Disclaimer: I don't own skins, sadly. I do own Emmet and Hannah though (random characters I made up for the sake of the plot)
Set: At the reunion.
Emily's POV:
I've been here before, but I built up these walls to keep the memories of her away. I've stood before this girl and felt belittled, betrayed…the way she could tip how she made me feel. Sometimes I felt weaker than her, less than her, but occasionally when she held me and I curled up in her arms I felt like something precious. Precious to her. But I wasn't precious at all.
We're sitting in a bar, everyone silent. Everyone feeling guilty and sorry for themselves. Well they should have made it up to Pandora, they shouldn't have ignored her – then they would have gotten this grieving process over with years ago. I feel like a string is keeping me upright. How could none of us know? Effy is solemnly staring ahead; not registering Freddie's loving arm curling around her shoulder. Some friend Effy turned out to be. Not even noticing her best friend's death. JJ has ordered us all beers, braving a smile while attempting to talk to me but I'm not listening.
I can't help but sneak a glace at Naomi. I've decided she looks natural and beautiful with long brown hair. Have you ever sworn you don't need to love anyone, only to find you've loved someone all along? And the worst part is you like this person for their friendship and company and who they are; and even if they're good looking, it really doesn't matter? And there's no possible way anything can happen between you and this person because the past is too heavy and tainted and…in existence?
I look up into Naomi's eyes as she quickly glances away and I can't figure out what's there. It catches me off guard. You see, I usually know people – I can usually suss people out…but it's like her eyes have shut doors, but not even in a mysterious way, just like she has suffered or she is older than her age so doesn't dare give anything about herself away. She's…I just don't know. It's the way she's hunched over and how her mouth curves downwards and I want to reach out and smooth it into a smile, because if she smiles, everything will be alright.
I've had a nice life. No, I've had a brilliant life, but I want to throw it all away for a girl who is obviously not happy with her own life? Who obviously will just hurt me again? I start ticking off lovers I've had. Jennifer, Amelia…Rachel was the sweetest, but it just wasn't right. None of them were perfect. But I knew what my heart was doing, it was constantly comparing them to Naomi and that was wrong. But I had fun. I had fun going with charities and helping children in rural places, I learnt what it was like to grow up and appreciate life. I've lived. I've battled my family's problem with me being gay. I've overcome them. And that's ok.
Katie's outside with Thomas and I'm getting slightly worried. For months she's been shoving me away, bullying me worse than ever and seeing her just then…I'm shocked. I just – I just don't know what to do. I thought she'd be living a nice life like I have, I thought she'd get somewhere. I thought she was better. God, I'm a shit sister, I'm just awful, but what she's done to me…How can I forgive her?
JJ is leaning closer to me, his finger gently resting on my arm.
"Emily, are you ok?" he's such a caring friend. I really do love him. I shake my head slightly yet pointlessly because no one is looking or listening anyway.
"Shall we leave, just for a little bit? The beer's too cold, it's freezing my tongue, Effy looks like she's about to slap Freddie any minute, Naomi looks like a wet sundae and Thomas and Katie are god knows where. Not that I care, but -"
"JJ, shut up."
His voice is so quiet I wonder if it's the voice he uses for Hannah when it's midnight and no one can hear. Yet again, I shake my head. But his mouth draws nearer to my ear.
"Please, Em? I need to leave"
Rolling my eyes jokily, we get up and begin to walk across to breathe fresh air. I say walk, but we're both trembling for some odd reason. How could I not know Pandora was dead.
Now we're outside and he's bringing a fag to his lips.
"I didn't know you still smoked," I tell him, staring at the smoke as it lights up, surrounded by darkness. He shrugged his shoulders then casually turned to face me.
"Where do you want to go?"
"What?" I'm not registering what he's saying.
"Let's just get away. I'm sick of here. I'm sick of her."
"Her?"
I'm so stupid.
