WarioWare Oneshots
By The Unknown Alias
Every Gamer's Problem
9-Volt's hands trembled on the arm rests. His eyes twitched like he was experiencing the legendary 'Porygon Episode Seizure'. The image before remained stationary, save for the final seconds of a countdown.
10…
9-Volt smiled.
9…
He waited a long time for this.
8…
He saved up so much money, just for this.
7…
He searched for so long, and had now employed desperate measures.
6…
He actually began to drool onto the keyboard.
5…
His vision became distorted, and not just because of his green visor.
4…
He was finally going to get-WAIT! ……… Something had changed.
3…
Where was his screen name?
2…
He quickly tried clicking the button.
1…
But the mouse wouldn't respond, short circuited from the drool. His eyes twitched even more as the webpage reloaded, now with a message saying that bidding was over.
In the next room, 18-Volt was slowly sipping from a small porcelain cup of tea, pinky extended. As an inhuman howl erupted from his friend's room, his huge fingers accidentally snapped the handle, the cup flying up from the audio vibrations. 18-Volt grasped at his chest with his free hand and the cup finally fell to shatter. The big gamer was gasping as he stared at 9-Volt's room in shock.
Inside, 9-Volt wasn't dealing with it well; slamming his helmeted head against the cracking monitor.
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" he shouted with each headbut. "HOW? HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? STUPID SNIPERS! CURSE YOUUUUUUUU!"
Meanwhile in our world, Weird Al snickered to himself as he felt the usual cursing of someone he sniped on e-bay.
"I was so close!" 9-Volt moaned to himself. 18-Volt was patting his diminutive friend on the back. The both of them were sitting on Wario's couch. Said employer rubbed the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "I had the top bid and everything! You don't how hard it was to get it!"
9-Volt had just broken down into failing tears at this point, leaving his friend to continue the tale. "You see, 9-V here has to find all of the Nintendo licensed games for the N64. But he said that this one he was chasing after was becoming extremely hard to find. When he finally did… well… you can see how high his hopes were."
"And I won't let them crash in vain!" 9-Volt shouted, now posing on 18's head with fire in his eyes and his star hair flapping about like Dragonball. "This game over has shown me that I shouldn't go around the sublevels! If I want my prize, I'll have to go straight to the final level! Come 18-Volt! We have work to do!"
The juvenile old school gamer leapt out of Wario's window, surprisingly landing perfectly on his waiting hoverboard.
18-Volt sighed. "I'll just take the stairs."
"What is this game that the kid's so hooked on anyway?" Wario asked.
"Mario Kart!" 18 answered before shutting the door behind him.
Wario was agape before palming his face. "But you can get that for like, $15.00 on Amazon!"
9 and 18-Volt were standing nonchalantly on a random spot in the park. And… that's pretty much it. Oh wait! 18 just coughed! And now they're back to doing nothing.
Yep, just standing there.
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ZzzzzzZzZZZZZZzzzzZZZzzz…
Oooh yeah, right there Penny. Spread it all over… oh yeah, harder… Yeah, don't be shy. Come on, it's just a massage. I'm surprised that you even knew how to do it and-HUHHOOWHAT?
What just happen? Did I fall asleep?
Huh? What did you think I was dreaming about? Perverts.
Anyways, let's get back to the-HUHWHA?
When did this all happen?
9 and 18-Volt are now sitting at a sleek table in some kind of a dark and secret room. They are now wearing black suits and black sunglasses over their usual face wear. Dr. Crygor stands across from them dressed like the head of a spy organization.
"Agent 9, Agent 18, your mission request has been approved. We gathered the necessary information and equipment you will need for your objective." A TV screen is lowered to show a powerful storage building. "This is the Diamond City secret retired game reserve. They pay Wario an annual mint to hold their old and out of print games. Our information has determined that there is one copy of Mario Kart sealed inside amongst maximum security. Details of the defense systems shall be constantly updated into PDA sunglasses. Along with that you will receive the usual gear; laser pens, stun pens, x-ray specs, helicopter cell phone, explosive bowties, and 50 kilos of C4. Remember, if either of you are caught or killed during the course of this mission, you will be replaced by the cybernetic copies of the children of your evil twin cousins. My moustache will self-destruct in five seconds."
9 and 18's seats leaned back, sending the two down pneumatic tubes. Five seconds later, Crygor's moustache did explode. When the smoke cleared, his face was mostly smoked. However, there seemed to be no sign of pain at all.
9-Volt was holding up binoculars to his sunglasses behind a cardboard cutout of a bush. "There doesn't appear to be any outside security. Odd."
"They probably don't think people would even find out about this place," 18 surmised, rubbing his chin with his bling ring.
"Which means they would up the security inside just in case," 9 guessed. He put away the binoculars, revealing two black circles now imprinted on the lenses. 18 could only silently snicker at the prank. "Alright, the best chance we have of getting in is to launch me through the vents. I'll open up a window when I get in, and then we go on to locate the target."
