Journeys and Destinations
Chapter Four: Decisions of the Past
Several weeks later, Leia sat in her office and stared at her holoscreen. Her Aunt Sola had written her. The two had been exchanging notes for the past few months, keeping in touch and continuing to get to know each other. Sola had danced around the topic of their conversation in all of her previous communications. She would speak of the Queen's political concerns and of Naboo's upcoming elections and appointments, but never anything specifically mentioning Leia or pressing her for a decision. That is until this note today.
Leia had read the note several times over, yet the words didn't get any easier to absorb. It seemed the Queen was anxious to hear of Leia's thoughts and had even requested a meeting between the two of them. Sola indicated that the Queen was open to several different opportunities for Leia and, showing signs that they may be reacting to Leia's hesitation, indicated that perhaps a Senatorial position had been too aggressive on their part. She read over the many different options that the Queen and her cabinet had discussed as possibilities for their newest royal ascendant and political ally. From Senator to an adviser like her cousin, all the positions seemed tempting and thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.
However, for all the implications that the political opportunities brought forward, it was a few, short, perhaps last minute thoughts that her aunt had added in a post script that weighed most heavily on Leia's mind.
P.S. My dearest Leia, I am not alone when I say that your family feels that this opportunity to have you here on Naboo, not only serving your people, but becoming close with your family, would be a double blessing. We look forward to hearing from you soon.
During Leia's visit to Naboo she had felt overwhelmed by the discovery of her family. She feared that everyone held these expectations of her, wanted something from her or wanted a piece of her and she wondered just how much of herself that she had left to give. Overall the trip had been exhausting as all of these anxieties had eaten away at her.
But hindsight, such as it is, had changed the visit in Leia's eyes. She smiled every time she thought of the warm embrace that she had received from her grandparents. And she replayed the stories of her mother that she had heard over and over in her mind so that she wouldn't very soon forget them. There was a moment, walking through the Palace Gardens with Queen Jahara, when Leia had felt a cool sensation pass over her at the realization that she was standing in the exact same spot that her mother had once stood and she was able to relive that feeling now almost on demand.
All of these memories played together and Leia realized that finding her family had not taken pieces from her, it had made her complete. And she found now that she was away from them, she felt like a piece of her was missing. She had feared that she would not feel a part of this something that had been hidden from her all of her life, but somehow she did now without any conscious effort on her part. Like a key that is useless until you find the correct lock. Something had broke free inside of her and these pieces had flooded in, quickly and easily finding their places inside of her heart as if they had always belonged there but were merely waiting for the invitation to enter and make themselves at home.
She yearned to be surrounded by her family again. The many stories she had yet to hear seemed to call to her with a tempting whisper. She looked across her desk to the map of the galaxy mounted on her wall. The galaxy, which for so many years now had been a multitude of planets sprinkled before her, no one special amongst the others, now became a universe surrounded by one place. Naboo caught her eye right away, like one's home planet will do.
Turning towards the window, Leia felt panicked and the sensation that she was suffocating nearly overwhelmed her. She stood up and walked to the window, watching the busy city dart about her in the skies and the street below. Should embracing Naboo feel like she was betraying Alderaan? Right or wrong, it did. But can one really turn their back on something that isn't there? Alderaan would always be her home, but it was never coming back.
Her time working towards and becoming Senator for Alderaan had been some of the happiest of her life and she couldn't deny that her aunt's proposal reminded her of that time and almost seemed an offer to recapture the past. This was exactly what she had seen and envied in Chewie's position on Kashyyyk; an opportunity to represent a people, fight with a passion and…have a place to call home.
It shouldn't have been a great mystery to her that she missed having a home planet, but when those words trickled through her mind she felt a wave of nausea pass over her and she was shocked by the violent reaction. She pressed her hands and leaned her forehead against the cool glass as she tried to steady herself. Watching her breath create a fog against the window, she took a deep breath and straightened herself up.
Her father had always told her that remembering and honoring and learning from one's past was vitally important, but never at the expense of looking to the future. She had certainly been guilty of doing that already in her short life. Was she making that same mistake now?
Her mind slowly shifted into problem-solving mode. If she were to do this she would have to leave Coruscant and her role in the New Republic. Perhaps she could take a sabbatical and if things didn't work out she could return. But if she left to do this, wouldn't it be like admitting that she wasn't happy or fulfilled with her role and would she really want to return to it? Or would they want her back? She ran her finger down the tiny circle of condensation that her breath had left on the window.
And then she thought of Han and she wondered why she still hadn't told him or talked to him about the whole idea. Was it because she was genuinely not interested in the position? Leia walked back over to her desk and sat in front of the holoscreen once again. Looking back at her aunt's words, she shook her head. Could it more likely be that her genuine interest in the position scared her? And that Han would press her on it either way?
