotch about it if and when he had the opportunity to visit his friend.

Dave said gently, "Your brother is a hero to a lot of people, but trust me it's a label he despises. He has never, and will never seek attention in that way. He is all about trying to do the right thing. In fact, he's the most unselfish individual I've ever met. I'm sure there's an explanation for his behaviour, Sean. It might not be logical to you or me, but it will be to Aaron."

"Yeah, well, whatever." Sean put his head in hands.

Rossi tried again, "I'm sure he didn't mean to cause you any more stress..." He leaned back in his chair. "Look, emotions are still running pretty high. Why don't you come back to my apartment? Hotch will be resting now, and I'm sure you could use a change of scenery. I'll come back here after dinner and take the night-shift, ok? I don't mean to preach, but you should try to get some sleep... Aaron is going to need all of us in the next few months, whether he likes it or not, and we need to be strong for him."

Sean nodded and looked up at Rossi. He was beyond resisting; he just wanted to sleep the nightmare away. "Thanks."

***

Several hours later, Rossi looked through the window of Room 307. Hotch, clad in a hospital gown, was lying semi-upright, a blanket covering him from the below the waist. Wires leading from his chest to a cardiac monitor were visible from the top of the gown. An IV located next to the bed was drip-feeding the agent through a tube running from the back of his left hand. His breathing was being assisted by a small hose located under his nose. Hotch appeared to be sleeping, his head tilted slightly to one side. "He looks so pale" Rossi thought to himself, "but at least there are a few less tubes sticking out of him now."

Dave quietly entered the room and sat down in the visitor's chair. He continued to watch his friend, noticing that every once in awhile Hotch would grimace or moan slightly. Each occurrence would send a shiver down Rossi's spine. "It should be me lying there, not you. You're young and have a son who needs his father. And you're the BAU's main guy now, and for the future. I cannot imagine a better man to lead the team. We need you, Hotch… you've got to hang in there and get better."

Dave had never been a particularly sentimental man. Given his occupation and experience with three divorces, he was a realist. He preferred to keep his colleagues at a friendly arms' distance. Not so with SSA Aaron Hotchner, however. Even after retiring from the FBI, Rossi had followed Aaron's rise up the BAU ladder with interest and some pride. After all, it had been he who had first recommended the younger agent to Jason Gideon and he had also had some input into Hotch's training. More recently, the two men had spent some of their free time together, sharing a beer while watching sports on TV. Dave had even persuaded Hotch to join him on a duck shoot. Now, watching his unconscious colleague, Rossi admitted that Aaron was probably the closest thing he had to a 'best friend' so in addition to feelings of guilt, Dave was profoundly concerned about the injured man's fate. At present, Dave felt helpless. Sitting, watching, waiting, praying and hand-holding was foreign to him; he wanted to DO something. "Damn it all, Hotch, I'm going to get you through this. We'll have you back where you belong in no time, as BAU Unit Chief."

Rossi's thoughts were interrupted when Hotch began to stir.

"Hotch?" Dave said softly, leaning forward and taking hold of Hotch's free right hand.

Hotch slowly opened his eyes. "Dave?" he breathed, still somewhat groggy.

"I guess it would be silly to ask you how you're feeling?"

"I've certainly… been…better." Rossi was aware of just how hard it was for Hotch to breathe and speak simultaneously. Sean had not been exaggerating; it was heart-wrenching to witness. Rossi's guilt returned.

"Give it some time."

"Mmm."

"Incidentally, I ran into your brother earlier..."

"Oh." A frown, "How is he?"

"He's fine, but exhausted. I took him back to my apartment for some sleep."

"Thank you…for... looking…after him."

"It's not a problem, Hotch. Whatever I can do to help, I hope you know that."

Hotch nodded and looked at Dave for several seconds with his usual penetrating stare.

"So…what did...Sean...tell you?"

"What makes you think he told me anything?"

Hotch raised his eyebrows but said nothing.

Rossi sighed. "Alright smart guy, he told me that you were trying to refuse your pain medication when it is obvious how badly you need it."

A grunt, "Is that...all?"

"Essentially. But what I want to know is 'why', Hotch. Why not take the meds?"

"Be-…cause… I want… to…be… a hero…ap-…parent…ly."

"Come on, we both know that's not true. So, care to try again?"

Hotch was silent for a few moments. At last he said "I was… just… I didn't want… him to… worry… about me...I'm sup-...posed to...look...after...him..." He closed his eyes and let oxygen from the tube refill his nose and lungs.

