A/N: Hi guys, I'm back! Yikes, it's taken me sooo long to post this. Bleh, I blame the start of school. Anyway, I have finally gotten used to my new schedule so I have time to write again. Yay! I have no part in owning the Darkwing universe. He and everybody else in this story belongs to Disney. Wahoo… Enjoy!
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Chapter 4
" I... am Darkwiiiiing Duck!" The masked mallard struck one of his signature poses before jumping into the green house. The four villains were looking at him with expressions of either confusion or annoyance, too surprised to move. The hero, oblivious to the inaction of his nemeses, turned to Bushroot, who was still in the Liquidator's arms, and began to monologue. "SO, thought you could get away with it huh? Thought you could pull the wool over the eyes of Justice? Well let me tell you that no bumbling band of berserk botany can hide your vile villainy from the ever watchful eyes of Darkwiiiing Duck!"
The Liquidator let out an exasperated burble and put Bushroot down. "Statistics show, it'd be best to get the oaf out of sight," he whispered to the plant-duck. Bushroot quickly conjured up a hedge to block the back of the sofa from sight, and the fat mallard, who was looking at Darkwing curiously, that was sitting on it. After that the watery villain went, stood in front of the duck, who was still in the middle of his good-vs-evil lecture, and began to tap a watery foot impatiently against the dirt floor.
Darkwing, now realizing that no one had stopped him, opened his eyes that had been closed during his speech. Our hero yelped when he saw the form of the Liquidator in front of him, and jumped back in a defensive position.
The Liquidator raised a watery brow, then smiled, "Three out of four villains want to know. What is it that we're doing wrong?"
The caped crusader paused, taken aback, and looked around. Surely there must be something around the greenhouse that looked sinister. Anything. He looked again. Other than the four super villains staring at him, nothing was out of place. He cleared his throat, "Well you must be doing something. Why else would all four of you be in one place?"
"Oh yeah, like we can't have social lives," Megavolt sneered as he got up."Ever occur to you that we might have just wanted to visit Bush-brain here?"
"Yeah!" Quackerjack piped up, catching on, "Why do you have to stalk us all the time? Don't you have a life?"
"In any case this is a private meeting, on private property I might add." Bushroot said with a shrug, "You were the one who bursted in here."
Before Darkwing could come up with a snappy comeback, Liquidator pitched in, "Tired of feeling like a fool? Want to just disappear? Then why don't you? Use a Darkwing Brand smoke screen and save yourself further embarrassment at the hands of your enemies. Act now!"
Darkwing's mind whirred, he didn't believe that four of the most dangerous criminals ever were gathered in one place just to socialize, but they had a point. He took a breath, and said the first thing that came to his mind, "Well then... if you're not doing anything... then you wouldn't mind if a took a look around, huh?"
There was silence as the four super villains looked at each other uneasily. All of them had no intention of telling Darkwing about Herb- Who would?- but none of them could think of a legitimate excuse not to show the masked menace around.
Darkwing regained his hope as the four villains tried to come up with excuses. "Well? If you have nothing to hide then it should be no problem right?" he began to walk towards the hedge.
"NO!" Bushroot and Liquidator jumped in front of the hedge, blocking the short mallard's path, while Quackerjack and Megavolt each grabbed one of his arms.
Darkwing smiled smugly, wrenching his arms from the villains' grip "Why not?"
"Well we- we-" The Liquidator stuttered, for once at a loss for words.
"You're just doing something illegal that's what!" the masked duck accused. Bushroot shook his head frantically, "No no it's just that... that's private!"
"Oh yeeeah suuure, like I'm falling for that!"
"No really it's true I have lots of... um... personal items back there!"
"Like what?"
"Well... I... um..."
Megavolt and Quackerjack, having been pushed away by Darkwing, stood watching the exchange. "Why don't I just fry him?" the rat whispered to the duck.
"We don't about how many people know he's here. Remember that huge sidekick of his? Not to mention S.H.U.S.H. They could be outside just waiting for a reason to take us in. Which would be Ab-so-lute-ly no fun! Remember, Negs doesn't want us to be in the slammer before he pulls his next big scheme."
"Oh, yeah okay," they turned back to the argument.
"Seriously though, what could a mutant plant-duck have that's so personal?" Darkwing sighed, frustrated.
"Lots of things! Just because I'm part plant doesn't mean I don't need... things."
"I'm still waiting for one example."
"Condoms."
"WHAT?" both Bushroot and Darkwing turned toward the Liquidator, who was looking slightly smug, in shock. In the background Quackerjack and Megavolt had burst into laughter.
