I just don't want to die without a few scars.
Fight Club, by Chuck Pahalniuk
Take my hand,
Come back to the land,Where everything's ours
For a few hours.
Let me see you stripped
Down to the bone.
Stripped by Shiny Toy Guns
When I turned away from the cliff-face, I was expecting to see Edward standing at the edge of the dark forest, as per usual. This time, I was surprised to see no dark forest, but the sitting room of Alice's house, one of the only rooms I'd seen. And what surprised me more was that Jasper was the one sitting there, lounging back into the red material of a chair. He gestured his hand invitingly towards the couch adjacent to him.
"Make yourself at home Bella," he smiled. "This is the one place you really can be yourself."
"And where are the others?" I asked, taking a seat where he indicated. The couch truly was comfortable, and there was no resisting leaning back with a sigh.
"Well, when you're on your own you can be, I suppose, because no one's around to misunderstand. But other than that, I'm really not sure. Even with your friends, you have to hold back. Your other friends, that is."
"Er, that's interesting to know, but I was actually asking where Alice and Edward are," I frowned.
He shook his head. "You only think you were. You want answers Bella Swan."
I crossed my arms. "I truly don't. I just want a way out."
He gave me a small smile with a touch of pity in it. "How can you fix the unknown? It's like magically appearing at your destination without ever having taken a road to get there. You just can't do it."
I squinted my eyes at him. "Oh. So you're one of those people that do the cryptic yet wise metaphors are you? Well, I guess there always has to be one. " He didn't respond, but waited for me to take him seriously. I sighed, and started fixing books on the coffee table that hadn't been there a moment ago. "I'm scared," I confessed. "There are some things in this world that once you see, you can never forget. Things that once you know, you can never erase. There's a lot of stuff I'm not sure about, but I do know that." I fiddled with my fingers. My gloves were missing. "I already know I'm not going to like the answer. But fine." I closed my eyes, swallowing hard. "Tell me."
"I can't," he said softly. My eyes snapped open in disbelief.
"But you know!" I cried.
"Yes. But I won't tell you. Can't, in a lot of ways. It's not my place."
"And whose place is it?" I demanded.
He smiled again. "I think you already know."
I felt a brush of very familiar fabric softly caressing my neck. I sucked in a breath. Leather. I turned around and there was Edward, my glove on his hand, leaning down next to me.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He held up the gloved hand directly in between us, twisting it this way and that. His eyes stayed glued upon it, refusing to meet my eyes. "Avoiding," he finally admitted, and then vanished.
I awoke with the bitter taste of disappointment on my tongue, glaring up at my dark ceiling. Well, that was a new dream.
But it wasn't surprising. The new people I was meeting always seemed to crop up in my dreams that very same night. I glanced at my clock. One in the morning. Tuesday. But it'd only been a matter of hours since I was last at Alice's house, walking in the forest with Edward hand in hand.
I called that memory forward with a rush of pleasure. We didn't say much, just walked on for about another half hour, enjoying the contact. I know I was; I think it's safe to say he was too. On the way back he started moving his thumb, lightly brushing it against the side of my wrist. Encouraged, I start caressing the back of his hand with my own thumb, and that was when it struck me that this was the first time I was taking initiative with him. I was so blown away and overwhelmed with being touched that the possibility of touching had escaped me.
I would remember that lesson. Because I recalled that when those two things were brought together in tandem, it was almost enough for me to pass out again.
My hand tingled still where it had been held for over an hour. My ankles throbbed where they remembered pressure. I turned over in my bed, wrapping my arms around my pillow, wanting to hold on to something desperately. It wasn't good enough.
Sighing, I got up and walked to my suitcase, which still held a few things in it. I unzipped it and pull it slowly open, reaching inside to grab the furry, sizable teddy bear I'd bought many years ago. It was useful when I wanted to hold something.
