Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Only when the goal is unattainable
Do I start to feel like I'm losing myself
And this deep secret
That hasn't come out yet
Is buried down deep with the rest

Unattainable- Little Joy

Chapter Five (Alex)

It starts the Monday after Justin leaves. She feels sick, her stomach churning. She has a fever, she's tired but she can't sleep. Her legs cramp up and she sweats constantly. Which is disgusting, so she goes to the doctor and he tells her it's the flu. She doesn't believe him. But she does what she's told and goes home and rests on the couch, drinking plenty of fluids and watching re-runs of Degrassi.

And then the images come. At first they're only when she's sleeping, just glimpses of things. A hand, a painting, a rainforest. It only takes her a few days to realize that they're memories. And then they start happening while she's awake. They're still brief, but she knows that they mean something.

She does what she does best, she calls Justin. She needs his help, wants it even. But he doesn't answer. At first she assumes that he's in class, that he's busy, after all, it hasn't been easy getting a hold of since he started Cornell.

But then she realizes that he's ignoring her and she can't figure out why. Which frustrates and hurts her (mostly hurts). So she leaves one last voicemail, choking on sobs. He'll understand, won't he? Do that big brother thing that he does so well. Hear the pain in her voice and know that something's wrong?

Apparently he doesn't.

So she does what she does second best, she runs away from her problem.

*****

"I'm running away," she says defiantly at dinner. She pushes her plate away and crosses her arms, scowling at her parents.

Theresa rolls her eyes discreetly, but plays along with her daughter, "Why is that, Alex?"

Alex huffs, blowing a tendril of hair away from her face, "Because. I don't like carrots. And you shouldn't make me eat them. They're dumb."

Justin frowns at her from across the table, "Don't run away, Alex."

She glares at him and swings her legs back and forth in her chair, wishing she were a little taller and her feet could reach the floor, but she's only six and still short. "Why not?"

Justin sighs and pokes at his food with his fork; he doesn't look at her but answers her quietly, "Because I'd miss you."

She smiles a little at this. Justin's eight now, he doesn't play with her like he used to and it's nice to know that he still likes her, "Would you come after me?"

He sighs again, more impatient than sad this time, "Of course I would. Now eat your carrots."

*****

She watches him, studies his mouth that still's agape, his grey eyes still wide with shock and she almost smiles.

He stops staring at the sink and the hint of blue that still lingers on the white porcelain and looks up at her, "Why would you do that?"

She narrows her eyes, "Why did you do it?"

He clenches his eyes shut and runs his hands through his hair in frustration, tugging on it slightly, "I was trying to protect you!" He says through gritted teeth.

"I don't want you to! I've grown up, Justin! You can't keep making decisions for me! I'm not six anymore!"

He sniffles and she looks up in time to see him wipe his eyes, "I shouldn't have done it."

"Damn right," she says, she pushes past him and goes to the window and stares at the sun that's still rising. She can just make out the beach now and takes a little bit of comfort in the familiar sight.

"I meant, I should have never done those things to you. I don't regret using magic on you."

She groans and lowers her head, closing her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose, "Did I ever say no?"

He's quiet for a moment and she turns to him, finds him standing in the middle of the room, studiously avoiding her, "No, you didn't."

"So, you had my consent?"

He sighs, "That still doesn't make it right."

"And just because it isn't 'right' doesn't mean that you can memories away from me!"

"I didn't take them from you! Dammit, Alex. Could you shut up for once in your life and listen? Look, so, I may have taken a few. But it was temporary. I was so shaken up from everything that we had done that I didn't do the magic right. I had to find a way to suppress them. So I found the potion. I made it. And I gave it to you to keep the memories hidden. You still have them. You just can't remember them right now."

His face is red from yelling after his rant. And he's breathing heavily, but what really gets to her are the tears in his eyes. She walks to him, placing her right hand on his chest. He stiffens for a minute before catching his breath and she feels his heartbeat slow down and then pick up again when she wraps her arms around him.

He returns the embrace hesitantly, carefully resting his chin on top of her dark tresses. Her voice is soft when she asks, "When will they come back?"

He sighs heavily, "Soon. A week or two. But it's going to hurt. It's going to be like detoxing from drugs. But it'll last longer. I imagine you've already started to feel sick, right?"

She nods and she can feel his pain seeping from him as he tightens his arms around her, "I'm so sorry, Alex."

She turns her head away from his chest, listens to his heartbeat, lets the sound and the familiarity of it soothe her. "I know you are. Just, don't do it again, okay?"

He doesn't respond, just starts running his hand down her back, creating miscellaneous patterns on her t-shirt, makes her skin break out in gooseflesh. She bites back a moan. He probably doesn't even realize what he's doing. If he did he'd probably stop right away.

"Justin?"She tries again.

"Hmm?" The vibration in his chest tickles her and she grins slightly.

"You know I want you too, right?"

He doesn't answer, "Let's go to bed, okay? Crash for a few hours. I'm exhausted and I still have to drive you back to New York." He pulls away from her quickly and curls up in a ball on the very edge of the bed.

She doesn't like his tone. Or his demeanor.

He's planning something.