A Mess of Things
Chapter 4: Consequences and Consciences.
By Shaid
February, 1995
Brian POV
She was selfish and terrible and I wanted to hate her. But it was hard. I'd been making excuses for her for so long now that with the truth right in front of me, I didn't want to look at it. I wasn't ever what she'd wanted and I knew that. But she was still selfish and cruel.
So I just watched as she got into Jordan Catalano's car and let him drive her away. She looked out the window as he did, but I couldn't tell if she was looking at me, or just avoiding looking at him. She knew the truth now, regardless of what I'd said and it was up to her to make some kind of decision about it. Whatever it was, I'd have to accept it. It was the rational thing to do.
Of course, it was a lot easier to be angry with her (and a lot harder to be rational about it) when he brought her home two hours later. It was easier still when I could see them tangled together in the front seat. I was angry and jealous and not feeling very forgiving at the moment. Whatever lie he'd told her about the letter, she obviously believed it. So I continued to watch as they both got out of the car and he walked her to the front door. They kissed again before Angela opened the door and I wondered why I was torturing myself like this. They were back lit for a moment and I could see that he was looking at her. Then she turned into the light; there was a smile on her face as she looked into the house. Stepping back, she looked at him again and waved. He nodded back and turned to go.
He didn't leave right away, however and I wondered if they were planning some sort of tryst now, if at any moment I'd see her sneaking out of the bushes in back and climb into his car. Then they'd go to some parking lot or something and have sex in the same backseat where he'd betrayed her. But she didn't. And Jordan just sat there staring at my house for a good five minutes. Did he know I was watching them? Part of me hoped he did. I hoped he knew I was watching and knew that I'd tell her that he'd lied. Then he drove away and I was watching an empty street.
I went to bed then but didn't sleep much. I wanted to know what each of them had said. I wanted to know what he'd said to her to get her to go back to him when I knew she'd been so close to actually kissing me in the street just before he called out to her. It had been an exhilarating, terrifying feeling but it had all come crashing down with just the sound of his voice. For hours I lay there thinking about what could have been. What little sleep I did get was filled with frantic dreams of chasing Angela as she ran from me laughing.
The next morning, I sulked around the house. I did some homework, read a bit and cleaned my room. But mostly I watched the Chases' house, waiting for a chance to talk to Angela. She never left the house. By three that afternoon, I'd almost worked up the courage to go over and just ask her what the hell was going on. But as I got to my door, that damned red convertible pulled up again and I lost my nerve.
He didn't go right to Angela's, though. I'd turned away from the door when I'd seen his car and had started walking up the stairs when a knock sounded. I knew it was Jordan and I didn't want to see him, but my parents were home so I kinda had to answer.
I wasn't quite sure what I'd expected to see when I opened the door, but the scowl Jordan fixed on me definitely wasn't it. "Oh, it's you." I frowned back at him. It didn't have quite the same effect.
"We need to talk." His voice was hard, which surprised me. Wasn't I the injured party here?
"Whatever," I said. "Shouldn't you be like, across the street reaping the benefits of whatever stupid lie you told Angela?" He wasn't much bigger than me, but he was older and I knew he'd been in more fights than I had. I may have been able to win a fist fight against Martin Freid in first grade, but Jordan could probably knock me into next week. I was walking a fine line, but at the moment, I didn't really care.
"I don't lie." He glared at me and stepped into the house, edging around me. "I told her the truth. I said I was sorry for the thing with Graff and for making her think I'd wrote the letter. She accepted my apology." I closed the door and he shoved his hands in his pockets, looking at me with a frown. "But that's not what you and I need to talk about."
"She just accepted your apology? Just like that? I find that hard to believe. You nailed her best friend." I flinched internally at the vulgar wording but I was pretty pissed off at this point. I saw him flinch too and I hoped it stung. "You lied to her about writing a love letter. What you did-"
"Was completely unforgivable," he interrupted. "I know. But for some reason, she forgave me. She chose-"
"To get her heart stomped on?" I interrupted.
He glared at me. "Listen, man, I'm being nice here. What happens between Angela and me is between Angela and me. But I'm telling you what's up because she sure as hell won't. You don't need to be a dick about it."
"Of course she'd tell me what's going on! Why wouldn't she tell me? We've been friends since like, forever; I've lived here most of my life. If there was something I needed to know I'm sure she'd say something to me." I glared at him.
"Would she?" I blinked at him. "Or would she like, avoid you because this shit's all awkward now?" He was right. And he knew her about as well as I did. Yeah, she'd avoid me like the plague until she could come up with something to say to me. Crap! I just looked at him and didn't say a word. "She made a choice, man. Deal with it."
