In light of recent articles around the net debating the Sarah topic, my own opinion is that Sarah Walker is damaged, human, flawed; makes mistakes like the rest of us- that's what makes her beautiful and so relatable to the audience. Season Three was frustrating, but isn't that life?
The mistakes came from both sides, so hopefully they can meet in the middle in this fic and reach some sort of reconciliation.
Rock on, Chuck and Sarah, rock on.
"Sorry"- Buckcherry
076. Watching over you
x
Oh I had a lot to say, was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back.
x
It was unnaturally quiet in Castle, and that was odd, because Castle was a big hollow space made of concrete filled with whirring machinery and electronic equipment.
Unnerved, Chuck pulled the documents further towards him, playing with the creased edge of the topmost one marked "Top Secret" in glaring red. He shifted uneasily in his chair, the leather sank with a small puff, and the wheels squeaked under the shift of his weight. Casey shot him a nasty look.
Apparently he was the only one feeling fidgety. He snuck a glance at the others; Shaw was deeply engrossed in writing something that looked like a three page essay, the majority of paperwork sitting next to him in a neat, "done" pile. Casey sat opposite Shaw at the other end of the metal table, busy scribbling and crossing out, hunched over a haphazard stack of bureaucratic forms and reports.
He couldn't see Sarah's face; half of it was leaning into her palm, and the other in shadow.
Noting the rumpled shoulders of her jacket and the way her hair was falling limply from its bun; Chuck tried to unobtrusively nudge her foot underneath the table. Amused, he watched the way her head shot up and she re-tightened her grip around her pen, casually pretending that for the last ten minutes she'd been diligently filling out personal reports for Beckman.
Sarah looked at him with a small smile, but he wasn't fooled; the red-rims of her eyes and the paleness of her skin betrayed her weariness.
Shaw had sent her out on two consecutive nights, staking out a building in downtown Los Angeles that a suspected Russian agent was staying while in the country (illegally), while keeping up the front of her cover job during the daytime.
She blinked hard to clear her vision but still looked like she was one eye-close away from falling asleep on Vladimir's the Russian's face.
At her slight movement away from the table, Chuck focused back intently on the same sentence he'd been staring at for the last half-hour. Sarah stood up wordlessly and headed for the back of Castle.
He could almost feel the moment Shaw looked up to watch her leave.
Checking his watch, Chuck plastered a smile to his face and stood. "Well gentlemen, I'm going to skedaddle now… bye!"
He did an about turn, but Casey's accusing growl stopped him in his tracks.
"Wait a minute. What about the stuff Beckman sent you?"
Chuck shrugged, sliding his arms into his jacket. "See the date at the top, Casey? Beckman's not expecting these back until Thursday. Some of us have lives you know. It's getting late… and Hannah's waiting for me."
Without waiting for a reply, he walked away.
"Hey moron," Casey almost snarled. "Door's that way."
Frowning at Casey rebelliously, Chuck walked deeper into the corridor that led into Castle instead of starting for the staircase. Casey appeared to have been just as affected by the strain between the team as Chuck was this week and was in a perpetual bad mood. Shaw seemed impervious (as he was probably the main reason for it); and if Sarah could feel it, she was much too professional to admit anything. If he didn't know better, Chuck would think Casey resented the fact Chuck and Sarah weren't on good terms and never failed to glare darkly when Shaw entered the room, bringing with him a tempestuous storm cloud that hovered over all of them.
Casey's mood soured his disposition."I'm going to grab my stuff," Chuck said shortly, avoiding eye-contact.
He walked resolutely further into the gloom. But a minute later, his prior confidence fled and he could feel sweat on his palms. Checking the noise his shoes made, Chuck stole around another corner with trepidation. His pulse was racing the further he retreated into the fortress.
Wiping his palms against his pants, he stopped short. The door was closed, and no light peeked through the doorframe. He let out a breath in disappointment.
"Looking for me?"
Chuck whipped around.
"Sarah!"
She was leaning in the shadows against a square pillar, watching him calmly. He must have tiptoed straight past her. Blushing, he looked down to zip up his jacket, wasting time so he could compose himself.
Her arms were crossed across her blazer. He noticed her bare feet against the stark grey floor, her heels nowhere to be seen. Sarah's face was a little pink, and her hair was curling a bit around her forehead as if they'd gotten damp while she splashed water over her face. The rest of her hair was unpinned, tumbling around her shoulders.
His heart lurched at how gorgeous she looked in the dim light in spite of her obvious tiredness, or the way she didn't seem as well put together as normal. The small smile she wore at the table was present- but too rigid for it to be natural.
"Hey stranger," Sarah greeted.
Chuck couldn't bring himself to bridge the hallway and maintained the separation by leaning on the opposite wall. "Hi…"
Her defensive posture made him uncomfortable and he mimicked her position by crossing his arms. He ventured, "How are you?"
"Good, good."
As he did every time it was just the two of them alone without distractions, he found that he couldn't dwell on anything else but everything that had happened in the past. The dull ache in his chest flared up again, almost searing his insides with equal measures of guilt, shame, longing.
There was nothing to say. Chuck met her gaze evenly. Tension didn't rise in the space between them; and it was simply that, a hollow, empty chasm.
