Ok, this chapter was a bit longer than usual. Hope you enjoy. Thanks again to those who reviewed and to those who have put me on their story alert/favourite lists.

It's good to know, that there are some people out there reading this story. It really makes me happy.

Enjoy reading and tell me what you think.

xoxo, Mia

A bright sunny winter day in New York was coming to an end. It had been snowing the night before and since it was a holiday Saturday a lot of people had been to Central Park taking walks, taking their dogs out, ice – skating. Singles, families, couples, they were all happy and enjoying themselves.

Blair hadn't taken notice of any of this, the activities around her had been too surreal for her to comprehend.

Happy people everywhere. Happiness just didn't exist in Blair Waldorf's world. Not anymore. She had landed this morning and normally she would have been thrilled with an in snow covered New York, but while the taxi had moved trough the traffic an the crowded streets of New York, Blaire had just starred out of the window without noticing anything.

Now she was lying in her bed, the blanket tightly wrapped around her until up to her chin, the curtains closed.

Blair just lay there starring at the wall opposite her bed a blank expression on her face. Although she was jetlagged and exhausted, sleep just wouldn't find her.

The apartment was completely silent. Her mother and Cyrus were still gone enjoying their honeymoon and Dorota was currently visiting her sister who had moved from Poland to Conneticut two years ago.

It had taken Blair quite some time and a huge amount of energy that she didn't really have to convince her maid – who nearly had had a hysterical attack when Blair had shown up at the Waldorf apartment – to leave Blair alone.

Dorota had only given up her quest to stay with her, when Blair had convinced her, that her breakdown had just been the cause of a low blood pressure and she would spend the rest of the Christmas holidays with Serena and the Van der Woodsens.

To make the lie even more perfect, she had even allowed Dorota to pack a bag for her which was now residing on the left side of her bed.

After Dorota had finally left, the memories of the events in Bangkok had nearly washed over her causing Blair to control them the only way she knew how.

She had made her way down to the Kitchen and had eaten all of the things she had been able to get a hold of – this had included a whole apple pie which had seemed to be waiting in the fridge only for her.

When she had been done, she had gone to her bathroom focusing on her mission: gaining back control – not only over her body but also over her mind.

She had retched and retched and retched until there was nothing left, until she had been exhausted, until her mind had been as empty as her stomach.

But now the memories came back and there was no food left and she was too dizzy to get up anyway. There was nothing left to concentrate on, nothing to distract her.

How she had even made it home to New York was beyond her. But now she could vaguely remember she had run out on the streets – after a long elevator ride – tears floating down her cheeks, clutching her bag tightly to her chest like her life depended on it. And maybe it had. The tight grip had prevented her from falling apart because it had felt real in her hands where else the rest was strangely surreal to her.

She remembered the screech of car breaks and an older couple who had taken care of her and of everything else.

Blair wasn't really sure what she had told them to explain why she had been running around, half naked and crying but whatever it had been it had obviously worked.

The next thing Blair could remember, was that she had been on a plane some hours later, wearing a pair of warm trousers, a cotton pullover and a pair of grey boots, oh yes and a winter jacket with an indefinable colour.

Normally she would have been disgusted with those clothes and would definitely have cause a scene, but she hadn't even cared.

If she was honest with herself nothing mattered anymore.

On the flight back she had had a window seat and a boy of perhaps ten years old had been sitting next to her.

He had tried to start a conversation with her, but she had starred at him without saying a word causing him to mumble "freak" under his breath and changing seats with his mother who just had tried to ignore the crazy young woman.

After that very tiny little scene, Blair had closed her eyes pretending to be asleep and had just open them when they had landed at Newark airport. Everyone had clapped and cheered and Blair had felt isolated and more alone than ever.

Wherever she was she just didn't seem to fit. She just didn't know how.

For Serena it was easy. Everyone adored her. She was so very natural. An open person who could easily charm a whole room with just one word and a bright smile

Blair instead …

Blair wasn't this carefree and she didn't trust easily.

Of course the crème de la crème of the UES had marked Serena with a label "too wild" whereas Blair was treat with respect. Contraire to Serena, nobody whispered openly behind her back – behind close doors well that was a complete different story.

But no matter how scandalous Serena's behaviour was sometimes people adored her anyway. Serena had no trouble to get attention. Wherever she and Blair were together, Serena was always the one being focused on by the masses.

Even Blair's mother was fascinated by Serena van der Woodsen – and Eleanor Waldorf wasn't impressed easily, that was for sure – and had picked her over Blair several times for her fashion shows.

Or Nate. He had always longed for Serena while being with Blair. Blair had tried not to focus on it. She wasn't stupid – of course she had recognized the glances that her boyfriend had directed towards Serena.

