Disclaimer: Yeah, I'm totally Lisi Harrison. That's why I'm here on fanfiction putting my ideas for free on the web instead of selling it. Isn't that fantabulous?
Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,
Si estaremos juntos, si se acaba el mundo
Yo no se si soy para ti, si seras para mi
Si lleguemos a amarnos o odiarnos
Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,
Quien va a estar aqui
-Luis Enrique: Yo No Se Mañana (The translation will be on the bottom of the page, just in case you guys need it)
It's been a few weeks now.
A few long and frankly nerve-racking weeks. Kemp comes down every weekend, so I can never be with Derrick during that time. Moreover, during the week, when school is out, we have to sneak around, making sure neither of our friends sees us. It's exciting, I'll admit, but I am getting so tired of it all. The sneaking around, the carefully concocted lies, the disappointed look on Derrick's face when he sees me holding hands with Kemp is taking it's toll. I sometimes miss the simplicity only being with Kemp gave me, the boring stability. But then I see Derrick's smile and I can't imagine a time without it.
My life is too confusing.
I know I don't want to give Derrick up, that's for sure. Nevertheless, I have history with Kemp; how could I possibly just throw that away on something that might not even last? Derrick and I, well, we're unstable. We still argue like an old married couple (and not even the one with lots of sex; I had asked him if we could chill on that aspect) and we often don't speak to each other for a while. Then we see the other doing something so normal and so completely them (in Derrick's case, is sitting on his favorite bench in Central Park to people-watch) and we are right back where we started. It's so frustrating!
Derrick's even getting angrier with me stringing him along repeatedly. He is pleading (and pleading is something that is not in the How to Be Derrick Harrington manual) with me to break up with Kemp and be with him. Derrick wants to go public; he wants to know he's the only person I'm kissing, the only person I want. I am starting to think he's more vulnerable that he lets on.
But I can't. I just can't randomly break up with Kemp and then have him find out I am dating the very person I cheated on him with, and said I wouldn't do it again. I love Kemp, like a brother, and I really don't want to break his heart further. He is a really good person, and how could you break a good person?
I just wish this turbulence would stop. I wish I could just make a choice. If only it wouldn't hurt someone so much.
-0-
A phone call changed it all. Isn't it funny how the last time I had gotten a phone call this important, I had to confront Kemp on sleeping with Derrick? Calling always changes things; it's an ironic fact, a twist of fate no one is ever ready for. However, as that significant ring tone blooms through your serene room, you know that something could very well shatter the way you view the world.
And in my case, this always has to happen that way.
"Hey, lover," I said, grinning shyly as I pressed the phone closer to my ear. I leaned back on my headboard, and curled my legs inward, preparing for the hours long conversations Derrick and I always have.
"Hey, Lyons." His voice was oddly desolate; the inflection was nearly nonexistent, replaced by a placid and boring tone. What the hell could be wrong?
"Derrick? Are you okay?" Ugh, never ask that question, dummy! Derrick hates when people ask such a trite question…
He sighs, sounding much older than he used to. "I think we need to talk, Lyons."
My blood froze over in its tracks, churning softly to a stop. My heart, weirdly due to those frozen veins, sped up, keeping in time with my racing thoughts. Those words only mean one thing: heartbreak. I have had Cam say those enough for me to know exactly what they mean.
"About?" I tried to keep my voice as calm as his, but I've (nor anyone else in the world) never been as good as Derrick Harrington at keeping his real thoughts at bay. My voice cracked at the end and I resisted the urge to slap myself.
"Just…meet me at our park, okay? I'll explain there." Derrick hung up quickly after that.
My breathing staggered out, slowly and harshly, just like I'm sure the torture at the park would be. What could have gone wrong? Did he get sick of me refusing to go public? What could it be?
The questions flew through my mind, yet no answers arrived. Eventually, I composed my shock long enough to get some clothes on and walk the three blocks to Central Park. I'm just hoping everything I am thinking is wrong.
-0-
It's cloudy again, as if it's going to rain. Well, at least the gloomy setting works with my feelings this time. Raindrops don't fall, which makes me frustrated. Why can't the day be washed away with the rain?
