Yo. I'm going to give you the exact same notice that I'm giving all my stories.
I know by now, and you should know by now, that I will never ever meet a deadline. Nor will I ever update before I'm ready with a chapter I'm comfortable with just so that I can say 'I updated quickly!' Please, stop nagging me about it; it won't do you any good. I'll update this story when I'm written a chapter and am fully happy with it, and if that takes a few months, so be it. If I lose some readers that way, then that's just too bad, but I'm not writing this for a review count; I'm writing this for my own satisfaction.
Disclaimer: Aahahahah! Ahahaha! Surely you jest!
Chapter 8: They WOULD Be Carnivores
"This…is definitely weird," stated Lila.
Han sat up, and one of the…whatever they were pointed a spear at him. "Hey, point that somewhere else!" he said, pushing it out of the way. The creatures argued and then the spear was right back in front of Han's nose. He grabbed his blaster, but Luke stopped him.
"Don't, it'll be alright," said Luke.
"Are you sure about that?" asked Lila.
"Oh, my head!" cried Threepio, sitting up. The creatures immediately stared at him and began bowing and chanting.
Han, Luke and Lila started at each other. Lila had the feeling Han at least was holding back the urge not to laugh, as was she. Because really, anything that worshipped C-3PO was definitely out of whack. It didn't help that the golden robot began conversing with them in what appeared to be their own language.
"Do you understand what they're saying?" asked Luke uncertainly.
"Oh, yes, Master Luke! Remember that I am fluent in over six million forms of communi—"
"What are you telling them?" interrupted Han.
"'Hello,' I think," answered the protocol droid.
"You think?" asked Lila.
"I could be mistaken. They're using a very primitive dialect, but I do believe they think I'm some sort of god!"
Silence. Lila waited for someone to say he was joking, but no one said anything. Luke was at this point definitely holding back a smile.
Han rolled his eyes. "Well why don't you use your divine influence, and get us out of this?" he asked in a fake pleasant voice.
"I beg your pardon, but that just wouldn't be proper. It's against my programming to impersonate a deity!" protested C-3PO. Han rolled his eyes and Luke smirked.
"Wait, what?" asked Lila.
I said that my programming specifically does not permit me to—"
"Your programming."
Luke glanced at her. "Lila, where are you going with this?"
"Nowhere, I'm just pointing out the absurdity of this! There is no logical reason for someone to build a robot and then think, 'ooh, better make sure he can't be a god!'" ranted Lila.
"So?"
Lila sighed in frustration. "SO, something must have happened to make someone realize they had to do that!" She eyes Threepio speculatively. "Threepio, have you ever impersonated a god?"
Luke raised his eyebrows. "By that logic, Threepio knowing how to understand these creatures is only possible if he's been here before."
"Hey, you never know," muttered Han.
"Someone obviously wanted to make sure he wouldn't try to take over humanity!" continued Luke.
"Look, this whole thing is ridiculous," said Han, standing up. The Ewoks—so identified by Threepio—immediately surrounded him in a ring of spears. "Um…my mistake."
"This is embarrassing," stated Lila as they were tied to sticks and carried off through the forest. "We still need to find Leia."
"I don't understand why Luke won't let us fight back," added Han.
Lila shook her head. "It's not like they're trying to hurt us or anything, and 3PO specifically said he couldn't tell them what to do."
"Not…trying to hurt us," said Han as they reached some sort of treetop village. An Ewok approached him with a torch. "Luke, they're trying to burn us alive! I have a really bad feeling about this."
Threepio was still conversing with what appeared to be their leader. "What did he say?" demanded Lila.
"I'm rather embarrassed, but it appears you are to be the main course at a banquet in my honor!"
"Doesn't it just figure that the cute teddy bears are carnivorous?" muttered Lila. Chewie growled at the offending creatures.
"Leia!" said Luke suddenly.
"Leia?" echoed Han.
Leia was there for some reason, with her hair down and wearing a dress. As she tried to approach the rest of them, she was stopped by the Ewoks. "But these are my friends!" she protested. "Threepio, tell them they must be set free!"
"We tried that," Lila informed her. Threepio argued with the Ewoks some more…and more of them suddenly started piling wood under their captives. "Somehow I get the feeling that didn't help us very much," commented Han.
Luke decided it was time for him to speak up. "Threepio, tell them if they don't do as you wish, you'll get angry and use your magic!"
"You're NOT going to do what I think you are…" wondered Lila. "Oh wow, you are."
"But Master Luke, I don't have any magic!"
"Just do it."
After the robot made some sort of announcement (Lila could only hope he'd done as Luke said), the Ewoks chattered for a bit, discussing this new development. This apparently didn't help either, as they now brought torches in large numbers. Oh boy, thought Lila, who could sense Luke drawing on the Force. Hmm…oh, he's the Jedi master; I'll let him do it. And C-3PO was lifted into the air, shouting objections all the way.