"Was she thinking with her hormones or her head?" I taunted, knowing I was playing with fire and not really caring. "Because the only reason I can see her going back to you is so she'll get laid. Oh, and you've got a car and play in a band. Very impressive. You obviously have a so much to offer. I never knew she had such a one track mind."
Quicker than I'd thought he could, he took a few steps closer to me, fists clenched. "Don't fucking say shit like that about her," he snapped, eyes narrowed. It was obvious he was angry, but he didn't really look dangerous. I tried not to react, but I hadn't been expecting a response like that. Still, I took a step back, and looked away from him.
"She wasn't like this before," I insisted. "Being with you and Graff and Ricky has like, changed her. Ricky's like, fine, but he still like, encourages her to like, act out or something. It's like she's somebody else now. She doesn't even look the same! Did you know she's actually a blonde? And you probably didn't even notice her until she dyed her hair."
He looked confused for a moment. "Why would her hair color make any difference?" he asked, then shook his head. "Whatever. Maybe she is different. Maybe she's not the same girl she was before, but then maybe you didn't know her as well as you thought you did." I looked back over at him, startled. He's not stupid, I reminded myself angrily. And he reads people about ten times as well as I do. "People fucking grow up and change all the time. She's not allowed to?" He kicked the floor and glared at me again. "She's going to keep changing, Brian. You can't stop it. I don't know why you'd want to. Anyway, that's not why I'm here."
"Oh? So why are you here? To gloat?" I sneered at him. "Great. You've slept with both Angela and Rayanne then got Angela to forgive you for the insignificant faux pas of banging her friend. Wonderful. Now that you've completely shredded her reputation-"
"I've never slept with Angela." His voice had a really hard edge and I was beginning to worry he might actually take a swing at me. "Not that it's, like, any of your business. And I'm not the one who 'shredded' her reputation, anyway. You got the whole school thinking I did her months ago."
"What do you mean, me? You're the one who-"
He cut me off again and I really thought he was about to hit me. "We didn't do anything and I'm not the one who spread the fucking rumor, Brian." And then I realized this wasn't about gloating or fighting over a girl or anything like that. This was about protecting her. It was probably the only thing we really agreed on. And I'd messed it up long before he had. Not anywhere near as badly as he had, of course; his "mistake" was kinda epic. But she had forgiven him and I was never really sure if she'd completely forgiven me. She was also the only one who knew I'd said anything that would have told him; she must have said something about it to him last night. "You told people that I'd fucked her in my car, in front of your house. You said that about her, pretty much telling the whole school she was a slut, and you still try to call yourself her friend?"
"Listen, I really thought-"
"That I'd done her that night? She was with me for less than ten minutes! Hell, we barely kissed! And what the fuck did it matter to you?"
"But I- She- I mean-"
"I get that you like her, Brian. It's obvious to anyone with eyes that you're crazy about her. But so am I. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes. It's none of your business what she and I do or don't do together. So just leave her the fuck alone, okay?" There was almost a growl to his voice and I looked away. "You got that, Krakow?"
I nodded, fists clenched. I couldn't hit him, I knew that. I'd either break my hand or get my own face broken. But I wanted to. He looked away too and I kinda wondered why he hadn't just left already. He fidgeted a bit and then looked at me again; I just glared back. "I needed to talk to you about one more thing," he said, his voice a bit more unsure.
"What?" I snapped. "What more could you possibly have to say to me? Haven't you said enough?"
"The tutoring sessions." He sighed and sounded a bit reluctant.
"I don't know if I can do that anymore."
Jordan nodded. "Yeah, I understand. If things had gone the other way, if she had made, like a different choice, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want you as my tutor anymore. She's really the only reason school matters to me now. Without her, I'd probably have just dropped out like I was planning to before. Or gotten kicked out. Anyway, I understand if it's too weird. But you're a pretty good teacher, almost as good as Racine was, and I'd like to keep learning from you."
Part of me was surprised, but it was the emotional part of me that didn't like Jordan Catalano and didn't want to admit that he actually could think his way out of a paper bag. I knew he wasn't dumb; tutoring him had shown me that. He understood things pretty quickly, once it was explained the right way. Of course he'd thought about how this would affect him. And for once, I was the one without an answer. It would be awkward now and I wasn't sure I wanted to help him anymore. After this whole thing, I wasn't so sure I cared.
I shrugged. "I don't know. I'll think about it."