Resting her elbows on her desk, she cradled her head in her hands. So much of her life, for so many years, had felt out of her control. She wondered when she would feel as though her feet were firmly planted beneath her and that her destiny was in her hands. Marrying Han had been one of the few things that had made her feel that way. And although the decision to marry him was a fairly quick and easy one, she was reminded of the years she wasted fighting her feelings for him, denying herself a happiness that she now couldn't imagine ever living a single second without.
Sighing heavily, she closed her aunt's note and went back to work.
Lounging on the sofa her next day off, Leia sat with her feet propped up on the kaffe table. Han was sprawled out across the sofa with his head resting on her thigh as she lazily ran her fingers through his unruly hair. The sound of the apartment's bell broke the silence that had settled over the room.
"You expecting anyone?" Leia ventured as Han looked up at her.
"Not particularly," he answered as he lifted his head to allow her to rise up off the sofa.
Leia looked back down at him suspiciously before she walked toward the door and checked the holomonitor.
"Luke!" She squealed as she palmed the door open. "What are you doing here?" she asked while still wrapped up in a giant hug.
"Well," Luke started and then looked at Han, who had gotten off of the sofa and was walking towards them.
"You knew?" Leia accused her husband, and then shaking her head, said, "At least you could have told me to get dressed this morning." Both Han and Leia were still sporting their pajamas and robes.
"Naw," Luke argued as he set his bag down, "I like getting to see you relaxed for a change. Besides, I don't ever want to be treated like company."
"I promise you, you'll never have to worry about that with me," Han replied as he gave his brother-in-law a quick hug.
"Where's Nadia?" Leia asked.
"No Nadia this trip. Just me and just for a couple of days."
"Well, come on in and get settled while I go and get dressed," Leia replied as Han and Luke made their way to the living room and Leia disappeared into her bedroom.
The trio headed to the outskirts of Coruscant where an old town sat nestled around several small lakes. They walked along the city streets, touring some of its older homes and shopping along the way. Why her husband and her brother had not only suggested to do this today, but seemed to be enjoying themselves, momentarily baffled Leia. Recalling her mood of late, and watching Han hover over her, she did land on some pretty good ideas, though.
At dinner that evening, seated at a small table in a quaint restaurant overlooking one of those lakes, Luke turned to Leia and asked, "Oh, I've been meaning to ask you, what are your thoughts about that Senatorial position on Naboo? Aunt Sola told me that you and she spoke about it."
If he had come right out and punched her in the mouth it would have been less of a shock. Willing herself not to look at Han, she shook her head and looked down at her plate as she answered, "I really don't think it's a good idea."
Whether through the Force, or her body language or Han's body language, Luke let the question drop there and much to Leia's surprise, Han didn't push the issue or question her about it. In fact, the three of them finished their meal, including a delightful dessert, and headed back to the Solo's apartment without any further incidents.
Arriving at their apartment at a very late hour, they said their good-nights to Luke. Luke headed for his "dedicated" guest room and Han and Leia retired to their bedroom. Leia went straight into the 'fresher, which was a normal routine for the two. However, standing in front of the large mirror as she began to remove her jewelry and makeup, Leia jumped when the 'fresher door opened and Han strode in.
The waves of simmering anger hit her before the sound of his actual words did, as he began, "Senator for Naboo? This isn't something you thought you should discuss with me?"
She turned to look at him, his anger only fueling her defenses. "No, I wasn't even considering it. There was nothing to discuss," she replied, and lied, as she turned to the mirror and began taking her hair down.
"Come off it, Leia. There's a reason you didn't tell me."
This time she moved her eyes towards his reflection and their gazes locked through the mirror as she countered, "I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell." The words sounded hollow even to her own ears and she watched Han's chest swell as he drew in a deep breath.
"You mean to tell me that this didn't interest you in the slightest? After everything you've been telling me about Chewie's position and Luke's relationship with his students…about your time as Senator of Alderaan? None of that had anything to do with anything?"
Each of his arguments hit her like waves lapping up on the shore. Why did she continue to try and convince herself that she could hide things from someone who knew her so well? Looking back at her own reflection in the mirror, she replied, "It doesn't matter. I made a commitment to the New Republic-"
"Fuck the New Republic, Leia!" Han yelled as her eyes rose up quickly to meet his in the mirror once again. "You've done enough for the New Republic! I've done enough for the New Republic! Luke and Chewie have done enough for the New Republic! When will it be time for you to do something for yourself?" And then as if he couldn't speak to her reflection any longer, he grasped her arm and turned her to him and as their eyes met, he continued, "How many Death Stars do we have to blow up, Leia? How many times do we have to put our lives on the line, or our lives on hold, until it'll finally be enough?" Letting go of her arm he lowered his voice and said, "Look around you. Chewie's moved on. Your brother's moved on. I'm moving on."