"Oh, shame on you, scaring all the little fuzzy animals!" said Lila in fake reproach. It seemed to do the trick, however, and when 3PO landed again they were immediately freed. Leia ran up to them, kissed Han and hugged Luke and Lila, and R2 began zapping random Ewoks who dared approach him.
"That wasn't strange in the least," declared Han as they were lead to the village proper for Story Time with C-3PO. The golden robot began entertaining the Ewoks with what appeared to be the story of everything that had happened since Artoo and Threepio came into Luke's possession.
"This is extremely surreal," said Luke.
"Mmhmm. The sound effects are a nice touch, though," noted Lila as Threepio imitated Darth Vader's breathing, followed by the unmistakable sound of a lightsaber battle. "Hey, when are you going to tell Han and Leia about the you-know-what? And I know you know what."
Luke massaged his forehead with one hand. "I honestly hadn't thought about that."
"Puts that kiss on Hoth in an entirely different light, doesn't it?" asked Lila wickedly. Luke pulled a face.
"You were the only one who knew about anything back then! But thank you very much for effectively disgusting me for the rest of the night."
Lila grinned. "I'm just saying, you should tell someone soon." By this point Threepio seemed to have finished his tale, and the Ewoks were whispering madly to one another. Eventually their leader came forward and said…something in their language.
"What are they saying?" whispered Han to Leia.
"I don't know…" she replied nervously.
"Wonderful!" announced Threepio. "We are now part of the tribe!" And they were assaulted by the Ewoks.
"Just what I always wanted…" muttered Han as he was pulled into several hugs. Luke glanced at the scene around him and quickly left the hut, soon followed by Leia. Han was informed by Threepio that they would be shown the quickest way to the shield generator the next morning. Lila took the hint and got on the comlink with the rest of their team, who no doubt had been wandering the forest searching for them.
"Commander Kenobi! Where have you been?" came the frantic voice. Lila winced.
"Nothing happened, we're all safe, and we found Princess Leia, all that good stuff."
"But where are you?"
"We were captured by Ewoks who worshipped Threepio and wanted to eat us…" Lila paused to consider how crazy she sounded. "You know what, I'm just gonna give this to General Solo and let him explain it." She pushed the comlink at Han and ran to find Luke and Leia.
She found them talking on one of the bridges outside. "It's you, Leia," Luke was saying. "You and Lila. You're my sisters."
Leia looked very confused, but not at Luke's news. "I know…somehow…I've always known."
Lila winced as she tripped over her own feet and fell, loudly. "Is this a bad time?"
Leia looked at her strangely, then back at Luke. "Does Lila, um, does she know?"
"About the triplets thing? Yeah, I knew before he did," replied Lila. "Puts the kiss on Hoth in an entirely different light, huh?"
A very strange spasm crossed Leia's face, and Luke sighed. "Thank you for ruining the moment, Lila."
"What moment?" Lila scoffed. "You're about to go get killed by Vader—don't give me that look, I know you," she said as Luke gave her a questioning glance. "You think you have to face him out of some misplaced sense of honor and justice and because you think you can save him."
"I know there is good in him!" Luke insisted.
"Don't give me that. Remember that one time where I got captured and you all thought I was dead?" Lila raised her eyebrows. "Yeah, he knew I was his daughter; didn't stop him from putting me in a coma."
Luke sighed. "Look, you know I have to do this."
"What? No!" objected Leia, not very much alarmed. "Go away, far away! If he can feel your presence then leave this place!"
Luke was adamant. "He won't turn me over to the Emperor; I can turn him back to the good side."
Lila had had enough. "Listen to me! Both of you!" she exploded. "You are going to die. Vader is going to hand you straight to the Emperor and offer you a chance to work with him and you will refuse and HE WILL KILL YOU. You're insane. Insane! There is no good in him! He can't be brought back! Do you have some kind of death wish?" she demanded furiously.
"I have to try," Luke said quietly.
"You have to die too, apparently!" Lila stormed off.
"That went well," murmured Leia. "Please be careful, Luke."
Luke kissed her on the cheek and left.
Yes, Lila does not like the idea of redemption for Darth Vader. She does not like him. Actually, Luke is the only one who does, and Lila expresses her disagreement a little more vocally than others.
Robert1000: Thank you!
fictionfrek101: Yup, he's a whiny young adult with magical powers…He's Harry Potter, that's who he is!
swpaintergal: What's life without a little erraticness?
a bunch of random letters: Thank you so very much!
naria lilison: I'm working on it, remain calm!
See you…whenever. Happy New Year.