He smiled. "You're a decent guy, Brain, aside from the whole Angela thing, and I think of you as a friend. But I'm pretty sure you don't see it that way. At least, not anymore."
He was right, I didn't think of him as a friend. But then, I never really had. None of this was fair; I'd known Angela forever and had been in love with her for almost as long. Why was it that the guy who'd hurt her was the guy she kept? Why couldn't it be me?
He frowned as he looked out the window in the door at her house and scratched the back of his head. "Brian, I've got to let you know, I really do understand how you feel about her. She gets into your head and won't leave." I nodded "She's not like other girls, you know? I'm not letting her go without a fight."
"Whatever. But if you hurt her again, I'll make sure you pay for it." We glared at each other for a moment, tense and angry. After a few seconds, he nodded and I looked away. "I'll think about the tutoring thing. See you on Monday." It was a dismissal and he understood, heading for the door. He paused after opening it, though and turned to me.
"Thanks, Brain."
"For what?"
He shrugged. "For doing what makes her happy instead of what makes you happy."
Angela POV
One week later
That first week after the letter was really awkward. For everyone, I think. What I'd said to Jordan that night was true: Brian was a safer choice for me; the better, smarter choice. But was he the right choice? I don't know. And I'm not sure he is. You see, your head can make all these decisions based on facts and opinions and you can know that one thing would be better for you than another. But your heart doesn't really care what your head thinks. Or maybe it does, but it keeps on doing whatever it feels like anyway.
And I think that's what I did. Because I knew going back to Jordan Catalano wasn't a good choice, or the smart choice or whatever. I knew that I could get seriously hurt by doing this; there weren't any guarantees that everything would be okay. Being with him wasn't safe. Going back was a dumb choice; but my heart said he was the right choice.
And so I found myself actively avoiding Brian Krakow and inadvertently avoiding Ricky. I knew it put Ricky in a weird spot, too; he was still friends with Rayanne, he'd become friends with Brian and he was friends with me. And getting the three of us together was going to be… well, not something I envied him.
I knew I'd have to deal with this all at some point; things like that letter don't just go away and while I was pretending that it didn't matter, deep down I knew it did. Brian wasn't going to be content to let it lie either, he would confront me at some point. I knew that I needed to be the one to pick the time and place for the confrontation or it would be at the worst possible time, especially if I let this fester too long. Too soon, though, and I wouldn't know what to say; I needed to figure out how I felt about it. Brian had been a part of my life almost as long as Sharon and the thought that he may one day not be there disturbed me a little. But could I feel that way about him? Could I want him the way I wanted Jordan? The sick feeling in my stomach when I thought about kissing him told me that I couldn't; he was more like a brother than anything else. It would hurt him to realize that, but he'd have to accept it eventually.
For now, avoidance was my best option so I did everything I could to avoid being alone anywhere with him. It wasn't quite as hard as I'd thought it would be, especially since Jordan was going out of his way to pay lots of attention to me. Not by talking a lot, like he had Friday night, but just being there. I guess he'd said his quota of words for the next few weeks in that one conversation because he was really quiet. But it wasn't uncomfortable; we didn't make out all the time like we had before and we didn't talk much. Not that we didn't talk at all. Or make out; we did. A lot. But we did that less often than we had before. We often just kinda sat together and… were. It wasn't the same as before but it felt… nice. We held hands in the halls and he drove me to and from school every day. And Brian left me alone when Jordan was around.
There was this tension between Jordan and Brian now, too. I don't know if Brian is still tutoring him or not and while part of me hopes he is, the other part hopes that Jordan will find someone else to help him. Regardless of whether the tutoring is still going on or not, the tension is there, and it's my fault.
It was Saturday before I finally was able to ask Jordan what was going on. He worked Saturday mornings, most of the afternoon too, so didn't really expect to see him at all that next weekend. I mean, yeah, the Saturday after we'd talked, he'd spent the afternoon with me but I had thought he'd want to go out with the guys this weekend, practice with the band. I knew they were re-forming and were looking to book some gigs with him as the singer so I figured I'd have some time to myself while they worked things out. He surprised me though, knocking on the door that afternoon. I stood there staring at him for a moment, shocked.
"Anglea! Who's at the door?" Mom's voice brought me out of my Jordan-induced daze; I'd just been staring at him for several seconds. Why am I always such a dork?
"Jordan's here." I opened the door a little wider and let him step in. He smelled of cold air, cigarettes and soap. I loved the way he smelled.