Looking into his eyes, she shook her head and whispered, "I don't know what you want me to say."
He took a step towards her and placed both his hands on her arms as he pleaded, "It's simple. I want you to look at me and tell me that you're happy."
Leia's mouth immediately dropped open but no sound would come out. 'It's simple.' She shook her head painfully slow, bit her lip and swallowed the lump in her throat. 'I want you to look at me…' There was a knot in the pit of her stomach that seemed to tighten with each shallow breath. '…and tell me that you're happy.' Her stomach burned but she couldn't force even one sound out of her mouth.
Han whispered into her silence, "Leia, I have always supported you. Supported your decisions as long as they made you happy. But I cannot sit back and support you on something that is clearly not making you happy."
"What decisions have I made?" she croaked out in disbelief and as she felt the knot inside of her snap loose, a rush of anger swelling to the surface as her voice rose and she said, "You act like we haven't made these decisions together!"
"What decisions?" Han asked her incredulously as he dropped his hands down to his sides. "Try living on Coruscant? Working for the New Republic? Children?"
Words that had felt like waves just moments ago had turned into painful lashes. A tingling sensation washed over her as she clenched her hands into fists. Pressing her lips together, her only response was a stony glare.
Responding to her silence, Han continued, "These are all things that maybe didn't seem like decisions to you because you didn't put them up for debate. But they were decisions you made that affected both of us."
Unclenching her fists, Leia shuffled on her feet as she watched Han's face soften.
Taking a deep breath, Han continued, "Look, I made a lot of…choices before I met you that I know we both had to pay for. I know what I brought to the table and I have been more than willing to let you-"
"Are you comparing my choice not to have children or to work for the New Republic to running spice for Jabba the Hutt?"
"You know what I'm trying to say, Leia. Don't spin it around on me."
Leia knew exactly what Han was trying to say but that didn't make it any better for her. She knew how much he still berated himself for what happened to her not only during his rescue but what she had sacrificed to even come and rescue him. Regardless, she had never asked him to repent for that by blindly accepting her every decision. The thought that he might have done just that made her eyes cross in fury.
Her hands tensed back up into fists and she felt her neck burning red as she spit the words out. "So if my decisions have been so wrong, then please tell me what I'm supposed to do! Please take control of my life since I'm failing so miserably at it!"
"This." Han shot back as he raised his finger and pointed at her. "This is what I'm talking about." And as he looked down at her fists and then back up at her face, he continued, "This is who you are on Coruscant. I want the Leia that I see on Yavin and Kashyyyk and on a beach in Naboo. The Leia that I get when she's anywhere but here!"
These words hit her like punches to the gut and she felt the tightness creep up into her chest and wrap around her heart, squeezing tight like her clenched fists.
Han took a few deep breaths and then lowered his voice as he said, "That's the Leia I married." And after another long, deep breath, he said, "And if you can't find her here, then here is not where we're supposed to be."
She released her hands and pressed them against her thighs as she inhaled a deep breath. Looking at him a moment she held his gaze. "You told me you would support my decision not to have children." The words felt large and painful, creeping up out of her throat. If there was any decision that Leia had not taken lightly, it was that one.
He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "That's not what this is about, Leia."
A problem that had seemed so large and suffocating for the past few months seemed minuscule in comparison now. She hardly ever fought with Han, not like this and it was terrifying for her. Terrifying because she knew that he had a right to be angry that she had been hiding this from him. But also terrifying because of all the things she cherished in this galaxy, there was nothing or no one more important to her than her husband.
She replayed parts of their argument through her mind. Why couldn't she just tell him she was happy where she was? She couldn't even force herself to say the words. She knew that she had harbored reservations about her role in the New Republic from the very beginning, but was she really that unhappy?
Then she wondered why it had taken Han so long to say these things to her, but she knew that was unfair. Recalling the last few months, she knew that he had been pressing her to talk to him but that she had refused or evaded his questions. Initially she had been relieved when Han hadn't fought her on those things, but now she almost wished that he had.
But she couldn't blame him for her duplicity. There was no way that she would have not worked for the New Republic, at least for a short time. But was that time up now? She didn't quite understand herself why she felt compelled to live a life that clearly wasn't making her happy, as Han had so eloquently pointed out. Would another role make a difference or was it something much larger than a career and even a family that stood in the way of her happiness?
Han had let her stew in her thoughts as he watched her. When she looked back up at him, he said, "I'm sorry."
She wondered what he was sorry for. For telling her what she needed to hear? Or for letting it go on for this long without truly pressing her on it? Regardless, it was so much easier to be angry with him than at herself and his apology seemed to fuel her frustration with the entire issue. Finally she responded, "So am I," as she brushed past him and exited the 'fresher.