His name was Marvin. He had cotton candy blue fur, big, black plastic eyes, and a pink yarn smile. He was very soft. I laid back down on my bed and pulled Marvin up to my neck, wrapping my arms around him tightly. His short bear arms found their place on either side of my neck. It was like being hugged.
I planted a soft kiss on the top of his head, the lower half of my face sinking a centimeter or two into his fake fur. I buried my face into his, trying to find a comfort in it. This usually worked. But now I had fresh memories of real skin against mine to cheapen it.
"I'm sorry Marvin," I murmured into his head. "It's not you, it's me. You're still one of the best friends I've ever had."
Marvin didn't say anything, and I'd like to believe he understood. His friendly black eyes and pink smile let me think so. I held him tighter regardless, my thumb stroking his paw and thinking of another, more substantial, hand.
~*~
My math class was particularly grueling in the morning. I scowled the whole way through it, and only calmed down a little by the time physics rolled around.
"Inertia," Mr. Davison announced, his normal enthusiasm present. "We all know what that is…right?" he asked, a little uncertainly.
"Newton's first law of motion," someone called out.
I smiled a little, thinking of Mike. I tilted my notes to the side, scribbling in the margins. I started to draw a hand, but erased it. It didn't look like a hand at all, but more like four bloated sausages.
"…object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by another force…"
I was so tired. My eyes were half-shut, trying my best to stay open. I wished I slept better. I hated my nightmares. Newton's first law rolled around my brain hazily as I copied down the definition, my hand heavy and laden.
I used to be an object in motion. And then I fell off that stupid cliff and some cold breezy force acted upon me, halting me in my tracks. F=ma; m=the mess of my life, a=0. F=fate is cruel. I vaguely recalled this as Newton's second law.
I was way too tired for this.
But then I thought of Angela and Mike; Alice and Jasper; Edward. Perhaps fate wasn't so cruel when you let it play out.
Absentmindedly, my hand began to scrawl words in the margin of my paper.
Mass is the mess of my life, + Mike too.
Acceleration is absolute zero, yet Alice is opposite.
F= fate,
And F= friends.
Maybe F = my redemption.
Physics is kinda cool and Newton rules.
I like it too, Mr. D
But this does not really rhyme.
Giving up, I set my pen down and put my cheeks in my hands, leaning my head over my physics book to pretend like I was reading that. In actuality, I closed my eyes and let myself rest until the end of class, where I blearily wrote down the homework assignment and joined the crowed heading to lunch, ignoring for once the distance I received.
Again, I was the first person at the lunch table. By this third week, there were some definite patterns already established. I drank a bit of my Coke, hoping that the caffeine would jitter me up some. I expected Mike or Angela to come to the table, but I was shocked to see Eric Yorkie headed my way instead. Following him was a brown-skinned boy I recognized as having sat here last Monday too, when I hadn't. They were talking with each other, laughing, until they looked up and saw me sitting here. They abruptly swerved right and found another table to sit at a distance away. Exhaustion making me irritable, I stuck my tongue out at them, but their backs were turned.
"Nice," Angela chuckled as she sat down across from me. "They probably deserved that."
"Do they sit here too?" I wondered.
"Only on Mondays," she said, looking at me apologetically. "But to be honest it's kind of a relief. I don't particularly like either of them, especially Tyler. They're Mike's friends." She mixed up the dressing on her salad. "It makes me miss having another girl around."
"Oh." I felt a tad guilty. "I'm not trying to abandon you guys - you could come sit with us if you wanted - "
"Oh no, I don't think you're abandoning us," she smiled. "Don't worry. But I'm thinking I might take you up on the offer."
I stared, shocked. Especially after hanging around Mike for so long, I hadn't expected her to actually say yes.
She shrugged. "I just feel like maybe I'm being too judgmental with Alice sometimes. And I was raised to not be that way. So I figure there can't be any harm in trying to get to know her again."
My answering smile was wide and happy; revived. "You won't regret it," I promised.
"Regret what?" Mike asked, plopping into his seat beside Angela.
"Oh…we were just discussing how we think we're going to let you have your male bonding time on Mondays girl-free," Angela explained.