"Oh, that's nice." She poked her head out over the banister. "Hello, Jordan! It's nice to see you." He just smiled and nodded at her, one hand raised in a partial greeting. "Angela, you guys could watch a movie or something. Didn't you rent something to watch with Ricky the other night? The Birds? The Raven?"
"The Crow, Mom." Jordan laughed a little and I rolled my eyes. It was weird knowing that Jordan and my mom had kinda bonded. She said hello and smiled at him every time he came to the house and it was honestly a little freaky.
"Well, you guys could watch that. There's lots of stuff in the fridge, too, so go ahead and make yourselves something to eat. I've got to get back to this closet, though. Have fun!" She went back to what she was doing, leaving us alone.
I sighed. "And that's Patty-speak for 'your room is off limits,'" I said.
He grinned and laughed. "Yeah, I didn't think your mom would be cool with us being anywhere near like, a bed."
I blushed and he smiled at me, coming further into the living roomso I could close the door. As he brushed past me, the sleeve of his jacket caught against my shirt and I couldn't help but blush deeper. Jordan Catalano was in my house. For a moment, I was confused; what was I supposed to do with Jordan? In my house? With my mother upstairs knowing I was downstairs with him?
He stood in the hall looking at me, hands in his pockets and shoulders a bit hunched. Suddenly, I remembered some manners. "So. Would you like something to drink? We have- I dunno." I kinda blanked for a moment. When I looked up at him, he was smiling. "I can check"
"That's cool," he said, shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it up by the door. For some reason, I felt really shy. I mean this wasn't the first time he'd come to my house by a long shot. But somehow, everything felt different now. Mom knowing he was down here with me, knowing we were an "item" again, made me feel all awkward. And I still wanted to touch him just as much as I ever had. Which made me think of other things I'd like to do to him... Crap, I'm babbling in my head!
"We could hang out in the kitchen, then watch the movie," I suggested.
He nodded. "Sure. I've seen it before, but it's good enough to watch again." He looked down at me and his hair fell into his eyes. I brushed it away almost automatically and he took my hand. There were calluses on his fingertips from playing guitar; the feel of them on my skin caused an odd tug in my stomach. I wanted to shiver, but just grazed my fingers over the calluses again.
"Okay." I moved to lead him to the kitchen but he pulled me back. I looked up at him, confused for a moment, and then he kissed my cheek. It was just a small kiss, he just brushed his lips against my face, but it had me blushing and him grinning.
"You're really cute when you blush." I blushed deeper and he smiled wider, kissing my cheek again. I barely remember walking to the kitchen. But then there we were, together. He held my hand as I looked in the fridge for something for him to drink.
"We've got some root beer, orange juice, iced tea, milk…" I listed the contents of the top shelf and looked back at him.
"Orange juice is good." He shrugged and I pulled out the container, setting it on the counter under the cabinet for the glasses. I poured him a really big glass and he drank it almost faster than I had poured. You've heard that saying about how teenage boys are bottomless pits? Yeah, Jordan fit that to like, a T.
"Wow." I blinked. "Would you like another glass?" He blushed and pulled his hand back to run it though his hair. "I can get you a sandwich too, if you like?
"Another glass would be great, but I was kinda thinking about taking you somewhere for like a burger or something later if you want?" He held out the glass and ducked his head a bit.
I nodded and filled his glass again. "Yeah, that's okay with me. I'll have to ask my parents first…" It was so embarrassing to have to say that. Especially to Jordan. I knew he never had to ask permission to go anywhere or do anything and I felt like such a child telling him that I still needed to ask. He never really said anything about it, though. Like, he understood how I felt and didn't want to make me more uncomfortable than I already was.
"Cool." I poured a glass for myself and leaned against the island to watch him drink the second glass. I couldn't help but watch the way his throat worked as he swallowed; for some reason, I found it incredibly sexy. When he put down the glass and looked at me, I smiled at him.
"I thought I wasn't going to see you today," I said, moving to stand next to him. "You'd said the band was like, re-forming or something and I thought you'd be doing band re-forming type stuff tonight." Jordan smirked and put his arm around me.
"Was that like a hint, babe? Do you want me gone?" he teased.
"No." I drew out the "o" and rolled my eyes. "It was more like a question. How are things going with the band?" He drew back and sipped his juice, thinking.
"It's... good but like, complicated. Since Tino left, there's not like, a front man or a direction, you know? We're still trying to figure all that stuff out." He shrugged. "Things have kinda started falling into place since I started singing but I'm like, not sure I want to be front man. Like, I don't know if I want to be the face for the band, you know?"
