Chapter 8
It was a bright, sunny morning but Aaron Hotchner wasn't interested in the good weather. In fact, a miserable day would have better reflected his mood. He was scheduled to see Dr. MacDonald for his second session and Aaron would have given just about anything to have been able to cancel the appointment. Rossi's words about needing to pass the psych evaluation before resuming his position at the BAU kept repeating in his mind. Hotch knew that Dave was right, and so, in spite of all his misgivings, he sat in a wheelchair waiting for an orderly to take him to the Psychologist's office.
Hotch glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. If someone didn't come pretty quickly he was going to be late. "Next time I'll crawl up there myself." he told himself, annoyed.
There was a soft knock on the door.
"Finally!" then aloud, "Come in."
There was a pause before the door opened and Ben MacDonald entered, struggling to balance two coffee cups while working the door handle.
"Morning, Aaron." Ben said, offering Hotch one of the cups. "It's okay, I've cleared it with Doc T.; decaf is fine."
Hotch accepted the cup with a nod of thanks. The doctor passed his own cup to his patient, took the brake off the wheelchair and started to push it towards the door.
"I'm your ride... unless you want to talk in here? Nice digs... wow, and great card!"
"It's from my son... and I'd rather meet in your office, if that's alright."
"No problem. I'd imagine that you would appreciate a change of scenery. Too bad it's so cold out; some sunshine would do you some good." Ben said as they went down the corridor.
Aaron spent the brief trip to Ben's office trying to figure out the psychologist's angle. "Why would he come and get me himself?" he wondered.
"Do you always make house calls?" asked Hotch once the two men had settled on either side of the coffee table in the doctor's office.
"Only for my most stubborn clients... you know the ones... those people that you think might not come back otherwise. They give me a bad reputation; bad for business." Ben gave Aaron a brief smile.
Hotch grunted in response and sipped his coffee. It was definitely as bad as Rossi had led him to believe. He set his cup on the table next to his left leg, which was once again propped up on a blanket.
Ben watched him and saw a quick look of pain cross Hotch's face before it was quickly stifled. "How's the calf?"
"Getting there."
Dr. MacDonald, unperturbed, grinned and shook his head. "This will be a challenge, Ben. Regardless of what he says, this man doesn't want to be here and has built a fortress around himself. Ah well, I always love a challenge... and according to Keith Travis, Agent Hotchner is a man worth the effort."
When Aaron didn't say anything further, Ben said "It's alright, I get it. Trust must be earned. Fair enough." He put his own coffee cup down on the table. "So let's get started, shall we? How's the temper been?"
"Up and down."
"Have you noticed any particular triggers, Aaron?"
"Not really."
Ben sighed and leaned back in his chair. He brought his fingertips together and contemplated his patient. He became serious. "Agent Hotchner, it may go against your training to divulge information, but in this room, less is not more. If you want my help, you're going to have to give me more than two- word answers. And if you don't want my help, please tell me so that neither of us wastes our time. You do understand that anything you would like to say is treated in complete confidence?"
Hotch nodded. He focussed on his leg so he wouldn't need to meet the doctor's penetrating gaze. He swallowed. "I... Dr. MacDonald, this isn't easy for me. I'm a very private person. However, I would like your advice on regaining control of my emotions."
"You'd like my help?"
"That's what I just said..."
"No, Aaron, you told me you'd like my advice. The two are not the same thing."
Frowning, Hotch looked out the window. "He's right, Aaron. You can't keep dodging his questions or playing word games; he's far too intelligent for that."
Ben leaned forward in his chair. "Before you're able to accept my help, you are going to need to admit that you need it...to yourself. Right now you're still in denial about a lot of things, but let's start with denial over requiring some assistance."
The doctor sensed Hotch's internal struggle. He knew the Agent wanted help but didn't know how to ask for it without feeling like he was letting himself down. It was one of the infuriating things about being a psychologist... watching your patients fight themselves without being able to intervene. Whatever he said would not matter until Aaron was ready to listen, and that wouldn't happen until the internal battle was over. All that Ben could do was to try to give the Agent the confidence to be honest with himself.
"Aaron? You can do this. You're an incredibly strong individual, physically and mentally... it's well documented in your FBI file, your team tell me the same and heaven knows you've proven it to your doctors. Let me help you."
