Finally, an update. I am sooooo sorry to all my readers for the extremely long delay between the last chapter and this one. At first it was delayed because it took me a while to actually finish the chapter (I am extremely picky about where I end my chapters, and I wasn't satisfied ending it until I got to a certain part), then I just couldn't find time to type such a long chapter. I write this story out by hand (something I haven't done much in years) since I'm not on the computer a lot because it needs to be replaced, so I generally type chapters Friday night before I go to sleep, but I had so much art to work on that I just didn't have time to type so much. Anyway, the next chapter has been almost done for a while now, I'm going to go ahead and finish it now then see if I can type it a hell of a lot sooner than I did this one lol.
The Twins make their first appearance in this chapter – something I know people have been looking forward to. Granted, it's brief and sort of moronic (in my opinion, anyway), but it sets the stage for them to become more involved in the plot in the near future. The Warden reveals his plot to "get back at" Val for trying to escape, which though it's sort of a retarded concept – not to mention, petty and childish – it does lead to some funny things sometime later on. Plus Val goes on a date hahaha.
Also, as a side note, the chapter title is actually the title of a joke story I wrote in 5th grade with a friend – used it 'cause it still makes me laugh when I remember the way we said the title. Enjoy the new chapter!
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Chapter Nine: How To Commit SU-I-CIDE!
Meanwhile…
Jared was trying to figure out how to approach this task. With a prisoner population rivaling that of a medium-sized city, it could take a billion years. He looked at the ten-inch thick stack of papers that listed every inmate in Superjail with dread.
"How are we going to get this done? It's practically impossible."
Jailbot picked up the stack of papers, tossed them in his right side compartment, then produced a single sheet of paper from his left.
"Ah," Jared said, taking the paper from him. "You narrowed it down to… five hundred. Oh well, that's still a start."
He set the list down on his desk. "This will take a while. How should we even approach this?"
There was a lot of noise nearby like a riot breaking out, and Jailbot left to check it out.
"Hm… Guess I'm on my own. Maybe I'll just rest my eyes for a moment before I get started." But as soon as closed his eyes, he dosed off into a deep sleep.
Meanwhile…
The Twins hadn't caused any mischief in a little over twenty-four hours now, and to them, that just wasn't right. It didn't help that so little had really been going on lately, except for the arrival of Val. But that was about to change.
Always on top of everything happening in Superjail, they were aware of Val joining the staff – and the odd plan the Warden had to set her up.
"Ooh, what have we here, a list of inmates," one said.
"Possible courters for the HR lady," the other added.
"Let's set her up on a 'dream date'."
"A date they'll never forget."
They laughed in unison.
A bit later…
Jared shook his head and stretched. "How long was I asleep?"
He looked down at his desk, and saw that the paper he had in front of him had been replaced by another, which only had a single name on it.
"What the…?" Jared had no idea what happened while he was asleep, "Oooookay…"
He glanced at the name. "Ugh, Jacknife? I remember him… Poor Valerie. This can't possibly be right."
"Jared," the Warden said enthusiastically, coming in without warning and giving Jared a massive coronary in the progress. "How's that list coming?"
"Uh… It's done… But - "
"Fantastic! I want you to get everything ready immediately!"
Meanwhile…
Val had gotten back into her clothes and was drying her hair as she came out of the bathroom.
The bird chirped something to her.
"Oh, uh, thanks. I didn't know I was singing that loud…"
She continued to dry her hair in awkward silence until the door opened suddenly.
"Val," the Warden said seriously, but with a smile on his face, "I came to let you know that we've found someone. You'll be having dinner with him tomorrow."
"Fantastic…" Val murmured sarcastically.
"And, as punishment for your last escapade, I've devised a way to show you exactly how I feel. I will set before you a series of tedious, annoying and difficult tasks. And if you don't complete them, things could get pretty ugly." He seemed thrilled at the prospect.
"Uh… Okay…"
"Your first task is to teach the prisoners that you pal around with - "
"I don't really 'pal around with them' per say…"
"AHEM, as I was saying, you'll teach them to play instruments, and not just individually, but as a group. Otherwise…" He trailed off.
"Okay, yes, I'll do that," Val said, a little lost. It didn't help that his threats were always so vague.