Rossi considered the response. "Okay… so your logic is that if you aren't on pain meds, then it must mean that you are getting better and no one need worry anymore, is that it?"

Hotch nodded, eyes still shut.

"Hotch, for such an intelligent man, you're being ridiculous."

Hotch opened his eyes and glared at Rossi. Dave, unperturbed, continued, "I don't think you appreciate the situation… and you're not giving Sean much credit. One look at you is enough to show how much suffering you are enduring. Besides which, your brother is a fully grown man. He can look after himself. It will be good for him to have to worry about you for a change; maybe he'll stop taking you for granted."

These comments were met with stony silence.

"Aaron, it's perfectly acceptable to show pain. Nobody is going to think any less of you. Dammit man, you almost died! And you're still not out of the woods."

More silence. A slight 'psss' from air coming from the oxygen tank was the only audible sound in the room.

Still frowning, and somewhat sarcastically, Hotch finally said, "So en- …lighten me… so I can… ap...pre…ciate…the situation."

Rossi hesitated. The doctors had given him very strict instructions. It was made clear that the patient was not to be upset, excited or otherwise agitated. Nothing was to be said or done that could raise his heart rate too much. Breaking these rules would not only result in all visitors being banned, but more critically, could also directly affect Aaron's health.

Hotch didn't miss Rossi's uncertainty. "What aren't...you...telling...me?"

Dave knew that he had to say something. If he didn't, Hotch was likely to stew over the lack of information and this might do even more damage to his recovery.

"Hotch you have to promise me that you'll stay calm. The doctors don't want you having ANY visitors aside from immediate family, and even then, they won't allow Jack in just yet. I had to beg to get in here and I'm not willing to risk that. They've ordered me to avoid everything that could raise your heart rate, which includes telling you about this last week. I'm sorry, but I care about you too much to put your life in jeopardy."

Hotch mulled this over. "You know...Sean said...the same thing...Nothing...to...raise my...heart rate..." he paused to get his breath, then said anxiously, "Please...tell me...is it...my...heart?"

Rossi vaguely remembered that Hotch's father had had a heart attack at a relatively young age, and thus understood Aaron's fear. He couldn't let his friend worry unnecessarily.

"No, Aaron, it is nothing like what happened to your dad. You were injured in the field, doing your job."

Hotch's relief was palpable. Rossi's stress was eased. They sat in the quiet. Dave still held Aaron's hand. Hotch's eyes had closed again. "He needs to rest", thought Rossi. But just as he was about to voice this opinion to his friend, Hotch spoke, his voice barely audible,

"Dave..?"

"What is it, Hotch?" Dave put his ear close to Hotch's mouth so that his friend wouldn't have to talk any louder than a whisper.

"I'm...confused..." a pause "I can't think...straight...can't...re...mem...ber..." he shifted position slightly and instantly regretted it, pain shooting through him. He swallowed, gulping for air, and gripped the older man's hand tightly.

"Aaron!" exclaimed Rossi in alarm.

Hotch relaxed his hold on Rossi's hand. "I'm ok...I'm ok...Just...give…me...a minute..."

"Aaron, you need to rest. We can talk again tomorrow, when you're a little stronger." Dave made as though to get up from his chair.

"No!.. Please...please wait..."

Rossi sat back down. Hotch clearly wanted to communicate something, which was unusual in itself. Even around Dave, he guarded his personal life and feelings closely. Rossi was not about to walk out on his friend. He waited patiently while Aaron got control over his breathing.

"The...the other reason...for...rejecting...the meds..." Hotch looked directly into Rossi's eyes. Dave could see the pain, the frustration and the worry in their dark depths. He tightened his grip on Aaron's hand. "I just...needed...to...to get...some control...over my...body..."

Rossi was overcome with sadness. Hotch was a master of self-control. For him to be lying in a hospital bed unable to move, breathe or eat without assistance, and without remembering what had happened to put him in such a position must be just as bad as the physical pain itself, if not worse. Hotch was a man whom others relied upon, not who did the relying. Dave nodded his understanding. Aaron was going to say something further, but Rossi shook his head.

"Shhhhh Hotch, it's okay. I get it." Dave smoothed down a piece of Hotch's dark hair and firmly reiterated the statement, looking directly into Aaron's eyes, "I get it."

Hotch looked at Dave. He nodded with gratitude. He knew he was understood. He closed his eyes and slept.