…maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.
Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
I just want to feel real love, in a life ever after.
There's a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face,
it's a real big place.
Come and hold my hand,
I want to contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I've been given.
Feel by Robbie Williams
If I believed that at least my horrible luck would run itself out during the weekend, I was woefully mistaken. I woke up with a smile on Monday morning knowing that, at the very least, one thing would go right. I would finally get to see Edward again, after the week we'd last been together. All I had to do was go to Middle Ages and I would see him; hopefully that'd be enough of a bright spot to make up for my crappy weekend. And to erase Jacob's stern face as he watched me driving away through narrowed eyes, absolutely refusing to speak with me past, "It's done. Leave."
Well, I showed up to Middle Ages. And guess what? Edward didn't.
I was in a very sour mood all class period, my heightened hopes flattened and crushed when I'd walked in and found the back row, and all the rows, to be completely devoid of any bronze-haired male.
Insecurity and bitterness swept through me in pounding waves. 'I'm glad you forgave me Bella,' I mocked snidely in my head, 'Because I'm not sure I can stay away from you. I'll see you soon.' What a joke. And what a fool I'd been to believe it. I knew it'd been too good to be true. At this point, having seen neither hide nor tail of him since last Monday, I was about ready to write him up as a dream.
I guess my emotions were pretty obvious, because at some point a very concerned Mike passed me a note with the words Hey, are you okay? written on it.
Yeah, I just didn't have a very good weekend, I wrote back, trying to clear my face and head. He didn't need to know I was also almost stalkerishly bummed out because a guy I'd met once hadn't shown up or talked to me since…even though he'd said he would.
Well I hope your day gets better, he wrote, making me smile. Are you going to be eating lunch with Alice again?
This was a good question. I guess he assumed that I was going to make a pattern of it on Mondays. I'm actually not sure. I haven't talked to her recently. I guess we'll see. Hey, are you mad that I'm eating with her?
I was most hesitant when I next unfolded the note, wondering if I really wanted to know. I don't know. I'm not mad really so much as…disgruntled (check out my awesome vocab.) She just makes me really anxious, and that makes me worry for you. Like I don't know, it doesn't really make sense, I just always get the feeling that something bad is going to happen to you because of - he scratched out the 'because of' thickly but I could still make it out - around her.
This answer made me feel torn. Thank you. That's really sweet of you to be so concerned over me. But I really wish you'd get to know Alice. She's so sweet and nice and lovable. It's hard to not like her, really. She can say some peculiar things I'll admit, but not in a bad way.
Sorry Bella. I wish I could be as nonjudgmental as you, but I guess I just knew her at a really bad time. I don't think I can ever come back from that.
That's okay. I understand. And I did.
We both went back to paying attention to the teacher after that, and my eyes almost habitually flashed to where Edward had sat just one week ago. His desk was echoingly empty.
I turned back around, scowling.
I was still disappointed and downtrodden when I walked to my science class. I was so distracted that I almost ran into Alice when she stopped in front of me. Almost.
"Oh hey!" I said, my eyes widening. At least she didn't look angry. "Did you get my message?"
"Yeah I did," she said regretfully. "Sucks, that. How about we try again this weekend?"
"That sounds good," I told her, relieved. "I don't have anything planned."
"Great." She beamed. "Do you want to have lunch with me?"
I nodded eagerly and her smile widened. "Awesome. Except, I was thinking of going home to eat. What do you think? Come with me?"
"Oh. Y-yeah. That sounds doable. I don't have any afternoon classes anyway."
"Alright, meet me in the parking lot after class. You can follow me in your truck."
I looked at her quizzically. "How'd you know what car I drive?"
She looked off-put for the second time since I'd known her. "Er, I've seen you drive away in it. Am I not supposed to have?" She laughed.
I joined in unsteadily, feeling stupid. I really could figure these things out on my own. "I'm going to be late for class," I said, glancing at my watch. "See you later then?"
"Yeah." Smiling, she suddenly grabbed my gloved hand, squeezing it tightly before skipping off. I stood there, stock still, hand throbbing in memory of the contact. Coming back to myself, I realized I really did have to go.
I rushed into the classroom, barely on time. I looked up, about to make my way to my seat when I had to stifle a gasp of shock. Edward sat there in the back, eyes trained on me. Very slowly the corners of his lips lifted into a small smile, and he gave me the 'come hither' finger. Trying not to stumble and draw unwanted attention to myself, as class was about to start, I made my way back to the seat beside his.
"Edward - " I whispered.
"Shh," he interrupted sternly. His eyes glanced around. "Class is started." He pointed to the talking professor at the front of the room. My eyes glanced around too in automatic response. Nobody else was sitting in the back row. I guess they didn't want to look like underachievers. I resisted a sigh.
