Another sleepless night met Sakura in it's cold, malevolent embrace. The bed that she used to find warm and safe now left her feeling disheartened and wanting.
Louder, louder
The voices in my head
Whispers taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and I'm still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
Too many nights she'd spent held in his firm grip, feeling both cherished and content, and knowing that when she woke up, he'd still be there -- that he'd already be awake, but holding her, and deliberately splaying his fingers across her stomach. Like most mornings, both would be bared to one another after a long night of intimacy that not only left her with blushing cheeks when she went to work that morning, but also with the knowledge that more than likely, there would be a repeated performance that night. And now... nothing jovial was present but tainted memories of what she could never have again.
Time
In the blink of an eye
You held my hand, you held me tight
Now you're gone
And I'm still crying
Shocked, broken
I'm dying inside
So she lay in the bed, night after night, reflecting on the somber thoughts that filtered through her mind's eye uncensored. The violent collision after a particularly formidable mission. Sneaking knowing glances at one another during meetings or time out with their friends. The exhilarating feeling when they went out to a bar, and ended up in the alley outside, with rough bricks breaking her skin and his callused hands gripping her hips. Torn sheets. Shredded clothes. Broken furniture. Hell, there was even a few times at the training grounds where their combined passion caused a large crater -- which was actually rather a hard thing to explain to Tsunade.
And it was all gone. No more quick kisses in the halls of the Jounin station. No loving arms to keep her warm at night when she was chilled. No looking into his eyes and knowing that he wouldn't leave ever her. Because he did -- with a smile. He walked out of her life the same way that he came in -- indifferent.
Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
His name had been inscribed onto the memorial stone a month and a half ago. There was no hope from anyone that he might be alive, it had been too long. The funeral was a small affair -- only his closest friends, Tsunade, Jiraya, Shizune, Ton-Ton and Sakura -- Naruto and Sasuke had been out on an S-classed pursuit, and hadn't come back until a few weeks after. It was depressing and after the stone was engraved, Sakura left. There had been no need or reason to stay... no body -- no real way to say goodbye to the man she'd given her heart to and had it returned to her in shattered remnants.
Sakura knew -- could feel it deep in her soul -- that she would never be able to love someone as deeply and want someone so dearly... She just couldn't. Not again. Though she wasn't even positive there was an ounce of love left for her to give.
And for that reason she felt horrible about dragging the sweet and kindhearted Kinnan into a situation that left them both bereft.
They had gotten to know one another for the last few weeks and finally talked about their upcoming marriage that would ultimately align their countries.
They had talked about each of their pasts during the different times that they were free to get together, and Sakura was more or less surprised that they had compatable personalities. But even then, there was still something that distressed her about him. When they were going through all of the things they'd be giving up for this merger to work... they became stuck on one thing -- the vows. Love. Obedience. And abstaining from taking other lovers.
Sakura could see them being friends, companions even, through this, but when she thought about him in a husband like role, her mood turned bitter. Though his mood hadn't been much better. Learning to obey another person, wasn't very likely. And there was no question of whether or not Sakura would ever take another lover, it hadn't crossed her mind. The answer was an extremely firm no. Although he had left her behind without a care, she still held the memories of their time together dear to what was left of her heart.
Shadows linger
Only to my eye
I see you, I feel you
Don't leave my side
It's not fair
Just when I found my world
They took you
They broke you
They tore out your heart
But Kinnan... he didn't even have a choice of being in the marriage. His okaa-san had thrown him to the Sound nin and didn't look back. It seemed as though as long as he was out of her hair, she had no problems. He would never talked about the lovers he had beforehand or if he had someone that was waiting for him back in Rain. That wasn't saying that Sakura hadn't tried to get him to tell her, feeling horrible about making the fun-loving man frown, but on that subject he closed up his otherwise long-winded banter.
And that worried her. She had nothing left to lose, but Kinnan... who knew what all he was losing by going into this.
Thankfully, their nuptials had been postponed until her shishou, Konoha's elders, and the council from Rain had come to an agreement with the wording and comprised deeds of the contract. If one of the countries was happy with the outcome, the other was not. It was already rather long, but when one of the country's representatives got through with it, it was impossibly long. Both sides hoping that the other would rather sign it than to actually read it. Needless to say, the trust between the countries was still fairly shaky. Which just furthered the need for an immutable pact -- like marriage -- between them.
Giving up on sleep, Sakura grabbed a light afghan to rap around herself as she walked to the small window seat that she had in her living room. The sun's first rays of light came through the flurry of clouds that covered the illuminated sky, before cascading through the panes on her window, brightening the otherwise dark room.
I miss you, you hurt me
You left with a smile
Mistaken, your sadness
Was hiding inside
Now all that's left
Are the pieces to find
The mystery you kept
The soul behind a guise
A sigh bubbled through her lips unfiltered -- and instead of swallowing it down -- she let the soft, distressing sound reverberate around the small alcove that she sat in. It was times like this -- between twilight and dawn -- that she missed him the most. She could still feel him nuzzling her tousled hair, as he rolled over towards her half-asleep. Or the way he'd grab at her while she was getting ready for a shift at the hospital, and ended with her getting sidetracked and running a few hours late. The times of falling asleep by herself on the grounds after training, and then waking up, wrapped in his arms, on one of the higher branches while he read that ridiculous book.
Sakura couldn't help but have a small bitter smile appear at the melancholy recollection that thinking of him produced. Getting up, she dropped the blanket back on the seat and went over to slip on her sandals and grab a light jacket to protect her from the cool night air.
Not knowing where she was going, she was surprised that the path she was running -- across the roofs and in the trees -- was leading her towards the memorial. Sakura clenched her hands into fists, angry that her subconscious would drag her here. She hadn't been here since the funeral, and the sight of the gleaming stone that held so many fallen shinobi -- friends -- left her lips quivering. Jumping down from the tree she had stopped in, Sakura dejectedly began to walk the short path. Leaning down, she let her hand glide over the smooth, ebony surface, her fingers automatically landing on the most recently added shinobi. Tears built up in her eyes as she let her fingers trace the caricatures of H, A and T, before her hand fell with a mournful cry, her head following soon after.
Where are you
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
Why did you go?
All these questions run through my mind
I wish I couldn't feel at all
Let me be numb
I'm starting to fall
Sobs shook through her body as the sky brightened with the approaching sunrise. The hand that hadn't fallen, continually hit the stone -- not able to concentrate her chakra to demolish it -- and not having the strength to do anything more than sit there and strike at the slab with an open hand.
Hours passed, the sun rose, yet she stayed in the same position, her fingers lightly scratching at the corners of the memorial. The loud cries shortened to hiccups. The hiccups changed to sniffles. And the sniffles led to the deep breathing of an unconscious sleeper, and dreams of the future she had lost when he walked out the door.
You were smiling