"Hannah. Emily, don't you get it?" I shake my head but wince in pain because the cold has numbed it. "I want you."
Time stops.
"No," I moan, shocked. "No, no, NO" I'm screaming, flailing my arms but I don't care. He's the perfect friend and he's throwing it all away. Hasn't he got that I'm gay?
My hand raises up to slap him, to hurt him, but I stop it. I just try to sprint away because there's no point being here anymore. It just brings back stupid, painful memories.
It's that moment when I hear her voice.
"Where are you going?" Naomi sounds smaller outside, like she loses her voice in the big wide world. The prams been left inside the bar and she's holding Emmet close to her. He's wrapped up in a blanket, his arm reaching up to her face. It's such a beautiful image I nearly blurt out what I think.
"Home." it's an instinctive response, but the truth is I don't have a home. I just go wherever I feel like going. With or without some organisation.
"I wanted to…well, you know. Get to know you"
She's staring at me. We don't know each other? I know you, Naomi and I know that you can break me. Out of the corner of my eye I see that JJ is moving away from the bar, clearly pissed off.
"He's in the same hotel as me. If you need to talk to him, I can take you to him," Naomi tells me, understanding where my eyes lead her. I understand the context underneath her words. My next sentence, to any passerby or stranger, would seem weird and out of the blue.
"We were good," it's an effort to stop myself from breaking apart and spilling out every word I want to, no, need to say. She nods in silence as I try to disconnect and get away, back to the caravan.
"Wait," she called. I stopped. "Just don't go."
"Why not?"
"Because I like being near you. Things are clearer, life makes sense."
"Your life should make sense to you anyway."
I turn to face her. She looks so lost.
"Well it doesn't."
There's a huge pause as both of us try to figure out what to say.
"Don't make me do this," I plead with her. I've worked so hard at keeping away. "Not again, you've hurt me so much."
Her face is growing red as her eyes fill with water.
"I'm so sorry, I never ever meant to hurt you Ems! Please believe me!"
I'm walking away, but my feet stop of their own accord. Keep on walking you stupid feet! I tell them, but I know I don't mean it. I know it's me who wants to stop. Then again, I know what I have to do.
Tiptoeing slowly up to her, I give her my hardest, most meaningful stare.
"You know we can't do this," I place my hand on hers in comfort. She's still cradling her baby in her arms.
"Don't you want me?"
Tears are properly streaming down her face and I just don't know what to say because every inch of me wants to kiss them away.
"Of course," my mouth betrays me, stuttering the words in a deep raspy voice I thought I'd stamped out of myself. Pulling my hand away from her I stutter out a few inaudible words and move away before I end up throwing myself at her, betraying my whole body. The words I hear last are the most heartbreaking.
"I don't want to be alone anymore"
It's five in the morning and I'm sprinting back to the spot where me and Naomi were hours before. I'm running because time runs out. Time runs faster than me. Mistakes need to be corrected. The creepers out after dark are staring at me because I'm a mess; my face a wet mass of despair, my top ripped beyond repair and my hair breaking free from its tight, neat ponytail. My face crumples as I sink to the floor near the beautiful oak tree dedicated to a long lost friend. Here are the pieces of my life where I left them. Now I've got to fit them back together, complete them before I move on.
There's a pair of legs next to me. They're so close I can see the goose-pimples indicating this woman is cold. Standing up abruptly, I realise it is Naomi.
"I went back to my h-hotel room, first, Emmets there-" she says through sniffles. I wonder if she calls him Em, and nearly laugh at the irony, but then sob because I need her to laugh with me. "I shouldn't leave him but I told myself I'd only be a m-minute –"
But she can't finish, because I've grabbed her face and forced our lips to meet. I can't even feel where my hands are because I've longed for this moment my entire life and I'm lost in her and everything she is.
Things in life happen for a reason and we've just got to keep rebuilding, even when walls come crashing down. But this time I'm rebuilding my walls with her inside.