More silence. Hotch was still staring unseeingly out of the window. His arms were folded across his chest in a protective pose. Aaron seemed unaware of his body language, but Ben noticed it immediately. He tried a different tact.
"Tell me, how are you with computers and IT stuff?"
The question threw Hotch off guard. "Average, I'd guess."
"And when you need that type of information during a case, what do you do?"
"I ask our technical analyst to get it for me."
"So you ask for his/her help?"
"Her. And yes."
"And you're not thinking that she will think less of you when you call her?"
"Of course not."
"Because?"
Hotch could see where this was leading and cursed himself for falling into such an obvious trap. Reluctantly, he said, "Because it is what she has been trained to do and she excels in that area."
"So if you follow that logic, then surely I'm no different? I'm just a trained professional in an area in which you lack experience and detailed knowledge."
"Yes, but..."
Ben shook his head. "No, Aaron, no 'buts'. Now, do we carry on or shall I take you back to your room?"
The voice inside his head was urging Hotch to stay. "Come on Aaron, you know this man is exceptional at what he does. Give him a chance; you're not making any progress on your own. You simply can't afford to lose your temper at work or around Jack..." He turned to look the doctor fully in the eye and gritted his teeth.
"Dr. MacDonald, I would like… I need… your help…"
***
And with that admission Dr. MacDonald explained that his primary function was to ask lots of questions; pertinent questions which would allow his client to identify the causes and effects of the major issues that were contributing to his distress. Ben aimed to ensure that Hotch explored these triggers and consequences honestly so that the two men, working together, could come up with realistic and sustainable strategies for behaviour change. To Hotch, it all sounded too much like a textbook.
"But at the end of the day, Agent Hotchner, you are the one that needs to genuinely want your behaviour to change, to believe that you can change, and to act upon those beliefs; I cannot do it for you."
Hotch was noncommittal. "I understand."
"I hope so… Would you like anything before we begin? A drink maybe?" Ben walked over to his desk, picked up a pad of paper and a bottle of water, and held the latter up to Hotch. Aaron declined and the psychologist returned to his chair.
It was the first time that the doctor had taken notes and it was a little disconcerting to Hotch. Something about written notes detailing his thoughts was very unsettling. His discomfort must have shown in his body language; Ben said "not to worry, Aaron. I write notes only sporadically; my own sentiments based on what you've said. Besides, I've always been told that my writing is completely illegible."
Aaron wasn't convinced, but let it go. "Let's just get started, doctor."
"Alright, as you wish. How about going back to the real reason that you've come to see me..?"
"As I believe I mentioned at our first meeting, I'm experiencing some difficulty controlling my temper."
"Given the trauma that you've been through, there is going to be some anger. It is natural and part of the healing process. Why is this so troubling for you?" Ben asked.
Hotch was reminded of the stages of recovery that the psychologist had brought up in their first session. Anger, depression, and denial were all to be expected. "But not to the point that I lose total control." thought Aaron. He looked at the man waiting expectantly across from him, debating on how much to say. "As BAU Chief, I am constantly making decisions; decisions that may mean life or death for my team and/or the people that we are trying to save. Often, the hardest decisions are under pressure, in the field. To do the right thing and make the correct choice, I have to keep my emotions out of it."
Ben nodded for Hotch to continue.
"For everyone to be effective and to return physically unscathed, the team needs their leader to keep a cool head in dangerous circumstances. They need stability, not unpredictability."
The doctor had worked with enough law enforcement personnel to know that teams like this functioned on trust. He had heard about the BAU team members' from Dr. Travis. There would be no lack of trust from any of them towards Aaron; they all held him in the highest regard and their faith in their leader was absolute. The fact that Hotchner had been injured only strengthened these sentiments. According to the team, the bad bust had been a fluke; there had been no poor decisions. And more importantly, despite his injuries, Agent Hotchner had kept his calm throughout the ordeal, even diffusing a potentially lethal situation when one of the hostage takers held a gun to his head in full view of the rest of his colleagues. "I need to get Aaron to see the conviction of his squad. It will help his confidence and remove some stress; that in turn should aid his emotional control."
"Aaron, what are your thoughts about the incident that resulted in your injuries?"
Hotch shifted uncomfortably in his chair, moving his sore leg slightly. "I still can't remember..."
"You don't feel anything, regardless of your memory loss? No anger? No jealousy? Nothing at all?" Ben pushed.