"I mean condoms. You know the things where you-"
"I know what they are," Darkwing cut the liquid canine off. "What I meant was why would he," he jerked a thumb at Bushroot, who was looking incredulously at his partner in crime, "need... ugh... those."
"Well I assume you know their function." he raised an eyebrow and got an affirmative, if not completely grossed out, nod, "Then why not? Plant-ducks need to be safe too."
"You're saying that the entire space behind that hedge is filled with condoms?"
"Yes."
"Liquidator!" Bushroot had found his voice and was now glaring at the dog, his face was dark green with embarrassment.
"What?" the ex-salesman frowned at the botanist and nudged him, trying to make him play along, "Every good salesman knows to give the customers what they want. He wanted the info, so he got it!"
"We'll talk about this later." Bushroot hissed and turned back to Darkwing, who looked disgusted, "Um... yeah so now you know. Can you go away now? Please?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry for the trouble..." The caped crime fighter turned and took a few slow steps away. Suddenly, he spun back around, sprinted past the stunned Bushroot and Liquidator, and dove through the hedge.
After blinking for a moment, Quackerjack started to laugh again, Bushroot and the Liquidator groaned, and Megavolt shrugged. From inside the hedge they heard Herb's happy greeting, "Darkwing Duck! Well how about that! It's good ta see ya again!"
Putting a leaf to his head, Bushroot waved the hedges away. The four villains saw a flustered Darkwing having his arm yanked off by a smiling Herb.
Liquidator glanced at the clock, it was Three Fifteen. I guess I'll have to wait another hour for my turn, he thought, and then smiled, However, surveys say that this may turn out to be most entertaining. Perhaps it is time for a commercial- or comical- break.
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It was dark in the sewers except for a solitary beam from a flashlight. The holder of said light picked his way through the sewers, his beak wrinkling in disgust. Obviously the stench was not appealing to Launchpad McQuack, pilot and sidekick. He covered his beak with his free hand. It really did stink. DW was smart to have chosen to check the greenhouse.
You mean he was lucky that you volunteered to check the sewers for him.
When the random thought popped into his head he sighed, and instantly regretted it when the polluted air filled his beak. It was true, he had seen that his partner was less than eager to go into the sewers, and Launchpad knew that DW would rather submit himself to the disgusting smells (and sights) of St. Canard's plumbing than admit that it was too much for him to handle. It was odd, how he was always smoothing the path for his friend. He'd see the problem before it happened, scout out the options, and then take the path of least resistance. It was something he had done since he was a tyke. Unfortunately, finding the path of least resistance was much harder when he was dealing with his temperamental friend, and that friend's ego.
He smiled, it was a tough job, but someone had to do it. Speaking of which, he had to continue searching for... well, whatever he was searching for. He stepped over a puddle of who knows what and shrugged. Who said the life of a sidekick was glamorous?
But he wouldn't trade it for anything. Despite Darkwing's strange moods, his ego, and his tendency to belittle his best friend, he was a great guy. Launchpad was glad to have met him.
Enough of that though. Time to work. He snapped himself from his musings and continued down the sewer. He scanned the light around a few times. There was nothing.
Wonder what DW is doing right now. I sure hope it's more interesting than what's down here... ugh and hopefully better smelling too- Hold it, he paused when he saw a light. Straining his ears, Launchpad caught the sound of voices echoing down the pipelines.
Well maybe there's something going on down here after all. Better check it out.
And with a nod of his head, the sidekick began to make his way towards the strange lights and noises.
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As his partner was picking his way through the sewers, Darkwing was beginning to regret not choosing the slime infested pipes. At the moment, he was sandwiched between Herb's massive gut and Bushroot's scrawny stalk. The mutant plant-duck had propped his elbow on the armrest and was watching the re-run of Pelican's Island blankly. Darkwing huffed and leaned over to Bushroot, which didn't take much as they were practically plastered together, and hissed, "This is all your fault!"
Bushroot's head quickly turned to look down at the short mallard, "My fault? How is this my fault? You were the one who had to go and play detective on me."
"How was I supposed to know that you were hiding him back there. If you four hadn't been so elusive about it, I would not be here right now. You should have told me about this."
"Oh yeah right. Like you would believe me. 'Hey look I can't talk right now. There's a door-to-door salesman who's addicted to Pelican's Island here and I'm having a little trouble with him. Thanks.' Yeah right."
"Okay maybe so, and I still think that you're up to something by the way, but this is Herb, you could have at least told me that much."
