Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.


Chapter Three – Answers

After that night, it became an almost daily occurrence; mostly when we were away on a case, but it wasn't uncommon for you to turn up at my home unannounced at 2am. We never really discussed it; it just happened, it just was. And I let it; I was too afraid to do any different, too afraid to question it, too afraid of losing you.

We'd spend those nights in random hotel rooms across the country, just the two of us; completely lost in each others bodies and blissfully ignorant to the world, moving together as that world around us went on and yet at the same time seemed to stop completely, replacing our memories of the day's events the way we'd recently become accustomed to.

Over time, I slowly became consumed with thoughts about what it was that we were doing, what name could be put to it, what title could be put to us. But I'm unsure of what made me speak up that night in Delaware.

"Jen.. What is this? I mean.. between us.. what is this to you?" I became immediately angry with myself once the words left my mouth and broke the usual awkward, post-coital silence that filled the room as I buttoned up my shirt.

I'd fought with myself for so long over discussing our secret meetings with you. I think, deep down, I knew that you loved me in your own way, but I needed so desperately to hear it. I needed to know that you wanted, needed, more than this; just like I did. And though half of my conscience told me, screamed at me even, that bringing it up could end the already little time that I got with you, I needed so badly to know what you were thinking.

You smiled at me as you walked over to sit beside me; the same smile that you used for the cameras - I hated that. Whether you realised it or not, I could see straight through it; I could see the pain you felt with this situation, with the lies and the deceit, and I almost felt guilty for reminding you and shoving it in your face.

"Em.." There was that name again. I don't know what it is about you calling me that that sends me into such a frenzy; maybe it was because it was like everything else regarding us; just ours. No one else called me Em, no one else was allowed; only you.

I forced myself to look at you before you continued, with a look on your face that I'd never seen before.

"Before I met you, I never realised anything could feel this way, should feel this way. I guess.. I never questioned it. The way life was meant to play out had already set its foundations in my head and I suppose I just followed. Adding the pieces to the puzzle as I went along. The house, the job, the boyfriend."

I stopped you there, unsure I wanted to hear anymore, but to my surprise, and possibly due to the alcohol you'd consumed earlier, you broke your usual ignorance to the situation and continued.

"No, Em.. I need to explain this to you.." You turned to face me and took both my hands in yours. "I started putting the pieces together but.. something was always missing, ya know? And then.. you turned up in my life out of the blue and suddenly everything started to make some form of twisted sense yet... at the same time completely dispelled any sense in my life."

You stopped there, almost as though you were afraid to say much more, or perhaps you saw the ending of your story for what it was – the ending that I wouldn't allow myself to see. And as silence descended on the room once more, I felt suddenly obligated to fix it. So I kissed you; a silent understanding.

I always did try to protect you from situations that so blatantly made you feel uncomfortable; I somehow felt that it was my responsibility. I mean, the point of my existence was to help you to forget those painful emotions, right? But looking back now, I wish I'd probed you to speak more. Maybe then I would have seen how difficult you really did and do find the whole situation; maybe then I would have seen that it was too difficult and beyond the point of change.

We never discussed it again after that night but, though you may not have realised it, you'd simply fueled my hopes that one day you'd see that it didn't have to be this complicated, it didn't have to be this way, and you'd choose me. Over your families ideas of ideology. Over Will. Over it all. You'd choose me.

I left your hotel room that night filled with more hope, and quite honestly, a slight pang of giddiness; not knowing that it would be short lived.