Hello everyone, one of the original dark icon writers here (like anyone gives a flying flip -.-) submitting something new to this fiasco of a fan fic .. I don't know why but this fic called and begged for new chapters so…here's the first of hopefully many to come. Through my blood, sweat, tears, typos and sad attempts at comedy, the dark icon presents…love hina BS!
--------------Chapter Start!------------
"Ok people, lets get this done and get out of here, this pace gives me the creeps," a guy with a Kentaro nametag and the word director stamped on his forehead. "All cameras center around Urashima…and…ACTION!"
"Hello," Keitaro greeted warmly to the camera, "my name is Urashima, Keitaro and this…is my scarred story." The camera crew leaned forward and was grinning from ear to ear in anticipation. Never had they had so much material they could use from one person!
"The very first night I was here," Keitaro started, "I was knocked from this building to the other side of town, right onto a crowded park bench, I hit the ground so hard my collar bone popped. You could see it sticking right out of my shoulder." There was a few grunts from people with weak stomachs. Keitaro chuckled and went on, "then there was my first encounter with the Shinmei Ryuu sword art. I was knocked so hard I skid for a mile on my landing, skin was hanging off me in chunks." There were a few gasps and oh my gods from the camera crew, that was a mental image they preferred not to have. "Oooh but the most recent one," Keitaro continued enthusiastically, "was when I landed against the statue in front of Tokyo U. I popped my arm right out of my socket. It took three doctors to hold me down while they slingshot it back into place."
"CUT," another guy yelled, this one with the words 'common sense' on his forehead.
"Wha-what the hell are you doing," Kentaro half asked, half yelled.
"Do you hear what he's saying!? Look at the clock, the friggin banshee witches he's talking about will be here in any minute! We have to ABORT! ABORT NOW!!"
"Urashima! Look at the camera and keep talking, don't stop until I tell you," Kentaro ordered.
"NO! We have to go NOW," common sense pleaded
The room was in total chaos until the door was knocked off its hinges. Motoko stood in the doorframe, sword in hand.
"She's got a sword," Kentaro screamed in a panic. Motoko left the frame and came back with a running chainsaw. Everyone's eyes nearly bulged out their sockets. She left again and came back holding a jaguar with very sharp claws. Everyone screamed as their bodily fluids stained their boxers and tightie whites. She left yet again and came back with the jaguar holding a chainsaw. There was a group squish sound as everyone in the room void their bowels. Motoko left once more and came back with a Singapore cane.
"A stick," Kentaro asked, "that's it?" The camera crew started to laugh hysterically.
"I'll use this stick to turn your $$ and intestines inside out, roast them over an open fire, feed it to a jaguar, raise soul hungry, spirit hunting, ghost humping jaguar cubs! Your souls won't have a bottom to sit on in the afterlife!"
A single tear rolled down Kentaro's cheek, "that's awful….RUN!!"
---------------
"Are you sure he's here," Haitani asked Shirai as they climbed the stairs leading to Hinata Inn.
"Oh he's here alright! And I'm going to humiliate him and make him pay!" Shirai's gaze at the front door was unwavering, even as a pants less film crew half ran, half tumbled down the stairs around him.
Haitani stared at the group of men as they ran, "just a normal day in the Inn I suppose," he moaned, suddenly losing his nerve.
"URASHIMA!," Shirai's voice was booming, "come out here and FACE ME!!"
Motoko appeared at the front door, "excuse me you male! Have you yet to learn your lesson about the Shinmei Ryuu arts?"
"Take your shimmi-shitty sword art and sit down! THIS IS MAN BUSINESS!!"
Motoko rushed towards Shirai, "zantetsusen!"
Shirai drew his own sword, "Jump, slash, block, dash, slash, block. You've been k-styled! Sit down!!" Motoko was sent tumbling down the stairs, rolling through sweat, urine and other unmentionables as she went. Haitani was speechless, he sat back and watched the scene unfold.
"What's happening out here," Keitaro shouted, "Shirai!? What's going on!?"
"Don't play dumb! You covered these mile high stairs with feces and urine to stop me from confronting you with THIS!" Keitaro was dumbfounded, Shirai slammed a cinderblock down by his feet. On the tip, strapped down with rubber bands and iron balls was a photograph of a couple walking into a hotel.
Keitaro stared for nearly a full minute, "I don't get it."
