A Mess of Things

Chapter 3

By Shaid

April 22nd, 1997, the day after the test.

Angela POV

It was amazing to me how fast life could change, even the big things. Especially the big things.

The biggest moments in our lives often went overlooked by the rest of the world. I knew that was just how the world worked; something altered your life completely, so completely that nothing would ever be the same and you felt like everyone knew, like it's so big and life altering everyone could see what had happened to you. But they can't. So while I was wandering around in an emotional hurricane, life went on around me as usual.

I was still reeling from yesterday, my mind nowhere near calm. Oddly enough, Jordan kept me anchored. Who would have thought that Jordan Catalano could be so... sweet and wonderful? I knew he was as shaken up about things as I was, but just the fact that he was there, that he was standing by me, made me feel a whole lot more stable. Rayanne had been smiling all day, glancing at me slyly. I had wanted to smack her upside the head before she clued everyone in.

My relationship with Rayanne had changed over the years. We fought, a lot actually; "Drama" might as well have been Rayanne's middle name. I couldn't even count how many times we'd stopped talking to each other. But we've also always been there for each other, like sisters, even if she is a/the sister I don't always like. I loved her, crazy as she was, almost as much as I loved Danielle. She'd gone back into therapy soon after the whole mess in sophomore year and things had slowly gotten better after that. Rayanne was happier, a bit saner and sober.

The trip to Rayanne's apartment had been only slightly strained. Jordan didn't like giving her a ride anywhere, but he was fine with Ricky in the car. He kept the music up loud and Ricky talked enough to cover any awkward silences. Before following the two of them up the stairs, I kissed Jordan and promised to call later. He held me a little closer than usual, his arms tight around my waist. "Love you," he whispered against my hair.

"Love you, too," I whispered back.

For a little while we just hung out; Rayanne told us about what she and Tino did last weekend at the Lava Lounge and Ricky talked about the weird indie film he'd gone to with Delia. Both of them were insisting that Jordan and I needed to be at the next Rocky Horror night at the Beehive. We'd been a couple times last year but Rayanne was on the cast now (as Magenta, of course) and felt I'd make a wonderful Janet and that Jordan would be great as Rocky.

"With you as Janet, Ricky as Frank, Jordan as Rocky and me as Magenta, the theater would be packed! We'd be a sure hit!" she giggled.

"I'd rather be Brad," Ricky complained. "But without the dorky clothes."

"You know Jordan isn't interested in this at all, right?" I pointed out. "He'll take us there and back, even hang out in the audience if I'm there with him, but he'd never get up there and act. Plus, if I'm Janet, don't I have to be like, almost naked?" She rolled her eyes at me like it was no big deal. To her, maybe it wasn't.

"He's a performer, Angela. He gets up in front of hundreds of people and sings on a regular basis. Like, for money. This wouldn't be much different," she persisted. I shook my head and she snorted at me. "Whatever. So, Angelika, are you going to tell Ricky your big news or should I?" I sat back on the couch and shrugged, nervous again. Rayanne sat next to me, one arm wrapped around my shoulders.

Ricky perked up. "You have big news?" He sat on the floor facing us, a curious look on his face.

"Oh, yes! Our Angela has very big news!" Rayanne smirked and gave me that sly look again, but I could see she was excited behind it. "Big, huge, earth shattering, Jordan Catalano news." She paused for effect. "Angela had me buy her something the other day."

Ricky just laughed. "She's been seeing him for like, two years now. Seriously, it's not like they haven't had sex, you know?" He made a face and I winced in sympathy. Ricky knew first hand that Jordan and I were sexually active; he'd accidentally walked in on us once in the most awkward surprise visit ever. "And he told her he loved her, like, a year an a half ago. What's left? What did you buy her that was so earth shattering?"

"You see, Ricky darling, Angela asked me to buy her-" But I covered her mouth and interrupted her. I couldn't let her be the one who told.

"She bought me a pregnancy test," I whispered. Ricky's eyes went huge and I could see Rayanne practically bouncing.

"Oh, my God!" he breathed. "Oh, my God!" He blinked at me then got this really worried expression on his face. "This is like, so not what I expected! I mean, seriously, you're so not the girl anyone would expect something like this from. Are you- I mean, are you really, like, pregnant?" He whispered the last word.

