Chapter 13
Sean Hotchner took a last look around his small apartment and picked up his duffle bag. His eyes fell upon two framed photographs which sat on a shelf amongst his cookbook collection. In the first picture, two young boys stood smiling with their arms wrapped across each other's shoulders. Sean grinned at the memory; he and Aaron had arrived home from school. What the photo didn't reveal was the fact that along the way, Sean had gotten into an argument with a group of older boys. The bigger boys had started to push him around; he raised his fists to fight but didn't stand a chance. Just when he thought he would be beaten up, Aaron had appeared seemingly from nowhere and managed to get the bullies to leave without a punch being thrown. Sean remembered being in awe of his big brother. 'He's always been protective of me... annoying as hell, but damn, he's good at it.'
The second photo, taken the previous Thanksgiving, also depicted the two brothers but the smiles were slightly more forced and there was no physical contact. Sean's grin faded and he sighed. 'We'll just have to update that shot' he told himself as he checked his jacket pockets for his plane ticket and left the building to hail a cab.
***
It seemed to Aaron Hotchner that more than five days had passed since the last time he had been in Dr. Ben MacDonald's office. So much had happened and Hotch was still trying to sift through the myriad of his emotions. He remained hesitant with the notion of bearing his soul to a psychologist, but the accident and horror of hours spent thinking his son had died had subtly changed his attitude in that regard.
Ben too, found a difference in the agent. Hotch appeared to be more open and willing to accept other opinions. Whether or not he truly believed them was another matter, of course, and only time would tell.
Presently, the pair was seated in their customary positions opposite one another. The difference was that Aaron was dressed in jeans instead of scrub pants and no longer needed to prop his leg up on the coffee table. In fact, Hotch was due to be released from hospital later that afternoon. He had mixed sentiments about that too; he wasn't sure if he was ready.
The doctor and patient were discussing the day of the huge snowstorm, which had also been their last appointment. Ben had been extremely relieved to hear that the injured boy turned out not to be the agent's son; he had been dreading the ramifications of a different outcome on Hotch's still-fragile psyche.
"Aaron," Dr. MacDonald said after the main details of that day had been told. "Tell me how you felt not knowing where your son was?"
Hotch gave the psychologist an 'isn't that obvious' look before answering, "Like any parent would be, I was out of mind worrying... thinking the worst and trying to imagine my life without him... and, of course, having some regrets."
Ben was intrigued. 'No Aaron, not 'of course'' he thought. Aloud, he asked, "What are those regrets?"
Inwardly Hotch groaned. He knew this was coming but hadn't seen a way to avoid it. He avoided eye contact with the doctor and said "I haven't been there enough for Jack, haven't spent enough time with him."
"And how did your feelings change when it was possible that the boy in surgery might be Jack?"
Hotch thought for a moment. At the time, he hadn't really separated the two possibilities, but looking back on it, his perceptions had changed slightly. "I had hope once the doctors told us that the child would survive... it was the first glimmer of belief in hours." He looked at Ben. "I felt like I was being given a second chance to be a good father."
Dr. MacDonald replied sternly, "Just because you're a divorcee does not make you a bad father."
Hotch said nothing, but turned his head to look out the window. The doctor had gotten used to this sign of discomfort from his patient; it was a clue that something deeper was troubling him.
"Aaron, tell me about your childhood and your relationship with your father."
Hotch's head swivelled back and his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Doctor, please don't give me that psycho babble on overcompensation of children for their delinquent parents."
"Was your father delinquent?" asked Ben, indifferently.
Aaron exhaled deeply. "It depends on your definition."
"Okay, so tell me about him. How did you two get along?"
"Alright, I guess. He was a lawyer within a successful practice. Looking back on it, we didn't really know each other. He died when I was quite young."
"A lawyer, eh? Weren't you a prosecutor prior to the FBI?"
A nod.
The doctor smiled, "A good role model then."
Hotch didn't smile or reply, but stared again out of the window.
'Mmm, that comment went over like a lead balloon...no smile, no reaction... interesting.' Ben jotted a few notes onto his pad. He now had some more insight into the seeds of Hotch's regret with respect to Jack... and his yet-to-be-admitted fear of failure. He wanted to know a little more, and to see how his client reacted to further questions.
"What do you remember about your dad, other than his work?"
Aaron shrugged. "Not all that much. He worked long hours and... uh...was known to have had affairs. I suppose what I recall is his absence, more than anything."
'Bingo.' thought Ben. He changed tact. "Aaron, in your opinion, what makes a 'good' father?"
Hotch rested his forehead against the fingers of one hand. "I... I don't know anymore, doctor."
"What do you mean, 'anymore'?"
"Before this week, I would have said love... spending time with my son... being a good role model."
Ben nodded encouragingly, "but now?"
