Bonnie

This is what it looks like. This must be what Dr. Green was telling them. This is why they all looked so shocked and concerned. This is what they didn't want to let me know about. This could have been Stanley. He knows what I am thinking. He tells me he is fine, but we don't know that. We just know he is fine for right now. We don't know what will happen to him later. Miss Lisinski is pulling me out of the room because they still don't want me to see. It is too late for that. Don't they think that I have been wondering? Don't they think my imagination has been driving me crazy going through all the different things that might happen to him?

They all still think that I am this little girl who won't worry over things unless it is right in front of her. It's better for me to see. Not knowing what may happen doesn't make things any less scary. It just makes you scared and not ready. If you know what might happen, you can get ready for it. I don't like getting taken by surprise. I wasn't ready for Mamma and Dad to never come home. That didn't make it any easier. That time wasn't his fault. He didn't know that was coming, but he knew about the farm. He knew, and he shut me out. He left me to not be ready for my life to change. He's trying to do it again.

Pushing me out of the room doesn't change anything. I still know. Why can't he see that I need him to talk to me about it? About everything? If he's going to leave me, does he have to keep me shut out before he goes? I'm grown up. He can't be my mother and father any more. We're past that time. It's time for him to be my brother and my friend. It's time for us to really be a team - not just the pretending to be a team that he used to tell me to make me feel better when I was little. What if we never get to that? What if he gets sick? What if we're out of time? He was there when they died just like I was. He remembers what it was like to get blind sided. He should even remember it better. It was harder on him because he had to take care of me. He knows how awful it is to have everything come crashing down on you when you weren't expecting it. Why would he do that to me on purpose? I'm so mad at him, and I'm so scared that I don't have enough time to be mad at him all at once. I want to scream at him, but I can't. What if something happens and that's the last thing I ever say to him? Why can't he just stop pretending that I'm a baby?

Gracie

What now? The store is empty. The town already took anything that was worth taking. They ate everything that was about to spoil. I didn't even get a thank you out of the whole charitable contribution. So, what is that noise? Someone is breaking in now? Who doesn't know that there is nothing left to take? I would have thought that would have been obvious. Putting me out of business wasn't enough? Someone has to tear the store up on top of everything else? He practically gave me a heart attack. Doesn't he know better than to sneak up on a woman my age? Look at it all. The shelves are all stocked. That blessed, blessed boy did this. How did he do this? There's nowhere to go to get these things. Where did it all come from? I can't take this. It isn't mine. Well, some of it is mine, but some of it belongs to other stores and other people in other towns. I can't just let him take it, can I? He did find it. No one else went out looking for that train. If there is nothing in my store, then all the people in this town have nowhere to go for the things that they are going to need. Who knows when help will be coming? Maybe this is the right thing to be done, given the situation. Maybe it's for the best.

. . .

How dare you ask me for the gas in my car? Haven't I already done enough? Why am I always the one who is supposed to bail the town out of its supply emergencies? I did my part. You think I don't know that the med center needs electricity. Everyone knows that. Repeating it is not going to change my mind. I was willing to let my livelihood be destroyed to help this town out. Don't you dare talk to me like I'm uncaring. It is someone else's turn to make a sacrifice for the good of the town. I'm done.

. . .

That girl isn't worth the value of the time he spends thinking about her. I knew what was going to happen when he went to that party. People like her never change. She's a spoiled brat. She has been from when she was a tiny little thing crying for her mother to buy her a candy bar. That boy is everything she's not - kind, giving, and unselfish. I don't know what he sees in her. I take that back. He is a teenage boy. By the time they are old enough to figure out that pretty isn't everything, half the time it is too late. I am sure she is plenty nice to you when she wants something. That's always their way. When did I get so cynical? I can't tell him what to do. They never listen when you do that, but I don't want him wasting his time moping over her. What would his mother have said?

Bill

There is no way that I am risking my life to carry some half-dead, radioactive pharmacy thief to the med center. It is not going to happen. I have almost been killed once this week already. I have met my danger quota. I am not taking any more chances. I don't care how much guilt they try to lay on me. This is insane. We don't know what is going on out there. We've got two scouts who haven't come back. Who knows what happened to them? There are tanks belonging to who knows who rattling around the countryside. We could be being invaded. Jimmy and I are supposed to be this town's protection? I write traffic tickets and deal with bored teenagers carrying cans of spray paint. I do not have gun battles with escaped convicts. I do not take on armored vehicles full of terrorist forces. I can't do this.

. . .

I knew something happened to them out there. Shep's probably dead. Gray's probably dead. I don't care about the medical state of that stranger. We need information, and we need it now. This is not about right or wrong; this is about us or them. We can't play nice here. "They're coming." Did no one else hear that? There's no nice way to take those words. We need to know what we're dealing with here. We need to know what's happening out there. We have to do what we have to do to be ready for whoever "they" are.