"Got it," 18 nodded, now raising a ready 9-Volt like a football. "Beginning 'Volt Missile' technique."
With a toss, 9 went spiraling through the air. He landed perfectly onto the roof, and in the next split second shot through the air vent. Crawling carefully but quietly, his helmet sent out a hypersonic signal, disabling sensors in the vent system. He soon came to the wall where 18 was to wait. He burst down onto the floor, jumping to the side before a security camera could catch him. He waited until the camera pointed away. He then leaped up and used his laser pen to cut the lock loose. He ducked back away from the camera's return. Once it left again, 18 leapt through the window, closing it behind him. He ducked next to his buddy and they waited until the camera finished its round before they took off.
They swept through the halls, dodging more and more cameras until they came to the entrance of a wing, the iron door bearing the N64 logo. There were cameras as well, but they were fixed. There was no chance of a blind spot to work their magic.
"Are you ready my P2?" 9 whispered as he primed the explosive tie.
18 pulled out a laser gun fashioned to look like a Wii Zapper. He cocked it with a stony face. "It's a good day for a 1-UP."
They nodded and 9 threw the tie. It landed on the door, flashed red, and then esploded. Yes, esploded. They rushed through the door, the alarms already beginning to go off. They rushed down the aisles where the games were stocked in alphabetical order. 9 screeched to a halt in front of the 'M's and began to flip through the cases.
"Hurry up 9, we've got company!" 18 shouted as he began to shoot off the first of many R.O.B. sentries.
Sweat began to trickle on the child's brow as he kept going through the boxes. But then, he noticed the familiar title. "Got it! Target acquired!"
At once, the R.O.B.s seemed shocked before they fled. "Hmm?" 9 muttered. "What's going on? Is the final boss coming?"
18's eyes then went wide. "Uh, 9? Do you hear that rumbling?"
Indeed, a loud rumbling had begun and was picking up. The boxes began to vibrate and fall off of the shelves. The game boys were becoming more and more frightened. Suddenly, a force slammed into them from the other side of the shelve. The two flew through many other shelves and they landed in a pile. Their heads poked out and 9 subconsciously grabbed his dropped prize. Once they rubbed the stars out of their eyes, they could've sworn their hearts had stopped.
It big, round, black, had two big white eyes, and a mouth full of sharp white teeth. It barked at them. A chain chomp, in all of its horror. On a side note, its name is Sparkles McRainbow.
"………18?"
"Yes 9?"
"Did our information mention this thing?"
"………No 9."
"Oh. Okay."
"…"
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"…RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!"
9 could only panic as 18 carried him. The big guy rushed, the adrenaline of fear making him something Sonic would be envious of. Sparkles gave chase while 9 was throwing any form of weapon that they had. They ran until they reached the window of entry, but to their shock, all of the windows were barred. They looked in fear as Sparkles, knowing that they were trapped, began to approach them slowly and menacingly.
"18, I always wanted to tell you, you were best friend that I ever had!"
"9, I used your DS Lite to fix my stereo!"
"………Wait, what?"
But then a new voice cut through the air, one that had an unprecedented effect.
"Oh Sparkles? Where are you?"
Sparkles immediately stopped, its mouth starting to whimper and its eyes dilated. It howled in fright as it slammed into the two gamers, breaking through the building walls. The two looked up dazed as Mona raced out of the building on her moped, chasing Sparkles.
"Come back Sparkles! I have a brand new blue dress for you to try on!"
9 stared in shock before he fainted. 18 began to chuckle in relief as he picked up his buddy and brought them to 9's house.
"That was pure insanity!" 18 howled, clapping.
"Yeah, but it doesn't matter!" 9 said excitedly. "We've made it, and we have the game."
9 then raised the box to hail his prize. When he saw it, you can practically hear a part of his mind break. 18 saw 9's now twitching face, and it wasn't the good kind of twitching. He lowered the box from 9's hands, cringing as he saw the cover.
Somehow in the confusion of Sparkle's attack, 9-Volt had claimed a copy of Sonic R instead.
18 left the room slowly as he pulled out his earplugs.
It had been five hours, and 18 had laid his head on the table in depression, trying to block out 9's understandable roars of rage. This was the scene Wario had found as he entered the household. 18 looked up with weary eyes at the visitor. The weariness was quickly replaced with surprise as his employer laid down the cartridge for Mario Kart.
"Tell the kid to keep it. I've got plenty of copies at home."
18 looked in shock as Wario left the household. He looked down at the game. That Wario gave. For no apparent reason of profit. It looked like an act of charity.
18 began to shake as he slid the cartridge under 9's door, and then took off for home; and more importantly the bunker his family had for when the end of the world was to come.
9-Volt never found out just how he got his game so easily.
The Unknown Alias's status: signed off.
Date of Update: 6/10/2009
