Chapter 6
Grudgingly, Hotch kept his promise to Rossi and agreed to obtain some psychological help. After a good deal of consideration, Dr. Travis referred his patient to a well-known colleague (and close personal friend) who specialized in treating victims of serious trauma. Dr. Ben MacDonald was in his mid 40's, divorced with 2 children, and had over 10 years experience working with law enforcement and emergency services personnel. He had the reputation of being exceptionally intelligent and a 'no nonsense' man. He was extremely successful and consequently, the wait time for a consultation was over a year. Rossi thought this doctor would be the perfect fit for his stubborn friend and was delighted when Dr. Travis was able to get Aaron an appointment.
A nurse brought Aaron's wheelchair to a halt and put on the braking mechanism. Hotch thanked her as she left the room, closing the door behind her. He then painfully lifted himself out of the chair and moved onto a nearby leather couch. The effort left him slightly breathless. As he recovered, he looked about the office. With his highly trained eye, he took in his surroundings. The rectangular room had essentially been divided into two. In one half stood a large oak desk and accompanying chair. On the wall above the desk were various psychology degree certificates, neatly framed. Two large bookcases divided this 'desk' area from the second half of the room, which was clearly designed to put the client at ease. Opposite the bookcases, to Aaron's left, a big bay window afforded a view of the hospital gardens. Even on this, a dreary autumn day, the room was full of light. The sofa he was on was pushed against the wall, the door to his right. Hotch propped his sore calf up on the coffee table in front of the couch. On its other side was a matching leather chair. "For the doctor, presumably." he thought. A live pot-plant sat near the window. Hotch looked up at the wall behind him to find a large, non-intrusive painting of a non-descript landscape. "Nothing offensive. He wants me to feel comfortable within a professional environment. But he's allowed his personality to show through... I wonder if that's an oversight or deliberate..?" Aaron had spotted some framed pictures on the desk. They were laid out haphazardly. The rest of the desktop mirrored this 'laid back' impression, papers strewn about untidily. The photos were school pictures of a boy and girl, only a few years older than Jack. "He's divorced." On a shelf of one of the bookcases, numerous 'thank-you' cards were displayed. "An informal way of telling me that you're successful... Are you really that modest?"
The door suddenly opened and a man bustled in. Dr. MacDonald was of average height and build, with blond hair (currently looking rather windblown) and sharp, blue eyes. He was wearing beige chinos and a pale green dress shirt, open at the neck. He had a large coffee cup in one hand, which Hotch recognized as having originated from the cafeteria. The doctor seemed slightly disorganized yet unruffled. At seeing Hotch, he smiled broadly and approached the agent with his hand extended.
"Agent Hotchner! A real pleasure! No! Please, no, don't you dare get up! Doc T would have my head." After shaking Aaron's hand, he walked over to the desk, tossed the file that had been tucked under one arm carelessly on top of the papers and set the coffee cup next to one of the photos."
"I'm sorry I'm a bit late... I just had to have my afternoon jolt of caffeine." He grinned and sat down in the chair opposite Hotch. He looked slyly at Aaron. "So, Agent, what have you learned about me so far?"
Hotch wasn't surprised by the question; he knew the doctor would have done his homework. He was cautious in his response. Professional reputation aside, trust would have to be earned. "I've learned that you seem to like bad coffee."
Ben MacDonald laughed. "Yep, you've got me there. I keep meaning to get my own coffee maker... but I know that I would forget to use it. Besides, it's nice to get out of the office now and again, don't you think?"
Aaron nodded politely. He shifted his weight, searching for a more comfortable position for his sore leg.
Seeing his client's attempt to hide a grimace, Ben asked "May I offer you a pillow or blanket?"
Hotch accepted the blanket. He didn't want to get too comfortable; some pain would keep him alert.
"So, Agent Hotchner, now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way... Tell me, why you are here?"
Hotch looked down at his hands, clasped loosely together on his lap. He was very aware of his body language. He wanted to portray that he was relaxed and in control of his emotions. "I'm not quite sure, doctor."
The psychologist shook his head. "I'm not buying that, Agent. I've read your Bureau personnel file. You are very deliberate in your approach to problem solving. I can't believe that you are here on a whim. Nor will I believe that you were bullied into coming, although I will assume some pushing was required?"
Hotch said nothing.
"Agent Hotchner, let me tell you two things, and I think that you will appreciate them. Firstly, I will not be intimidated or charmed into signing a 'return to active duty' form. Secondly, I'm not here to stroke your ego and agree with you. I'm here to assist you in coming to grips with what has happened. You don't strike me as the kind of man I will need to worry about being a narcissist, but I will emphasize the former... I won't release you back to the BAU until I think that you are able to perform your complete range of duties. When you're ready for desk work, you're ready for the field; no compromises."
Again, Hotch said nothing.
"Agent? Are we in agreement?"
Hotch returned the doctor's look. "I understand your position, doctor."
Dr. MacDonald smiled. "Good. So, I'll ask you again, Aaron... is it okay to call you Aaron? You're welcome to call me Ben."
Hotch nodded.
"So tell me the real reason why you're here."