Mike looked upset. "You're both leaving on Mondays now?" he asked, dejected.
"Er…" Angela and I shared a look. "Didn't think you'd be that hung up about it, to be honest…"
"No no, don't mind me," he said angrily, stabbing his food with more force than perhaps called for.
Unsure of what to say, we just ate in silence for a few minutes. After a while, Mike seemed to calm down. "So, do you guys want to do something this weekend?" he asked.
Angela looked thoughtful. "That sounds like fun. I think I need a break from all the academics."
Mike looked at me expectantly.
I shifted a little, neck and ears growing warm. "I…have plans for this weekend too already," I admitted sheepishly. "Sorry. But next weekend, I won't plan anything, I promise."
"You have something else to do this weekend?" he asked disbelievingly, as if having weekend plans was unheard of. "Why do you always have something to do?" he demanded.
"Christ Mike!" Angela exploded. "Wow, because people can't have lives on the weekend? Or if they do they have to include you? Why is this such a surprise? And besides, am I not good enough company for you? It doesn't sound fun if I'm the only one there?"
Mike looked stunned. "N-no, that's not it at all Ang! I just - "
"Don't call me Ang," she growled, and pushed back from the table forcefully, stomping away to throw out her food and leave.
Mike's face went through a range of emotions starting at guilt and finally deciding on anger. "Can you believe her?" he asked me. "What is her problem anyway. Everything I say she takes like a personal insult. I just don't understand her at all." He went back to stabbing his food. "Women," he muttered irritably under his breath.
I was starting to suspect a few things about them and their relationship, based on my observations these past couple of weeks. "Maybe I should go check on her," I suggested.
"Yeah, just leave me too," he said, looking at me sullenly.
I felt torn. "Mike, it's not like that," I tried to explain. "I guess I can stay - "
"No, go ahead," he said resignedly. "She's the one with the problem anyway."
I didn't know how to say what I really wanted to. Instead I told him, rather cryptically, "People don't always act the way they feel."
Walking away, I knew he hadn't understood, but it was the best I could do for now. I caught up to Angela on a sidewalk a ways from the cafeteria. I'd had to jog to find her.
"Hey," I panted, slowing to a walk beside her. "Are you okay?"
She didn't say anything, but suddenly swerved to sit on a bench against a brick building, crossing her arms. I sat down, giving her enough distance to make her feel comfortable.
"I don't know," she said miserably. "I just don't know anything anymore."
"Hey, come on now," I told her. "That's not true."
She didn't say anything, and I gave her the silence for a few minutes. But I wanted her to know that I knew, and she could talk to me about it. "So…" I began. "You and Mike, hm?"
She sighed, and let her head fall back, staring at the sky. I noticed that she really did have the prettiest skin. "It's complicated," she said finally.
"I think I can keep up," I said carefully, wanting her to know that I wouldn't press if she really didn't want to talk. But I doubted that.
She began tracing patterns on the arm of the bench. "I just don't see how it would work out," she admitted. "I know I like him, a lot, but…even if he did like me…I mean, whenever I try to picture us together, it usually ends badly. Like I don't know if he could be…serious enough. And I would want a real relationship."
I looked at the pearly grey sky and the softly swirling clouds. "I think you're underestimating him. And I think he could definitely like you as much as you like him. He's being a blind guy right now, and I don't think he's opened his eyes to certain things…but when he does, I think he'd be serious about it."
She bowed her head for a moment or two. "I think he's had sex," she suddenly blurted out.
I stayed silent, waiting for her to continue.
"I know that that's not so unusual…and it's kind of to be expected. And I know I shouldn't really care or judge based on that, because what people did in past relationships shouldn't be what I think about here, in the present, but…" She bit her lip. "I dunno. I guess I just always had this romantic's idea in my head that I'd be somebody's first…like that would make us stronger or closer or," she took a deep breath, "I don't know. Something stupid like that. It's silly really. I shouldn't even be thinking like that; it shouldn't really be a reservation."