Aaron got up restlessly and went to stand by the window. He crossed his arms over his chest, thinking.
"I... I'm truly just not sure. Somewhere along the line my idea of 'good' became a little blurry."
Dr. MacDonald knew they were starting to get somewhere. Finally the agent's fortress was starting to crack; he was questioning previously held, solid convictions. Ben pressed on.
"When did it become blurred? During the snowstorm, while waiting for news on your son?" he guessed.
"That and afterwards."
Ben raised a questioning eyebrow. "Afterwards? What happened?"
"I had a talk with Agent Morgan." Hotch said softly.
'Excellent!' the doctor thought joyfully. "May I ask what you discussed?"
Grudgingly, Aaron described the visit with Jack and subsequent conversation with Morgan. He gave a complete account, although he steadfastly looked out the window when relating Morgan's complements of him. Ben shook his head. 'The man simply refuses to accept praise... I wonder where that stems from...' He was about to ask, but decided not to distract the Agent from his current train of thought.
Instead, Ben said firmly but quietly. "Agent Hotchner, the first thing you mentioned was 'love'. It is definitely the most important ingredient in parenthood. Now, if you have any doubts whatsoever about your son's love for you, or your own love for him, we have some serious work to do... You have done everything imaginable for Jack. As Agent Morgan told you, correctly I might add, you have not let anyone down, especially Jack.
"But I'm curious. To make use of that 'second chance' as you put it, what would you like to do differently?"
Hotch hesitated and looked down at his feet. "I, um, I'd like to be a better role model and be there for him more than I am now..."
The doctor laid his pen and pad of paper on the coffee table. He got up and joined Hotch at the window.
"Aaron, look at me."
Hotch's eyes met Ben's. Ben continued, "Your son couldn't have a better role model. You have a very successful career. You earn enough money that Jack will not want for anything. AND, and this one is crucial! When you are with your son, he has your undivided attention. As for more time... we all want more time with our kids. But we do the best we can to balance ALL of their needs... time is only one of those; an important one, but a single factor nevertheless."
The Agent frowned, mulling the words over in his head. He knew that his son loved him. He just didn't want Jack's memory of his dad to be one of absenteeism. He wanted a father-son relationship where each knew the other, that Jack felt he could come to Hotch in any situation. That type of bond meant the investment of time...
Ben seemed to read Hotch's mind. "And Aaron..?"
Their eyes met again.
"Don't forget that 'time' isn't defined in black and white terms."
This thought had never occurred to Hotch. "What do you mean?"
"Many parents spend so-called 'time' with their children, but let's face it, a lot of that time is spent sitting on a bench while the child plays on the monkey bars, or reading the paper in the same room in which the youngster is on the computer or watching television. You are different. Because you understand that you cannot be with your son as much as you would like, your time with Jack is direct and hands-on. You shouldn't need me to tell you that that first-hand attention is exactly what a child needs. You have to remember the saying 'quality over quantity'. Do you get my meaning?"
Hotch's brain was racing. 'He's got a point... several, in fact. I can still do better, but maybe I'm not a total loss as a father... Haley has never complained about my visits in themselves, just the lack of them... And Jack seems to be pretty well-adjusted and happy...'
Dr. MacDonald noticed a softening in his patient's expression; he knew that Hotch was considering the new viewpoint. 'Good! He's making great strides today.' He decided to push things that little bit further.
Returning to his chair, Ben said, "One last question about Jack and then I'd like to talk about Agent Hotchner, Unit Chief. From our discussion today so far, do you think that you resigning from the BAU would be good for your son?"
If Hotch was surprised by the question, he didn't show it. In fact, his expression was one of slight confusion. "I used to think so. After all, it is my job that takes me away from my family..."
Ben immediately picked up on the use of the term 'family' although Aaron seemed not to have noticed. 'He really needs to come to terms with his divorce...' he mused.
"But..?"
"But...uh... It's like you say, doctor, it is also my job that allows me to ensure Jack doesn't want for anything and..." here Hotch reddened slightly and he lowered his eyes, "...and Jack seems to be proud of what I do..."
"Smart lad." commented the psychologist. 'Okay, I'm finally getting him to re-think his fathering ability; time to move on and let that simmer in his mind. I'm very encouraged with his progress... maybe something positive did come out of that horribly stressful day. There is nothing like psychological trauma to help one do some serious inspection of themselves!'
"Do you need a break, Agent? We've been at his awhile... or we can stop for today, but I think that we're moving forward, so I'd like to keep going if you're up to it?"
"I'd like to continue as well, doctor. And I'm fine, thank you."
"Great! So let's go back to the BAU and this resignation business. How serious were you?"
But before Hotch could answer, Ben interrupted.
"No, scrap that. First, I'd like to know how you've found your temper to be this week, and if you're still having those severe physical reactions to your flashbacks?"