Heather

When someone offers to walk you home, you should talk to him. We need a topic of conversation. It needs to be something nonthreatening and not overly privacy invasive but preferably informative. Would you stop over thinking this? Gross, that place was so unsanitary. My estimation of your taste just plummeted like five percentage points. This is fun. What do they call this again? Bantering? That's what this is. I'm not altogether bad at this. I'm not even tripping over my words. Maybe I'm not so bad at talking to adults after all. One mysterious sound from the alleyway and the moment is broken - the perils of hanging out with the hero in residence.

. . .

Why was I here again? Gas. The clinic needs gas for the generator. I had an idea. I was coming to talk to him about the gas situation. Do that! Focus on the words. Look at the wall, at the floor, anywhere. Just get the words out! Done. You made it. It was kind of coherent even. Water pump? Yeah, let's go with that. It should work.

. . .

I guess gas stations have to cover their bases just like teachers do - we could leave an IOU. When all else fails, fall back on the paperwork. That always makes the administrative types feel better. I think he just realized that the administrative types are probably not in a position to care. He did; he knows. I don't have anything to say that will make that better for him. What can you say? Is that steel? We can't use that. I should have been more specific about the container. I should have just gone with him to get it. If I had, they wouldn't be up there arguing over who gets to take their chances on dying today. We need to stop thinking this over. And Jake wins the round of "I get to be in mortal peril" - big surprise there.

. . .

I knew the static was going to be a problem. We can't open it when it's like this. What are we going to do now? We can't just take this lightly. We are right next to the clinic. We have to consider what could happen if this thing blows up. Oh, my. I think I just saw my life flash before my eyes. I guess they are even for the day. You don't have time to dwell on that now. It's done; you just need to keep going. Getting the generator going is what is important right now. You can sit and think about what could have happened later - much later, when nobody will see you shaking.

. . .

They didn't make it. Is this what it's like out there? It's a long walk from Denver. Wasn't there anyone to help them on the way? The only thing we can do is bury them. What about the next group? Will we be able to help them? How do we make it better?

Jimmy

A twinge of guilt runs through me as I watch Bill back away. I don't want to touch him either. I have a wife and two kids. I love them, and I don't want to do anything that is going to lead to me leaving them. I help people all the time. That's my job, but this is different. How do I weigh security for my family against being kind to a complete stranger? Does that make me a bad person? Don't look at me like that. If it were you, I would help in a heartbeat. You're my friend. I wouldn't just let you lie there. That's different, isn't it?

. . .

I don't think I would have worded it that way, but Bill is right. We need some help here. The two of us can't handle all of this on our own. We need some people who are level-headed. We need some people who are calm in a crisis. This town needs to see people in authority who are handling things well. That will keep everybody calm, and keeping people calm will help keep order. Who is around that fits that description?

. . .

There's no electricity, and I'm still making the rounds breaking up a teenager's party. I guess it's better than having to take on a tank. Hasn't it sunk into that girl's head yet? When this stuff is gone, it's gone. Things aren't normal anymore, and she's going to have to learn that fast. They all are.

Jake

Walking a girl home, that's something I haven't done in ages. I had almost forgotten what it was like to just relax and not look over my shoulder. Is she insulting the Pizza Garden? I loved the Pizza Garden. That was the best place ever, and my dish washing skills were excellent. My mother would argue otherwise, but she doesn't need to know about that. It never lasts. There's always going to be something. Who breaks into a pharmacy? That was a stupid question. That'll be a fun way to end the evening - dealing with some detoxing addict looking for painkillers. How can they look at this man and not think that they need to help? What's wrong with them? Am I disgusted with them because they aren't going to do anything or because what they're saying reminds me that my first thought was to jump back away from him too?

. . .

She's embarrassed. That's so cute. I wonder how many different places she can find to look at before she's done talking. Is she even pausing to breathe? Is it physically possible to talk that fast and not get tongue tied? I guess so. That's a good idea. We'll need the pump and a storage container and a truck to move it with. I'll have to get Stanley to help and then hunt up whoever has the keys for the storage tanks at the station. It'll take a while to get everything together. Is she staring at the wall over my shoulder?

. . .

All their talk about keeping order and not letting people panic is coming down to this? Don't they realize that what they are doing is panicking? They're just doing it in a quieter manner. If they weren't in panic mode, they would realize what it is they are saying. They're suggesting that we throw out all the rules about the right and wrong way to do things and play it by ear. I've seen what happens when people do that. I've had a front row seat. I never thought I would see it happen here. Why are we the ones having this conversation? Where is Dad? We should be going out to help those people instead of sitting here debating how far we are willing to go on the off chance that we might get some information. There is no way I'm letting any of you be alone with him. Especially you. When did you end up in a decision making capacity? That was just a little too smooth of a transition from stranger to the trusted advisor category. I don't trust you.