"I don't think so," I told her quietly. "I think that sounds like what most people would want. I certainly do." My mind flashed to Edward. Had he ever had sex? At first I would have thought a resounding 'yes,' but he seemed almost as starved of contact as I was. Which was a ridiculous notion. "I guess I've just kind of given up on it a little."
She sighed. "I know I should too. It'll never end well for me if I don't."
I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to tell her not give up on it, but what if Mike had had sex before? "So you and Ben…" I asked instead, "Never…?"
"No." She shook her head. "I just couldn't do it, not with my father being a preacher. It just would've been too weird and uncomfortable to come home knowing that I'd did that, and have to look at him in the face everyday. I know I wouldn't have been able to keep it secret." She looked rather forlorn. "I've wondered sometimes…if maybe that's why Ben moved on…if maybe he was tired of waiting." I watched as she discreetly wiped a tear from her eye.
"Then he definitely wasn't worth it," I said firmly. "If a guy doesn't care enough to wait for however long it takes, then he didn't deserve to have sex with you anyway."
She gave me a watery smile. "Thanks Bella. For everything. I wish…" She looked unsure then, as if she didn't know how to say what she wanted to say. "Thanks," she said instead.
I smiled back before glancing at my watch. "I should probably go. Classes will be starting soon."
She nodded. "Ditto. See you later."
I waved good-bye and started heading towards my next lesson, cutting in between a narrow opening between two buildings. My heart jolted when I saw Edward, probably the last person I'd expect to see, pass by the entrance, his expression focused. He did a double-take when he saw me and his expression grew relieved. He walked forward to meet me.
"Hello," he greeted quietly, grinning.
I blushed. "Hi."
I watched as he rubbed the back of his head, messing his hair up even more. My hand twitched suddenly, wanting to be the fingers running through his locks, seeing if they felt as soft as they looked.
"I was wondering," he said slowly. "If maybe we could…hang…out…later?" He looked like he couldn't believe he was saying this.
"Oh." My face colored again. "Sure. If-if you want to. Where, like the library or…?"
"Well no," he said, looking highly uncomfortable. "I was thinking somewhere a little more personal. If that's…okay…with you, and I'll understand if not. I mean I'm not trying to suggest…anything…you don't want, it's just," he stammered, rambling. I found it strangely endearing, since it was a side of him I hadn't seen before.
"It's fine," I said, smiling softly. "Do you want come by my dorm later? I got boarded alone, so I don't have a room mate or anything…"
"I'm sorry," he said gently, and this surprised me, for most people would've told me this was lucky. I didn't feel that way of course, and it surprised me that he understood. But I guess it shouldn't have.
"It's fine," I said again. "I'm in number thirty-four on the second floor. I'll be there anytime after four. See you then?" I asked, a little uncertain about the idea that he would actually show up. That would be just too amazing.
"Yes," he agreed quietly, and picked up my gloved hand, squeezing it softly. I swallowed and squeezed back tighter. His thumb moved my sleeve up a few inches and he brought my hand up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to the top of my wrist. I closed my eyes, sighing softly. His lips were the most divine thing I'd ever felt in all my years, and even more so now.
And then people wonder why I'm distracted in the rest of my classes. Edward Masen was not good for my grades.
~*~
At five o'clock, there was a series of soft raps on my door. I threw down the book I'd been attempting to read - but had failed due to my incessant glancing at the clock for the last hour - and ran my hand quickly through my hair, straightening my clothes before forcing myself to calmly walk to the door and open it.
There he was. Looking handsome and almost as nervous as I was. I stared at him in awe, hardly daring to believe that this was real. My life had gotten so shaken up recently. It was what I wanted, in my mind - but I clearly hadn't been prepared for it.
"Can…I come in?" he asked, smiling crookedly at me. I swallowed against my suddenly parched throat.
"Oh yes, yes of course," I croaked, holding the door open wider and stepping back.
