Chapter 7
Rossi was waiting for him when Hotch was returned to his hospital room. While Dave waited for his friend to get settled in bed, he studied Aaron's face. "It must have been quite a session, he looks tense and tired. A battle of wills and it looks like Hotch may have lost the first round. Good, maybe this doctor can reach him. God knows the rest of us don't seem able to."
Rossi knew better than to ask about the session with Dr. MacDonald. His chances of getting a reply were nil. Instead, Dave kept to a topic that he thought would be safe: work. He started to describe the team's latest solved case. It had involved children being abducted from a series of daycare centres and later suffocated. The only initial pattern was that the 'unsub' was targeting the children based on their surnames; he was sequentially making his way through the alphabet. As he talked, Rossi subconsciously took the gold bracelet from a pocket and fingered its three charms. Hotch noticed the trinket; he couldn't help staring at it. "What IS it about that bracelet?" he thought to himself. "And why am I so taken with it?"
"So it turned out that the unsub was..." Dave finally noticed Aaron's distraction. "... the Cookie Monster who had been denied Oreos for too long."
"Hmm, interesting." Hotch said, not taking his eyes off the bracelet.
Dave shook his head in mock indignation. "Hotch, you're not listening! What's up?"
Hotch wrenched his eyes from Rossi's hands. "Nothing. I'm sorry, you were saying?"
"Sorry, SSA Hotchner, but you've been busted. What were you thinking about?"
"I don't really know." said Aaron truthfully.
Rossi followed Hotch's previous line of vision and realized that he had his bracelet in his hands and that must be what Aaron had been looking at. He was intrigued. "Hotch, has hearing the story of the bust triggered any more memories?"
Aaron was surprised at the abrupt change of subject, but answered. "No..."
"But..?"
"I'm not sure... something about your bracelet..." he sighed. "Sorry, I'm sure it's nothing. Go on tell me more about the case."
"The doctor did say that as you started to get stronger, that you would probably begin to have more flashbacks." Rossi recalled showing Hotch his chain during one of their discussions while being held hostage. He had been trying to keep his colleague conscious, so had been asking questions on anything that came into his head. "What were we talking about?" he mused.
Hotch looked somewhat bewildered and he frowned. "Yes, so I'm led to believe. But what would the bracelet have to do with the bust..?"
It was like a light-bulb going off in his head. Abruptly, the scene was crystal clear. Hotch saw himself lying on the floor of the Gordon house, handcuffed to a radiator. Rossi was similarly restrained, a few inches away. They were discussing their reasons for doing the job. Hotch couldn't remember what he had said, but he now recalled Dave's answer.
"The bracelet... It belonged to young victims in an old case of yours... You came back to solve it." Hotch's dark eyes settled on his friend. He was still frowning slightly.
Rossi impassively returned the look. "You remember? Good! Your memory is starting to come back! I must admit I couldn't put it into context, but yes, now that you mention it, you're right. We were talking about the fact that we're both born profilers."
"Aren't you forgetting something, Dave?" asked Hotch. His voice was low, but there was a warning note in its tone.
It was Dave's turn to be puzzled. "Nooooo... Aaron, what's the matter? You're pissed at me about something, spit it out."
"You can't be an effective leader if your mind isn't one hundred percent in it." Hotch said stiffly.
"Hotch, I'm well aware of that."
Aaron continued to look daggers at Rossi. "You're the BAU Chief now, Dave. You cannot be thinking about old cases! The team needs you! ALL of you!"
"Ah." Rossi realized that Aaron hadn't remembered the complete conversation. He also understood that part of his friend's anger was a result of the trauma; Dave was simply the outlet.
"Hotch." said Rossi gently but firmly.
"What??!"
"You haven't remembered the whole conversation... the case associated with this..." Dave held up the bracelet, "has been solved. I am with the team one-hundred percent. I may not lead the BAU the same way you do, but I care about those within it just as much, Aaron. And I didn't ask to be leader either, don't forget."