"Good. Have fun!" he left with a wave and a grin.
"Uh-huh… That guy is seriously weird…"
Gary and the bird agreed.
A moment later, the door opened again and Val stopped drying her hair, allowing the towel to drape around her neck. "John?"
John stood there nonchalantly, smiling despite the fact that he was badly bruised and battered.
"Oh my God, John, what did they do to you?" Val went over to him without a seconds notice, looking him over.
"Nothing that hasn't happened before," John said like it was nothing.
"Oh, John… you poor guy… Go sit down, I'll be right back."
She went into the bathroom and came back with a wet cloth. She sat down to his right on the lounge, and gently began to clean blood off of his face. "Does it hurt?"
"No, you're enough of a distraction to prevent that," he chuckled.
"Oh, gee, thanks." She rolled her eyes.
"You know, for someone who puts on such a strong front, you're a very caring lady."
She half-laughed. "Some people think I'm crazy, but I have a strong desire to look after everyone around me."
He brushed a lock of brunette hair away from her face and smiled. "We're lucky to have you here."
After a moment of silence, she looked at him. "Aren't you afraid they might catch you in here?"
"Not at all. You're the only person who treats me like a human being. I'm not giving that up."
"Hm, I'm glad you like me so much. I'm not always the model of friendliness."
"I'm sure you have your reasons," he replied.
"You shouldn't stay too long."
"Why? Going somewhere?"
"No, I don't want you to get caught again. I don't want that weighing on my conscience."
"I'm not worried. I'd rather stay here with you."
"But - "
"Nothing would be nicer of you than to let this lonely old reject spend the night with you." Then, for some reason, he felt compelled to quote an Ozzy song, "Each night when the day is through, I don't ask much, I just want you."
They looked at each other for a long time, and then Val looked to Gary. "Would that be okay with you?"
Gary nodded.
"Okay," Val agreed, "But keep your hands to yourself. I'm not a stripper."
He laughed. "Understood."
Early the next morning…
Dawn hadn't broken yet when John stirred. There was a light on in the corner opposite the bathroom, and it cast a very dim glow throughout the room. He glanced at Val, finding her sleeping soundly in his arms. He stroked her head a few times, then gently laid her against the lounge and got to his feet. Gary was sitting on the floor against the nearest wall, keeping watch. John gave him a smile and a wave as he headed for the door.
"See you later, John," Val yawned.
"Later," he said cheerfully, before quietly slipping into the hall.
Val stretched. "God, I really need to eat something." She looked over at Gary. "Gary, how can you possibly be comfortable like that? We need to find you a nice chair, or something."
She stood and looked around. "Come on, you want to have breakfast with me? My cooking is probably better than the food here."
He got up and together they went to the cafeteria.
It was, amazingly, void of the creepy women who worked there, and for that, Val heaved a sigh of relief.
Boy, am I glad those weirdos aren't here… They freak me the hell out. And now I can cook in peace," she said on a happier note.
"What are you doing here again?" someone asked, and they looked to see Gordon Ramsey coming over.
"You're still here??" Val asked, "What the hell, man, do you live in here?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. I've been living in the cabinet under the sink."
"Please tell me that's a joke."
"No, it's not."
"O~kay…" Val turned away slowly, "Uh, I've got to do some cooking now, so - "
"Splendid! Let's get started," Ramsey said.
She stood there and stared at the experienced chef. "Uh… You're not going to totally freak out on me, are you?"
"No, of course not."
A little while later…
"No, no, NO! What the bloody hell are you doing?!" Chef Ramsey shouted.
"You said you weren't going to get all crazy!" Val snapped back at him.
"Well, then start doing it right!"
"What am I even doing wrong? It's cooking, not rocket science! It doesn't need to be perfect as long as it's edible and tastes good!"
"What are you talking about, you culinary-dumb loudmouth!"
"I'm a loudmouth? You're the one who picked a fight with me, you limey son of a bitch!"
"Shut up!"
"You shut up!"
Then Gary put an end to the argument by hitting Chef Ramsey in the head with a frying pan and knocking him out cold.
