"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."

Dumbledore, "The Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone"


No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love,

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love,
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world.

Blinding by Florence and the Machine


Entering the house again, I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could, toeing off my shoes. I didn't know if Alice and Jasper were sleeping or not, and I didn't want to disturb them. Edward looked like he didn't have to try to be quiet at all. There was no look of concentration on his face that was so apparent on mine. He took off his shoes noiselessly, just a pair of black sneakers. It was strange seeing such average shoes connected to him; and even stranger than that was seeing him walking around in socks. It made him seem…normal.

Not look normal though. He was much too handsome for any mundane description such as that.

"You're really graceful," I complimented in a whisper as he pulled me along behind him, still keeping his grip on my hand.

"Huh?" Edward looked over his shoulder at me in surprise. "Oh," he murmured, looking embarrassed. "Thanks. I never really thought about it."

"That's what I'm here for," I shrugged. "It's fun taking you by surprise."

"Oh, is that why you do it so much?" he asked dryly, slowing down as we ascended the stairs. I think he had caught on by now that my coordination could not take flying up and down stairs with no effort at all. I was hardly a girl from a Miyazaki film.

"I wasn't aware that I did it a lot."

"You have to be kidding me," he said, throwing me a disbelieving look. "Everything about you is strange." He muttered something then that I couldn't quite catch, but I thought I heard the words "not" and "expected."

"You really know how to butter a girl up, you know that?" I asked sarcastically, my cheeks flaming. It shouldn't have been so embarrassing for him to bring up the fact that he thought I was weird - I was pretty aware of that by now - but it was.

He pulled me up short when we reached the top of the steps, turning abruptly to face me. I would've stumbled back if he hadn't placed a firm hand on my waist. I glanced down at that and bit my lip, gazing up into his eyes. He was looking exasperated again.

"Strange isn't necessarily bad." Edward glanced down briefly before once more meeting my eyes. I was surprised at the almost pleading expression in his face. "Right?"

"Right," I agreed carefully, scanning his face.

He had so many secrets, so many guards. Even those times when we talked, when we laid in bed, when he spent the night, as open as he'd been… I still felt like I was only scratching a surface. That he couldn't be more open than that until he told me what exactly was up with him.

But Edward was showing no inclinations of doing that any time soon. I didn't know if I'd ever know the real him.

Was that his definition of "strange"? Keeping secrets, presumably forever? And was I okay with that?

I didn't feel like I had much of a choice. I couldn't know his secrets, but I would not give him up. At this point, I physically felt like I couldn't. Because I needed some physical in my life.

And the thing is, I'm used to being held at arms length. Farther than that, if people can help it. So you'd think I wouldn't be bothered so much. But, Edward had let me into the circle of his arms. He had opened a door for me. Just to shut another one, a new one, one I was not used to, right in my face. And I couldn't help but to end up incredibly frustrated by it, leaving me with a perpetually bristled feeling.

Is this my real curse? I wondered. To never really be close to anybody, no matter how much progress I seem to make?

Edward scowled at whatever emotion he saw in my face and turned away, dropping his hand from mine. I almost said something but bit it back. I had some dignity after all. Not much, but enough.

When Edward walked up to the ebony door, it seemed too perfect. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I always knew his room was behind it. Because really, where else would be more fitting? The dark door for the dark man.

He opened it and stepped aside, gesturing me in. I was surprised and yet not to see, instead of a room, a set of stairs leading upwards. So he lived in the attic.

I contemplated that as I walked to the staircase; which probably wasn't a good idea as I ended up not lifting my foot high enough, instead catching it on the lip of the first step. Caught off balance, I immediately fell forward onto the stairs, my knee banging painfully against the wood. One of my hands hit the dull edge and a throbbing pain began there as well.

"Ow!" I cried, before gritting my teeth against any other sounds of hurt. I was used to it.

"Can you be more careful?" Edward snapped, grabbing my waist and lifting me up gently. "You're so covered in bruises I don't know how you move without wincing."

"Oh bite me," I snapped back, frustrated due to the subtle pain of my injury and Edward's ever mercurial mood. I stomped up the steps, heading to another ebony door at the top.