I turned like, fifteen shades of red and nodded. "Yeah. I am."

"Oh my god!" Ricky got up and started pacing, biting his nails. "So like, does he know? What did he say?"

"I told him last night, after I took the test." I shrugged and burrowed deeper into the couch. I wanted to hide my face but Rayanne wouldn't let go of me. Despite what she and Jordan had done, perhaps because of it actually, she always judged him a bit more harshly than she would other guys. And she looked like she was ready to hurt him if he'd done the wrong thing in this case

"And?" This time it was Rayanne who asked. "How did he react?"

"For a few minutes, completely blank."

"Seriously?" Ricky laughed.

"Seriously." I rolled my eyes. "You guys know that blank stare of his that drives me crazy? The whole 'nobody's home' look? For five minutes, I swear, he just stared at me like that."

"Fucking typical," Rayanne snorted. I looked over at her a bit sadly. I loved them both but the two of them would never be friends and though neither ever said anything overtly negative about each other, the threat of it was always there.

"So," I continued, "I was starting to panic when he seems to wake up and says, 'wow'."

"'Wow'?" Ricky looked from Rayanne to me and back. "That's it? That's all he said? 'Wow'?"

"Yeah, well, you guys know how verbose he is," I said dryly. Rayanne snickered. "Well, then I asked him if he was mad…"

Rayanne rolled her eyes and glared at me. "Why did you ask him if he was mad? It's not like you forced him to fuck you." I bit my lip and shrugged, completely unable to voice my weird insecurity about this. "Seriously, we wouldn't be having this conversation if it weren't for him. He knocked you up, Angela."

"She's right, Ange. But I can see why you'd be worried. I mean, it's a big deal. And really, lots of guys wouldn't stick around after hearing something like this." Ricky sat down next to me and grabbed one of my hands. "But he didn't seem mad in the car when he dropped us off here so I'm guessing..." he trailed off.

"No, he wasn't mad," I whispered. Ricky smiled at me. "He said that he was scared; really, really scared but that he was also… excited. And kinda happy."

"Happy?" Rayanne raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Well, I guess it is kinda like, physical proof he's like all manly and shit. Nothing like making a baby to prove you've got balls."

"Rayanne!" Ricky protested. "He was like, being sweet! You know he loves her."

Rayanne was about to yell at him but I held up a hand between them. "Guys, I'm just glad he's not going to leave me over this." Putting my hand down, I looked at both of them and then down at my lap. "He said that we'd get through this together and I really hope he means it."

At that point, they both threw their arms around me and hugged me tight. Of course, they both started talking at once then, but neither one had anything negative to say and they were so supportive and happy for me, telling me what a great mom I'd be and how cute our baby would be. Rayanne was talking about kids books she'd read in daycare and Ricky started in about being "Auntie" Ricky. They were positively glowing.

And for the first time since I'd suspected I was carrying Jordan's baby, I felt myself get a little… excited. Then I was completely overcome.

When tears started streaming down my face, they wiped them away and held me tighter. They only let me cry for a few minutes before they started in on the questioning again. But it was okay; I was starting to feel a bit better. This was, without a doubt, the most terrifying thing I'd ever faced and while I knew that Jordan would be right there with me through it all, part of me was still scared I'd have to do this alone. So far, all I'd been able to focus on was the negative side of this. How do I tell him? How do I tell my parents? How the hell we are going to deal with this? But I think Jordan was seeing something more. Several times today, when no one was looking, he had gently put his hand on my stomach, right over where our baby was. Twice I'd caught a look on his face like none I'd ever seen before. I could recognize love there, but there was something else…

"So, like, how far along do you think you are? I know it's like still really early but you've got some sort of idea right?" Ricky asked, interrupting my daze. We were all still wrapped up in our three-way-hug, my head on Ricky's shoulder and Rayanne's hand over my stomach.

I blushed, something I really couldn't help, and frowned at the question. "Well, I missed my period for the second time about two weeks ago now. Today's April twenty-second so that would put it at…" I did a few mental calculations. "Sometime in February or March, I think?"