Instead, I reached into my bag and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. I noted that Edward didn't seem to have any kind of bag with him at all. I raised a brow at that.
Where have you been? I asked, and then thought that that sounded very accusatory. He didn't actually owe me anything. In Middle Ages, I added, and pushed the paper towards him.
He reacted by pushing the paper closer to me and leaned over to write, bringing him into my space again. His shoulder was very close to mine. My heart started pounding, and I gulped when he plucked the pen delicately from my hand.
I watched as he wrote, hoping I wouldn't pass out this time. I hardly needed to explain that to the professor.
I had the wrong history class. I got transferred. I'm sorry I haven't seen you sooner, I've just been busy. This made me raise my brow again, wondering over his lack of a bag. Maybe he just forgot it. I heard you had to cancel with Alice this weekend. What happened?
I went to visit my dad and my truck broke down. It took a day to fix it. By one of the most back-stabbing jerks I've ever had the misfortune to have ever been friends with. But Edward didn't need to know all that.
He nodded seriously, his brow furrowing. Glad you're okay, he wrote quickly, before he started playing with his fingers, leaning out of my space. I breathed in deeply, not realizing how shallow my breath had gotten until just then, taking his move as an end to the note. I read his response, a little puzzled. It was a sweet sentiment, but having a broken down truck didn't tend to lend itself to a person being in any harm, like being okay implied. I shook it off, realizing I was probably over-thinking it. He was just being nice.
I tried desperately to listen to the teacher, taking comprehensive notes. It was difficult to concentrate. My entire body was very aware of Edward next to me - and even more aware of the knowledge that he had touched me before, and could touch me again.
My dream from a week ago suddenly haunted me. I'll touch you, Dream-Edward had whispered. I took measured breaths, peeking at Edward from the corner of my eyes. He was staring at me too, and I got lost in his green gaze. He really did have the most remarkable eyes. They almost glowed with their thriving color.
"Do you need paper?" I asked under my breath, thinking that maybe that was why he was staring. The boy in front of me shifted a little, his head turning as if to look back, but he stopped and resumed what he was doing.
Edward shifted as well, looking away and pulling at his nail with more agitation. "Sure," he murmured, and I reached into my bag to get him some, and another pen. I slid them towards him and he lifted the pen quickly, fingertips grazing the paper. I suddenly longed to be the inanimate objects. I swallowed thickly, returning my ears to the professor, who was writing some sort of equations on the board. I saw Edward start taking notes as well.
A few minutes later, a movement made my gaze shift from my paper to the floor, and I saw both our feet under the table. His foot was very close to mine, and hesitantly inching closer. My heart thumped and the pumping in my veins sped up along with my breathing. I forced myself to control the breathing. I would not pass out again. Absolutely not. Hands suddenly shaking, I shifted my foot closer as well until our shoes were touching.
I couldn't look at him. My eyes stared unseeingly at my notes, a whooshing in my ears. I tried to continue taking notes, act remotely normal, but my handwriting came out completely unreadable.
Edward's foot was moving again, slowly wrapping around mine until our ankles were linked together. Even through the layers of our clothes it felt magical; unreal.
"You can tell me to stop," he whispered, and I was shocked to hear his breathing almost as unsteady as mine.
I wanted to tell him that I couldn't, actually, because I didn't want him to, but my throat was too dry to speak. I just shook my head instead.
I closed my eyes, letting myself drink in the divinity of this moment, of this feeling. I didn't really know who Edward was, but I would forever be grateful for his existence, if only for these times.
We stayed that way for the rest of class, and eventually I was able to semi get my bearings and start taking notes again. The weight on my ankle was always in every thought though, the light pressing of our legs together.
The intensity of my happiness and wonderment and excitement never actually faded or lessened. But the more accustomed I became the more capacity I gained to handle it.
Edward never resumed his note-taking. On occasion, he would move his ankle up and down mine slightly. That always sent an unmeditated shock to my system and make me pause whatever I was doing or thinking. It was strange and almost laughable to think he was feeling the same as I was. Nobody could unless they'd lived how I'd lived. But he did seem affected as well and that just added to the hot tingles all over and inside my body.
When class was dismissed it was like waking up. It took us both a few moments to become aware of the world again. I breathed in deeply, tasting the air, my settled body shifting slowly. Little by little, our ankles untangled themselves and I gathered my things. Edward stood and pulled my chair back for me, his thumb lightly brushing my back. I started, in pleasure and surprise.
"Thanks," I whispered, voice hoarse. He nodded. The room was almost empty now, and we made our way quietly to the exit.