"Gladly," he responded icily behind me, his own stomping adding to the clamor in the confined stairwell.

"Uh-huh. What do you care anyway? Sometimes it's like you do, and other times you're so distant I don't know why you even bother coming around!" I seethed, finally making it to the door and throwing it open. There was nothing particularly note-worthy about his room, except for the fact that it wasn't noteworthy at all. There was a bed, a desk, a chair. I stopped in the middle of the floor and crossed my arms with my back to him.

"What do I care? How can you even ask me that!" he fumed. "Of course I care about you. I can't help it! And trust me, I've tried. I've tried hating you. And I still end up thinking about you every god-damned second of my day."

I couldn't pay attention properly to what he was saying because I was so wrapped up in my personal aggravation against everything he'd put me through these past couple of weeks, which was suddenly crashing around in my mind.

"Yeah, that's why you hang out with me a couple of amazing times and then avoid me like the plague the next second! I don't understand you!"

"I don't understand you either," he said through gritted teeth.

"What is there not to understand!? I'm not the one sending mixed messages here! I obviously want to be with you, and I seem to be the only one on that page!"

"That isn't true at all and you know it!" he snarled. "I've actively sought you out - "

" - And then dropped off the face of the planet after - "

" - Look, I'm still trying to figure things out - "

" - If you don't want to be with me then stop coming around sometimes and then - "

" - Will you stop assuming? That's not it - "

" - Then why don't you let me in for once so I don't have to assume - "

" - I've let you in more than I've let anybody in five years! You have no idea - "

" - Mm-hmm, that's why Alice and Jasper seem to know everything about me and I barely get to see you - "

" - Will you stop! You are the most infuriating - "

" - You know what, I think you've made your feelings on me pretty clear!"

"Obviously I haven't," he growled. He huffed out through his nose, pinching the bridge of it with his thumb and index finger. He shook his head angrily. "It doesn't matter anyway," he muttered to himself.

We stood there opposing each other, glaring at different things but avoiding looking at each other. And to think I'd been excited to come up here.

"Why can't you just tell me what's going on with you?" I finally asked. "That's obviously the biggest problem here. And if you solved that, then everything else could fall into place."

He pinched the bridge of his nose tightly again, eyes clenched shut, before removing his hand and opening his eyes to look at me dead on. "I can't."

"Can't?" I challenged. "Or won't?"

"I won't. Okay? At this point, it would only make everything worse."

"What do you mean 'at this point'?"

He squinted at the wall behind me. "I've gotten closer to you than I ever expected to." He sighed. "I don't want you to live with the burden of knowing. And I don't want you to watch you run away," he mumbled to his feet.

"If you just tell me then I won't do any running," I hissed testily, sick of these games. "But I'm leaving if you don't," I threatened.

"I've been thinking…that maybe I should leave myself," he admitted, looking up at me.

My eyes widened in horror. My threat had been empty. I didn't want to be away from him no matter what.

"What? Why?" I demanded, but my voice came out more scared than I wanted it to.

"Because…this…we're not going to be able to work out for long," he sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Trust me on that. And I think I should leave now, before it gets farther than it already has."

"Edward, wh - ?" I couldn't even think, or speak. I slowly shook my head back and forth. He couldn't go away. Not yet. Not now. Now that I'd found him, found someone who would touch me, someone I felt so close to already…

"N - no! You can't. I mean, you go to school here! And - and, it's just not logical. You can't just leave because of me! I'm sure, whatever it is, it's not that huge a deal, I mean c'mon. And I don't want you to leave…" I whispered, my eyes pleading with him. "Please don't. Not now. It's impossible."

"No it's not," he said quietly, looking at me with pained eyes. I just wanted to take the pain away. All of it. His and mine. "It's not and you know it."

"Edward…" I stepped forward and grabbed onto his shirt. He gripped my wrists with hesitation in his face as if he was going to make me let go, but then his own slipped down to around my back, hugging me close to him. "Don't leave me." Pain gripped my heart at the thought, making it race for different reasons than it usually did. I buried my head against his chest, wishing I had the power to keep him there in my grasp.

How had this day gotten so topsy-turvy? How had my life gotten this inside out?