"Hm, that may have been a little excessive, but thank you, anyway." Val gave him a smile and he responded with a satisfied nod. "Hope you don't mind, I went a little French countryside farmer and made soup for breakfast."
He seemed pleased with that. The bird replied.
"No, I didn't use anything made of or by a bird. Do you think I'm that insensitive?"
The bird glared at her.
"Okay, okay, sorry about the tone. Here, I made you some fruit bread."
The bird didn't seem impressed, and chirped in a faintly sardonic tone.
"It's not fruitcake, that crap is disgusting. It's fruit bread, there's a difference. What's in it? Well, whatever I could find. What specifically? Bananas, oranges, berries… Alright, instead of 'fruit bread', I'll call it 'banana-orange-berry bread'. There, ya happy now?"
The bird appeared to be amused by her reaction.
"Can we eat now? The last thing I ingested was liquor, and that was a long time ago."
Gary nodded and the bird agreed.
They took a seat at a table that appeared to be a relic from when the Warden's father was still in charge. In its old, faded surface, hundreds of people had etched and carved messages to future occupants, many with crude penmanship or spelling, but legible enough to be understood. Val glanced over some of them as she sipped soup from her spoon.
Her eyes came to rest upon a single entry of notable, but not overly large size, relatively neat and engraved into the wood with a black pen.
"I was here," she read aloud with a smile, rolling her eyes. "Can't beat a classic. Makes you wonder what happened to him, doesn't it?"
The bird replied.
"'Not particularly'? Jeez, you have no sense of compassion, do you? When someone writes 'I was here', they want to be remembered."
The bird didn't seem terribly enthusiastic about it.
"Hmm…" she said to herself, "I wonder if anyone back home is wondering about me…"
She shook her head, trying to dispel the depressing thoughts, although it didn't help trying to ignore them. The realization that she may never make it home had taken up residence in the very pit of her soul, working its way into the fiber or her being. She could feel it eating away at her little by little, like acid dripping from a higher surface onto something below.
The bird tried to lighten the mood, evidently aware of Val's inner workings.
"I beg your pardon? 'When are John and I going to make a baby'?? What the fuck are you talking about?"
The bird answered matter-of-factly.
"Okay, it is not obvious there's something going on, because there is not anything going on. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the rainbow-loving idiot – we're not involved, and we're not going to be. There's only one person I have any interest in at all, and he's the only one I want. I won't settle for less."
The bird gave her a funny look and chirped.
"We, um, couldn't seem to come to an arrangement. For a while he seemed like he'd commit to being together, but he chickened out. Okay, okay, instead of saying 'chickened out', I'll say 'he backed out', yeesh. Why? Well, I don't know… He didn't even give me a chance."
The bird replied with a single chirp.
"He is not a loser. Now can we please get off the subject? I'm getting uncomfortable."
Val crossed her arms on the table and rested her chin on them, looking at the wall idly. Of all the things she missed, this one person was a big one.
Later that day…
Val was sitting in her quarters, entertaining random ideas as they came to her.
"Ways to commit suicide," she said out loud, "Huh… well, throat-slitting is out."
The bird chirped.
"Nah, wrist-slashing is too cliché. Besides, I don't think I'd want to wait that long – I'd have better luck chopping my hands off."
The bird agreed.
"'Then do it'? How would I chop both my hands off? I'd need some way of chopping the other one off after the first, duh. I said it first? Well, yeah, but it wasn't a serious suggestion."
The bird snorted tetchily.
Val continued to brainstorm. "I don't want to drown. Falling would be bad…"
The door opened suddenly and John slipped in. "Hey, dollface, whatcha doing?"
"What is this, the '50s? I told you not to call me that. And I'm thinking up ways to kill myself."
He frowned, then said helpfully, "What about decapitation?"
"I don't know how I'd pull that off even."
The bird answered.
"We're not having that discussion again., it's a stupid idea. Hey… Maybe I should taunt Alice into killing me."
"You don't want to do that." John shook his head.
"Uh, given the circumstances, I think I do," Val answered snidely.
"No, I mean that's not a good way to commit suicide – since it's you, she'd probably resort to torture before killing… Not that I'm for you committing suicide, or anything."