I wanted to say something - anything - as we joined the throng of traveling students, but he cut me off before I could get a word out. "I'll see you soon," he said again, abruptly, and just like that was making his way quickly through the crowd, away from me.
"Wait!" I called after him, ignoring the looks from those around me, but I kept my eyes on his retreating back. He was already gone.
Huffing in frustration, I made my way to the student parking lot. 'I'll see you soon,' he'd said again. Did that mean what it did last time? Did it literally translate out into, 'See you in a week,'?
Upon arriving, I saw Alice leaning her arms and elbows against the hood of my truck, staring off into space. Hesitantly, wondering if I was crossing my boundaries - though she had touched me, twice now without signs of discomfort - I lightly tapped her on her shoulder.
She blinked and looked round to me, smiling. I smiled back, pleased. Maybe I wasn't so damaged after all.
"Ready to go?" she asked brightly, her daze vanished.
"I'm here aren't I?" I joked, and she grinned, prancing away to her car - a flashy yellow number parked not too far away from mine. I got in and started my truck, which, despite its loud roar, was no longer shaky or whining, to my relief. At least Jacob hadn't tried to sabotage it. I pulled out and followed Alice's car off of the campus grounds, feeling almost ashamed to be tagging along with this expensive, sporty vehicle in my own old, rusted truck that reminded me too bitterly of the friend I'd lost in the worst way.
Somehow, even in the busy lunchtime traffic of Seattle, Alice managed to wrangle it that I never lost sight of her. We weaved our way through town, went down a side-street, and ended up at the beginning of a private road, which winded into a little section of woods. I couldn't help but to admire the beauty of the dark trees that bent like a natural tunnel to a green and white two-story house at the end of the drive. It almost could've been something out a modernized fairy tale.
I exited my truck, looking around at the beauty of everything in awe. Though it wasn't too far from the busy city streets, it still carried an air of peaceful seclusion. Alice must be very rich to afford her own house, especially here, in prime real estate.
"What do you think?" Alice asked as she sashayed up the steps, me following much less gracefully behind. I tripped on the top step and barely managed to right myself before falling flat on my face. Alice giggled at that.
"I think it's beautiful," I told her. "You're lucky to live here."
"Indeed," she agreed, closing the door behind me. I looked around. Everything was very modern and tasteful, yet still styled in such a way that it didn't have to be updated too much or too often. The living room, left of this hall we were in, was spacey and generously furnished, as was the sitting room I could see to the right. I mimicked Alice by taking my coat off, hanging it by the door. "But I enjoy the privacy. And so do Jasper and Edward."
I froze.
"Edward?" I asked, but my voice came out more like an accusatory demand. "Edward lives here?"
Alice looked vaguely surprised. "Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention that? Thought I did…"
I shifted my weight from foot to foot. I hadn't seen another car in the front yard. "Is he here now?" I asked nervously.
"Well let's see," she said thoughtfully. "Edward!" she yelled, cupping a hand around her mouth. "Are you here?"
"In the kitchen," came his voice from the room at the end of the hall. My jaw dropped and I couldn't do anything else but follow Alice dumbly into the kitchen. How did he beat us here? And I was still trying to wrap my mind around that fact that he lived here, and that if I spent the night, then he would be here, close at hand, as well…
The man in debate was leaning against the counters in the sizable, contemporary kitchen, with its black countertops and gleaming silver fridge. Though the kitchen was amazing, all my eyes could focus on was him. He stared at me too, grinning very slightly. "I told you I'd see you soon," he murmured.
"How did you get here?" I asked the question that was bugging me. "Er, why didn't you ride with Alice, I mean?"
"I got another ride," he said smoothly, crossing his arms. There was something about the way he said it that left me unsatisfied, but I decided to not press the issue.
"Is Jasper in our room?" Alice asked him next, tilting her head.
He nodded at her. "I think so."
"Good. I'm going to go get him. In the meantime, can you get Bella something to eat?" Alice was already walking away, not giving him the choice.
This was all bit surreal to me. Being in another person's house, seeing the casualness of how they interacted, and then of course there was the overwhelmingly bizarre fact that Edward was here. I really didn't understand how they'd failed to mention this before now.
Edward unfolded his arms slowly as he looked at me; well it was actually feeling more like he was examining me. "What would you like?" he questioned. "I know we have left-over pizza. Is that okay, or would you prefer something else?"
"That's fine," I said quickly, standing with my arm in my one hand. I felt a tad awkward and out-of-place. Edward raised a brow as he crossed to the gleaming fridge. "You can sit down you know," he told me, sounding a bit amused.