He nuzzled his cheek against mine, and there was conflict in his tone when he whispered in my ear. "I'm not…good, for you Bella. I'm not what you deserve."

"I don't believe that," I told him angrily, gripping him tighter.

We held each other in silence for a few moments. "Are you really going to go?" I breathed, my heart already breaking.

"I think so."

"Is there nothing I can do to change your mind?" I asked, pulling back to look at his face.

He smiled bleakly, green eyes tortured. He brushed his finger against the side of my cheek softly. "I'm sorry kitten. This is the only way."

I shook my head, but it was in defeat. The conviction was gone. I could hear the truth in his words. He was really going to leave.

I was never going to see him again.

My eyes watered immediately.

"Don't cry," Edward pleaded, brushing his thumbs under my eyes. I sniffed. "I'm not leaving right now. It'll be after you're gone, I promise."

"I really wish you wouldn't promise me that," I sobbed against his chest. "I really wish you would just stay. I don't understand…"

He didn't say anything, because he knew there was only thing he could say that would comfort me. And it obviously wasn't going to happen.

I realized eventually that I was wasting valuable time that I did have with him and wiped my tears away. For now.

"Can I stay here tonight then, at least?" I asked. "And you'll be here when I wake up?"

"Yes," he nodded, to both things. "If that's what you want."

"I want to stay with you," I whispered to his shirt, fiddling with the collar.

Edward buried his face in my hair. I peeked over his shoulder and saw a small, twin-sized bed, much like my own in my dorm, in the corner under the window. "Can we lay down?" I directed, and he responded by taking my hand and leading me over to it.

I crawled in first, pressing against the wall, and held my arms out to Edward, who acquiesced, settling down lightly next to me, situating his arm underneath my head.

For a long while we just held each other, because I couldn't think of anything to say, and this was probably the last contact I was going to get for a long time, if not the rest of my life. I memorized every detail, every aspect; how his skin felt, how I felt, and filed it all away for later, when I was alone in my room, back to holding onto Marvin for comfort.

When Mike and Angela finally got together.

When I'd see Alice and Jasper looking into each other's eyes.

When I'd come here and glance up at the attic and wonder if Edward even ever existed.

I couldn't believe he was going to be gone. It was inconceivable, right now, right here, when he was holding me like this, brushing his lips against the side of my face and hair.

I wanted to hear his voice too, and embed that to memory along with everything else.

"So, why do you call me that?" I asked, as casually as I could make my voice sound.

"Call you what?" he said, surprised, his fingers trailing over my arm.

"Kitten. Why do you call me that?"

"Oh." He laughed a little bit with no real humor. "Because that's what you always remind me of, ever since…the first time we met and you yelled at me. It's like you were trying to be this ferocious tiger but, you're too sweet for that." He sighed. "And the way you long to be touched and held, like a small kitten. ...It's just what you remind me of."

"Edward, don't go."

"I have to."

I wanted to tell him you don't have to do anything, but knew it was a lost cause anyway.

"What if I stayed away from you?" The thought pained my heart, but at least he would be here, which was better than the alternative.

"It wouldn't help," he said, smiling grimly. "I wouldn't stay away from you."

"I still don't understand why this is necessary," I whispered, tightening my grip on his hand.

He sighed softly into my hair. "It's better that way," he murmured. "You'll forget me soon enough. Don't worry about it."

"I'm never going to forget you."

"Okay," he agreed, but I knew he didn't believe me.

I went to argue but ended up yawning instead. "Go to sleep," he urged, brushing a strand of my hair from my face. "I'll still be here in the morning, I promise."

I was tired, but I didn't want to sleep. "I'm just going to close my eyes," I warned him. "I'm not going to fall asleep."

"Whatever you like."

I meant it when I said it. I was just going to close my eyes. How could I risk losing a single minute? But the next time I opened them, somehow there was soft gray light falling through the window.

Morning.

I groaned in defeat. My head fell on a muscled chest.

I snapped back up into attention, eyes wide as I saw Edward there, smiling softly at me, his hand making circles on my lower back. "You stayed," I breathed in awed amazement. A part of me hadn't believed he really would.

