Here is the next installment. I can't believe not a single person reviewed. I'm definitely a bit put out, but it's okay. I really like this story and I'm still going to post it even if no one else likes it. =]
Chapter Two
The days after James' visit were very tense in the flat shared by Remus and Sirius. They were not summoned by Dumbledore, for reasons they suspected had everything to do with the situation the Potters had found themselves in, and the part in it one of them may play. There was the constant tension of the traitor. Neither man wanted to believe it was the other, and yet, neither man could keep that thought from floating in front of their eyes. After a week or two, Remus and Sirius hardly found each other in the same room together for more than a few minutes.
Sirius found himself sleeping on the couch, not being able to bear sharing a bed with a man who he felt he could not trust anymore. It stabbed at his heart like shards of glass, and yet he could not think of any way to repair the great loss he had suffered. It was horrible what Voldemort had done to them without any sort of contact. He had torn apart a relationship they spent years and years building. He had destroyed their trust in one another. It was just one more thing for Sirius to loathe as he spent his time without his lover. It was anger that fueled him these days.
Remus was affected in a very different way by James' news. He did not suspect Sirius, though there were times when the thought pushed itself into his mind. What tore him to pieces was the fact that he knew Sirius suspected him. He knew it crossed his lover's mind at many points in the day. They had become distant from each other, Sirius staying in the living room, while Remus cooped himself up in their once-shared bedroom. Tears frequently threatened to overwhelm him, though Remus did not often allow them to fall from his eyes. It was only when he showered that he felt comfortable enough to lose just a small bit of his practiced control. He let his tears mix with the water running down his body and slip unnoticed down the drain. It was a morbid representation of the current state of his relationship. He had slipped unnoticed from Sirius' heart. He found himself sleeping more and more, just to keep his thoughts away from the stinging betrayal of Sirius Black.
It was late one night, not far off from the full moon that Remus refused to allow Sirius to control and destroy his heart so carelessly any longer. It was close to two o'clock in the morning when he crept from his bedroom and headed for the couch he knew Sirius was sleeping on. Much to his surprise, he could see the man's head and shoulders above the back of the couch. He was not sleeping at all, but sitting with his face buried in his hands. At the sight, Remus nearly took pity on him, but the part of him still bleeding from the wound Sirius had single-handedly created would not let him back down.
"Sirius," he said as he came within a few feet of the couch. Sirius jumped spectacularly at the sound of his name.
He looked over the back of the couch as though he thought it were someone other than the man he shared the flat with who had spoken. He turned back around. "What?" His tone was not harsh, nor was it friendly or inviting.
Remus came round the couch and stared down at the man he had given his heart to so many years ago. It was heart-wrenching to think about the times when they had been young, carefree and madly in love.
He closed his eyes, drawing a deep breath. "We need to talk, Sirius."
Sirius' eyes closed heavily. He had been expecting this conversation for a very long time. It was something he had avoided at all costs. This was not going to go well. It certainly wouldn't go the way Remus wanted it to. He was sure of that. To try and avoid it further, Sirius kept his tone distant. "What about?"
Remus' lips pursed. He was very good at self-control, but if anyone knew how to make him explode in anger, it was Sirius-Bloody-Black. "You know what about." He fought to keep his voice steady.
For the first time in days, Sirius looked into his eyes. Remus could not read his expression, though he was positive Sirius could see the anger written across his own. Sirius sat back in a nonchalant pose; a pose he had perfected in school. "Yeah, I know. Though, I don't see much to discuss."
Remus focused hard on a spot on the floor near Sirius' bare feet. "Nothing to discuss?" The rise in pitch gave away his calm demeanor. "Have you no heart, Sirius Black?" His fingers were clenching, biting crescent moons into his palms. He wanted nothing more than to blow Sirius' stupid expression off of his stupid face.
A small stab of guilt pushed its way into Sirius' heart, though it was quickly overpowered by a mental picture of James and small Harry broken and destroyed by the betrayal of one of his closest friends.
"Have you?" Sirius replied, his voice also slipping out of its careful monotone.
Remus decided to plunge in head-first and get this conversation going somewhere. He now knew the outcome would not be what he had originally hoped it might be. "I know what you think of me, Sirius," he said, trying oh-so hard to hide the pain he felt. "I know you think I'm the traitor."
Sirius turned his head abruptly, surprised by Remus' blatant statement. Quickly, he countered, "And you think differently of me, huh?"
"Yes, actually," Remus stated incredulously, "I do."
Again, Sirius' anger, having brewed for weeks, took over any sensible thought he may have had. "Well, its bloody faith like that that'll get people killed in this war, Remus!" He was on his feet, his hand clenched around his wand in his pocket. Remus had already taken his out, pointing it defensively in Sirius' direction.
"Is it so wrong to trust the person I love?!" Remus shouted in retaliation. "I guarantee to you that Lily and James are not avoiding each other and accusing each other of treacherous doings!"
Sirius turned away, arms crossing over his heaving chest. "That's not the same! That has nothing to do with us!"