I hastily took a seat, wincing at the sound of the chair legs being pulled on linoleum.
If he noticed my jumpiness, he didn't comment. I watched as he opened the fridge door and pulled out the plastic-wrapped pizza. I noticed that the contents of the refrigerator were actually pretty sparse when you considered three people lived here. But maybe they just needed to go grocery shopping.
I considered the oddity of the situation as Edward put the unwrapped pizza on a plate and heated it up in the microwave. My dad would completely flip if he knew I lived alone with two men. I wondered what Alice's parents thought.
Edward set the heated food in front of me with one long-fingered, graceful hand, taking the seat across from me. "Thanks," I smiled at him. His answering smile was soft but brilliant.
I felt self-conscious with his eyes on me as I began eating, taking a bite.
"Aren't you going to eat?" I asked after a noisy swallow.
"I'm not especially hungry right now," he said, his gaze never wandering. I cleared my throat.
"I've been meaning to ask…what's your last name?" Maybe I could solve one mystery.
Edward looked mildly surprised, as if he thought I already knew, or he already told me. "Masen," he said finally. "I guess I never introduced myself properly, but my name's Edward Masen."
"Well I'm Bella Swan," I grinned.
"I know," he said quietly. "Alice told me."
I contemplated how much she seemed to be informing him about me, and how little I knew of him. Except for the fact that he was beautiful, made me feel strange things, was aloof and elusive, and could touch my bare skin and seemed to want to. Which was the strangest thing of all, but I wasn't going to complain.
Alice came back in moments later, holding the hand of a tall blond man. I could see he was very attractive too, though he didn't attract me; not like Edward did. He was tall. Much taller than Alice, with honey-blond locks, angled features, and hazel eyes. He smiled genially when our eyes met.
"Jasper, this is Bella, and Bella, this is Jasper," Alice said, gesturing her hand between the two of us. They walked closer so Jasper could extend his hand. I held out my gloved one, hoping that whatever kept Alice from cringing away from me was true for him too.
It was. He took my hand without hesitation and shook it firmly. "Bella," he smiled. "It's so nice to finally meet you. I've heard only good things."
I blushed. His smiled widened. "You're right Edward," he said, his eyes flicking to him. "She is cute when she blushes."
I didn't think my face could get any redder. Edward looked embarrassed too. "Thanks," he hissed at Jasper.
"What's wrong with admitting the truth?" Alice questioned lightly. She kept her arm wrapped around Jasper's, taking him along with her to the fridge. "That pizza looks good. I think I'm going to have some too."
Jasper rested his hand on her shoulder. I watched every contact they made. I could feel the longing in my own face. "Go sit down," he told her. "I'll fix it for you."
Smiling, she reached onto her tip-toes to kiss his cheek, but even still he had to lean down substantially for her to do it. And he didn't look like he minded one bit.
I yanked my eyes back to my food, taking a firm bite.
"Seriously Bella," Alice commented, taking the seat next to me. My heart flipped. "I don't get how you eat with gloves on."
I shrugged. "I'm used to it," I told her. I didn't want to take them off, didn't want to break whatever spell that made these people willing to touch me. I didn't even want to experiment because I didn't want to chance ruining a good thing.
As Alice and I ate, she and Jasper made light conversation. I stayed silent out of habit. Maybe Edward did too. Neither of us spoke in any case. I was having fun enough listening to the two of them.
"I'm telling you," Alice said sternly. "The bed is off center."
"It's not Alice. I measured it myself," Jasper countered.
It sounded like an argument. But it wasn't. The way they interacted, it was like everything they said was just a personal joke designed specifically for the two of them. Any complaining, snide comments, or teasing was all in jest.
I didn't have a lot of experience in the area, but anyone could've seen that they were in love with each other. This fact registered to me within five minutes of being around them without all that much surprise, or even a huge, ground-shaking epiphany. It simply was.
It was strange. I expected it to fill me with even more longing, and maybe it would later. But for right now, I was too busy basking in the glow that they emitted together to feel anything but content, just as I was.
It also didn't hurt matters that mine and Edward's ankles somehow got tangled up again.
"Don't you have to go back to class?" Jasper asked at some point.
Alice glanced at the clock. "Oh yeah," she noted casually. "I should probably get on that."
Jasper retrieved both of our dishes and took them to the sink. Alice walked over to him to get a kiss good-bye. I did have to look away at that. I felt Edward's eyes on me, and I pressed my ankle tighter to his, finding comfort in the contact.
"You don't have anymore class, do you Bella?" Alice confirmed as she walked past me. I shook my head. "Well feel free to stay here," she offered happily. "I'm sure someonecould use the company." There was no pointed infliction in her voice, but I could still tell who she meant. Mine and Edward's eyes met yet again.