Much to Aaron's surprise, he was able to report no new incidences of lost temper or body control. He had spent so much timing worrying about Jack he hadn't thought about his outbursts since the last appointment with the doctor. His extreme relief was palpable. Dr. MacDonald also suspected that he had his answer regarding the agent's desire to return to the FBI. Ben smiled broadly.
"No more explosions or fainting? That's fantastic news! Although I can't say that I'm surprised. The way you handled the phone call from Agent Jareau was illuminating... and inspiring. Good, we can move on then, agreed?"
There was only a split-second delay before Hotch nodded his assent but Ben caught it. He frowned.
"What is it Aaron?"
"I... nothing. I'm okay."
The doctor raised his eyebrows and sighed loudly. "Nice try. Come on, out with it."
Hotch's eyebrows furrowed. "I'm just a little concerned about physically freezing in the middle of a raid."
Dr. MacDonald regarded his patient calmly. "Agent, I firmly believe that by the time you're physically and emotionally ready to return to the BAU, you will be absolutely fine. You've come a long way in just a week!"
Hotch sighed. "I know that I should be okay, but I'd never forgive myself if someone was injured unnecessarily because I couldn't fire my gun in time."
"Aaron, that is all about getting your confidence back which is tough to rehabilitate. The brain isn't faked out by artificial environments so 'practicing' the type of stresses you're likely to encounter isn't particularly useful. However, for you... your confidence will naturally kick in when you get into your first case... just like riding a bike."
"How can you be so sure?" Hotch wasn't convinced.
"Because I saw how you exuded leadership and coolness under the worst possible circumstances: a potential personal tragedy."
Hotch was dubious. However, in spite of himself, he did take some solace in the fact that he had managed to keep himself in check during the Jack-scare, albeit barely.
The psychologist let several minutes go by in silence. He wanted to give Aaron an opportunity to absorb what had gone on in the session so far. The agent remained at the window, lost in his own thoughts.
"So," began Ben conversationally, "it seems like Agent Morgan made some interesting points."
Hotch turned himself away from the window and returned to his seat on the couch. "He gave me some things to think about." He conceded.
"I found his admission of taking you for granted very forthcoming... a sure sign of respect. I was also interested in his take on your flashbacks. How did you feel about Morgan's comments?"
Agent Hotchner felt like he would rather have a root canal than answer the question. The conversation with Morgan had been unsettling. Mainly, Hotch admitted, because Derek was probably right... there really was no-one to blame in the bust going bad. Hindsight was always 20-20 and Aaron knew that if he went too far down the 'if only' road, his effectiveness as a leader would be lost. Exactly when he had come to this realization, Hotch wasn't sure, but he felt foolish for having argued so adamantly otherwise. 'Dave must think I'm a fool...' he thought ruefully.
Eventually, Hotch became aware of the silence and that Dr. MacDonald was still awaiting an answer.
"Sorry. I... I think I was surprised by his words. Agent Morgan is always very direct, so that he could say something unexpected caught me off guard."
"Specifically, what did he say?"
"He ah... described the BAU as a family."
"Do you agree, Aaron?"
"In many respects, yes. The nature of what we do, the horrors that we witness create a very strong bond between us; that and the hours we spend together."
Ben leaned forward. "Then why were you surprised?"
Hotch stretched out his legs, wondering how to formulate his words. "Morgan tried to use the analogy to diffuse my responsibility as the team leader."
"And you disagree?"
"At first, yes... I was so focussed on the bad bust..."
Ben said knowingly, "And trying to blame yourself."
Hotch glared at the doctor, but then a slight smile crossed his face. "Yes, I was stuck in a rut thinking that as Unit Chief, I should have prevented it."
"I'm glad you've come to your senses." Dr. MacDonald teased.
Aaron bit back a retort, which made Ben laugh out loud. "Good save! You're definitely over your anger management issues!"
The two men grinned then Ben brought the conversation back on track, "So you disagreed with Derek's vision of leadership as related to the bust, but then you changed your mind?"
"I... I'm not sure that I've entirely changed my mind. In Morgan's head, a family relies on all of its members and doesn't place blame...everyone relies on everyone else..." he paused to take a sip of water from a glass on the table. "But that is too simplistic. If there were no extra reliance on the leader, who accepts responsibility when things go wrong and it IS appropriate to blame someone? Who makes the final decision when there is discord? Having a leader is necessary for us to function as a cohesive unit."
"Do you think that the same holds true even in a more traditional, social sense of 'family'?"
Hotch considered that. "Yes, although the leader can change in different circumstances."
"Ah ha!
Aaron looked questioningly at the doctor. "Ah ha?"
"You say that the leadership role can change in different circumstances in a family... so why can't you accept the same to be true at the BAU?"