"But don't you see!" Remus pleaded, his voice cracking, "It has everything to do with us! Everything! It is your love for James and his son that has turned you against me. You fear for them and you fear that you made the biggest mistake of all, bringing a werewolf into their lives." The reality of his statement hit him like bricks in the face. He hadn't really realized how true this was until the words blurted from his mouth.
Sirius was silent for a long time. Tears were slipping down his cheeks in silence, and somehow he knew Remus was experiencing the same desperation. "I could never live with myself if I were somehow the cause of their deaths," he said quietly, turning back to face his once-lover.
Remus took a step towards him, intending to lay a hand upon his shoulder in understanding, but Sirius flinched away. "You can't even bear to be touched by my kind anymore," Remus whispered, the words slicing through his skin like white-hot needles. "You've truly lost all desire for me."
Sirius could only avert his eyes. He had never intended for this. He had never intended to turn against the werewolf he had loved so much just weeks before. He would never have gotten them into this relationship if he had known this would be its horrible end. He turned away from Remus again, striding quietly to their bedroom. He opened a drawer full of clothing he had not worn in a very long time, pulling each article out and slowly placing it in the bag he normally took with him on Dumbledore's missions. He had nearly emptied the drawer before Remus had found the strength to drag himself into the room.
He looked from Sirius to the drawer to the bag half stuffed with clothes. "You're leaving," he stated, his voice full of resignation and anguish.
Sirius nodded curtly before opening another drawer full of his personal possessions and trinkets.
"Is there anything I can do to make you stay?" Remus begged in a last-hope chance of salvaging this relationship. Sirius froze, raising his head to look at Remus' glossy eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. The pain he witnessed was too great for him to bear.
"No," he whispered, barely audible.
Remus bowed his head, more and more tears escaping his eyes. Without Sirius, he had no one. Without Sirius, he had nothing to live for, nothing to fight for. This night signaled the end of life as he knew it. Without a word or a glance, Sirius zipped up his bag and swept towards the door, pausing for several seconds to watch the werewolf place himself unsteadily onto the edge of their bed, tears soaking through his shirt, making it stick to his chest. It was almost enough to make Sirius drop his bag and scoop the werewolf and all of his pain up into his arms. Almost.
Instead, Sirius turned away from his lover, his head spinning and throbbing with the emotional pain of the night. He reached the fire on jelly legs, quickly stepping into the emerald flames and declaring, "The Pettigrew's!"
***
It had been hours, days or maybe even weeks before Remus removed himself from his bed. It was hell to explore his now self-owned flat. It was too much space for one person. There were too many memories to stab daggers into his heart in every room. Remus found no peace. No peace whatsoever while he roamed a home that was now nothing more than a broken heart. He knew where Sirius had gone, but he would not follow him. He had made his decision and Remus did everything in his waning power to accept it. It was not an easy task, and he was sure this had not been James' or Dumbledore's intention when they had declared there was a traitor in the Order.
The full moon was terrible, really, really terrible. Remus apparated alone to the Shrieking Shack Dumbledore still allowed him to use in his years after leaving Hogwarts. It was the first time in many years that he had transformed alone. Dumbledore had always been kind enough to keep Sirius home on these nights to be with Remus in his hardest hours. No such comfort could be found this month. The wolf tore through his flesh violently. The loss of his mate had taken a horrible toll on the wolf as well. Though it had no rational thoughts, it was still tied to Remus' mind, and Remus' mind was in a very bad place as of late.
It was not until late the next night that Remus limped out of the Shrieking Shack and into the streets of Hogsmeade, where he could successfully apparate back to his empty, lonely apartment. Upon his arrival, a large part of him wanted nothing more than to sneak back to the Shack. He was very surprised to find an owl awaiting him. As far as his kitchen revealed, the owl had been here for quite some time, picking at the stale bread upon the counter. Remus untied the note carefully and immediately recognized the handwriting.
Dear Remus,
James and I have chosen a Secret-Keeper. I'm sure you know who it is, though I do not feel safe revealing it here. James would not have anyone else in charge of the protection of his little Harry. The Fidelius will be set up within the next two days. We wanted to let you know that we are safe and worry-free, for the time-being at least.
Lots of Love,
Lily Potter
P.S. I know something happened between you and Sirius, though I do not know in any way what. I am terribly sorry. I know you are suffering greatly, and I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need anything. Even just a friend to talk to. Keep your chin up, Remus. There are still people who care about you deeply.
Remus nearly wept with adoration for James' wife. Never was there a kinder person in his life than Lily Potter. Even when her own family is on the brink of destruction, she reaches a hand out to others in need. It was an inhuman kindness Remus had not found in anyone else. He folded the note and placed it into his pocket, before scribbling a reply back, stating his thanks and joy at their safety. At least things were finally improving for Lily, James and Harry Potter. Merlin only knows how much they needed a turn in their favor. Even if it was only a temporary one.