"Valentine's Day. Being conceived on Valentine's day has to be even more special than being born on it," he sighed, smiling. I rolled my eyes and couldn't help but laugh. I had so known that Ricky would see romance in this somehow. He was a true romantic and he loved telling me what he thought Jordan felt about me based on his actions. Occasionally, I thought he might be right.

I shook my head, though, not convinced. "Not quite. I didn't miss the one after Valentine's Day. So it's more like, I dunno, the beginning of March?" I frowned again.

"Hey, isn't Jordan's birthday in the beginning of March?" he asked.

"March second," I said automatically and Rayanne started to laugh.

"Well, that's special too," Ricky insisted. "It's like, daddy's ultimate birthday present."

"I guess it was quite a happy birthday for him," Rayanne quipped. I groaned and blushed. We had spent most of the evening before in his bed.

"So. How's he been today," Rayanne asked.

"He's been… touching me a lot. Holding me more and rubbing his hand over-" Instinctively, I brushed my hand over my stomach. It still wasn't quite real yet and I knew that before the summer was over, there would be tangible proof of how real this was. I thought again of the look on Jordan's face when he'd touched me today; all the love and tenderness so evident in his face. His face could be so blank sometimes, so devoid of anything. But then there were moments when his face was so full of emotion it hurt to look at him.

Ricky looked at me daydreaming and smiled. "Can I?" he asked. I nodded and moved my hand to make room for his. The feeling was weird, but it was something I was going to have to get used to. Everyone wanted to touch baby bumps and my friends were no exceptions. Ricky's smile grew wider and he giggled a bit. "Wow!" he whispered, his smile huge, "Angela, this is incredible. There's like, a little bitty person in there. A tiny little Jordan Jr!"

And when he said that it hit me, hit me really hard and I couldn't breathe.

I was pregnant.

I was seventeen, still in high school and pregnant.

Inside me, there was a life growing, a person that Jordan and I had created and would have to care for.

Shit, had all the oxygen just been sucked from the room or something?

Rayanne was calling my name loudly and Ricky moved his hand to shake my arm. As I heard the front door open, I felt my heart stutter and the room went black.


When I came to, Ricky was looming over me looking scared out of his mind. Rayanne was wringing her hands but looked a bit less panicked. And Amber had a cold washcloth in her hand that she was stroking my face with.

"There we are, baby," she soothed. I saw her glare at her daughter and Ricky over my head. "I told you guys she'd be okay." She looked down at me again and smiled. "Ricky's a little over-anxious about you fainting, Sweetie. I told them that you were fine; pregnant women sometimes faint." I think some of my panic showed on my face when Amber rolled her eyes. "Not you, too! Angela, it's okay. First off, yes, I know all about the baby. Rayanne told me after you girls got off the phone last night. I promise I won't tell your mother. But you're going to need to tell her soon. Second, your blood pressure can get a little weird when you're expecting so the fainting thing isn't weird." I nodded and sat up slowly.

"Thanks, Amber," I said.

"Here, doll, have a glass of water." She handed me a glass that had been sitting on the table and sat next to me. Ricky sat back down too and Rayanne leaned against the couch. "Have you talked to a doctor yet?"

I cringed. "No. I'm not exactly sure what to do. I mean, I'm still seeing the same doctor I went to as a little kid and I know she'll tell mom when I do. She like, has to right?"

"No, legally, she can't tell your parents. She'll encourage you to tell Patty, I'm sure but I know you'll be doing that eventually. And really, you're going to need to see her soon, you know? To make sure everything is going right in there." I took a sip of the water and nodded. "Rayanne told me it's Jordan's." I just nodded again. "Have you told him yet?"

"Actually, I told him before I told Rayanne," I said softly. "I thought, you know, he had a right to know first."

"Good! Good girl!" She really did seem proud of me, too. I guess it was something to be proud of, telling him even as terrified as I was. "And since the other two stooges over there aren't growling at the mention of his name, I'm guessing he took it pretty well?"

"Yeah. He said he's scared but… excited. Happy even," I whispered. I blushed, remembering how he'd held my hand as he'd talked about being happy, then had pulled me into his lap. "I thought happy was kinda odd; I mean, he is a little older and a few of his friends do have kids but we're both still pretty young. The more I think about it, though, the more I think I understand."