In spite of his careful preparation for what he perceived as an interview, Hotch squirmed in his seat. This was his worst nightmare. The last thing he wanted to do was divulge his innermost feelings. He knew that ultimately it would help him, but it didn't make it any easier. He was unaccustomed to talking about himself on any level, let alone on a profoundly personal one. Hotch didn't think he needed all of his deepest thoughts intruded upon; he needed to be careful to share only what he thought necessary. "I've got to try... for Jack's sake. I just need to be my old self, not this guy who is constantly losing his temper. I'd never forgive myself if I yelled at Jack for no good reason. The team deserve better too; I can't be effective if I'm a loose cannon."
"Aaron?"
"I... I..." he coughed awkwardly, frowned and tried again. "I'm lashing out at people and that isn't acceptable. I need to get back to my old self."
"Well, the first thing that you need to realize is that you won't ever be your 'old self' again."
At this, Hotch's head jerked up and he looked questioningly at his psychologist. "I'm sorry, I don't understand..."
"Agent, when you go through a traumatic event... or events, as in your case, you cannot help but change. I'm sure that deep down, you know this already. You've probably seen it first hand in the people you've encountered throughout your career. From what I've gleaned from your file, I would hazard a guess that this scares you. You've seen a lot of negative change in both criminals and victims... It's okay to be concerned, just as long as you don't hide from that fear.
Hotch knew that Ben was accurate in his assessment. He had seen far too many times how traumatic events could turn previously non-violent individuals into murderers. He remembered the case of the young graphic comic-book artist, Jonny McHale, who suffered a psychotic break after his fiancé was murdered in front of him. McHale began to lose himself in the violent world he had created and acted it out on real people. So yes, it worried Hotch that his serious brush with death and subsequent denial might result in him losing his ability to stay in control. Aaron could never kill anyone without lawful cause, but even his recent short-temperedness had set off alarms. He couldn't risk the lives of his team members if he wasn't fit to lead them.
The doctor seemed to read his mind. "Aaron, what you need to understand is that you DO have some control, some say in the ultimate outcome of your experience. It is up to you to decide whether that change is for better or for worse."
"So far it seems to be for the worse..." the words slipped out before Hotch could stop them.
"Why do you say that?"
Aaron fidgeted with one of the bandages still wrapped around his abdomen. He hadn't meant to share that sentiment. Without looking up, he said, "for the reason I've already mentioned. I'm irritable and taking it out on others. It can't continue."
"Then you've already made your decision. You want your change to be for the better, you just need some help figuring out the 'how'."
Hotch pondered his counsellor's words. "So what do I need to do?"
Dr. MacDonald got up and retrieved the coffee cup from his desk. He looked carefully at his patient. "Agent Hotchner, are you acquainted with the stages associated with recovery following a traumatic event?"
"I'm familiar with what the books say, yes."
"And what are those stages?" At Hotch's raised eyebrow, Ben laughed. "I know, it sounds like I'm testing you... and in a way, I am. I want to hear you say the words aloud."
Hotch was relieved to have the attention taken away from him and went into lecture mode. "Generally, an individual who has suffered severe trauma will initially show signs of confusion or agitation. Transition to the next phase is marked by classic denial. Then subjects will tend to exhibit both anger and depression, sometimes in conjunction with continued denial. There can be a period of testing, a learning of new limits, before final acceptance and healing."
"Couldn't have summarized them better myself." said Ben. "Now, have you placed yourself somewhere in that model?"
A frown. "No."
"Why not? You obviously have the knowledge and the ability to apply it."
The psychologist's question had unnerved Hotch. All of a sudden, he was recognizing his behaviour as it related to the science. "I should have seen this before! Denial...anger... What kind of a profiler am I?!" To the doctor, he said, "I... I don't know why."
"Not true, Agent Hotchner." replied Dr. MacDonald calmly.
Aaron glared at him.
Ben seemed immune to the look and continued, "Do you think this model somehow doesn't apply to you?"
"Of course not." said Hotch flatly.
"Well then? Are you somehow unaffected by serious ordeals like being held hostage, being shot, surviving cardiac arrest and coma, unlike the rest of us?"
Hotch felt the anger growing within him and fought to keep himself in check. "What is wrong with me?! I know he's deliberately pushing my buttons. I should be able to handle this!" Keeping his voice even, he said, "I'm not trying to be a hero if that's what you're getting at."
The doctor shrugged. "Okay... then why avoid the psychology?"
Hotch's hands had balled into fists, a movement not unnoticed by Dr. MacDonald. "I don't know."
"Yes you do." Ben decided to push a bit harder. "You think the team will think less of you, will think that you're weak mentally."
"No!" said Aaron vehemently.
Ben arched his eyebrows at the strong reaction. "No?"
Hotch looked out of the window at nothing in particular. He struggled to get himself under control. After a few seconds, his fists uncurled and his anger subsided, replaced by doubt.
"No... Maybe... I don't know."
"Come on, Agent." Ben encouraged gently. He leant forward. "Look at me, Aaron."
Hotch turned his head away from the window. His dark eyes met those of the doctor. Ben could see sadness and desperation looking back at him, in spite of a seemingly restrained exterior.
"Talk to me."
With a supreme effort, Aaron maintained eye contact. He wanted to floor to reach up and swallow him. He took a deep breath then muttered, "It's not the team's perceptions... it's my own. I just think that if I acknowledge the denial, the anger... that I'll have failed... And I will always believe that I wasn't strong enough to get past it..."
Then he added bitterly, "The team won't think less of me; I WILL think less of me."
"And you feel this way about acknowledging your injuries too?"
A brief nod.
"Well Aaron, now we're getting somewhere."