"Yeah well I- Wait, you know him?" Bushroot raised an eyebrow at his nemesis.
Darkwing gritted his teeth and struggled to get free of the couch. "Let's just say that we've met before," he grunted. With one final tug the crime fighter was free. The force of the motion also pulling Bushroot with him and the unfortunate villain fell sprawling onto the floor. The former duck scowled at the masked vigilante, picked himself up, and sat back on the couch. Darkwing, ignoring Bushroot, began to march over to the three other villains, who had been huddled together whispering the entire time.
"Look, even if he came on your time it's still your turn!"
"If you recall, The Liquidator had not officially agreed to take this hour before the Idiot that Flaps barged in. This salesman thinks that you're just trying to shorthand him because of the little boogie-board incident."
"Hmph, maybe so, but it is still your turn!"
Megavolt rolled his eyes at the bickering pair. He rubbed his head, it was all starting to come back now... sort of. At least he remembered where they were and what they were doing. The entire game was getting tiring in his opinion. He wanted to get back to his precious luminaries. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Darkwing start to approach.
"Uh, guys?"
"No, that doesn't make any sense, you're the one who waited till the end to take your turn."
"Look out sports fans! It seems that Quackerjack is not only a sore loser, but a cheater! Stay tuned for details!"
Quackerjack gasped, his mouth practically dropping to the floor, "Take that back!"
"Uh... hey guys." Megavolt glanced nervously at the oncoming duck.
Liquidator spread his arms wide, "Oh! I'm sorry! Our return policy is next to nothing for... cheaters."
"How dare you! I have not once cheated ever... in this game at least."
"What game?" Darkwing's voice broke into the two super villains' argument. They looked up to see Darkwing, looking curious, and Megavolt, rubbing his temples. Quackerjack and Liquidator exchanged a glance before turning to face the mallard completely.
"It has nothing to do with you, Lou." Mr. Banana Brain quipped from Quackerjack's hand.
"Nine out of ten banana-inspired dolls agree: Darkwing should keep his big beak where it belongs."
"Besides," Quackerjack sneered, "shouldn't you have left by now? Unless you're thinking of turning to crime and want some pointers."
"Ha-ha no wonder you dress like a jester, and my beak is not big! Is it? Anyway, I'll have you know that I'm still not sure that you four aren't up to something. Furthermore, I can't leave Herb alone to your precarious powwow of potentially perilous plotting. As the defender of this city it is my duty to take him away from this vile villainy."
"Be our guest, if you can," Megavolt muttered as Darkwing walked over to Herb.
The Liquidator leaned over to Quackerjack and whispered, "The results are in, and the people have voted Darkwing Duck as our next competitor." Quackerjack just pouted and smacked the liquid canine in the face, making the watery features jumble for a moment.
Back at the couch where Herb had been regaling Bushroot with stories of his family's last barbecue, Darkwing tapped the large mallard on the shoulder. Herb looked around and smile, "Well if it isn't Mr. Darkwing. Howya doin' buddy?"
Darkwing rolled his eyes and cleared his throat,"A-hem, Mr. Muddlefoot. I think it's about time that you go home. Don't you think?"
"Well I don't know. Binky was awfully clear with her instructions. She wants me out workin' for a while more."
"But Mr. Muddlefoot I really don't call this working."
The four villains realized what the hero was going to say just before he said it. They jumped up and tried to stop the inevitable.
"No!"
"Wait!"
"Don't!"
"Say it!"
Ignoring their cries, Darkwing pressed on, "Shouldn't you be out selling Quackerware?"
The super villains groaned as the familiar sparkle came into Herb's eyes. Herb heaved himself off of the couch saying, "You're right Mr. Darkwing! Wait just one second while I get ready!" He huffed over to the table while the hero turned to Bushroot.
"Get ready?"
"He's going to start The Pitch again," Bushroot groaned as he slapped a leaf to his beak.
"What the heck is The Pitch?"
Liquidator slid up to Darkwing's right, "The scourge of these four villains for the past three- no now four hours! Only available from a Muddlefoot near you. It's-"
"Hey Mr. Darkwing c'mon over here! Have I gots some deals for you!"
"The Pitch."
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J. Gander Couldn't believe his luck. He was sitting next to the most beautiful duck in StCanard. Not only that but he was on a date with her! A smile worked onto his face as he watched Dr Sara Bellum stack forks into a pyramid, a look of deep concentration was on her face. They had already eaten and were having some coffee. He chuckled and the noise grabbed her attention. When she looked up at him he felt his face get hot. "Um, that looks nice."