She seemed content to let him stand in silence. His resolve crumbled first, as he knew she expected.
"Ellie misses you."
He intentionally let the "I" hang in the air like an anchor.
The first blood was drawn. Chuck saw her swallow jerkily. For the first time since finding her down here, her guard slipped briefly. The flash of hurt in her eyes couldn't be disguised and he almost stepped back in its intensity before she snatched it back behind the wall named Shaw. She knew he had seen it, and her chin tilted up slightly, as if in a challenge- but the traces of bitterness and desperation left behind couldn't be erased. Those he could identify easily. He felt relieved he could still read her.
It was like a tug-of-war.
He knew exactly what the indestructible wall separating them was made of (he can see that she does too); but he doesn't apologise for Hannah, and she doesn't offer any explanation for Shaw. They're at an impasse. All of a sudden, he felt very stubborn; he refused to admit that Hannah was nothing but a good choice.
Thinking of the diminutive brunette made him reach half-way up for his Buy More tie before he stays his hand half-way. Chuck is sure Sarah's eyes flick to his neck briefly, where the tie is clearly not of the Sarah-variety or the skewed Chuck-special but something altogether different and at that moment, Chuck feels it constricting around his windpipe.
Sarah mustered her defence, "And I miss her."
There is no room in "I miss her" for a possible replacement of "you". Sarah made sure of that.
"She'd say that you should take care of yourself more," Chuck offered. He concentrates on trying not to shrink underneath her intense blue stare, almost navy in dark amusement.
The distance between them, more than just physically, is emphasised a hundred-fold by the latent hostility in the undertone of her voice. Chuck hoped it was just overcompensation of some sort of defence mechanism. But he wasn't about call her out with the weak hand he has this round.
"And what else does Ellie want to say to me?"
The smile that twisted her lips wasn't pretty.
A feeling of irritation swelled in Chuck's gut. He acknowledged that leaving her in Prague had been the worst decision of his life, but the slew of questionable decisions in the aftermath hadn't all come from him. He didn't expect her to forgive him straight away but she sure wasn't making it easy. Ruefully, he supposed that was why she was worth all of his effort and pain.
He brushed away the temptation to use Ellie again as a funnel for his emotions. Stepping forward into the middle of the hallway where he could not lean on anything but his own spine and with nowhere to hide, he mustered all his sincerity: "I still care about you."
And with that, Sarah seemed to deflate instantly before him.
"I can't pretend I don't, Sarah. Because I do, very much so. Nothing's gonna ever change that. Not Shaw, not Hannah, not anything."
With his heart completely bared before her, he tried to gauge her reaction. Deciding to take the chance, he reached out and for a beat he wondered if she would punch him. But no; she stepped willingly into his hand, and let him slide his fingers along her jaw.
The movement was more intimate than he had anticipated, and when Sarah met his gaze full-on, he was woefully unprepared for the emotions he saw there. In that moment, he could tell she missed all their movie marathons, their non-conversations, and their mutual mission of destroying Fort Casey as much as he had, if not more.
"You're not invincible," Chuck reminded her softly. "Take a few days off. The world will still have its assorted bad guys and nuclear-stealing dictators when you come back, I promise."
She closed her eyes when his thumb made its way around the curve of her patrician cheekbone and the trust she still displayed in his hands gave him hope that maybe not was all lost when it came to them.
He laughed, trying to alleviate the atmosphere with some gentle teasing. "You can be assured that this time I will keep your spastic colon problem a national secret."
The smile she rewarded him with was blinding in its intensity. For a moment, he wondered if she was going to kiss him when she fixes him with that look. But as she teetered, he decided that it was too soon, and he let his hand drop by his side, stepping back.
"Thank you, Chuck."
She placed her hand on his chest and rested it over his heart for a split-second. She gave him a little sad smile, before she headed back towards Casey, Shaw, and the real world.
Chuck propped himself against the same pillar Sarah had been leaning on. His body was buzzing after their encounter.
After five minutes, he made his way back too. Casey looked up sharply as he entered the room and they locked gazes over the top of Shaw's bent head. Finally, Casey nodded imperceptibly at him, looking vaguely satisfied.
"G'night, Lemon."
x
This time I think, I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
It's never too late to make it right
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry.
x
It's harder getting back into writing than I thought. Huh.
I'd just like to say, before I get burned: I hate Shaw as much as the next person. But that kind of one-sided view is exactly why I'm writing this. Relationships are about give and take- and although that was a catastrophic mistake, Sarah gave up EVERYTHING to run away with Chuck (which by the way) what the audience wanted from the start, and Chuck was the one to make the first move that pushed Sarah away. I love Chuck, because he loves Sarah unconditionally, and I emphasise unconditional- because he forgave her at the end, as she did him, without needing an apology first. That is a very hard, and sacrificial thing to do.
That is a male role model that is not threatened by the free female will at all. I am just trying to present you with both sides of the argument. Whether you maintain a narrow, tunnel vision or not, is up to you.
But I think everyone needs to take off their feminist, misogynist or double-standard armour for once (Because what do you call Lou, and Hannah, and Jill?).