"I'm not following..."
"Under normal working conditions, would you admit that your team depend on you? They may each contribute, but at the end, you make the decisions and are the leader, correct?"
"When you phrase it that way, then I suppose so, yes..."
"Ok, but now you're injured. Circumstances have changed. Outside of the FBI, this hasn't been a problem for you. You simply accept the role change until you're healed. For example, you didn't put up a fight when you needed someone to push your wheelchair as long as it wasn't one of your team. But when thinking about the BAU, you aren't able to do the same. You still think you should have been making the decisions, being the role model even when you were bleeding profusely and a hostage, when fighting for your life in the ICU, and even now, when officially you've been placed on sick-leave. I've heard how you refuse to let your colleagues help with your rehab and physiotherapy exercises...
"I think that what Agent Morgan was hinting at is that you are used to people relying on you. But now that things have changed, you cannot seem to accept the reverse. Derek was trying to get you to see that you have to let yourself depend on the rest of the family.
"You're a very unselfish man, Aaron. But now is the time to let those around you who care, give you a hand. I know your refusal isn't a pride thing. You're not a narcissist; you just seem to have an exaggerated sense of leadership. And from one of our first sessions I know that you may see the acceptance of aid as a sign of weakness. But you can see from Morgan's other complements how deeply respected you are... accepting help will not take away from your authority. In fact, it will only make you stronger in your team's eyes because it takes courage to admit that you need it. I hope that you can begin to see that.
It was a great deal to absorb and Hotch was beginning to feel drained from all of the concentration that had been required. But he also felt like he was getting somewhere at last. The original issue of his angry outbursts was gone and he was hopeful that the flashbacks would be manageable. The deeper, unspoken fears of being a poor father and someone no longer effective in his job were lingering, but Hotch no longer felt overwhelmed by them. He felt his confidence gradually beginning to return... certainly not to the extent he needed it to be for BAU Unit Chief, but for the first time since his shooting, Aaron was optimistic he would recover fully, both physically and emotionally. 'I'll be ready for that psych eval! After Ben, those FBI doctors will seem like amateurs.'
Ben watched his patient carefully. He was pleased with the progress that had been made but saw that Aaron had had enough for today. Hotch had leant his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. And yet the psychologist had one last challenge up his sleeve.
"Agent?"
Hotch opened his eyes and looked expectantly at the doctor. "Yes?"
"Tell me something... have you opened that big stack of cards in your room yet?"
Hotch was startled. He didn't know that Ben knew anything about the cards. He cringed.
"I... uh...I... No, I haven't."
"Why not, Aaron?"
The patient reassumed his defensive posture, arms folded protectively across his chest. "I... I... People shouldn't have sent them in the first place." he mumbled.
Dr. MacDonald sighed. 'Well, I can't expect him to have healed completely...'
"Agent Hotchner, I thought that we were past you blaming yourself for the bad raid?"
Hotch unfolded his arms and began fidgeting with his hands. "We are."
"Then what is the problem with colleagues and friends wishing you a speedy recovery?"
"I... I don't know... Maybe... irrespective of blame, I just don't feel like I deserve them."
"Why would you say that?" Ben asked gently.
"I just don't want this whole thing as being seen as heroic. Lots of people get shot and survive. This shouldn't be such a big deal."
Ben shook his head in disbelief. Hotch had bowed his head, his hands folded together on his lap.
"Aaron. While that may be true, this was not a case of a simple gunshot wound and I think if you look deep enough within yourself, you know that. You cheated death. Yes, there are others who have also beaten the odds. But it is your actions during that time that stand out... diffusing the escalation of your captor's behaviour with a gun to your head and whilst suffering severe blood loss; insisting on Agent Rossi's release before your own; dashing out into a severe snowstorm while still physically impaired... need I go on?"
"No. Please don't. I'm sorry, I just don't see any of that as being special... my colleagues and any parent would have done the same."
The doctor sighed. "We'll argue some more about this next session... You will come back even though you're an out-patient, won't you?"
Hotch nodded. "You have been very helpful, doctor. Thank you."
"No, Agent, no need to thank me. YOU did all the work. We're not quite there yet, but we've taken some big steps forward today."
They rose from their respective seats and shook hands. Hotch saw a twinkle appear in Ben's eyes. He groaned.
"Now what?" he asked.
Ben laughed. "I have a homework assignment for you."
Hotch grunted warily and waited.
"I'd like you to bring those cards to our next appointment... opened and read."
Aaron rolled his eyes but reluctantly agreed. He was halfway out the door when Ben spoke again,
"And Aaron? If you need any reminder of today, or you need motivation to pick up a letter-opener for those cards just look into your son's eyes... or at that wonderful statue he gave you."
'Now how did he know about that?!!'
***