Hotch felt a surge of anger, frustration, jealousy and guilt: anger and frustration at his lack of memory; jealousy at Rossi's assuming his position at the BAU; guilt at shouting at his friend when he knew it wasn't Dave's fault. He couldn't control the jumble of emotions. He lashed out again,
"What are you saying, Dave? That it's all my fault?!! Don't you think I know that?!! I missed a portion of the profile, got myself shot and...just about cost...you... your life... Is that...what you...wanted...to hear?! ! Well, now... you have!"
Aaron's outburst was affecting his breathing and he finished his tirade gasping for air and clutching at his injured side.
"Aaron! Calm down, for God's sake before you do more damage to yourself!" Rossi had risen from the chair and was trying to restrain Hotch from any extraneous movement.
Gradually, Aaron's body relaxed and he fell back onto his pillows, still panting. He closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that my error... just about cost you your life... and put such pressure on the team... I'm glad they have a... more competent supervisor now."
Rossi sighed, released his hold and returned to his chair. "And I thought that Sean was the only Hotchner who engaged his mouth before his brain."
"What's that supposed...to mean?" enquired Hotch wearily without moving or opening his eyes.
"Hotch, you clearly aren't thinking straight. There is no way you could have seen Trevor Gordon's violent side from the profile; it didn't show itself until we trapped him with the raid. None of us could have predicted he would even own a gun. And you weren't responsible for getting yourself shot, nor for my being held hostage. Quit blaming yourself!"
Hotch didn't reply. A voice inside of him was telling him to listen to Rossi's words, that his friend was telling him the truth. Moreover, the voice said, he should know better; he was being foolish. "But I should have seen it coming! I should have known that violence from the brothers was a possibility. If I'd just taken an extra five minutes to think it all through, we would have gone into that house prepared! How can I lead this team..?" He struggled to be rational.
Rossi watched his friend closely. He knew that Hotch was having an internal battle. The part of Hotch that was SSA Hotchner, the logical, reasonable persona, was experienced enough to realize that there was no blame in the incident save the actual criminals. But the angry, hurting and confused Aaron was clearly looking for someone to condemn and, because he was a perfectionist, looked no further than himself.
Dave felt helpless. "I think I'd be of more use if he were feeling sorry for himself, but this self-rebuke... I need to find some way of helping him..." Out loud, Rossi asked, "What the hell did you and Dr. MacDonald talk about, if he didn't at least tell you aren't to blame for any of this?"
Hotch shrugged. "I'm not convinced that he can help." he said shortly. "Look, I know I said I thought that I needed some help, but..."
"No 'buts', Hotch." Dave interrupted. "You DO need professional help. And judging from how you looked when you got back from your appointment earlier, I'd say this doc can help you. I'd guess that he probably challenged you and you didn't like it. You're stubborn, Aaron. You need someone who isn't afraid to pit his wits against your will."
There was no reaction from the man lying in the bed. Rossi took a breath and carried on, "Besides, you know damn well that in order to get back to work, you're going to need to undergo a psych evaluation. Even a great profiler like you won't pass that without having come to terms with things. So you may as well get used to talking to someone... and getting the most out of your time here in the hospital." And with that, he left Hotch to his brooding.
***
Haley Hotchner put down the phone and turned to her young son who was playing with a train set on the floor of the living-room.
"Jack? That was Uncle David. I've got some great news; it's okay to visit daddy in hospital now."
The trains were forgotten in an instant. Jack jumped up and down, clapping his hands together. "Can we go now, mommy? Pleeeease? Can we? I want to show him my new caboose!"
Haley smiled patiently. "Daddy's resting now, sweetie. But we can go right after dinner, okay?"
Jack looked disappointed. He sat back on the floor and half-heartedly picked up a toy train. Haley smoothed down a piece of his fair hair. "Just like your father; he's got a renegade lock too" she thought absently. She didn't want her son to be sad. She needed to come up with a way of keeping him busy and distracted for the afternoon.