"Well, thank you, John, it's nice to know that at least someone in this room doesn't have a laissez-faire attitude about how much I'd rather kill myself than be here." She gave the bird a dirty look.
The bird seemed slightly amused, if not partly irritated, whistling a reply.
"'I'm the one who started it'? Well, you didn't have to keep giving me ideas."
"Okay, alright, calm down, girls. No need for an argument," John said, and Gary nodded in agreement.
"We weren't arguing, we were debating."
"Isn't that practically the same thing?"
"John, seriously – shut up. Shouldn't we be figuring out how to break a group of ten out of this hellhole?"
"Ten? I thought it was eight."
"Yeah – But I also want to bring Gary and Bird." She smiled, pointing to them.
"Hm, I really haven't had any ideas on how to break out, let alone a group of that many people. I suppose we could always - " He was interrupted when the door opened and Alice came in, cracking her knuckles intimidatingly.
Gary and the bird weren't fazed, but Val and John took on a whole new demeanor in her presence, becoming rather timid in appearance.
"Thought I'd find you here, scumbag," Alice said gruffly, crossing her arms and glaring at the couple.
"Uh, are you talking to me or him?" Val asked.
"Shut up, spaz."
"Answered my question," she murmured sarcastically.
"The Warden has ordered that you be put in isolation," Alice explained, approaching John, who took a step back when she got too close for comfort. Alice grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him close enough that their noses were barely more than a centimeter apart. "You do not back away from me."
She shoved him hard enough that he almost fell backwards.
"What did I do?" he asked in an attempt to divert her attention from getting violent, speculating that this was just because the Warden didn't like him.
"You know what you did, now shut it before I rip your vocal cords out and make you wear them as a bowtie."
John swallowed uncomfortably.
Alice took hold of a black garment she had draped over her right shoulder, shoving it into John's hands. It was a gimp suit.
"Suit up, pretty boy. It's time to play," Alice said with a sinister sort of amusement, heading towards the door.
John looked genuinely frightened at this point.
"I am so sorry, John," Val said in a sympathetic tone, and he patted her on the head.
"I'll be fine… I hope."
"Don't get any funny ideas from this, okay? This is purely friendly." She leaned close to him, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "For luck, just in case."
"That made me feel better," he said with a smile, "For the moment, anyway." He glanced at Alice, who was waiting impatiently in the doorway.
"I'll try to get you out of solitary."
"No, no, don't get yourself in hot water. Just wait for me. This will all be worth it to see you smile again."
"Do you flirt with all your female friends?" she chuckled lightly.
"No. You're special."
The bird chirped to Gary in a sardonic tone, 'And she says there's nothing going on?'
"Come on, asshole, you've had enough time to say goodbye to your tramp," Alice said, coming back over and almost throwing him in the direction of the door.
John and Val waved to each other before he exited the room with Alice and the door slammed shut.
"Poor John. I hope he'll be alright…" she said worriedly, then taking on a confused expression. "Did Alice call me a tramp?"
The bird seemed to find that funny.
"Yeah, laugh it up."
That's when the door opened again, and Jared stepped in., carrying something frilly and pastel purple.
"Valerie, the Warden told me to help you get ready for your… Uh… 'date'."
"Oh God, why me?" Val muttered, running a hand down her face.
"It's not that bad. It will all be over before you know it," Jared reassured, even though he didn't really believe that 'it wasn't that bad'.
"I doubt that," she said.
"Come on, just get it over with. When it's over, you won't have to worry about it anymore."
"Okay, fine," she groaned, like she really had a choice in the matter.
"This is what the Warden wants you to wear." He handed her the dress that he'd previously been nearly drowning in.
Raising an eyebrow, she looked at it funny and held it up. "What the fuck is this thing?"
"There's also these." He handed her opera gloves and a pair of stilettos.
"Okay, I can deal with the deep purple opera gloves, but the stilettos are a bit much."
"It's only for an hour and a half, Valerie."
The bird piped up, chirping in agreement.
"I swear, I am about to take this shoe and jam the heel right into my aorta," she grumbled, heading to the bathroom to change.
A couple of minutes later…
"I look like a purple doily."
"Not at all. You look very… pretty."
The bird snickered in a way only a bird could.
