Set Against the Grain
Drabbles following the exploits of Zack and Cloud, via Final Fantasy VII/Crisis Core.
--3--
Sometimes, when he let the cold seep deep enough to numb him, Cloud thought of Zack. And it wasn't the good moments, either. Memories of Zack were etched so complexly into his memory, he still wasn't able to separate most of them from his own experience of events. Though, if he were completely honest with himself, he'd admit he wasn't ready to separate the memories. Doing that meant removing Zack from his life completely. The memories and experiences would be corrected, but Zack's imprint, whatever form that had taken, would no longer weigh upon him. And Cloud lived for so long under the weight of Zack's legacy, he wasn't willing to give it up. It was a comfortable weight to bear.
Zack was gone.
Nothing in Cloud's life had ever felt so real. Zack was a constant part of him, but he was still gone. The years Cloud lost while on the run with Zack caused his memories to further crack and peel under the weight of loss and trauma. And their days in Shinra felt like only moments ago in Cloud's distorted recall.
Each new morning brought with it the clarity of knowing—the reality of understanding. Over time, his memories pieced themselves together; and as they did, Cloud could feel the remnants of his friendship with Zack falling apart.
He was losing Zack.
Tifa didn't understand why he secluded himself from the rest of them; not one of them understood. The collapse of Shinra and the end of Sephiroth brought hope to all of them—but not to Cloud. Midgar was slowly rebuilding itself after its own destruction, and Cloud desperately wished for the same. On the outside, he was a hero. He was a savior. And he had overcome more than anyone ever thought he would. But he could not overcome himself.
Cloud could remember his encounters with Sephiroth just as clearly as his friendship with Zack. The parts of his life that occurred before Zack's death had become the more vivid memories of all his experiences. And even as Zack's words continued to echo within and through him, so did Sephiroth's.
Cloud was beginning to think Sephiroth was right. He may have saved the planet from destruction, but he was never able to save himself. The planet was recovering, and Cloud was slowly falling apart. Bits and pieces of himself were being separated and destroyed each moment he revisited his memories. Every time he heard Zack's voice in his head telling him to combat Sephiroth's mind games, he wondered if it would be the last time that voice filtered through the fog of his cluttered memory. If he alone would be strong enough to withstand the next fight.
Agonizingly, he waited for the day when his memories of Zack would be lost forever, and lived with the hope that it would never come.