He stepped inside and I shut the door with an unnecessary amount of concentration, not quite ready to look at him yet.
"Erm, I don't really know what to do now," I confessed, turning back to him. "Any ideas?"
He smiled at me, making my heart skip a beat, before seating himself at my desk chair. "I was thinking we could just talk," he suggested. "Get to know each other better. I know I'd like to get to know you better." His green eyes were like a living, breathing forest. Trying to retain my composure, I moved to sit cross-legged on my bed, facing him.
"I'd like that," I whispered, returning his smile with a shy one of my own.
"I'm glad," he responded, looking quite serious about it. His eyes wandered down my body, down my arm. "…I know this sounds weird to say out loud, and feel free to say no, but I was wondering if…maybe I could hold your hand while we talked?"
I couldn't help myself. I felt my face light up in a goofy grin that was far more embarrassing than any question he could ask. "Like I'm going to say no," I scoffed, scooting closer to the edge of the bed so I was directly in front of where he sat. I'd purposefully left my gloves off. I mean, he'd said I didn't need to wear them around him, right?
Our hands met half-way and our fingers linked. I felt the familiar sensations of a beating heart, pounding blood, and the urge to hyperventilate as an unprecedented warmth filled me from his rather chill fingers. I felt at home again, I decided.
"So," he started, letting our hands drop between us, intertwined. "What's your favorite color?"
I looked at him, surprised. Then I grinned wryly at him. "Questions like that are always what I imagine you need to know when you want to buy someone a gift. Not know their personalities." It was true. I had watched before as the best of friends came up completely stumped for gifts.
"Ah yes, but," Edward lightly argued, "Isn't what people want as gifts a result of who they are? Their personalities?"
"Sure," I scowled, but not willing to keep arguing over it, and quite hesitant to answer the question. I fiddled with a string in my sheet, as was my habit. "Green," I whispered, resisting the urge to blush.
"You live in a good place for that then," he noted. "Everything here is green."
I looked up and met his eyes, bright and jewel-like. "Yes," I agreed quietly. "It is." Realizing I'd been staring a bit too intensely, I cleared my throat. "What about yours?"
"I used to think I didn't have one. But I've started acquiring a liking for chocolate brown."
"A sweet tooth?" I guessed.
His eyes narrowed at me, his grin turning wry. "You could say that," he said shrewdly. For some reason, I blushed.
"What's your favorite book?" he asked next.
I breathed out a shaky laugh. "Now there's a loaded question," I warned him. "I have way too many. I can't just pick one."
He did that crooked grin again that made my skin heat and my heart flutter. "Start anywhere. We've got time."
And time did seem to be on our side. We talked for hours, about many things, all of them trivial and nothing soul-searching, but informative and fun all the same. I actually learned some of my own preferences I didn't even know that I had until I had to talk about them.
And I learned that Edward was a Gemini, but he didn't believe in 'that horoscope fiction,' which was just vague descriptions designed for people to fit themselves into. He had an intense love of music, an escape of sorts, the same kind I found in my books. He knew how to play piano and used to want to be in a band. He also trained himself when he was younger not to be ticklish, but regretted it now. He didn't really get on with animals, even though he liked cats; and despised dogs, so that wasn't really a loss.
I found that we had that in common; about not getting on with animals. I felt weird when he mentioned cats, because they were the strangest for me to be around. Most animals ran away from me immediately but cats would usually keep their distance, but stay in the room, staring at me wide-eyed and unblinking, unmoving, except for their slowly swishing tails. I always felt under constant scrutiny around them.
I also found that we just had a lot in common in general; and a lot to disagree on too. That was nice. To not be completely alike or totally opposite. It was refreshing, like a glass of cool water on a hot day. And I found myself seeing him more as a person than the strange, mysterious man that had haunted my life and dreams as of yet.
Oh, he still held an air of unknown certainly. He had secrets that would sometimes darken his eyes and expression, and revert him back to that brooding figure that was the first part of him I'd seen.