He nodded. "I did. Did you think I'd leave anyway?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "I always felt like you were going to disappear." I sighed. "And I guess I was right."

He rubbed my cheek and I closed my eyes, sinking into the touch while I could. I held onto his wrist for stability.

"Alice is making breakfast," he eventually said. "I'm sure she'll be wanting you to come down at some point."

"Oh, right," I said, my eyes widening. I'd forgotten that I was spending the night with her too.

I tugged at his hand and made him follow me down the steps to the second floor, and then on to the kitchen. I wasn't going to let him out of my sight easily. Not when I knew that when I left, that might be the end of it.

I winced at the very thought.

"Good morning," Alice said brightly, beaming as she set down a bowl of milk on the table, in what I assumed would be my seat. She arranged a couple of boxes of different brand cereals in front of it. She gestured grandly to the set-up with a wave of her hand. "That's about as much as I cook," she confirmed with a grin.

I smiled at her. "Thanks Alice. It's great." I sat down and was surprised when Edward followed suit without any preemptory urging from me.

Alice got her own bowl of milk out and sat across from me, choosing the Lucky Charms.

I think I needed a little more luck in my life. So I followed suit with the little grain bites and dehydrated marshmallows.

"And you're not eating," I said to Edward. It wasn't really a question at this point. He nodded. I went to file that away, but stopped when I remembered that it didn't matter. I'd never really know his secret. Not anymore.

"So did you sleep well?" Alice asked. It seemed like a customary question, but her eyes looked to be a little too knowing. It didn't matter. Nothing happened. It would make everything more painful later if it did.

"I suppose so. Your rooms are comfortable," I complimented. Of course, every bed would be comfortable if Edward was in it.

I had to stop thinking like that though.

"Glad you enjoyed it," she beamed, and went back to enjoying her cereal in comfortable silence. It struck me that she must not know Edward was leaving either. I wondered how she would feel about it.

"Where's Jasper?" I asked to distract myself.

For some reason, to my surprise, she blushed. "He's, um, making the bed," she said, and shoveled a spoonful of Lucky Charms into her mouth, proceeding to let that subject drop as well.

I realized that this was obviously something sexually related, and let it go too, on the outside. I glanced over at Edward and saw him watching me back. Our gazes held. I questioned my judgment on whether I should have tried to make something happen last night. After all, he might be the only person I ever meet who'd have relations with me, and, more than that, I wanted to have that with as well.

But at the same time, I couldn't let it happen like that. It would hurt so much later, and on top of everything else…

Maybe I should just resign myself to this being my life; and maybe I'd be happier that way.

I resolved myself grimly.

Edward and I kept our eyes on each other throughout breakfast, and I contemplated asking him questions on where he would go and what he would do, but I wasn't sure I should know and I wasn't sure I should bring it up in front of Alice. He could tell her on her own time; I know I'd want to, if the situation were reversed.

"So what would you like to do Bella?" Alice asked when we were done and Edward had cleared our places. I watched his back as he washed the dishes, the beauty of muscles subtly moving under his shirt as he moved.

He's leaving, he's leaving, he's leaving, let him go…

But I couldn't. Not yet. That could, would, come later.

"You're actually giving me an option?" I asked her with as much incredulity as I could muster, turning my head away from the man at the sink. "You don't have something planned?"

"This is planned. There's a small time table allotted in the schedule that says 'Bella's choice.'"

The day was tense, and passed too quickly. I was split. There was the Bella having a normal sleep over with Alice, and Jasper when he wandered out to keep Alice company as well, and then there was the Bella frantically and silently soaking up the other silent figure that stayed close by - either for himself, or me, or both. I wasn't sure.

But the flew minutes flew by with terrific speed. It was morning, then the dim light outside was darker, and then Alice and I were eating take-out and it was like pitch on the other side of the window.

My heart thrummed unevenly with fear and blood rushed to the top of my skin in prickly discomfort.

My breathing constricted in my chest when the clock blinked ten. It was like some twisted, evil, perverted version of Cinderella. I was falling to pieces.

Alice and Jasper were very perceptive to my mood. They exchanged looks and Jasper spoke. "You can spend the night again if you'd like Bella. We wouldn't mind."