"Come on, we have to go now. We're supposed to be there in five minutes!" Jared said, getting antsy.
She followed him to the door, pausing to turn to Gary with an unenthusiastic expression. "Is there any way at all that you could get me out of this?"
He shook his head with an amused smile and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Thank you for the vote of confidence."
Val walked along behind Jared, hearing snickering from passersby and an occasional murmur or snide remark.
"Nice dress, princess," someone commented, and Val crossed her arms irritably.
"I want to die. Now."
"Just ignore them, you look fine," Jared assured her.
"I look like I traveled to the future from a completely blind Victorian-era town," she grumbled.
"This is it," he said suddenly, leading her into what appeared to be some kind of sitting room.
"Kinda homey," she said, surprised such a place could be in this hellhole.
"Ah, there you are!" the Warden said, overly excited. "Val, don't you look scrumptious!"
Val shuddered. "Hearing you say that made me feel very violated."
"Oh nonsense; come here, Val, and say hello to your date!"
Jailbot came in from the next room over, throwing Jacknife halfway across the room so that he landed in a heap on the floor at the Warden's feet.
"Oh my God, you have to be kidding me," Val groaned, "There is no possible way this can be happening."
"Between you and me, I have no idea how this arrangement came about, unless it was the Twins," Jared whispered to her, like that would make her feel better.
"Who the hell are the - " she was about to ask, when she was cut off.
"Aww, you two look so cute together!" the Warden said cheerfully. "Val, Jacknife; Jacknife, Val."
Val raised an eyebrow, looking Jacknife over. "Why did you dress him like Buddy Holly?"
"I figured that was more your type," the Warden explained with a grin.
"Uh, my 'type' would be more like a nerd… Not a drug-addict dressed like a nerd."
"You'll get along just fine," he said, and the two glared at each other.
"Unless I decide to stab him to death," she said under her breath as the group moved towards the French doors to their left.
The view through the glass was obstructed by long lavender curtains that, when the doors were thrown open, caught the gentle breeze and flowed outward.
"Welcome to the Garden of Perpetual Twilight," the Warden said.
The sun, it seemed, had dropped below the horizon, the sky casting a dim blue aura over everything in sight. A garden stretched out before them, both beautiful and eerie at the same time. Low hedges framed a maze that zigzagged around a strange assortment of plants, many of which, Val had never seen together – morning glories, moonvines, delphiniums, bleeding hearts, lilies of every variation, foxglove, lupines, tulips, snapdragons, bluebells, Chinese lantern, and so many others, all of which seemed to glow dimly in the closing darkness. Hidden almost out of sight beneath the hedges and flowers were twisted brambles protecting small black berries, prickly arched branches occasionally breaching from the cover of the flowers, framed by blue sky. Fireflies were the only thing illuminating the garden in the darkness, twinkling like stars.
"Hm, pretty," Val said, "I half expected to see corpse flowers, or something."
"Oh, we have corpse flowers, but they've been slightly genetically altered, so they have to be kept under lock and key." The Warden seemed to find that entertaining.
Val looked highly disturbed. "This place comes to scare me more and more all the time."
"Come, sit," he said happily, ushering Val and Jacknife over to a relatively small, circular table lit by candlelight and adorned with a long, white table cloth.
The two reluctantly seated themselves, avoiding even looking at each other.
The Warden turned to Jared. "Did you study the music I told you to?"
"Yes, sir," Jared replied, motioning to a keyboard he's set up near the table earlier.
"Excellent," the Warden clapped his hands together with a sinister smile, "Now I feel the time is right. Love will flow like wine tonight."
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Remember back when I mentioned that John was going to have a little misadventure soon, where some crazy stuff happened? Well, that comes up in the next chapter. Isolation in Superjail – especially in John's case - isn't anything like isolation in conventional prison. And I know some of you were wondering when the scene with the axe I illustrated is coming up – that's also in the next chapter lol. A lot happens in chapter ten, but I can't give away anymore of it.
And a side note – the Garden of Perpetual Twilight concept (as in, a garden where it's always twilight) is loosely based on a short "Watership Down" story by Richard Adams about the Land of Perpetual Darkness, where it's always night – that story really creeps me out lmao.
Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'll try to update much sooner this time. ^^