I saw Derrick on his self-proclaimed bench, leaned back with his eyes tightly closed, as if he was a little kid who didn't want to face his parents' wrath after being caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. His messy blond hair looked long and unkempt, reaching his shoulders, and nearly covering the closed orbs. His face was gaunt, especially in the grey and downcast scene. I looked too bright in comparison. My yellow rain boots and electric blue pea coat clashed with his black hoodie and dark wash jeans.
This scene reminded me all too much of something in the past, and I can't help but laugh when I think how ironic this is all becoming.
I tapped Derrick on the shoulder, scared to break him from his most likely horrid thoughts. He shook his head, as if trying to get back to reality, and tilted his head upwards to look at me. I half-smiled at him, scared to lean in for a kiss. I seem to be scared of his reactions a lot today.
"Hey," I whispered.
"Hey," he responded just as softly.
"So…" I had never felt this awkward around him. It has never seemed possible to me. "What did you need to talk to me about?"
As much as I had anticipated his words, as much as I had mentally prepared myself for them, as much as I had dealt with these words in the past, it still hurt more than I could have ever imagined. "I don't think this is working out."
Tears sprang to my eyes, but I held them back, hoping the rain (?) would finally start. "Why?" I croaked out at last.
"Because…" He seemed frustrated by this own thoughts and reasoning. "Because we can't work. We're just so different, Lyons. And, we shouldn't keep the other back from finding someone more compatible." As he said this excuse (it is always an excuse, a lie, when it comes to him), his voice was that calm, collected coolness. That's not the Derrick Harrington I'm used to.
"That is so not a reason!" I yelled at him, the dam bursting free. How can he be so damn unfeeling about this whole thing? Can't he see the thing we have is so much more than just a fling?
"What do you mean it's not a reason? It is a perfectly good reason. We wouldn't work. That's that."
"No!" I cried, refusing to believe what he was trying to say. "That could never be your reason. You love the fact that we're so different! You hate monotony and similarities; you want the clashing of personalities, the screaming, the arguing, and the violent and passionate way we work! You know that! Now, what's the real reason you want to break up?"
His face had been slowly breaking apart the mask, the mask of cold indifference he has never been able to perfect on me. I've just been too good at seeing him, his scared and hidden thoughts and personality. When I finished, the façade was shed away, revealing his rage (oh, that perfect and feeling anger I missed).
"Fine! Do you want to know the real reason I want to break up? Because you still want Kemp!" My eyes widened in incomprehension. What? "You can't break up with him because you still want to be with just him! Not me, him! It has always been him! I've liked you for so fucking long, Lyons, and Kemp knew that. But he still went after you and won you over. And I could never compete with that! No matter how much better I liked to say I was in comparison to him, I still wasn't! Can't you understand that?"
Oh, I understand. I just don't think he understood why I was still with Kemp. Frankly, I don't know anymore why I am. When I was going to the park all those weeks ago, I think I was only scared because Kemp was going to find out what I did. He was going to see me as a bad, dirty, imperfect person, and that kind of guilt killed me inside. Really, I wasn't as terrified of losing Kemp as I was just a few minutes ago with the thought of losing Derrick. In fact, how I still am. He wants to break up, but for what? For a reason that isn't true?
I was not going to let that happen.
I grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at me, forcing him to pay attention to what I had to say. "You're going to listen to me, Harrington, because honestly, you have everything completely off. I'm only still with Kemp because I'm afraid of hurting him. Come on, we have history and I love him like a big brother. But nothing more or less. I didn't want to break his heart again." Derrick's eyes looked at his feet, but he seemed to be processing what I told him. I was hoping he was accepting it as true.
"Okay…" he began after a pause. "I believe you. But, all that other stuff about us not being compatible? That's partly true. We aren't. We fight and bicker so much. We hurt the other constantly, normally me to you, and I couldn't live with myself if I made you honestly hate me one day. I don't know how we could live like that." He removed his head from my hold, and I let him. However, I didn't let him break eye contact. Derrick needed to get this.