Jasper put the clean and dried dishes away, and went after Alice to walk her to the door. Edward and I were alone again.
"So…" Feeling unsure once more, I toyed with the tips of the fingers of my gloves.
To my surprise, he laughed. "Yes?" he asked, and when I looked up there was good humor in his eyes. Perhaps he realized the absurd strangeness of this - our - entire situation as well.
I shrugged, turning to look out the kitchen window. There were only woods. "Do you guys own that?" I asked, indicating my head towards where I was questioning.
He looked outside briefly. "Obviously not all of it," he said, the corners of his mouth twitching. "But neither does anybody else. We can go out there, if that's what you're getting at."
I nodded gratefully, standing up. Regretfully this meant losing contact with him again, and I tried not to let it show on my face.
Edward led me to the back door of the house, opening it for me and gesturing me through. I walked through it, a little flustered by his gentlemanly behavior. I wasn't used to that.
He walked beside me, relatively close, as we made our way to a path at the beginning of the trees. I held my arms at my side, hoping that he would take my hand again. He didn't, staring straight ahead. The silence was pressing as we entered the path, filled with unsaid words.
"So," I began. I peered up at the thick foliage overhead, raindrops hanging from most of the leaves precariously. "What's your story?"
He glanced at me sharply, confused and looking a little weary. "I mean," I went on, "You know. Where'd you come from. How'd you get here. That kind of thing."
He stared at the damp ground, his lips pursing contemplatively. "Well, I was born in Chicago. And I grew up there. Then I…left. Came here for a short while, before I decided to go back to Illinois. I didn't stay for long, and did some traveling afterwards. Then I came back here." He shrugged. "Met Alice and Jasper this past summer. Been with them since. That's kind of it," he said edgily. I doubted that, but at least I finally had some background.
"Wow," I marveled. "All that traveling and you're so young." He didn't look any older than I was.
"Yeah." He peered up at the treetops too.
"What about you Ms. Swan?" he murmured. "…What's your story?"
I squirmed uncomfortably. "There's not much to say I guess. I lived in Arizona most of my life with my mom, but I came here…most summers, to stay with my dad. He lives in Forks." I looked at him. "Alice used to live there too. Do you know where it is?" He nodded, his eyes tight and intent ahead of us. He looked like he was listening very carefully. "Yeah. I lived in Florida for a couple years when my mom remarried too. But I decided to come back here to go to university."
"Why?" Edward asked, turning his eyes on me. They were alive with something I couldn't read.
"I…I guess," I stammered, distracted, "I just thought it would erm…be good for me." I closed my eyes briefly so I could turn and face ahead. "I never really fit in or felt right down south."
"I understand that," he muttered, a little more to himself than me.
I nodded, and we walked on, the silence a little more content this time, with the waters cleared. "You don't have to wear that you know," Edward said suddenly, gesturing to my gloves. "Not around me you don't."
I swallowed heavily. "Oh - …okay."
His hand reached hesitantly for my wrist, and he carefully wrapped his fingers around it. I cursed the fabric separating our skin. My heart hammered against my chest and I concentrated on my breathing again as he lifted up my hand, his fingers gingerly tugging the glove from it. I watched with wide eyes as he slowly tucked my glove in his pocket. He slipped his hand from my wrist down, lacing his fingers with mine. I closed my eyes in ecstasy. I hoped this became a normal Monday routine. Not that I didn't want to see him during the week. But if I could only have this, that was okay.
We walked on, and the more we got used to it, the tighter our hands clasped until I was sure there was no circulation in my left hand - and I didn't give a damn either.
It was strange, this connection that Edward and I had. So much was unspoken. We both knew there was something up with the other, but neither of us openly questioned it. There were things that we - or at least I - didn't understand about one another. I wondered why he wanted to touch me. He probably wondered why I was so weird when he did. But there was a silent acceptance of all these things - ever since our first cryptic conversation - that we were obviously both okay with. For now.
Well, I originally had a lot more planned for this chapter before I realized how much longer it turned out to be. I think I'm glad it worked out this way though, their first re-meeting did deserve a chapter unto itself. So consider this Part 1. I hope you'll like Part 2 =] I think you will.
Review please! Reviews honestly encourage me to write even faster than I already am.
Come play on the Twilighted boards, people are dishing out theories left and right; it's fun to watch. I'm exempt from participating as that would require me giving answers I refuse to give, but I'm sure it's as fun to chat as it is to observe. I'm thinking I might just post a teaser for Part 2 later today as well.
- The Romanticidal Edwardian