"That boy loves you very much, Angela," Amber whispered. "And I think he'll do whatever he can to keep you and this baby."

"I hope so," I whispered, frowning. I was plagued by doubts. In my mind, only older women had babies, women finished with college and married; women who were established in their lives. I was none of those things, but here I was, contemplating motherhood. We weren't ready for this. I wasn't ready for this! "It's just not something I'd ever thought would happen to me. I was always so careful."

"Angela, we know you've been careful." Rayanne rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh. "You're like, the queen of careful. But there are times that a condom just doesn't cut it. And it only takes one tiny little hole. And then boom: baby." Ricky pushed her and I laughed a bit.

"It's kinda sweet, though," he said then, leaning back on the couch. "I mean, him being scared and happy. Yeah, the timing is like, terrible and I can't imagine what he's thinking. But if he's even a little excited he's got to have thought about the fact that you're carrying his child. It's even a little romantic."

"Ricky," I groaned. "I told Jordan you'd be this way! And I'll say this to you as many times as you need to hear it: an unplanned teenage pregnancy is not romantic. It's scary and terrifying and panic inducing and anything but romantic."

"Well, yeah." He snorted at me. "We can see the panicked and terrified part sitting on the couch right here. And I can totally understand why you're all panicked; telling Patty and Graham? Not going to be fun. And then the whole college and work thing with a baby? That's going to be a bit of a nightmare." Ricky put his arm around me then and gave me a tight hug. "But what is romantic is the fact that he's happy it's you. Angela, you know he loves you; he tells you all the time. Besides, it's like really obvious to anyone who sees the two of you together. And if he's happy or excited about this it's because you are having his baby."

I thought about that for a moment. Most of me was too scared to really think too hard about it, but the part of me that wasn't scared was really glad that I was having Jordan's baby. And, okay, yes, there was a little tiny part of me that was all girly happy about being pregnant. But it wasn't just that I was having a baby; the weird, crazy happiness was because it was something that was equal parts me and Jordan. Was that what his happiness in this stemmed from? From knowing that I was the mother of his child? I sighed. There was just so much to think about! Amber tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead.

"I have to agree with Ricky on this one," she said. "The two of you are in for quite a ride and it's not going to be easy, but the fact that he's even a little excited means a lot. You'll be okay, Sweetie. It'll all work out." She stood up and walked into the kitchen. "I'm making myself a drink, girls. You want another glass of water, Angela?" I shook my head. Ricky stood as well and went to grab the phone. Rayanne slid into his vacated spot.

"We should go soon, Ange. I'll call Katimski. Would you like me to have him drop you off at Jordan's garage? I'm sure he wouldn't mind." I shrugged. "Well, decide so you can call your mom. We don't want her to get upset with you before you even tell her anything."

Rayanne pulled my head down into her lap and started finger-combing my hair. I just sighed and let her. "Well, you have lots of flowy clothes so I don't think you need to worry too much about changing your wardrobe. It wouldn't hurt to wear a few of Jordan's shirts now and then, though. That shit's sexy. We graduate at the end of May so you should only be like three months along by then and you wouldn't be showing enough for anyone to notice anyway."

"How've I been doing with hiding it so far?" I asked.

"Pretty good, actually," she said. "I mean, I know you, so I knew something was off a while ago, but not as far back as you might think. It's only been for the last two weeks or so. And it's been more that you've been acting weird, not that you look any different. You're really skinny, chica; but from what I've heard, you won't start to show for a bit yet. Of course, when you do start showing, it'll be like, seriously noticeable 'cause you're so little. I highly doubt anyone else even suspects yet."

"You're not just saying that?"

"No. I promise, no one knows but us, Angelika. Sharon suspects something, though. She asked me if you were okay the other day, before I knew anything."

"What did you tell her?"

"That I knew something was up but I wasn't sure what it was and she agreed."

I sighed. "I'll tell her soon. It's been like, so scary and awkward every time I've told someone and so far I've really only told three people. The thing is I totally want her to know about all of it. But I don't want to have to tell more people about it. It's just so… awkward. I'm kinda embarrassed about it, you know? I'm not some stupid girl who just didn't use a condom, but I'm worried that's what everyone is going to think. Or worse, that I did this on purpose! God, and I seriously don't want to have to tell my parents! He told me that he'd told his mom last night. And Shane." I groaned and covered my face. "How many more people do we have to tell, seriously?"