But at the end of it all, I did feel more comfortable with him. More than I already did to start with. And that had me giddy the entire time.
At some point, we changed our positions. We laid on the twin bed horizontally, our legs hanging over the side, staring up at the ceiling as we talked. Though we laid side by side, the only parts that touched were our intertwined ankles and hands.
Around nine, we both realized how late it'd gotten, and how long we'd been talking.
"I guess I should go," he smiled ruefully.
"I guess," I agreed grudgingly. I walked him the couple steps to the door.
I took a deep breath in front of it, staring at the individual fibers of his shirt. "Er, I know this sounds weird to say out loud," I said, copying what he'd said before, "And feel free to say no, but I was wondering if…maybe…you could um…give me…" My eyes flashed to my bed, to Marvin, for support. "A hug?"
I crossed my fingers behind my back and hoped.
When I glanced up at his face, I was shocked at the tender expression. "Like I'm going to say no," he mimicked softly.
Our fingers unlaced and fell away from each other, only to have his hands settle gently on my waist, moving around to my back to pull me closer. My shaking hands wrapped around his torso as well, gripping his strong back tightly to try to quell my trembling. He pulled me in close, and I rested my head against his chest, taking slow, deep breaths. I'd been hugged like this - lightly - by my parents before. I could handle this.
And then he did something they hadn't done in a long time. His arms tightened, and then I was being crushed securely against him, breathing in his intoxicating scent - which had to be completely natural, as he said he didn't wear cologne. I gasped out loud, my own arms automatically gripping him closer.
I couldn't even wrap my mind around how this felt. Of how long I'd dreamed to feel this kind of pressure on me. Marvin had never been able to hug me this tight, and neither had my parents. Unbidden, tears sprung to my eyes, and I buried my face in Edward's chest to hide them. He felt so good. This felt so good. I'd been missing so much. My mind knew that when I stopped to think about it, but ever since Edward had entered my life and started letting me feel things again, I truly felt in my entire being, penetrating deep in my world-weary bones, how much I'd been missing.
Which made it even harder to let this end.
To my fortune, this wasn't a short embrace. We held each other for quite some time, his hands rubbing my back. He dropped his face to my hair, his breath washing over my scalp and making even more of me tingle hotly.
When we pulled back, I had to force myself to unlock my rigid fingers from his shirt. "Will you come back soon?" I whispered, frantically searching his face for a sign, for anything.
His eyes burned, the forest on fire. "Yes," he promised.
~*~
He didn't show up the next day though. I guess it was to be expected. Two days in a row? Way too good. I shouldn't have expected it. I still sat and fidgeted all through my classes and lunch, distracted enough to ignore the silent glares my two friends were sharing. I guess they hadn't made up yet.
When five o' clock came and went I gave up pacing my room, instead settling down to get some work done. I'd be surprised if any of it was done correctly. I couldn't concentrate on it.
That night I held Marvin tightly to me again. But it wasn't the same. If I thought it wasn't enough before, it was nothing compared to what I felt now. Tears streamed down my face, wetting and clotting his cotton candy blue fur, his short bear arms doing what they could to comfort me, but it just made me feel worse that it did nothing.
I kissed his soft, furry forehead again. "I don't know what's been going on Marvin," I confessed to him a teary whisper. "But it's sure been doing weird things to me. Thanks for putting up with it."
His pink smile was as reassuring as ever.
I was dejectedly finishing up an essay for English on Thursday afternoon when there came a familiar rap at my door. I tripped over myself dashing up to answer it.
And there he was again, in all his masculine, angelic glory, smiling sheepishly at me.
"I know this is probably too soon to come back," he said when he stepped inside. "But I just really wanted to see you - "
I interrupted him by sliding my arms around his waist, hugging him again. I swallowed back the tears I wanted to cry when he held me back, tighter. God, this felt like home. It felt like heaven. Surely no one could ever be as happy and content as I was in this moment, appreciating every second I received.
