Concerning Queen Evelyn, the Mighty, Mysterious, Last Gryffindor of Ravenclaw and her Adventures with Sirius Black

Disclaimer: I do not own The Harry Potter series, nor is this story intended as a commercial exploit.

Chapter Five: The Attack From a Black

Ravenclaw 6th Year Girls' Dorm Room.

Just woke up abruptly from a nap due to a very bad dream. In it, my mum and dad were having their Annual Family Tribunal—it escapes me as to why they call it a "Family" Tribunal when kids are not allowed—and betrothing me to Nicolai Lestrange, who is a third year Slytherin and not at all good-looking, unless you like hawk-noses and I do not.

I am feeling paranoid and very much aware that other people control my livelihood. In the future, I have to learn to not let my imagination run away with me before I take my naps. It only leads to bad things.

I wonder, how awful would it be, really, to be betrothed to a third year?

Most likely pretty awful. I'd have to wait four years to do the deed officially (unless my parents have regressed to the reactionary and archaic tradition of pre sac-dropping copulation a la all of our medieval kings) and I'd be teased mercilessly by Lucille. I'm positive it'd be more proactive to self-castrate in that situation. No sex is better than bad sex, as they say.

Looking around the room, I see Mara Dice is giving me one of Her Ugly Looks and that is cheering me right up. Well, we know that Mara can only have ugly looks, as her face is two parts cow and one part the backside of an orangutan, but they are a good way to tell her mood. If she has anything to be unhappy over, then everyone knows the rest of the day is going to be happy and bright.

Considering all that's happened since term began one week ago, I know I am in for more excitement, but if one were to ask, I will just settle for things being mediocre. Exciting Things have lately been wearing me out. Testament to this statement are the goings on of last night.

Coming up from my Prefect patrolment, my miscreant quota not having been yet reached, Sirius Black cornered me on my way into the Common Room.

After finding out from his Head of House and Evans that he now had to take tutoring lessons in History of Magic from some 6th year snot, Black sneaked up to the 5th floor during my shift, while I was blissfully chasing down fourth-years. Stealth Guy from the M15 couldn't have waited until normal business hours, because the situation was too dire for that apparently, and needed correction a.s.a.p.

I knew Black could not actually get in to Ravenclaw Tower since he's dumber than my big toe, but it is not a nice feeling to see him attempt to creep into an environment I am usually quite comfortable in. I was quite uncomfortable last night, that's for sure.

He was leaning against The Doorway looking like he had designed it, built it, and owned it, when I turned the corner, and our conversation went as follows:

"Oh! Um, hello?"

"Are you Ransom?" Black asked, in his great effrontery, since he of course knew my name from countless family balls and years spent together at school. "Lily described you as having dark hair."

"I do have dark hair," I pointed out the obvious.

Sirius Black shook his head. "No," he said. "No, it's more tawny than dark."

"Did you need something?" I said, wanting to move the inevitable along. "A color-wheel, perhaps?"

"Lil-Evans…told me that you've been picked by McGonagall to tutor me?" Black stared somewhere between my eyebrows, like he was afraid to look me in the eyes. Belatedly I realized he was asking a question and wanted me to nod my head, so I did. Black unfolded his arms and gave me probably what he thought was his best charming smile. "I'm here to tell you that I don't need a tutor. So really, you don't have to waste your time trying to cram Binns's notes into my head, because I know it won't take. I've decided I'm going to drop the class, anyway. I don't know why I took it last year to begin with."

"Well, okay," I said, not convinced the matter was over at all, since McGonagall clearly ruled his House with her iron curtain, and then thought of something, "Does that mean I can go into my Common Room?"

Black barked with laughter. "You're funny!" he said. "What was your name again? Raisin?"

I rolled my eyes. "Ransom," I corrected. "My first name is Evelyn."

"Eee-valyn," repeated Black, looking amused, drawing out the syllables. "That's an old lady's name."

"It's traditional."

Black shrugged again. "Another word for 'old'."

"Well," I said. "Your name's not too hot, either, Sirius. They stopped using stars for names back when we realized we could make names up."

"Seriously?"

"Merlin's Blue Balls, that's not at all funny. You need to get a new joke. It's been six years."

"I thought it was funny. Apparently, you have no sense of humor at all since you don't think so too. Too bad! I had such high hopes!"

"You just said I did have a sense of humor though," I reminded him.

"Well, I changed my mind."