Amber poked her head in the room. "He told his mother?"

I sat up and nodded. "Yeah."

"And?" Amber prompted.

I blushed again. Jordan's relationships with his parents were odd at best and I wasn't sure how much I could really share. As much as he told me he loved me, he still kept his parents well away from me. I'd met his father once for five minutes and still hadn't met his mother. He said it was to protect me, but I wasn't always so sure. I decided though that telling Amber a little of what Debbie had said wouldn't be a big deal. "Well, she yelled at him a bit, told him that thirty-nine was way too young to be a grandmother but then told him that we have her support."

"Support is good. You hear that, Ray? Jordan's mom is actually younger than me! But believe me, you come to me with news like that and you'll get worse, I promise," she said, shaking a bright red fingernail at her daughter. "I do not want grandbabies yet. Bad enough I'm a great-aunt already to Angela's little one. No offense, Sweetie." I couldn't help but flush and hide my face again.

Rayanne rolled her eyes as I did. "Geez, Ma! I know! Trust me, nothing in there but my IUD." She patted her abdomen contentedly. "I seriously don't want kids! Maybe not ever, but definitely not now." Ricky shoved her but she stuck her tongue out at him. I heard her laugh as she fell against my side. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be taking this as well as Angelika here if it happened to me."

"You think I'm taking this well?" I stared at her incredulously.

"Well, yeah," she insisted, laughing. "Okay, so you're like, freaked out beyond belief. We completely understand that. But Sweetie, you know you've got me and Ricky, and Sharon, and Jordan. And you know that at some point your folks will be okay with this too; they love you too much to not accept this. Hell, Catalano's actually excited about this!" She shook her head and laughed. "How bizarre is that? Jordan Catalano actually wants to be a daddy."

"Rayanne, I cried myself to sleep after telling him!" I nearly shouted. "I'm barely eating and I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack. I don't see any of those as signs of taking it 'well', to be honest!"

"Angela," she deadpanned. "Do you want to know what I would have done? Seriously? As soon as I suspected?"

"What?" I wasn't sure I wanted the answer.

"I would have headed to a Planned Parenthood clinic and gotten rid of it. Then I would have gone and gotten as plastered as I could. Don't know that I'd have even told the father, if I knew who he was." Rayanne looked at me sadly. "But you, Angela? This is what you do. You freak out and you cry and you get all scared and angry. And then you calm down and get things done. And it's right. Because it's you."

I saw Ricky nodding and he sat down beside me again. He spoke really softly. "Angela, you might be scared, but I think you're doing what's right for you. You're making the only decision you and Jordan can live with. It would tear both of you apart to get rid of this baby, before or after it's born. You'll be able to handle this, honey." Ricky put one arm around me and squeezed, phone still in his other hand. He hadn't called Katimski yet. I think he felt I should really go talk to Jordan at his work tonight. I still wasn't so sure, though.

"You guys think I'm making the right choice?" I could hear my voice shake and I knew they could too. "In wanting to keep it?"

Ricky looked at me apologetically and shrugged. "Honestly, Angela? I can't see you doing anything else. Especially with Jordan… feeling the way he does. The fact that he wants this baby- it's really amazing, you know? Maybe you two will make it, maybe you won't, but you're doing what you think is right. Sometimes, that's all you can do." He handed me the phone. "Call Jordan; tell him you're coming over to see him at work. You guys need to talk. Then call your mom and tell her where you'll be."

I looked at the phone for a moment, no less scared than I'd been all night. Then I took a deep breath and dialed.


We pulled up to the garage/gas station where Jordan worked and I could see him standing behind the counter. It wasn't quite dusk yet and bright light spilled from the station; I was sure he could see me in the back seat of the car.

"Well, Angela, here we are. Are you sure you don't want me to drop you off at home? I don't mind." Katimski looked at me a bit worriedly. I'd been quiet the whole ride and I'm pretty sure he knew something was off about me. Ricky grabbed my hand and squeezed.