. . .

We are too late. I'm too late. I should have gotten here faster. I shouldn't have waited to try to be sure of the location. I just should have come looking. I shouldn't have wasted time trying to talk other people into helping. I should have taken the ones I knew would come and gotten here sooner. It wouldn't have made any difference.

Allison

Other people have parents who drill their children on study questions for tests. I get to sit here and be coached on the best ways to lie. How's that for family bonding? Who does he think he is? He was gone for so long, and he just swoops back in out of nowhere and expects us to listen to him. That is so not going to happen. I am sick of being cooped up in this house. I am sick of listening to him talk like he is some kind of caring father who is worried about our welfare. I know my stupid story. I can recite it backwards for you. There is no way I could mix it up with my real life. I'll just substitute the complete opposite of everything that really happened. Don't you dare push me. I will push you back. You might get away with pushing Sam around. Mom may even let you jerk her around again. I won't. I remember what it was like before. You didn't care about us then, and you don't care about us now. Am I the only one who remembers how he got us here in the first place? Why are any of us listening to anything he has to say? I have got to get out of here.

. . .

She is right. There is nothing else to do around here. It's not like I'm going back to that house. It's a house. It is not my home, and I am going to stay away from it for as long as possible. I should have known that she didn't really mean it. Nobody invites the new kid anywhere. It was stupid of me to show up here. I should just leave. I can do this. None of these people care enough to ask me questions. Even if they did, I would be able to spout the answers off in my sleep. He can't tell me where I can and cannot go. Music, snacks, and boys will beat pretending we are a happy family any day. How did he end up patrolling with the police?

. . .

I am so busted. I don't even know what to expect. If it were Mom, I would know exactly what she was going to say and how she was going to say it. It has been four years. I don't remember what it was like to have him punish us. I don't think he was ever around to punish us. It was always Mom. She handled everything even before he was gone. I will sit here, and I will pretend like I am listening because it is the quickest way to get you to leave me alone. It doesn't change anything. You are still not in charge. You do not have my respect. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but I do not have to listen to you. Don't kiss me. You may be my father, but you are not my dad.

Johnston

"Limited resources" is just a code phrase for saying that you want to start turning people away. There is no use trying to talk around it. You can at least flat out admit what you are saying and own it. We are not going to go there if I can help it. Deciding that you are taking that route means that you are willing to start playing God. You start deciding who is worth more than someone else. You start deciding on values for people's lives. It doesn't matter that you start with the best of intentions - no one should be trusted with that kind of power. We're barely into this situation, and they're already wanting to start making tradeoffs. This could very well get a lot worse before it gets any better. If we are already willing to give up being the kind of people we have always tried to be, what's going to happen to us when those worse things come? What is that quote about not profiting by losing your soul? This community needs a reminder of what is at stake here. This isn't about the inconvenience of having to walk instead of driving a car, it isn't about having to make due without any electricity, and it isn't even about worrying over where our next meal is going to come from. This is so much bigger than that, and they all need to realize it. I think I'm going to have to make a speech.

Stanley

I can see that she is worried, so I tell her that I am fine. I use the sign without the words so that she knows that I am talking to her - only her. This is a private conversation. She needs to stop being worried and seeing this is not helping her. If I tell someone to take her out of here, she is going to flip out on me. Heather, come on, notice that she needs to go. This is not something that she needs to see. I can't take that expression on her face. I am supposed to protect her and keep her from ever having to look like that. It kills me that she is looking like that because of me. She is not supposed to worry about me; it is supposed to be the other way around. Bill and Jimmy are being jerks. Don't they realize that this could have been me? I could have been the one laying here dying. I could have died in that storm shelter, and this is what Bonnie would have had to watch. What would they have done then? Would they have just left me alone and let her watch it happen because they were scared? I've got news for them - I am scared. I am the one who has things to worry about. I am still petrified by the thought of what she could have had to go through. I'm petrified of what might still happen to her if she gets left on her own. I might still die from this. Mine will just be a different, slower form. Please don't make her watch that. She has had so many things happen to her already. Please don't let me be the reason she has to cope with any more grief. She deserves better than that.

. . .

Is there any fair way to settle this? I don't want either one of us to die. Why did she even have to tell us that it might blow up? It probably won't. We could have been perfectly happy not knowing that it was a possibility. I was the one out in the rain. I may as well be the one taking the extra chances. It is just like when we were kids - he orders and I follow without thinking about it. He is up there, and I'm down here just like that. Old habits are hard to break.

. . .

I can't believe I just did that. I could have killed all three of us. I could have left Bonnie on her own. I could have taken out half of the med center. What was I thinking? That we didn't have time for another argument? That Jake had taken a turn once already today? That it must be my turn to do something stupid? If this wasn't so serious, the look on Heather's face would be priceless. Now is not the time to think about that. This is not a joke.