Hotch was impressed in spite of himself. The doctor had the uncanny knack of seeing right through him. "He'd make a good profiler; there is no fooling him. He's relentless with the questions too..." Aaron thought for a moment, again weighing how much to divulge. In the end, he answered, "I have some images, but I can't piece it all together enough to give you much of an opinion on what happened. I know that I made a mistake with the profile that got me shot and almost cost a good friend his life. The team did a great job at getting us out. Nothing else really matters." It was delivered in a monotone. Hotch was looking out the window again, arms still folded.
Dr. MacDonald considered his client. The agent's self-doubt and disappointment were almost palpable. Ben sighed to himself. This was not going to be easy. Aaron had made up his mind that he was at fault. Getting him to realize otherwise was going to be a long and difficult road.
"And what do your colleagues think?"
Silence.
"Agent?"
More silence.
"Is it safe to say that they disagree with your assessment?" the doctor questioned. "Perhaps one of them confronted you, triggering a loss of temper..?"
Clearly, Aaron did not want to discuss the issue. The silence lengthened. Ben waited patiently. His patient needed to talk in his own time, or not at all.
Finally, Hotch relented. Without any demonstrable emotion, he recounted his latest visit with Agent Rossi. He spoke in short, factual sentences. He told about his memory being triggered by Dave's bracelet and his subsequent outburst towards his colleague.
"Doctor, this is what I mean... this is why I need your help... if I can't regain control, I'm no longer good to the BAU. And at the moment, I'm not competent to be their leader. They need someone that they can trust to stay calm and resilient..."
The puzzle regarding the source of Agent Hotchner's temper was taking shape. The Unit Chief's frustration at his perceived bad judgement at the bust, his guilt over Rossi's capture, and loss of both his emotional control and physical independence would certainly fuel anyone's fire, no matter how small. And yet the Psychologist sensed that there was something even more profound lying deeper within his patient; he needed to try to find what it was.
Up until now, Aaron had only mentioned work-related things. It was obvious that he was extremely dedicated to his colleagues and to his job, but what was even more revealing was what the Agent did not say. "He hasn't mentioned his family yet." mused Ben.
"Aaron, may I ask you something?"
Hotch met the doctor's eyes and he raised an eyebrow.
"You're an experienced FBI agent. You've had the occasion to work with psychiatrists and psychologists so you'll know first-hand that it takes time to heal from trauma, both mentally and physically. In the overall picture, you are only in the beginning of your recovery. Case in point, you're not able to walk unaided just yet." Ben looked pointedly at Hotch's leg resting on the coffee table.
"And your meaning, doctor?" Hotch asked guardedly.
"It strikes me that you are running away from something. Otherwise, what is the big rush to return to work and not allow yourself the time to heal properly?"
Aaron glanced away, frowning. "I'm not running away from anything. I'm trying to face up to my problem... my temper. That is why I'm here!" he said in exasperation. "As for going back to work, there are lots of people out there who need the help of the BAU."
Dr. MacDonald did not mention the fact that the team had returned to work even though their leader was currently out of commission. Instead, he changed track again. "Agent, what motivates you to do what you do?"
Hotch had intended on keeping talk of his family out of these sessions, but the question seemed fairly innocuous. "My son." he said simply.
Ben smiled. "Family; I can't think of better motivation. It is something we share, Aaron. As much as I enjoy what I do, I have some long days. My two kids... you'll have noticed their pictures on my desk?.. remind me of why I am here. You have just the one child?"
"Yes."
"How old is..?"
Aaron felt a surge of guilt that he had to stop and think for a brief minute, "Jack is four."
"My eldest is nine, youngest six. They live with their mother so I don't see them as often as I should." Ben watched his client for any reaction. Hotch's facial expression gave nothing away, although the doctor thought he detected a slight softening in his eyes. "He's relating to that..."
The easing of Aaron's body language told Ben just how much the boy meant to his father. He knew that the agent was divorced; it was in his FBI file. He also was aware that Aaron would expect Ben to know this already, having possession of the file. What Ben didn't know was the circumstance surrounding the divorce, other than the snippets he had gleaned from his brief chat with Agent Rossi prior to Hotch's first session. However, the doctor's intuition was that this client would do anything for his son, so he suspected that divorce and loss of custody would not have been something Aaron entered into lightly... or willingly. Moreover, Ben knew all-too well that divorce leaves lasting scars, scars that can be buried deep within a person. It would certainly answer the Agent's strong desire to return to work so quickly; he was indeed running away. "But how to get Aaron to see that he is potentially avoiding dealing with his divorce..?" pondered the Psychologist. "Alright, one step at a time, let's keep him in the present, let's get him over this negative spiral of self-doubt, frustration and anger..." He returned to the issue of anger management.