"Well, why don't you go away then?" I pantomimed Brushing Away A Fly by flapping my hand. "You've said what you came here to tell me. And you're blocking the entrance. I need to get in."

I had made the decision to move around him, but for some strange reason my body wouldn't cooperate. Distinctive animal magnetism at work apparently. We see it all the time in the wild when the male lion just struts up to the female's behind and penetrates and the female moans in torture. I was stuck in the spot I had stopped in. Black still stood by the door and I still stood five feet away. I had enough peace of mind, however, to deliberately affect standoffishness lest he get it into his thick head to perform more Antiquated Gryffindor Intimidation Techniques on me, like pointing his finger or glaring.

"Excuse me!" I said, hoping that might jumpstart my nerve. Black gave me a blank stare, like he did not understand even social nicety. "'Excuse' me mean's I'd like to get through, Black. I really do have to go inside. I have, ironically enough, History of Magic at 0900 tomorrow morning. I need my rest. So…"

Inexplicably, and without a fight, Black moved away finally and gestured me in front of him.

"Thanks."

I watched him with wary eyes.

"Don't look so shocked!" Black said. "I'm not an ogre! I realize it's late and you've probably had a time of it, patrolling the halls. I'm only sorry I've been holding you back for so long!"

"It's, uh, it's okay," I said.

"So, just to make sure…" I sighed, but met his eyes. Of course it wasn't over. "You're not going to tutor me, right? Am I right? Because it really is a stupid idea. If I'm not going to be in the class anyway, then there's no point!"

I gave a shrug of my own. This one, in my opinion, was much more arrogant and elegant-looking than Black's could ever hope to be, because I have had much more practice. Not sure if that's a compliment or not.

"It depends on your Head of House, Black" I said. "It looks like we're both just pawns right now so I doubt what we want has any sway whatsoever. Instead of having a talk with me, why don't you go to McGonagall?"

"That's shite," said Black. "You can just make everything easy by refusing to tutor me. I know that you know McGonagall won't go for it any other way. I've heard things about you. You're Every Teacher's Pet."

"How do you know?" I asked a bit testily. "You apparently don't know me at all! You thought my name was, 'Raisin' not one minute ago."

"Raisin…Ransom."

"Arsehole…Asshole…" I had a second where I quelled under Black's stare but in the end I held strong because I am a strong woman. "You're right!" I said triumphantly. "They sound remarkably similar! Go U.S.A."

"Take that back!" Black said.

I sighed. "You disappoint me! Where's all that venom I was so fond of in third year?"

For once, Black's face showcased a genuine emotion and that was confusion. "What are you talking about? I've been—."

"What? Behaving irrationally? Preventing me from sleep? Nevermind, Black. I'll try to talk to McGonagall for you, but I have already had a similar conversation with her, and it turns out that if I help you, I not only get extra points in Transfiguration Class but I also get a long-winded recommendation for whatever career I want. So it works out well for me if I tutor you."

"But I don't want you to tutor me!" Black whined like a little boy.

"Well, all life can't be all flowery and peaches," I said. "You get stung once in a while, and the juice turns sour, Black. This is putting me out a little too. Before Evans told me you needed a tutor, I already had other Commitments I needed to handle." There was Quidditch, for instance. Try-outs were coming up and I had to practice. And there were naps. I loved naps, as this entry's introduction has attested.

Looking shocked, Black said, "Well, so sorry I am inconveniencing you! But you know how to fix it, Raisin!"

"I do. Maybe I will."

"Will you?"

"I'll think about it," I said.

Black nodded. "See that you do. I am late for an appointment now, in the Tower…" I rolled my eyes. "But find me tomorrow during breakfast, alright? Tell me your final decision."

"Fine. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Once he was out of sight, I let out a very great scream.

The Great Hall.

There are a lot of things I don't like about boys my age. Their disgusting-ness. Their arrogance, even when they are outwardly shy. I think I hate their undying rudeness the most. Sirius Black is a Rude Boy, and as such, I don't like him very much. Or any at all.

That last statement should be unqualified and obvious, but there are times when I feel that since Black has ignored me so much over the past couple of years, and since he obviously doesn't remember the attention he paid me in third year, he no longer deserves this concentrated animosity. And then he does something like blow me off in front of everyone in The Great Hall when I am trying to ask him a simple question about his schedule, and I am brought back to why I have so tenaciously stuck to my disliking…ment of him. He's a prize arse.

"Well?" asked Lucille, as I grumpily sat back down at our Table. "What did he say to you?"