"Maybe not now," Shirai countered, "but after hours of Photoshop, it looks like THIS!" He slammed another cinderblock with a new picture over the first block.
Keitaro looked down and his face deadpanned, "what is this?"
"That is CLEARLY a photo of you going into a hotel with a Ms Piggy plush doll!"
"Keitaro," Haitani spoke finally, "we're worried, showing this kind of thing in public isn't normal."
"Wait wait wait! This cant be happening!" Keitaro pulled a remote from his pocket and slammed the big red panic button, "breaking the 4th wall! Someone get down here!" There was a group moan as papers shuffled and the stage lights dimmed. A stage hand fell from the sky on a zip line to rebuff Keitaro's makeup.
"What the hell Keitaro," Haitani and Shirai asked at the same time with obvious disappointment.
Kentaro walked from behind a tree, wearing a clean pair a pants, the director stamp was gone, "what are you doing Urashima, why are you trying to break the fourth wall?"
"What is this, more sex stuff again," Keitaro started, "all this time off from this story and I have to deal with more perverted situations!?"
"What's wrong with it," Kentaro asked with a shrug, "the stuff that's based on true stories makes for the best scenes."
"True story!? Who in their right mind would do something like that," Keitaro shouted, a vain ready to burst on his forehead.
"Have a seat Keitaro my boy, its story time," Granny Hina said appearing from no where and pushing Kentaro aside. Keitaro nearly jumped out of his skin from the shock.
"Hey! We were in the middle of something here," Haitani protested.
"Yeah, this is the only little part we have," Shirai added.
"Why don't you boys go take a peep at Motoko and Naru in the hot springs," Hina suggested.
"You know, if you would have said that before we found out what was under Naru's skirt I would be aroused," Haitani complained.
"Yeah," Shirai added, "I've eaten five dollar foot longs smaller than her."
"Can we please get on with the story," Keitaro asked, clearly irritated.
"Yes, that would be best, these old bones were very busy when I was called here."
"And this is supposedly a true story," Haitani and Shirai asked, speaking in unison again.
"Yes, but I cannot mention any names. If word got out, the poor boy would be ruined for life."
"I've made love to hamsters for the sake of a sick laugh," Keitaro complained, "I'm ruined for life!"
"Trust me my boy," Hina confirmed, "this fiasco of a story has made your drive much stronger, my walls are still sore."
"AHEM!! Excuse me!?" Shirai screamed, "dude that's sick!! You broke your granny!?"
"STORY!! STORY PLEASE!?" Keitaro was mortified.
"Okay Keitaro, but only because you said please." Granny Hina sat on the stairs and cleared her throat. "Our story begins when a mother took her child to a toy store for his 13th birthday. He had been begging for a certain video game for weeks and his mother finally gave in. As soon as they arrived, the son ran off like he was shot out of a barrel threw isles to get to the electronic and gaming section. As he made his way through the last isle in his way, the teddy bears, pees a lot dolls, and barbies, he tripped over his feet, tumbled, and landed on his back."
"As he laid there on the floor, he saw her. A four foot tall princess piggy plush doll hanging from the ceiling by a spaghetti strand. He laid there staring at her (HER! LAWL!). Her brown plastic eyes, the pink fur all over the body, her snout that stood up on its own that made her look like a smug, stuck up, hard to get bitch. His prom would come early, his first taste of a woman would come early, he had to have her! Super Smash Bros Brawl and Left 4 Dead would stay on the shelf!"
"As soon as he got her home, he rushed princes piggy to his room carrying her bridal style. He flung her on his bed and locked the door. Behind closed doors, he would make her his. He frog splashed on the bed, right onto her, and for the next 40 minutes, they made love. He nearly went insane with pleasure, they did the intersection, the leg glider, the drill, the jockey, the mirror of pleasure, the cowgirl, the cross, the scissors, the turtle, the wheelbarrow, the stand and carry, the bumper cars, the pile driver, the mechanical bull, the flagpole, the running engine, the-"
"Okay okay okay! That's enough," Keitaro interrupted. Haitani passed out from blood lost through the nose.
"And that, Keitaro my boy, is why you must %!# this doll."
Shirai burst into laughter, "that's awesome! Look at it this way, the doll comes with a free big chest upgrade! HAHAHAA!!"
Keitaro poked the doll on its belly. It giggled and said, "hug me." He poked it again, it giggled again and said, "you're so nice, I want you to be my first." Keitaro poked the stomach yet again, it giggled and said, "no baby, that s the wrong spot, you should be poking elsewhere."