"Jack honey? Why don't you make a nice card for daddy to cheer him up? We can take it with us tonight."
The little boy's big smile returned; he nodded enthusiastically and helped his mother get out the paper and crayons.
***
Hotch had just finished his dinner when he heard a knock at the door. He was out of bed, sitting in the visitor's chair watching the evening news on a wall-mounted television. He looked towards the still-closed door, expecting Rossi to walk in. "Come in..." said Hotch loudly. Slowly, the door began to swing open and Aaron caught a glimpse of a small mop of blond hair. His heart quickened and he smiled. "Hmm, I wonder who could be here?...Sean, have you gotten smaller?"
"NOOOOOO, Daddy! It's me! You're silly!" Jack pushed through the door and threw himself onto his father. Hotch swallowed his painful grunt and wrapped Jack awkwardly in his arms. "How long has it been since I've held my own son? I've almost forgotten how..."
"Jack! What did I just tell you??! You're not to jump on daddy; he's still hurt!" Haley was admonishing her son as she closed the door. "Sorry, Aaron... he's just so excited..."
Hotch looked up at his ex-wife, still smiling. "It's okay. It's worth it just to hold him."
Haley took off her coat. "How are you feeling?" she asked, sitting down on the bed.
"Better now Jack is here." he ruffled Jack's hair. "Are you going to take off your jacket and stay, partner?"
Jack nodded happily and struggled out of the coat, dropping it carelessly on the floor. He then settled himself on Hotch's lap, his head on Aaron's chest.
"Seriously, Aaron. We were worried sick. How long will they keep you in hospital?"
Hotch regarded Haley out of the corner of his eye. "Her concern actually seems sincere, although it could be more for Jack's sake... not sure how much she still cares for her ex-husband. She certainly didn't fight very hard to keep us together."
Aaron looked affectionately at his dozing little boy. "I'm sorry for scaring you both, I truly am. You know I would never do anything to upset Jack. But as you can see, I'm fine. I hope to be at home soon, then back to the BAU."
Haley bristled at the last words, but she wasn't up for an argument. Instead she said, "Well, now that you're on the mend, I'll make sure that Jack can visit each day, okay?"
"That would be nice."
There was an awkward silence.
"How has he been?" asked Hotch at last. "Dave mentioned you had been here when I was in Critical Care..."
Haley looked at Jack, then back to Aaron. The boy was clutching his father's t-shirt in one hand, but appeared to have fallen asleep. Quietly, she said, "He's been okay for the most part. I wouldn't let him see you while all those tubes were still visible."
Hotch felt a pang of guilt. "Thank you. I wouldn't want him to have seen me like that..." his voice trailed off.
"I wanted to bring him as soon as you were transferred from Critical Care into your own room, but the doctors told us that your life was still in danger and you needed absolute rest... "
Hotch didn't say anything, but contemplated the woman who was once the most important person in his life.
"Aaron, don't look at me like that."
"Like what, Haley?"
"Like you don't believe me. Like I would deliberately keep you from seeing your son."
Again, Hotch maintained his silence, just kept studying her. "She really doesn't think I know that there was someone else... that my trust is gone..." Softly, he said "I hope not. I hope you understand what Jack means to me. He is everything, Haley."
Haley looked away; Hotch thought he saw tears welling up in her eyes. They fell into silence once more. Eventually, having recovered her composure, she faced him once again. "I think you should probably know that Jack has been having some nightmares..."
Hotch frowned and he felt a knot in his stomach. "No! Why must he suffer for my mistakes?"
Dreading the answer that he knew would come, Aaron asked, "Since when?"
Haley took a deep breath. "Since your shooting. We were summoned to the hospital that night; they didn't think you were going to make it and they wouldn't let us see you after the initial surgery... so Jack hasn't been able to set his own eyes on you until tonight. I think this visit will really help him though.