"Actually," Edward interrupted quietly from the other side of the room. As the hours had progressed, he had started distancing himself from me, which I understood. "I need to talk with you both tonight. It might be best if she goes home."

Alice raised an eyebrow at him. She turned her head back to me. "You can stay if you want Bella."

I sighed internally. "I should probably go," I said, struggling to keep my tone even. "Homework," I lied.

The lovers shared another look. "Okay," Alice agreed doubtfully.

I gathered up my things in my bag with weight in my limbs. When I reentered the living room, Edward was gone. I swallowed.

To my surprise, both Jasper and Alice hugged me good-bye at the door. There was no skin contact, but they were good, tight hugs. I squeezed my eyes shut against Alice's shoulder. At that point, a thought crossed my mind that I hadn't considered before. I'm going to be okay. I have good friends now.

I am not alone anymore.

"See you at school," Alice whispered.

I wiped my eyes when I shut the door behind me.

I startled when I saw Edward standing there on the porch, waiting for me. Silently, he followed me to my truck.

I turned to face him.

We stared at each other for a good while. "I don't know what to say," I told him softly.

He shook his head slowly. "Neither do I," he said. "Except…be safe. Please."

I didn't want to say good-bye. I wanted something else.

"Could you kiss me?" I asked boldly. "One last time?"

Edward's eyes intensified, and he straightened. "I was hoping I could," he admitted, "Though it's wrong of me."

I shook my head. "It's not wrong. It'll never be wrong. I wish you believed that."

He opened his mouth abruptly, but then closed it, shaking his head. "I wish I could too," he murmured before his lips descended on mine one last time. It was slow and deep and made me clutch onto his shoulders for support, only to find that he was trembling as well. I held his face in my hands and made it count.

When the kiss ended there was nothing left to do or say. With one last stroke of my face, he was walking off, and disappearing into the darkness. I was getting in my truck and driving slowly back to the cold city lights.

~*~

Sunday came and went in a strange blue. The hours smeared together and the haziness of disbelief that I wouldn't see Edward again faded into what looked like real moments when the thought that he was gone was completely absurd and I felt sure I'd made the whole thing up. I dazed in and out of life and focus.

The day passed by staring at the shadows as they moved across the room, tossing and turning on my bed, the smell of sweat from me on my sheets.

That night my dreams were restless and fretful. I kicked at the sheets, and clawed at my clothing, sure that I felt a hand on me, stroking my head. There was a whisper, and I struggled to hear it. With a gasp, I opened my eyes, sitting up bolt right. I glanced around my room quickly and my eyes landed on my open window, a soft breeze fluttering the curtains.

I hadn't opened my window today.

I rushed to it and leaned out, scanning the area desperately. The grounds were silent, only a couple figures moving on the sidewalks between dorms. "Edward?" I whispered. There was no answer and the wind faded. I waited a few more seconds before conceding defeat and returning to my half-slumber.

Monday was a whirlwind of faltering reality. First class was normal, the professor recounting his lecture as always.

"Witchcraft and demonic posession," he announced, "Were, as you should all know from the reading, very big spectacles and fear in this time. Insanity was condemned as degeneration from God, and usually labeled as the result of some black magick. Ghosts were heavily believed in, midnight being called 'the witching hour.' They were supposed to be malignant beings, but there are a couple accounts documented of more benevolent ones, believed to have come back to help their beloved ones. 'It is thy love and now late wife!' wrote a priest from Romania. 'Upon a deadly nightly trek, a wild beast bore upon me, its glinting demonic eyes reflecting my gruesome fate. I am to go to the Lord now, were my thoughts. Fear caught hold of my limbs. I was to die. Suddenly, out of the lonely darkness, the beauty and purity of my dear heart materialized. How strange, I thought. I had left her at home, well and alive, but she now was different. I could feel it. She shimmered almost, in wraith-like fashion. The mighty beast cast one evil eye in her direction and fled.'"

The bell rang. Chemistry was dazing as I sat in the back again; but this time alone.

By lunch I was determined to see Alice again, because in this strange state she was like a connection to him that I needed to see and feel. I saw her walking on the sidewalk, heading back to her car, and I rushed over.