"I'm outta here," Keitaro shouted as he ran down the stairs.
"Its better than the other idea right," Hina called down to him, "its either this doll or Bridgette from guilty gear!"
--------------
"Well, its official," Kitsune said hinging up the phone. "Keitaro has left the building, the story cant continue without him."
"What," all the other girls shouted.
"Yeah, apparently he draws the line at talking Muppet Dolls."
"Are you serious," Naru shouted, "that's what made him stop!? A doll!?" Not legions of food, family or animals….a doll. Un-friggin believable."
"Well, I'm leaving," Motoko said abruptly. "I already had camera time so you all can do what you want."
"Oh? Our little kendo girl has plans," Kitsune countered, "going to the men's bathroom at Tokyo U, turning the lights out and playing, 'guess who's in your mouth'?" The other girls gasped.
Haruka turned to Shinobu, Su, and Sara, "ok, you three shouldn't be here for this, lets go." She led them up the stairs and walked them to their rooms.
"WHAT WAS THAT," Motoko shrieked.
"Of course you need real guys for that," Kitsune continued, "statues, sword handles, and doorknobs doesn't count."
Motoko mentally screamed, "I'll kill her," and drew her blade.
"Now now Motoko, all I have to do is jump, dash, slash, block and I'll own whatever you throw my way."
Motoko growled and stormed out the room, "%#!'ing k-style, doesn't take any real talent! Its just a bunch of cheap tactics!"
"Come back when you get a bit more skill," Kitsune called behind her.
---------------
"You can't be serious," Shirai asked.
"It's for the readers! Come on man," Haitani pleaded.
"I read the script," Keitaro said flatly, "you expect me to %#! a doll, then get knocked across town, in the nude by the way, to the train station, where you'll tackle me into a crowded car, where we'll resurrect the scene from Borat by fighting, on the train, in the nude, then spilling out into a crowded outdoor banquet that's across the street from the next stop."
Haitani and Shirai nodded their heads and spoke in unison, "yeah, pretty much."
"You %#!'ing pigs," Keitaro said as he walked off.
Haitani looked at his friend, his eyebrow arched, "you know, if that's what-"
"DUDE! NO! That's sick!! God!"
"But its for the sake of the story. We haven't done anything with pigs, it would be new ground to explore."
"No means no!"
"What if we were in a bed of wasabi mayonnaise and cool wHip," Haitani asked with a grin.
Shirai's eyebrow arched, "cool what?"
"Cool wHip."
"Why are you saying it like that?"
"Like what, I just like mayo and cool wHip man."
"You're saying the H funny. Say cool."
"Ok, weird but whatever, cool"
"Now say whip."
"Whip."
"Now, cool whip."
"Cool wHip."
"Cool whip."
"Cool wHip."
"Cool whip!!"
"Do you want to roll around with pigs or not,"
Shirai hung his head, "lead the way."
---------------
Kentaro the director head and common sense head sat side by side staring at a huge LCD TV set. "I always thought that they were acting this way because of the script," Kentaro started, "but watching like this, I think they're actually a group of perverts."
"Not all of them are like that, think of the children," common sense countered.
Kentaro pressed a button on his remote and a live video feed of the kitchen came on the screen. Shinobu was mixing something in a bowl, Su was hanging upside down on top of the fridge.
"See," common sense asked.
"Wait, what are they saying?"
The volume was turned up and they could hear Shinobu singing softly:
"It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake, if the way is hazy,
You gotta do the cooking by the book, you know you cant be lazy.
Never use a messy recipe, the cake will end of crazy,
If you do the cooking by the book, then you'll have a cake."
"Aww," Kentaro and common sense said a the same time.
Su dropped down from the fridge wearing sunglasses and a dreadlocks wig.
"Break it down bitch, let me see you back it up!
Drop that ass down low then pick that mother%#&#! up!"
"GAH," both men screamed, the screen turned off with an audible click. Both men took a moment to regain their composure.
"Where are they getting this from," Kentaro screamed.
"Maybe Urashima's behaving," common since offered. Once again the monitor turned on and a live video feed appeared, Keitaro was centered on the screen.
"What's he doing," Kentaro asked.
"He's just walking." The two stared sat and watched Keitaro for a while as he walked, stopping every so often to look at restaurants.
"This is boring," Kentaro complained.