"And now I wish I'd come back even sooner," he laughed unsteadily, brushing my air with his fingers. I shivered in delight.
"Me too," I confessed.
When we broke apart we sat on my bed like last time, linking hands.
"Are we going to do twenty questions again?" I asked.
"Probably." He grinned briefly before regarding me seriously. "What's the worst nightmare you've ever had?"
So that's the kind of road of questioning we were going down.
There was no way to admit my worst nightmare without sounding nuts, so I didn't even try to word it carefully. "That I would try to touch someone, and they would burn away," I whispered.
I didn't feel as weird admitting this as I thought I would. Sometimes, it felt like he already knew that I hadn't been touched, period, in years. I recalled words of his from a while ago. "You've been alone too." It was that kind of thing that made me believe he understood.
He nodded contemplatively, like that was a completely normal dream. "Don't ask me mine," he said, beating me to the chase. "…I don't dream much."
"Well, what's your worst waking nightmare?" I questioned instead.
His eyes tightened. "Something I've already lived. I don't want to talk about it," he confirmed testily, staring brooding holes into my sheets, his eyes a million miles away from here, deep in the recess of memories.
"Okay," I comforted gently, rubbing his hand with my thumb. "I get that." I gave him a moment. "What else?"
"There's so many things…I don't understand," he muttered. He shook his head. "What's the one thing you wish you understood?"
I looked down then. This was another thing I shouldn't admit, but I wanted to. Because I felt like I could. "I wish I understood…why people won't touch me."
There was silence for a few beats. "You know that I'll touch you," he whispered, and I was reverted back to the dream I'd had last week.
I gasped when I felt his fingers underneath my chin, tilting it up. I knew my eyes were wide, and I felt very vulnerable when our eyes met. There was something simultaneously dark and helpless in his. "I want to touch you," he whispered, a great weight in it. "And I…know I shouldn't…"
My heart broke in pieces. So he did feel an aversion to me too. There was no other explanation for it.
"It's not you Bella," he said abruptly, reading it on my face. "It's truly not."
"There's a new one," I swallowed thickly.
"I'm serious. You have to believe that. This is…all me…" My heart stopped beating as he began to lead in towards me, our faces inches apart. "Though maybe…you too…" he breathed nonsensically, raggedly, as his lips approached mine. My breathing was much too fast, trying to breathe in as much of him as I could.
My eyes fluttered closed, needing to close off at least one sense, as his lips pressed lightly against the corner of my mouth, slowly pressing harder.
"Edward," I exhaled, my hands automatically clutching his shirt. His lips were beautifully soft and solid as they pressed into my skin. We stayed like that for many long moments, his mouth pressed against the corner of mine. I was in ecstasy.
And I knew it was wrong to be so greedy but…
I wanted more.
"Kiss me." I barely breathed the words, hardly able to hear them myself over the pounding of my heart. I kept my eyes screwed shut so I wouldn't have to see his face if he rejected me.
I heard him swallow noisily, and then the pressure was slowly being lifted off the corner of my mouth and moving, ghosting over my own lips. I sucked in a shaky breath, aching with need. I'd never needed this more.
I thought that I could die happily when his lips pressed against mine. And I'd never been more happy than I was now that I hadn't died all those years ago; because then I never would've gotten to feel this.
It was beyond words.
When we pulled away we didn't go very far.
I opened my heavy-lidded eyes to look into his own, inches from mine. "Have you ever wanted to do something impulsive?" I heard myself whispering to him.
He licked his lips involuntarily. "I'm not a very impulsive person usually," he whispered back. "I tend to over-think things. Though I've been doing that less and less as of late." His brow quirked.
"What did you have in mind?"
As many of us know, FF has been acting up lately, so boo to that. Fail, FF, fail.
Remember to come check out the thread for this story on the Twilighted boards, Alternate Universe. The ladies over there are quite sharp and tons of fun.
Thanks to all the awesome reviews! I read and smile at each one. Please review again =]
- The Romanticidal Edwardian