She grinned, "Thank you director."
"You can call me J, Dr. Bellum."
"Only if you call me Sara."
"Deal."
They sat in silence, not really sure what to say next. Sara twiddled her thumbs and added a touch or two to her pyramid. J. Gander simply watched her. "J," Sara mused, "What does "J" stand for anyway?"
The owl's face began to turn red again, "Oh, well I really don't like to talk about my first name much..."
"Oh come on. How bad could it be?"
"Bad."
Sara squinted her eyes behind her glasses. Then, with a sinister smile, she reached into her purse and pulled out a strange looking device, "We have ways of making you talk."
Gander eyed the contraption warily, "What in the world does that thing do?"
"You could find that out," she chuckled her insane chuckle, "Or you can spare yourself and tell me what J stands for."
Swallowing hard, the owl tried to keep up his bravado, "Now you wouldn't do anything to your director, would you?"
"No, but you're not my director right now. Right, J."
"Oh fine fine you devious little- A-hem. J stands for," he leaned over and whispered a name into the doctor's ear. Pulling back, J watched anxiously for her reaction.
Sara blinked for a moment, then smiled and, much to J's relief, put back the gadget. "Aw that's not so bad. Actually it's kinda cute."
Gander rolled his eyes, only Sara. "So what was that thing?" he asked, indicating the purse.
"Oh that? It's my eyelash curler."
"Your... eyelash curler?"
"Exactly," she said smugly, buffing her nails on her lab coat, "you were in absolutely no danger the entire time."
After a beat, they both broke into hysterical laughter, getting several looks from the surrounding tables. Once they had calmed down, looking into each other's eyes, they leaned in closer. Just as their beaks were about to meet…
"Director!" A russian accented voice broke into the moment with a crash.
With a sigh J Gander looked up to see his top agent, Grizzlikof, standing in the doorway of the S.H.U.S.H. headquarter's restaurant. Both he and Dr. Bellum straightened as the angry looking bear strode to them. "Agent Grizzlikof," the owl managed to choke out, trying not to sound as pissed as he actually was, "What?"
"I haf only heard now about a ceertain experiment that you had been doings with Doctor Bellam," the top agent nodded at the doctor as he mentioned her name.
"And?"
"And? And you haf given the assignment to Darkvink Duck!"
Gander sighed and rubbed his temples. It was like this with Grizzlikof every time Darkwing got involved. "Agent I have my reasons for choosing Darkwing. I think he is a fine asset to this organization, and quite capable to handle whatever those villains throw at him. You know that."
"Yes but every other time I haf known before you contacted that caped clown. Vy did you not consult me?"
"Because I am the director of S.H.U.S.H. not you Grizzlikof! So you should just calm down and trust me!" Gander was now standing up, and, though the owl was at least one fifth of the bear's size, Grizzlikof looked disconcerted.
"I- I am sorry Director. I should trust your judgement."
J waved a hand to stop him and sat down. He tried hated having to get like this, but it was the only thing that got the irritable bear to listen, "No no Grizzlikof I was in the wrong. I should have alerted you. I just had my mind on... other things."
"I can see that," Grizzlikof smirked with a glance at Dr Bellum. "I am sorry that I disturbed you. I vill talk to Darkvink about the paper vork later."
"Right," Gander muttered after his retreating figure, "you do that." Sara, who had been silently watching the entire event, burst into a fit of giggles. J looked at her, confused,
"What's so funny?"
Once she had stifled her laughter enough to speak, she said, "It's just that, J, I think Agent Grizzlikof was actually scared of you for a moment. I can see why you're director."
"Oh and it was hard to understand how I got the position before?" he was answered with nothing but more laughter. He smiled and chuckled with her, "How about we go somewhere with less interruptions?"
She nodded and stood with him. "By the way, did you really mean what you said about Darkwing being able to handle those villains?"
"Of course, I'm sure he has everything under control."
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"I have everything under control." Darkwing hissed to Bushroot, who, along with the other three villains, had been forced to listen to The Pitch with the hero for the last Fifty minutes.
"Oh really? Because the last time I checked having things 'under control' involved having some sort of control. Which you don't have."
"You underestimate the power of my industrious mind. Already I am forming a plan to extract Herb from your greenhouse."
"What exactly do you-" Bushroot was cut off as Herb sighed happily.
"An' that's just about it. You gonna buy something Mr. Darkwing?"