But being a good girlfriend and trying to hold up the perfect façade of her perfect life and relationship she had tried to ignore the attraction that Nate obviously had felt for Serena.

But no matter what, Blair couldn't hate Serena. She actually loved her best friend dearly. They weren't just best friends. They were sisters. As an only child and two often abandoned children, Blair, Serena and Eric had grown very close over the years, always holding each others back.

Serena and Eric were family to Blair.

She remembered a day in first grade. There had been a boy who had called Blair a weirdo because she had been wearing a headband.

Without saying a word or another sign of warning, Serena had punched the boy who was much taller than her at that time on the nose.

"This is my best friend Blair Waldorf and I'm Serena van der Woodsen and if you ever insult her again, you'll regret it. And by the way, you're a weirdo yourself – I mean long hair in a ponytail, seriously?

Come on, B, I'll buy us the biggest ice cream cup out there. Oh, and you're headband looks stunning, don't let him bother you. You have seen him."

With those words, she had grabbed Blair's hand and they had spent a great afternoon in Central Park enjoying their ice creams.´

Yes, Blair loved Serena.

And then, there was Chuck. Finally she was thinking of him, all of the emotions she had hold back, rushing over her now.

He had ever been there for her in his own twisted way, while she had been Nate's girlfriend, helping her plot, watching out for her, when Nate wasn't around, protecting her.

After their night in Bangkok she had been convinced, that he felt the same way about her that she felt about him, that he actually loved her too. The way he had looked her, the longing evident in his eyes, the way he had touched her, had graced her, like she was fragile like porcelain…

Of course she had expected him to drink and to do drugs. He had lost his father for heaven's sake and had dealt with it, the only way Chuck Bass knew how. In this way there were a like, he dealt with pain drinking and doing drugs, she with retching.

But never ever she had expected him to screw around. Not after she had told him that she loved him, not after the night he had turned towards her, crying in her arms.

The two girls had been evidently prostitutes, with their too short skirts and tops and their too much covered in make-up faces.

And she, she had been just another fuck to him, nothing more. But his tenderness, the way he had been taking care of her in the shower…

Stop it Blair! He doesn't love you and never will. You mean nothing to him, get over it, get over it, get over it.

She repeated this over and over in her head, but the tears had started to run down her face and the pain just didn't ease, instead it was growing and growing until Blair couldn't breathe anymore. She grabbed her phone desperately and called her favourite restaurant Butter to deliver her some food to the Waldorf apartment.

She needed to breath, she needed control, she needed…

************

Chuck was miserable. Chuck was drunk. He couldn't count the bottles of scotch, he had consumed, since her disappearance.

After she had come to see him in Bangkok, he had started to feel better. And when they had made love, he had regained hope, that maybe, maybe life wasn't as bad and worthless as he had thought it was.

He was far from being okay and he still had no idea how to cope with the fact that he was an orphan now, but the feeling of loneliness had eased.

While he had been in the bathroom, he had once again looked in the mirror and for the first time since his father's death, he had seen himself again. His eyes had been not those of a haunted animal anymore. They had been human reflecting hope.

Of course he still had been too pale, too thin, and the dark shadows under his eyes had still been visible, but their had been a sparkle in his eyes. It had been caused by her and Chuck had been ready to return to New York with her and to finally be with her – given she would let him of course. He still was unable to say those words to her, but he would show her.

But once again, fate had hit him with full force. This time in form of two Asian girls he barely remembered.

He had run after her, but he had been too late, as always he had been too late. He had been worried that something would happen to her. It had been late in the evening and his hotel "The Crown" wasn't situated in one of the best areas of Bangkok. It had been useless, he had made several phone calls, but nothing.

Lots of hours later, or an eternity later, he had received a phone call from his P.I. that Blair had been spotted leaving Newark airport and Chuck had been relieved, that she hadn't been harmed or physically hurt by anyone. Emotionally was probably another story.

Five seconds later he had comprehended, what her being back in New York meant.

Blair was gone and he once more had screwed up and there was no way, she would give him another chance – he had had too many. This was it, it was over.

So he had started drinking and drinking and drinking.

A faint knock on the door had finally shacked him back to reality.

For a second he had the vain hope it would be her. His Blair. But that wasn't possible.

"What" he slurred and opened the door with much less force he had intended to, but his current state didn't allow more power. He could barely stand on his feet as it was right now.

It was Nate.

"What do you want Nathaniel" he stumbled.

The next thing he remembered was that the cold shower hit him full force causing him to curse.

"Nathaniel are you crazy? Seriously have you lost your mind?"

"Drink this" Nate handed him a cup with what smelled like a very strong coffee..

"I need you to sober up. Serena and I, we need your help. It's about Blair. She seems to suffer from bulimia and she had fled the hospital she had been in, because of a relapse. We need to fin her, but we don't know how."

"Chuck?"

tbc…