"Alice!" I cried, stopping in front of her. "There you are!"

The look on her face made my stomach sink.

"I'm sorry Bella," she said, agonized. "We think he may have had a point. At this point, I don't know if it's going to work."

And just like that she passed me on the sidewalk as I stood there, stunned. "What the hell is going on?" I asked myself as I squeezed my eyes shut.

The week went by slowly. I went to class, I took notes. I went to lunch, I stared out the window, not eating, my mind rushing about in circles. Angela and Mike tried to engage me sometimes, but for now they were mostly focused on working out there own problems. Mike seemed to have forgotten about making plans for this weekend, of which I was grateful because I had a different plan and I dreaded turning him down again; they were my last foothold and I could not lose them.

But I really wanted my family. I resolved to go see my dad again. Get out of this place. Go back to the dark magic of that one; return to the dream and hope it made this seem more real.

By Thursday I was sometimes able to cast the whole mystery of Edward and Alice from my mind, and even smile. But it was always there, in the murky corners of my thoughts. It was taking up permanent residence, I could feel it. One of those things you seem to have gotten over quickly because it will never go away and you know it. I felt ten years older.

On Friday, as I walked into Psych early, I had almost forgotten that I'd missed it the week prior. To spend more time with Edward. I took in a deep breath at the thought, and shook my head to rid myself of it.

I was going to have to go ask the professor to apologize and get a quick debriefing, and this wasn't the time to be distracted. Especially since Professor Hale-McCarty (or just Professor Hale) was not known for her compassionate and merciful nature. She knew humans too well for that.

I stepped up to her desk. "Excuse me Professor," I said respectfully, not quite meeting her violet eyes as she glanced up from her papers at her desk. She was a very beautiful blonde woman, intimidating so, and we had all learned the first week - especially the males - that she wasn't one to be taken lightly. She was like Lucy Lu in Charlie's Angels, except ten times worse. Or better. She was the one teacher that, whatever strange vibes she got from me, decided to studiously ignore it. "I got the notes from when I missed class last week, but I was wondering if there was anything else you would like me to do?"

"There is actually," she said in clipped tones, setting her pen down and folding her hands neatly together on top of the papers she'd been grading. Her stern eyes locked upon me. "I would like you to explain to me, Miss Swan, what is was that you were doing that was so important as to keep you from coming to class?"

I took a deep breath, feeling my face vaguely flush. "I was dealing with…personal affairs."

"I see. Miss Swan, I want to make it very clear to you right now that I do not take my class lightly, and I don't accept laziness or excuses. This is a serious class for serious students, and I expect the people that wish to continue studying it to dedicate themselves to it. Miss another class if you need to, one that's more frivolous perhaps. Now, you have shown some exemplary work so far, which makes me think you're generally not lazy or an excuse-maker, or ingenuous. Is that an accurate assumption?" She peered at me over her half-rimmed reading glasses.

"Yes ma'am," I agreed.

"Good. Then take your seat, and don't miss my class again for anything less than hospitalization, or I will remove you from this course, is that clear?"

"Perfectly," I mumbled.

"Then thank you Miss Swan. Welcome back and I hope your personal affairs are in order," she said dismissively, returning to reading the papers before her.

I wish, I thought as I returned to my seat where Angela would sit beside me when she came, lost in her dilemma over Mike.

Everything felt like a dream. I needed to wake up.

~*~

When Psych ended I had meant to go back to my dorm, and try to catch up on the sleep that had eluded me every few minutes throughout this week. But my feet carried me to another path. As I jiggled the keys to my truck in my hands, practical thoughts ran through my head. I don't have an overnight bag. I don't have my toothbrush. I've only got twenty bucks and my license in my pocket.

I opened my truck and began to drive anyway.

The highway leading to Forks is a long drive, and it winds through trees and wilderness, and is curvy enough to keep you focused on it. The yellow lines slithered by me on my left, the trees shook and whispered on my right. My truck whined and sighed but I had no fear that it would break down. Despite his feelings about me, Jake had fixed it well.

I pulled over a couple times, asking myself, reminding myself, what I was doing.