April

How did we fall back into this trap so quickly? Was being in the shelter with me for a few hours and then having an actual dinner just too much for him to handle? Did he have to disappear and be off working on something for the town for half the night to get away from me? Where is he? Where is that man that was in the shelter with me? Where is the man who was actually with me? The one that I married? Why can't we keep things together out here? What's the difference? He just doesn't get it. I'm doing the best I can to keep things together here, but I can't do it all by myself. I need help. I need his help. I need to know that I can count on him. I need to know that he isn't going to disappear every time I turn around.

. . .

The man who just grabbed my arm and kept me from taking care of my patient is someone I don't even know. How can he be so callous? What happened to that man who was holding my hand while we watched over the baby? Listen to him trying to justify what he did. He doesn't even believe it himself. He's just trying to make himself feel better. He's trying to act like he isn't responsible. I can't even look at him right now. I'm so angry with him. How can he be both those men at once?

Gail

Knowing is different from seeing. You can throw the words radiation sickness around and know intellectually that they mean something bad. You might even have a picture tucked away in the back of your head of what you think that the burns might look like. It's like being in nursing school. You read the textbooks, and you memorize the words. You think that you know what you are getting yourself into, and then you go on your first hospital rotation. Nothing is the same as seeing. It could have been Jake. It could have been him so easily. If we hadn't gone together to the cemetery or he had come home a day earlier, this is the state he could be in somewhere. I would never have known for sure what had happened to him. I would have spent the rest of my life wondering. Somebody somewhere is wondering about this man. I know exactly how they feel.

. . .

I'm proud of the way she is handling the stress here today. She jumped right in to do whatever she could for that man without a second thought. She is keeping control of a staff that is frightened. She is bordering on being completely exhausted, and she is still putting all of her focus on her patients. She isn't settling for the easy way out. She's trying to do the best for all of them, but it's starting to take a toll on her. I can see that she's getting nervous about what happens next. She needs to know that she isn't alone in all of this. She has help that she can rely on. She needs to know that she's taking the right path. We have to do whatever we can for whoever we can for however long we can. That's the only way that any of us are going to make it through these challenges.

. . .

Bonnie is still hovering around his room. I know why, but there isn't anything I can say to her that will help. There is only one person that will be able to say the things that she needs to hear, and I am not sure if he is ready to do that yet. The two of them will have to work this out together. If it makes her feel better to keep an eye on him, then this is where she should be. They don't give that girl nearly enough credit. She's been through a lot in her life, and she's tough. Besides, aren't I hovering around this room for the same reason? I'm trying to be a proxy for the people that can't be here for him because I was close to being them. Don't think. Just do. You know what needs to be done. This is where you can help. This is where you can do something instead of sitting around waiting. Keep trying. Think about Jake. What if it was him surrounded by strangers? You would want them to keep trying.

Back to Bonnie

I came back to check on you. I was thinking that if your family was here, they would talk to you. Sometimes it takes new people a long time to understand the way that I talk, so I didn't know if that was a good idea. Then, I thought that since you aren't awake, that maybe I could just think about what I wanted to say to you and that would count. I thought that you might still know that someone was with you. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. So, can we try it? Stanley, that's my brother, went to go get gas for the generator. It's keeping the machines running to help you breathe. Don't worry. He'll be back soon. Dr. Green is a really good doctor, and she wants to help you. Mrs. Green has been checking on you too. She used to be a nurse, and she is still good at helping people. I'm sorry that your family isn't with you. I know they want to be. My parents were in the hospital when I was really little, and I know that I wish I could have been with them. We won't let you be alone. When Stanley gets back, Mrs. Green will stay with you. I'll have to go with him because we need to talk. He isn't as good at listening as you are. I'm worried about him. He was out in rain that might have had radiation in it. It wasn't as bad as what you got, but I don't know what is going to happen. He doesn't want me to worry, but I worry about a lot of things. Doesn't your family worry about you? I'm sure they do. That's what families do. They worry about each other, and they find ways to take care of each other. Is your family at home, or did they have to leave it? We have had the same home my entire life, but we might have to leave. I hope your family still has their home. I'm sorry that some of the nurses are being so mean about coming in here. They just don't understand. I understand because of Stanley. I wouldn't want him to be alone either. That's how I know how your family feels. They want you to get better. I know they do. Could you try for them? I know it would make them happy to know you were trying. Can I confess something? I'm being very selfish. I do know that your family wants you to get better so you can go home to them, but I want you to try too. Remember when I told you that you're sicker than my brother is going to get? If you get better, then I know that he will be fine. So, could you keep trying for your family and for me? Mrs. Green is here. She'll take good care of you. I'll be back later.