***
Sirius had been staying at Peter Pettigrew's for several days when James and Lily had flooed in to announce that they had chosen Sirius to be their Secret-Keeper. Sirius was ecstatic, though both men had known all along what the decision would be. They took their time to satisfy Dumbledore's wishes and suspicions.
It was Halloween, and they quietly joked of the look on Lily's face when she realized James had transfigured Harry's pumpkin costume in to that of a Quidditch player. He even planned to use the miniature levitating broom Sirius had given the boy for his birthday just months before to complete the costume. However, Lily succeeded in ruining their high spirits when he mentioned Remus. She successfully opened all of Sirius' partially healed wounds; something she had always been quite good at. The reason he had gone to the Pettigrew's rather than the Potter's was because he knew Peter and his mother would not ask questions. Peter had never been completely comfortable with Sirius' relationship with Remus, and so, he never wanted to know anything more than he already did. But James and Lily were not like that. She had heard, and she wanted to know what had gone so ridiculously wrong.
Sirius refused time and time again to share what had happened between him and the werewolf. He knew Lily and James would see it as having been their fault. Sirius would not allow his best friend to put any more weight upon his shoulders. James and Lily had enough to deal with. Finally, after several minutes of poking and prodding, they gave up and turned their attentions back to the real reason for their visit. James had been given specific orders straight from Dumbledore as to how to perform the charm. Because it came from Dumbledore, with his own genius magical twists, it would be a very, very strong Fidelius Charm.
Sirius immediately beckoned Peter into the room. "Pete," he began, noticing the eager look on the plump man's face. "James wants me to be his Secret-Keeper."
Peter nodded his head, knowingly. "Well, you are the obvious choice, aren't you?" he said, shrugging his shoulders in a nonchalant fashion very unlike himself.
Sirius froze at Peter's words, his eyes widening in horror. "'The obvious choice…'" he whispered under his breath. It was never good to be the obvious choice. He had to protect James and his family. He had to make sure Voldemort could not get through to them. Though Sirius had been well aware that Voldemort was very likely to search for him when he received information of Dumbledore's plan for the Potters' protection, he had never given a consideration to the thought of choosing someone for Secret-Keeper that Voldemort would never suspect. He knew what he had to do. He would alert Dumbledore later; there was no time to waste.
Peter had been talking to him for quite some time, though Sirius had been lost in his own thoughts and had not heard a thing. He interrupted the man sharply.
"You have to do it," he exclaimed, staring at Peter hard. "Prove your Gryffindor courage and be their Secret-Keeper." His voice was thick with emotion. When Peter continued to stare at him strangely, he quickly explained his thought process. "The Dark Lord will immediately suspect myself or Dumbledore as James' Secret-Keeper. He'll come right after me. I know I would never give up their location, but what if, somehow, he was able to get it out of me? The Dark Lord has powers I still cannot conceive." The last part, Sirius added more as a note to himself than his companion. Peter attempted to cut him off, but Sirius waved an impatient hand and continued. "He will never suspect you, Pete! Don't you see! This is perfect! The perfect diversion! You must do it!" He looked towards James and Lily meaningfully. They had remained silent while Sirius attempted to pitch his idea on Peter. "You two must understand how logical this is! No one will suspect him!"
Lily looked severely uneasy. James held her hand tightly, not very good at defying his best mate. He could not deny that he saw the logic in Sirius' reasoning. It made sense, but he was not sure if he were willing to subject his family's safety to a virtually talentless man. In his heart, he knew he wanted Sirius to do it, but he could see what Sirius was getting at.
James nodded in Sirius' direction. "I think you're right, Sirius," he said quietly, avoiding Lily's gaze, for he knew she had the same feeling of unease as him. But she could not possibly understand what he and Sirius understood. It made sense and he knew Sirius had their best interests at heart. "Peter should do it."
Peter himself looked scared, sweat pouring down his brow. His eyes were shifty in a manner completely unnoticed by Sirius in his determination. "I don't know, guys," he said quietly. "I'm not like you. What…what if he gets me?"
"He won't!" Sirius screamed, trying to make Peter understand, without hurting the poor man's small amounts of confidence. "You're the last person he will suspect! You must do this, Peter! You MUST!"
Peter looked as though the decision being forced upon him was causing him a great deal of pain. He seemed to be struggling within himself. Finally, he let his head hang, and gave in. "All right, Sirius."
Sirius smiled wider than he had done in what felt like ages. "C'mon, then!" He beckoned Peter towards him, missing the sweat staining his clothing and the thoroughly uncomfortable look on his face. It only took minutes for James to place the charm upon Peter Pettigrew. Sirius had the short man quickly give him the location of the Potters' home, so he could enter without issue when the time came.
In his excitement, Sirius threw caution to the wind and announced that it was time he fixed things with Remus. There should be a celebration for his genius work. Lily and James agreed, telling both men they were welcome to accompany them back to Godric's Hollow. Peter obliged, and Sirius told them he would meet them there later after he had reconciled with Remus.
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