The guilt was almost overwhelming. Hotch closed his eyes, his arms tightening around the boy on his lap.
"Anyway, I talked to a child psychiatrist about it, and she is of the opinion that the dreams should get better as you do."
"What can I do?"
Haley felt sorry for her ex-husband; he looked so heart-broken. Haley saw the old Aaron, the man who put his family above all else, the man she had fallen in love with. She tried to sound less accusatory. "Um... well, when you are able, it would be good for Jack to be able to witness that you're okay in a non-hospital setting... so maybe I can bring him over to the house for an afternoon and overnight visit?"
"Of course."
Jack began to stir. His parents turned their attention to him as he wriggled and opened his eyes. He was a little disoriented at first, but it didn't take him long to realize where he was and who he was with. His entire face lit up in a smile as he looked up at his dad. Hotch's heart melted. "Such innocence..." he thought as he looked back at his son.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Jack?"
"I made you something... Uncle Dave said you were a bit sad..." he hopped down and picked his jacket off the floor, rummaging through the pockets.
Hotch made a mental note to have a word with Rossi. He didn't want his young boy worrying about him; the nightmares were bad enough.
Jack finally pulled out a large, rather crumpled homemade card and proudly presented it to Hotch. It had two stick figures on the front, standing in front of a house. The sun was shining and the figures were smiling and holding hands.
"It's me and you, daddy."
"It's fantastic, Jack! I like your hairstyle."
Jack laughed with pleasure. "Are you not sad now?"
"I'm very happy. Just seeing you makes me happy. Jack, I'm sorry that I scared you. I didn't mean to."
Jack stopped laughing and grew serious. "It's okay. I knew you were going to be okay. And you got the bad guys! You're the best daddy in the whole world! And Uncle Dave says you're...um..." he struggled for the right word... "b-... b-..."
"Brave." Haley prompted.
"Yes!" exclaimed Jack. "Brave!"
Hotch carefully set the card on his bedside table, leaned forward in the chair and hugged his son. "Thank you. And we will spend some time together as soon as I get out of here, okay?"
Jack beamed and nodded vigorously.
"Jack, honey, we need to let daddy get some rest so that he can get strong again. But before we go, didn't you have something else you wanted to give to him?"
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot!" Jack dug his small hand into his coat once again. Hotch recognized the stack of cards Dave had brought from the BAU some weeks earlier, the card from his team lying on the top of the pile. He forced himself to smile as Jack placed them into his lap.
"Uncle David said that you make lots of people happy, and they are sorry that you are hurt so they sent cards too!" The boy looked at his father in awe. "See, I TOLD you you're the best daddy in the world! Look at them all!!!"
Hotch stared at the cards. He didn't want them. He didn't like the fact so many of his colleagues and friends knew of his shooting; it was troubling enough to have his team worrying about him. And he didn't feel brave. But he couldn't disappoint Jack, so he continued to smile and put the cards onto the bed. "I'll open them tomorrow, when I've had a good sleep."
"Okay daddy, but MY card is still the best!"
"Of course it is, Jack. That's why it gets the best place, right here on the table where I can see it."
Jack radiated pride. Haley smiled indulgently at him then glanced at Aaron. She could see that he was tiring.
"Okay you two, bedtime for you both. Jack, say good-night to daddy and put your coat on, please." She said as she donned her own fleece.
Obediently, Jack kissed his father and wrestled himself into his jacket. Hotch helped him to zip it up, gave him a quick hug and watched as the boy skipped to the door and opened it. Haley started to follow, but turned and went over the chair. "Good-night, Aaron. Despite what you seem to think, I DO still care about you and I'm very thankful that you're going to be okay. And Jack will always need his father..." She kissed him gently on the cheek. And with that, the ex-Mrs. Hotchner and her son disappeared into the corridor and were gone.