"Exactly, Urashima is the least perverted out of the bunch."
"Do you think the readers will go for 5 pages of Keitaro window shopping!? They wont have it!" Kentaro slammed the big red panic button on the remote.
---------------
Keitaro stopped suddenly and looked over his shoulder, he had the feeling that he was being watched. He turned again and suddenly he was standing in line for board a train for Tokyo U.
"This is weird," he mused, but pressed onward. His train arrived in seconds, he filed on with everyone else and took his usual seat. As soon as the train started moving, two men near the rear started to argue.
"What do you mean he went to the prom with you!?"
"You heard me! He took me and I wore your dress the whole night!"
Keitaro shook his head, the world around him was going insane. A third guy stood and said, "boys, boys, please! Don't fight over me! I know I'm extra delicious but, oh my god this is so embarrassing!"
Keitaro scoffed under his breath. He couldn't escape the insanity, it was all around him.
"Excuse me," the third guy asked, standing in front of Keitaro. He had heavy eye lashes, lipstick, rosy cheeks, and a pick ribbon in his hair. "Did you say something?"
Keitaro started to panic, he shook his head no and started to sweat profusely.
"If you have something to say, say it!"
"No no no," Keitaro nearly pleaded, "I was just thinking of something funny I saw on TV last night."
"Hmph" the guy turned and walked back to the other two that were arguing. Keitaro turned away and released the breath that he did not know he was holding. When he turned back, the guy was back, bent over in front of Keitaro's face to the point of almost touching his toes. He pulled his pants down. Keitaro's eyes bulged as wide as saucers, merely inches from his face was a man thong with 'DELICIOUS' on the string, gyrating in front of him.
The guy smacked his $$ and screamed, "you know you want this!!" Everyone looked Keitaro's way, with the same expression of shock on their faces. To Keitaro's horror, the thong came off, exposing the e smell of sweat and a fresh bowel movement. The guy slapped his $$ again, "you know you want this! it's a delicious cut of prime beef! Taste it!!" Keitaro Naru punched his self off the train, he was never so happy to fly through the air to the other side of town.
"Hahaha," Kentaro couldn't control himself, "that's…knee slapping good humor right there!"
"That was awful," common sense screamed, "you're going to turn the poor guy homophobic!"
"But, aren't we all," Kentaro asked.
"Look! That was too much!! Keitaro's gone through enough!"
"Hey, no one told him to walk out on the script, he did that on his own! Measures have to be taken to guarantee a good show!"
"You cant be serious," Common sense stared at his collage for a moment, "you son of a bitch, you don't care about his well being at all."
"HEY! You didn't complain when we had hamsters! Do you know what happened to Hamtaro after that chapter!? He left that anime, had a sex change, and started calling himself 'Ebichu the house cleaning hamster (if you have never heard of Ebichu you're missing out! Seriously)!"
"You turned a child's program into that!?"
"Hey, I've done worse, do you know what happened to Charlie Brown after I was done with him? He grew hair, gained some weight and changed his name to Eric Cartman!"
"Enough," common sense screamed and punched the 'mercifully go home and end the madness' button.
"Well, there goes the fun out of this day," Kentaro complained. The two just sat there for a moment in an awkward silence. "You know what bad habit I picked up lately," Kentaro asked randomly, "taking my food to the toilet."
"What," common sense asked, completely caught off guard.
"I bring my dinner with me on a little tray while I sit on the toilet."
"Wow…that's disgusting. You're not…wiping and eating a the same time."
Kentaro nodded, "saves time."
"That's gross! What if you miss the toilet paper, or if it unravels half way through?"
"Now that's the tricky part, what I do is wrap the fork in toilet paper, take note of which fingers to not use and-"
"That's enough! You're sicker than they are!"
"Hey, if I wasn't suppose to do that, they wouldn't cal the stuff shitake mushrooms and the poo poo platter."
"That's pu pu not poo poo," common sense said completely disgusted.
"Lets not forget that brown sauce that can smother all most anything"
Common sense stood up, "that's it, I'm done. I'm going on strike with Keitaro."
"Take note of what you put your hands on, a lot of guys makes their platters with an extra side of mushrooms without washing their hands!"
--------------Chapter End!------------
And there you have it! Hope you guys enjoyed a little attempt at madness. Joke references for anyone that's lost:
Scarred
Family Guy
American Dad
Borat
Gunz: The Duel
My on sick little thoughts -.-