"Um, no thank you Mr. Muddlefoot I-"
"Aw why not? This is quality tupperware! Do I need to explain their functions again?"
"NO!" The four villains shouted simultaneously. "He'll buy something," Megavolt assured the door-to-door salesman as Quackerjack and Bushroot kept the hero silent.
"Oh that's great what'll he buy?"
Megavolt smiled in a way that looked more frightening than happy and said, "Oh I think he wants a Wonder Box, maybe two. Don't you think so Liquidator?"
"Of course, why spend your valuable time deciding on what to buy, when you can take the fast and ill-meaning advice of your greatest enemy." the watery dog stretched a hand out to the retrained mallard, "Hand over the alloted amount of money, or this offer will inflate."
"That or you can listen to another hour of him." Quackerjack added with a laugh.
After yanking himself from their clutches, Darkwing reached into the chest pocket of his purple coat and pulled out a few bills. After his business was concluded, Herb headed back to, where else, the T.V. Darkwing rolled his eyes and tossed the little pink container out the open window he had entered in. He folded his hands, stretched his arms, and cracked his knuckles. "Not to worry, it is time to put my master plan into action!" He rolled up his sleeves and started heading toward Herb menacingly.
Bushroot's eyes widened and he grabbed the hero's arm, "Darkwing, I didn't think that I had to warn you of all people, but please don't kill the man."
"I'm not going to kill him, Bushy. Let me go and you'll see the pinnacle of perfect plans made by the masterful mind of Darkwing Duck!"
The botanist let the shorter mallard go with a groan. There was no helping that ego. The fearsome four watched, unimpressed, as Darkwing snuck behind the T.V.
There was a pause, and then the T.V. went black. "Hey!" Herb shouted compulsively, "What happened ta' the T.V.?"
"Oh no!" Darkwing came out from behind the T.V., an obviously fake expression of dismay on his face, "It seems that the television is broken. I guess there will be no more T.V. until Bushroot can call an electrician."
Megavolt took a quick glance at the back of the T.V. and saw that Darkwing had just taken the plug out of the socket. Please, like he'll fall for that. Even someone like Herb isn't that thick.
However, Herb had stood up and walked over to the back of the T.V. "Looks like you're right Mr. Darkwing." he looked up a Bushroot, "Looks like your T.V. is fried bushy-Buddy."
"Yep yep yep." Darkwing said, as he sauntered over to the villains, dusting off his hands, "No T.V. No Herb. It's that simple."
Quackerjack, who was now bouncing on his pogo stick, shrugged, "Looks like Ducky here might be onto something."
Just after the words came out of the mouth of the demented jester, Herb called, "No need ta worry about callin' an electrician though. I'll have 'er fixed up in a jiffy!" And with that the fat mallard pulled the backing off of the T.V. and began to pug and unplug wires.
"Oh just great," Bushroot threw up his hands, "not only is he still here, he's going to wreck my T.V. too. Nice work Brainiac."
Darkwing rubbed the back of his head, things were getting out of hand. He was a super hero for crying out loud! Not Herb's babysitter. Besides, Launchpad was probably done with the sewers, and (as much as he hated to admit it) the villains weren't doing anything particularly sinister. Not to mention, Gosalyn was going to need dinner... in about two hours, but still. He nodded inwardly, having made enough excuses to appease his ego, and turned to the villains. "Well, I have concluded that you are not doing anything illegal. So I'll just go now."
Bushroot's mouth dropped, "Wait a second! What about that whole 'I must protect the innocent' stuff that you gabbed on about before?"
"On careful consideration of all the evidence I have concluded that Herb is a grown duck who can handle himself, and therefore is completely not in need of my protection. Bye!"
"But you can't-!" There was a puff of smoke that signified Darkwing's hasty exit, cutting off whatever the mutant was going to say. Once the smoke cleared, there was no sign that the terror that flaps in the night had ever visited. Well, except that Herb was slowly dismantling the T.V., of course.
Bushroot sighed and sat on the couch, he had stolen good money to get that T.V. A liquid arm was placed around his viney shoulders as the Liquidator boomed, "Feeling tired? Annoyed? Now, after a slight interlude, The Liquidator is ready to take his turn at this time of Four-O-Clock. Operators are standing by after his victory to receive your praise. It's time to act now!"
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A/N: Ahh yes, the torture will go on! Licky style! The LP scene is actually a little angsty plot idea that is bouncing around my skull. So yeah, just thought I'd tell you. Why? No idea! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and Thank You to all the people that have left reviews for my little fic. They're a great encouragement and help to me!