"Derrick! You have to stop being afraid of those what ifs and maybes. Weren't you the one who told me that life is about taking chances and being reckless? You won't live if you are so worried about tomorrow and those possibilities. I don't know if tomorrow we'll be together, or if the world crashes around us. I don't know if we'll still want each other or hate the other's guts. I don't know if I will hear your voice before all others and know that you're somewhere that I can easily reach you. I don't know anything about tomorrow and what it brings, but I don't care. I want to be with you, so much, and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow and what it might bring. You're mine right now, and I'm not going to waste any time living my life without you."
My breathing came out in short pants and my throat was hoarse from the yelling. If I can do anything in these next few moments, I just want Derrick to understand that I want him and I want to be with him. I could easily picture myself in love with him, I'm not going to let my fears, and insecurities get in the way of that. Nor will I let his fears and insecurities get in the way of that.
Derrick looked at me, enthralled by my words, I suppose. He looked like he was thinking, before his face broke out into a smirk, a smirk I welcomed as much as I wanted to smack it off.
"So, you want me, huh, Lyons?" he said slyly, coming much too close to me. His arm rested on my hip, stroking it softly with his thumb. My breathing came out haggard again, but for a much different reason.
"Well, Harrington, if you don't start calling me 'Claire' sometimes I may not keep wanting you," I said teasingly, not really expecting him to start calling me 'Claire'. His name for me is Lyons, and I love it all the same. But he understood! The rapid change from serious to teasing was the way we worked. When we understood what happened, the transition was always smooth.
He chuckled lowly, sending electrical currents through my veins, putting everything in slow motion, despite my quickly beating heart. It is amazing how this boy can make my heart thump so irregularly. This has to be unhealthy.
Derrick leaned in quickly, capturing my lips and titling my head upwards. I closed my eyes in bliss, wanting nothing more than to stay in this position forever, savoring it until we grow old and grey. Suddenly, I felt a drop of liquid on my cheek, causing both of us to move away and look at the sky. Transparent drops of lovely cleansing water rained down on us, showering us in its renewal.
"I guess rain's our thing," he said, looking at me with a disarming grin. It's a good thing I focus well.
"Yeah, it really is, Derrick." I raised myself on tiptoes and pressed more kisses on his face, as quickly as the raindrops began falling.
"Claire, Claire, Claire," he started, prompting me to stop my assault (though, an assault he is probably very happy with) and look at him in shock. He actually listened to my joke. Wow, that's a first. I can't say it didn't make me happier though. It's like when your boyfriend calls you a pet name like 'love' or 'babe'. For us, it's our own names. It's so dysfunctional and absolutely mad, but that was us, crazy and unpredictable, going about each day as if it's our last.
"Yeah?" I asked, my shock lessening.
"I just want to say, I'd stick with you even if the world was ending. Even if the world was going to pits, we hated each other, and were as far away as humanly possible, I am sure I'd still want to see your face and hear your voice first everyday. You're right; we have to live. And I'm going to keep living with you right here as long as possible."
I grinned widely, continuing to kiss him. "I like that very much, Mr. Harrington."
Derrick smirked back, kissing me fiercely and leaving me dazed once he stopped for a minute. "Yes, Ms. Lyons, I'm sure your very horny side is pleased by this."
"Hey-" I began, but never finished, since he once again cut me off with his lips. But for now, maybe I'd let him.
We only have this one chance to live. We only have one shot to have fun, to laugh, to cry, to love. Yeah, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know anything about this unprecedented and frankly impulsive relationship. All I know is that I, Claire Stacey Lyons, want Derrick Andrew Harrington to be part of my life as long as I have it. I am not going to waste any time. And this time, this life, starts…
Now.
Translation (by me):
I dont' know tomorrow, I don't know tomorrow
If we will be together, if the world ends
I do not know if I'm for you, if you are for me
If we end up falling in love, or hating each other
I don't know tomorrow, I don't know tomorrow
Who is going to be here
And it's finished! I'm happy it's done :) I think it's overly cheesy after it's previous coolness, but I hope you guys liked it.