"He wouldn't even acknowledge me!" I said. "Wouldn't even look up. Kept giggling with his bosom friends."

"Oh!" said Tamara. "How mean!"

"Yes," I agreed. "See that I see he gets the worst time of it in the world after I talk with Flitwick. Thinks he can blow me off?" I groused. "Well, not likely!"

"Why not ask Black's Head of House?" Lucille wondered.

"Flitwick is nicer!" I responded. "And he doesn't like Black."

"And McGonagall does?"

I nodded, because this was something I had put some thought into recently. McGonagall obviously cared enough for Black to see he made an extra NEWT this year, even if it was in a class everyone and their mother hated. I didn't hate it, however, and that made me the last true student. "I think McGonagall puts up a front of being offended by Black and Potter and the rest of them, but secretly, she loves all of it. She loves the fact that while it's true, Black and Potter are very annoying, they're still two of the…ahem…smartest wizards in their year, and she loves that she has them in Her House, because they make her House popular."

Cam blinked. "I see."

I nodded at her then preoccupied myself with tapping my goblet with my wand so The House Elves would fill it with Pumpkin Juice. "Indeed!"

"Well, what are we going to do about him, then?" Lucille burst. "Are you still going to tutor him?"

"By Morgana's Crackly Tit, yes, I am." Black's snub just now had annoyed me like nothing else could. Down The Table, I saw Mara giving me a chilly pervert wink. I will qualify, and say Black's snub had annoyed me almost as much as nothing else could. "I am going to be on that boy like a burr! Like the white on rice. He will have such a good grade when I'm done with him, he'll be unrecognizable!"

"In third year, you swore that you would never help him ever again," Lucille said. "Remember?"

I did, but that was not important. "If I just think of Black as a regular student…" I began.

Lucille and Camilla started laughing. "Good luck with that!" they cried.

Tamara held out a serving dish to me. "Eggs?"

After breakfast, I said goodbye to my friends and decided to change my course of action. First I would inform Professor McGonagall of her delinquent student's reticence to be around me, and then, if she did not care or seem to want to change anything about it, which we have to assume is a distinct possibility going by her sterling personality alone, I would go to Professor Flitwick, and complain. See that that little goblin-man didn't do something to solve this problem for his favorite student!

Or at least I assume I'm his favorite student. I haven't been told anything to the contrary and I certainly haven't asked for verification. All I can run on are assumptions. And one must take advantage of assumptions otherwise opportunities slip by, don't they?

I hitched up my bag and walked to The Head Table where most of the Professors, McGonagall among them, were still munching along. "Yes?" Professor McGonagall asked, noting my presence aimed in her direction. "What can I do for you, Miss Ransom?"

"Hello, professor. Are you aware that Mr. Black does not want to be tutored?" I said.

Professor McGonagall took a moment to set down her eating utensils. Then she gave me one of her standard threatening looks. "I was aware, Miss Ransom. But I confess that I had hoped you could change his mind about it. I am sad to see this is not so."

"I can't change his mind," I said. "He really doesn't want a tutor. He visited me in the Tower last night and said as much."

"Did he? How very proactive of him. It's unfortunate, however, that it is not up to Mr. Black whether he wants to fail History of Magic or not."

Still I tried. "But Mr. Black told me that he wanted to drop the class."

"Oh, he will not do that!" Professor McGonagall exclaimed. Most students were leaving The Hall, so she rose from her seat, quickly searching, presumably for the man in question. "Mr. Black! Mr. Black!" she called, sounding like any maiden aunt suffering through 30 years of dry spell. They are pitifully unaware of the effect their screeching has on everyone. "Can you come up here for a minute?"

Sirius Black saluted her—though he did not move from his place on The Gryffindor Bench one inch. "Yes, Minnie!"

"Oh, Merlin."

For a moment, Professor McGonagall's lips pressed together in a firm line. I could not believe Black's audacity. "Mr. Black!" she said again, now clearly furious. "Up this instant!"

A second later, Black joined us at The Head Table. He looked especially angry at me for ruining his breakfast. Angry enough to duel me, even, and I'm not sure I wanted that, since my hair was only just finally lying straight, and vigorous exercise would make it stick up again.

I guess it's not that hard of a stretch of the mind to note that Black wants to duel with someone, though. I hear Black tries to duel someone every day—Severus Snape from Slytherin being of course his preferred victim of choice. Thinking that it would annoy Black, I decided to wave at his Slytherin whoopee cushion. Snape, in turn, tripped over his feet when he saw that someone wearing a skirt was acknowledging him, but I had succeeded in getting Black to frown harder at me, so Snape's momentary embarrassment was worth it.