I'm going to see my father, I chanted. I'm going to see Charlie. I really want to see my Daddy.

It was a good story.

But when I got to Forks, nearing the late afternoon, I didn't even drive past Charlie's house. My body took me somewhere else. Somewhere I'd been needing to head toward for five years, though I tried to deny it.

The sky was grey and swirling, a light rain hitting my windshield. No wonder I was compelled to come here. It was so similar to that day that how could my sense of déjà vu be any stronger?

I passed the faded red shack with only a glance and thundered my way along to the beach, up the road to the top of the cliff side. I stopped my truck and sat there for a moment.

Then I got out and began to walk into the shallow stretch of forest.

I remembered the way better than I thought, though it shouldn't be surprising as it'd been occurring in my dreams ever since…

When I pushed through the thick shrubs to the short expanse of hard grey rock, overlooking the choppy, industrial-colored choppy waves, it was no surprise how right this felt.

I had come back to Washington hoping that, being back here, in this place, in this dark magic, answers and solutions would just appear before me.

I think I realized all along that the only way I would ever really know…that anything would every really be solved…would be to go back to the beginning. The real beginning.

My body was dotted with drops from the light rain. The waves crashed in the sound and smell of the sea. A wind in the clouds moved them, gave them life.

Looking around at it all, I knew I'd been right.

I had to do this.

Even if the results were even worse than last time.

I closed my eyes for courage. "There'll never be anything more for me in the future," I whispered to myself, "If I don't fix the past."

Without opening my eyes, I jumped.

The fall was just as exhilarating and frightening as last time. The water just as cold and biting.

And the current? My old deadly friend?

Was just as strong as ever.

I'm so stupid, I thought with a smile as the water tossed me around like a doll come back for more play.

But I had more air this time. I began to flail my arms and legs, began to try to swim. I opened my eyes. Everything was dark. I had no idea which way was out. I chose a direction and began to swim, hoping it was with the tide, toward the surface.

My body was going back to that numb-cold. My lungs were burning, and now my eyes from the salt water. I closed them as my limbs went weak.

I'm really going to die this time, I thought. Maybe this is how it was always suppose to be. Maybe this is why I had to do this.

I thought of Jake's words from before. Try to get the job done right this time, won't you?

Maybe his cruel statement had some validity.

I let myself go to the water, get dragged into its abyss. Alice, I thought. Charlie. Jasper, Angela, Mike. Mom. Edward…

My brain was foggy. I was about to pass out and drown.

Again.

And again…I felt a cold. It didn't start as a breeze this time. I felt ice latch around my hand, and a tug. It hurt my hand and I wanted to open my eyes and see what it was, this mysterious cold that saved me last time, see if it was the same thing…

At the moment my head broke the surface to the biting wind, and I breathed in and coughed out water. A hand hit my back. It wasn't ice. It was a cold hand. An arm was locked around my waist, suspending me above the water. A familiar arm…He was behind me and I couldn't see him.

I continued to cough out the burning sea water until I felt a solid surface underneath me. Sand.

Above me, a face appeared, blocking the sky and the rain.

"Damn it Bella!" Edward choked out, between rage and sorrow and fear. "How many times are you going to do this??"


Well that was quite a ride. Ready for an epic author's note? I didn't actually know when I began writing this chapter that this was going to be the chapter, the first one I thought of, which is why it was giving me some trouble for so long. But you know how characters are. They eventually said it was meant to be, and I threw up my hands and typed. So it goes.

Anyway, I have a play list for this story on the bottom of my profile, and I'm adding to it as I go along. Sometimes it's just the song for the chapter, and sometimes I add other songs that helped inspire it and would be cool if you listened along with.

Also, check out my Twitter, because I'm constantly talking about this story, my progress on the current chapter, and the occasional teaser. Another good place to find teasers is over on the Twilighted forum for this story. Go chat =]

Check out my one-shot, I'll Kill You Tomorrow My Queen, because it was being caught up on writing and perfecting that story to my vision that delayed this chapter, for the most part.

Next chapter is the big explanation one =] And OME New Moon was amazing!

- The Romanticidal Edwardian