"I'm fine," I assured him. "Jordan's let me hang out in the back office and do homework while he's working a few times. It's no big deal, really. Even if his boss is here, it's fine. Jake knows me."

"Your mother is aware you're going to be here?" he asked, for the tenth time.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mr. Katimski."

"Mr. Katimski, I talked to Patty myself," Ricky insisted. "She knows where Angela is. It's fine, really."

"Okay, okay!" Katimski laughed. "Have fun, Angela. And tell Jordan I said hello."

"I will. Thank you." I kissed Ricky on the cheek, grabbed my backpack and slid over to the driver's side door. "Good night, guys! See you tomorrow!" I called as I left the car. Ricky waved to me and blew a kiss. I turned one more time as I opened the door to the store and waved.

Jordan grinned at me as I walked in and I couldn't help but grin back. He opened the gate and let me behind the counter with him. Before I could speak, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the breath out of me. When he was finished, I rolled my eyes at him, grinning. He just brushed my cheek with his fingers and smiled.

"Hi," he whispered, sounding very pleased.

"Hi, yourself," I said. "Are we alone or is Jake here tonight?"

"Jake's closing tonight. He told me I could leave a bit early after you called. I told him I could stay as late as he needed me but he said to get you home. Anyway, he's back in the office doing some paper work right now." He pulled the stool he usually sat on over and nudged me towards it. "Sit down and make yourself comfortable. I don't get to leave for another hour."

I dropped my bag next to the stool and hopped up onto it; the seat was almost level with the counter and there was nothing to really lean against. It wasn't the most comfortable position in the world, but I'd make due. A customer walked in as I was adjusting my perch and I watched as Jordan interacted with him. The guy bought some gas and a pop, then left. Jordan barely had to talk to him. I poked him with the toe of my sneaker to get his attention.

"Any weirdos tonight?" I asked.

"Nah, just you, babe." He laughed when I kicked him. "Honestly, it's been pretty boring tonight. And you're all I've been able to think about, anyway."

"Yeah?"

"Totally. You've been on my mind all day, really." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, a sure sign he was stressed. "Christ, Angela, this day has been just unreal. Are you okay?" I nodded and he stepped closer to me. The collar on his shirt was frayed and I tugged on it. He came closer and nuzzled my cheek. "You look like you've been crying, Babe."

"I was, earlier. I've been a bit stressed today, you know? So yeah, I had a good cry over at Rayanne's. But I'm okay now," I reassured him.

"Just stressed? No pain or anything like that?"

"No, just the pain in my head from all the stupid crying," I sighed. He laughed and kissed my cheek.

"I keep thinking of all the ways this could go horribly wrong," he whispered.

"Like with Beth?" He shrugged but I knew he'd thought about it. Jordan couldn't hide much from me, even when he wanted to. "Jordan, please don't torture your self like that. I'm healthy and I'm sure the baby is fine. I'll make an appointment to see a doctor next week and we can get everything all checked out. You can come with me, alright?"

"Angela, it's not just that." He ran his hands through my hair then rubbed my neck. "Though coming with you to make sure things are going okay would help me feel a bit better."

"Okay," I said. "So what else is bothering you?"

"Honestly?" he asked. I nodded. "My two biggest worries right now are the fact that you're so obviously scared of the whole thing and… the fact that your parents could have me arrested." I hadn't really thought much about all the issues our age difference could cause, it was only two years, but I knew he worried about it from time to time. Since we'd gotten back together he'd tried very hard to be aware of my feelings and to make sure he communicated his. It was strange because it had changed our relationship in subtle but important ways. I was fully aware of how serious he was about me.

I sat and chewed on my lip for a moment before I spoke. "Actually, Babe, those are both things I had kinda wanted to talk to you about tonight." I leaned back on the stool a bit and looked him straight in the eyes. "So, yes, I'm scared. I'm terrified. But you said you're scared too, that you've never been this scared ever before."

"I haven't," he said. "Nothing has ever had me really shaking inside like this before. But I also know for sure that-" He ran a hand through his hair again and made a frustrated noise. "Look, we haven't had a chance to really talk yet about what we want to do here. So I know what I want, but I don't know what you want. And I'm worried that it's not the same thing. Because if you decide differently, there's really nothing I can do, you know?" He shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "It's your body, Babe."