"How has Jack taken your shooting?" Dr. MacDonald asked gently.
Hotch's reply was almost unnecessary. Ben could see the sudden sadness and guilt which appeared in the Agent's eyes. "He, um... he..." Hotch took a moment to gather himself. "He's experiencing some nightmares."
Aaron looked almost pleadingly at the doctor. "Haley has taken him to a child psychologist, who seems to think that the dreams will get better as I do..?"
Ben nodded vigorously, "yes, that's true in the majority of instances. You'll be able to help speed the process once you're released from hospital. Jack will be able to see his dad do the 'normal dad things' again and that should ease his anxiety." He paused, "Have you been able to see him yet?"
There was a short affirmative nod.
"How did it go?"
Hotch's frown disappeared and the traces of a smile appeared for an instant before being replaced by the now-familiar controlled, neutral expression. "It was fine..." Aaron knew this was insufficient, that he was talking as one father to another. He added, "It was an unbelievable feeling to hold him again." He briefly described the visit but selectively left out mention of the stack of get-well cards and his exchanges with Haley.
Ben stroked his chin thoughtfully. He didn't comment, simply scribbled a few words on his pad of paper. Even though there had been no emotional eruption during the visit, the doctor could sense that Aaron was holding something back from his narrative. "What aren't you telling me, besides reference to that big pile of get-well cards I saw in your room?" he thought. Ben recognized that his patient was well-versed in avoidance techniques and would look to deflect attention from the deeper issues.
Hotch was suddenly weary from the constant questioning and the care with which he was taking in forming his answers. He knew that the self-profile that he had meticulously planned to project in the Psychologist's presence would soon start to crack. He needed the session to end soon; he had already imparted more information than intended. Before he could act, however, Ben posed one last question and it brought Hotch back from his thoughts with a jerk.
"Aaron, are you afraid of losing your temper with Jack?"
The question was like a thunderbolt; Hotch flinched involuntarily. Ben had his answer.
Several minutes passed in silence. The doctor used the time to study his patient. He knew that he had hit a raw nerve but he had needed to shake things up. He was aware that he was being played, that Aaron was consciously or unconsciously being very deliberate and limiting in what he said. He was giving the impression of a man in control, whose sole issue was a quick temper inappropriate in the work setting. It was a great underestimation of the depth of pain that the Agent needed to work through. This was not a good start, and would not work in the long run; but worse than his attempt to deceive his psychologist, Aaron was deceiving himself.
"Agent Hotchner," Dr. MacDonald looked sternly at the man sat opposite him.
Hotch didn't move, nor respond.
"Aaron! I need you to listen to me. To listen, and to hear what I'm about to say."
Slowly, Hotch's eyes met those of his doctor. "He's totally exhausted." observed Ben, "Not a surprise... it takes an incredible amount of energy to try to ignore your deepest feelings." He re-assumed his firm tone,
"Aaron, you are a strong, intelligent man and I'm sure your performance today would have been very successful in an interrogation or courtroom. Your apparent control is commendable." Ben paused, "But it was a guise for the most part. While you told me the truth, in-so-far as you went, you refused to take a long, hard look at the deeper issues. You ARE running away from something, and I have my suspicions as to what that is. I CAN help you, Agent, but as I said at the beginning of this session, you must first want to help yourself. Nobody said this was going to be a quick fix, nor an easy one. So I'm going to challenge you to look past the obvious, superficial problems. Until you can do that, until you can be completely honest with yourself, things are NOT going to change..." Ben got up and put the pad of paper onto his desk.
"Now it's obvious that you're tired, so let's leave it there for today. I'll call for an orderly to take you back to your room."
For a minute, Hotch didn't move. He was disappointed in himself. His strategy to stick to the facts had backfired and he had underestimated Dr. MacDonald's skill. Furthermore, he knew the doctor was right, but admitting his real motivation for a speedy return to work... he wasn't even sure he was ready to admit it to himself. It would be yet one more failure to add to his growing list. Wearily, he hauled himself off of the couch and into the wheelchair.