"He's a Slytherin!" Black hissed like that was tantamount to The Worst Insult Ever. "He's a Death Eater!"

"Mr. Black!" Professor McGonagall remonstrated. "That is enough! You are up here to discuss with me about why, it seems, you feel you do not need a tutor! Not to gossip about other students!"

"Sorry, Minnie, my heart, it won't happen again!"

Professor McGonagall nodded before she could stop herself I think. "See that it doesn't." She paused, thinking over her next words. "…When I talked with you the other day about your grades last term, Mr. Black, and said that you needed to apply yourself more, I did not mean that you should feel free to apply yourself to dropping any classes!"

Sirius pouted at her. "They are my classes to drop," he said. "I don't see why I can't drop them."

"Be that as it may, Mr. Black, I don't want you to drop History of Magic. It is a simple thing of not studying the material that has you so hung up—."

"Actually, Professor McGonagall," Black interrupted in what was a glorious show of characteristic mule-headedness. Even professors, Black argues with. "Binns's class is just too boring for me. It's too boring for anyone to get a good grade in." Black glanced at me. "Except maybe Raisin over here. Why do you like the class, Raisin? Is it because you think ghosts are romantic?"

"No," I said, confused as to how he could get up and dress himself in the morning if this was an example of how oppressingly stupid he was. "It's because history is romantic." You dumbarse, I added silently.

"I agree, Miss Ransom," Professor McGonagall said, with a nod. "Which is why, Mr. Black, Flitwick and I chose her to tutor you."

"I am going to drop the class."

"No, you will not!" McGonagall ordered. "History of Magic is an important class and you will not drop it, Mr. Black!"

"I don't need it to become an Auror!" Black replied. "I already have five other NEWT classes."

"You will not drop it, Mr. Black!" Professor McGonagall reiterated. "If I have to talk to The Headmaster to make sure you don't, I will, but you are staying and attempting this course!"

"Well, fine Minnie," Black said obnoxiously. "You can go do that. Class is starting in five minutes though, so I think Raisin and I need to leave. As much fun as having this conversation was…"

"Two points from Gryffindor for your cheek, Mr. Black!" McGonagall said, though she looked a bit frantic that she might be late to her first class too. The professor pushed back her chair and stood up. "Miss Ransom," she nodded at me, "I would like to finish this conversation later. I will send you a note sometime within the hour with more information."

"Of course, Professor McGonagall. Have a pleasant day."

"You too, Miss Ransom." McGonagall gave Black One Last Quelling Look then went on her way out The Hall.

Wanting to be able to say I left Black standing there to other people, I started walking away.

"Hey!" Black called. "Wait up a moment!"

"No, no," I said, looking over my shoulder at him. "You were right! Class does start in five minutes." I swept my wand in a Tempus Spell. "Actually, four minutes. Gotta jet, you see."

"Minnie sure doesn't know how to take a joke, does she?" said Black, catching me up.

"What?"

"I mean, it is my class to drop." He took a moment to smile at what had to be my very scandalized expression. "I should be able to drop it."

Not wanting to believe that Regular Human Rights' Rules applied to Sirius Black when he so often flouted them for other people, I shook my head. "No. You shouldn't. Now I have History of Magic with the romantic ghost now so…you realize you are walking the wrong way, don't you, Black?" I said, absolutely gob-smacked he was still walking next to me. "I don't know what class you have, but I know it's not with the 6th years."

"I can miss a couple minutes," he said. "It doesn't matter."

"Well, it matters to me. Don't get in trouble on my account."

"But I wouldn't!" Black said. "That's the thing! Everyone saw us talking with McGonagall, so they'll just assume that's where we are now!'

"Well, I still have to get to class."

"Oh, I see," Black nodded, "You don't want to skive off then? Join me for a little stroll?"

"That would be a 'no'," I said.

"No?"

I nodded, Inescapably Thankful that I saw my classroom in the very near distance. I was the only one of My Fellow Ravenclaw Girls who took it, so no one was waiting outside for me. No one to see that Black and I were talking. All Good. Good. "That would be a 'hell no'."

Black looked like he had all Sorts Of Things To Say, but contented himself with only telling me "Goodbye then."

I waved him off. "Goodbye."

Merlin! Now you see why I need my naps!