The moment of truth, I thought. And I couldn't help myself; I twisted my hands together, tangling them like ropes. Jordan was staring at me but I couldn't bring my eyes up to meet his. "I want to keep it," I whispered. "If you feel you can't stand by me for this, it'll hurt like hell, but… I can't not keep it. I want this baby, Jordan. It'll be hard and scary and it might be a terrible idea, but I can't live with the idea of doing anything else."

"Neither can I." His voice was a whisper but it seemed so loud to me. When I looked up, he was smiling and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Okay." I could feel my body starting to relax, some of the tension of the last few days draining out. And a good bit of the fear dissipated. "Okay." I smiled and nodded and I knew he could tell that some of my fear had left.

"So we're… I mean…" He seemed to be tripping over his words. "We're doing this?" I just grinned and nodded. He let out a breathless laugh and leaned back against the cigarette cabinet, eyes focused somewhere far off. "Wow." I had to laugh. He looked back over at me and I felt like I'd get lost in how blue his eyes were. "So, you're good? I mean, you feel better about it, right? 'Cause you don't look quite so freaked out anymore."

"Yeah, a lot actually. I was really scared that you maybe wouldn't want to do this, that I'd be alone in it. We're not ready for this at all, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to be involved in any of this. You've been so... positive when I'm feeling so... scared. I couldn't bear the thought of getting rid of it, but I-" My voice trembled and I had to take a deep breath. "I wasn't sure I'd be able to raise our baby alone."

"You won't have to," he promised. "We started this together and I'll be right with you through all of it." He reached across the small aisle to grab my hand. "You always seem to pull me into things that are like, way different and bigger than anything I've ever dealt with before. It's not bad. Keeps me on my toes, you know? And... I'm really not the same guy I was when we met. I'm better. Because of you." The sincerity in his eyes made my heart feel like bursting. God, I loved this man.

"I keep you on your toes?" I laughed. "I'm so scared and you've been so freaking stable." He shook his head. "I know, you're scared too. But you're being the strong one here and I'm really grateful. God, Jordan, this is all new territory for both of us. So, you know, I could kinda say the same of you." I pulled him closer and he leaned against me. The feel of his warm breath against my cheek made me shiver just a bit.

"I know. I'm sorry?"

"No you're not!" I laughed, pushing him. He made a show of being hurt, staggering back from me. "Okay. You can stop being a dork now."

"Okay." He leaned forward on the counter next to me and grinned. I played with his hair a little bit, brushing the silky strands back from his forehead. He'd cut his hair a few times since we'd started dating, but I liked this length best on him. It wasn't quite as long as mine and the small curtain it made when he bent down to kiss me made me feel like the world around us had disappeared.

"I love you," I whispered. He looked up at me and I saw that same odd mix of love, tenderness and something more in his face. I brushed the back of my hand against his cheek and he turned to kiss it, the feel of his lips against my skin turning my stomach to jelly. He straightened and wrapped his arms around me, feathering kisses over my face.

"I love you, Angela. You have no idea how important you are to me, babe." I reveled in the feel of his arms around me for a few more minutes before he sighed and looked back down at me again. "So…"

"So?" I asked.

"Mama Rosa's should still be open in half an hour; you wanna grab a pie with me?"

I nodded, suddenly realizing how hungry I really was. I hadn't eaten since lunch and now I felt like I could eat an entire pizza by myself. "Can we talk about that other thing then?"

"Yeah." He sounded a bit reluctant.

"Baby, we have to talk about this at some point so we can figure out what to do."

"I know, but- Later?" he pleaded.

I sighed. "Fine. But we have to figure out what to tell my folks, too." He nodded and rested his chin on the top of my head. I laid a kiss on his chest and closed my eyes.


A/N: I've agonized over this chapter for months and re-written it several times. She was too calm about it. She was too freaked out. Ricky was off. Rayanne was off. Jordan was off. Katimski was too involved. Amber was too involved.

I THINK I have it now.

Read and review, lovelies! I love hearing what you think.

And a special shout out and thank you to luvjordan, who has been invaluable in this. You rock. Were I into girls and not married already, I'd propose. You are a fountain of knowledge and aide. Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU!!!