"You've got the voice for it," I encouraged. He shrugged and stared down at the floor. "Jordan, seriously, you've got a beautiful voice. I love hearing you sing." He nodded but didn't look up. I took that as a hint to change the subject. "So, were you guys able to get any practice time in this week?"
"Some. We're doing a rehearsal tonight, if you want to come."
"You really want me there?" He looked up and our eyes met. I wanted to paint my room the same blue as his eyes and just stare at it for hours. When he pulled me to him, I just melted into his arms; it felt so good to have him hold me again.
"Yeah, Angela. I really do want you there," he whispered. I just nodded. It took me a moment to come back to reality; there was something about being that close to him that always turned my brain to mush.
"So like, are you guys working on some of your own songs?" I asked, waking myself up. "I really loved that one you played when I saw you rehearse the one time."
"Yeah, Red's good. We've got a couple of other original things we're working on." He shrugged, smiling. "It's like, it kinda gets complicated when you throw drums and bass and another guitar in. So we have to keep working on it until it actually sounds like something."
"Are you writing the lyrics?"
He nodded. "Yeah. Most of the music, too, actually. I seem to have a lot to say lately." He smiled at me and I bit my lip. "I should have just written you a song, you know? And played it for you until you listened. Or like, called the cops or something." Those eyes of his that could be so blank were full of all kinds of emotion, most of which I couldn't place. It almost took my breath away to see so much in his eyes.
"You can sing to me any time," I whispered. He stepped over to me, still smiling and gently brushed my arms with his hands. He was so much taller than me, I had to crane my neck back to look at him. The top of my head barely reached his chin. He leaned closer and I could feel his breath against my lips. My breath was starting to come a little faster. When he finally kissed me, I couldn't help but gasp. It wasn't a rough kiss, or even a particularly passionate one, just his mouth gently moving against mine.
There were so many different ways to kiss and it felt like he was teaching me a new one every time our lips touched. It was exhilarating and I never wanted to stop. The next time we kissed would be like another lesson.
The kiss wasn't deep and didn't last a long time, just long enough to have me nearly breathless and blushing. He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear and I moved to feel his hand against my cheek. His palm was warm and dry but for some reason it made my heart beat just a bit faster and my knees feel just a bit weaker, just feeling his palm cup my cheek. I felt a little sad when he backed away but he leaned against the counter again and started drinking his juice. My own juice was halfway gone when I remembered one of the questions I'd wanted to ask him.
"So, like, what's with the glaring contest between you and Krakow lately? I mean, I know things are like, kinda awkward but... I chose you, so you don't have to be like, hostile. He's still my friend. Kinda." He grimaced and looked down for a moment. When he looked up again I could tell he was reluctant to really say what had been going on. "Do I not want to know? Did you guys fight or something?"
"No! Sorta. Not like-" He ran his hand through his hair and I was starting to wonder if he actually did fight with Brian. "I didn't hit him. I wanted to, but I didn't."
"So what did you do?" I asked, a bit apprehensively.
"We had a little talk. About him being an asshole. You know, the whole school thinking we'd like, done it?" He looked slightly embarrassed but I was kinda confused.
"Jordan, that was forever ago!"
"I know, but I didn't know he was the one who started the whole thing until you told me. How could he say something like that about you? I mean, friends aren't supposed to be the ones starting the rumors, Angela. They do what they can to stop them. He's like, got this major thing for you which is like totally obvious and you'd think he'd do whatever he could to keep your name clear, you know? But he didn't. He like, did the opposite. He's like-" I could tell he was struggling so I nodded at him. "What do you call it when someone like, tells people not to do something but then does it themselves? Like when a priest tells people not to drink but gets drunk on alter wine?"
"A hypocrite?"
"Yeah! He's a hypocrite. So I like, had to say something to him." He wouldn't look at me.
"Why?" He leaned against the sink and I stood in front of him. "It's no big deal, Jordan. Yeah, it hurt, but it was just talk. I mean, who cares? Really."
"I do." When his eyes met mine I could see that he really did, he really was upset about it. "I don't like people talking shit about you. Especially shit like that. I mean, Angela, he might as well have called you a slut! And you're not."
I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned against him. "It's over and done with, Jordan. And it's not like anyone remembers anymore, anyway." I smiled up at him and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Are you like, embarrassed it's not true?"
He hugged me back tight and laughed. "No. I mean, I do wish it were true. You know how bad I want you." He kissed me then, his lips just skimming mine. It was so sweet but I could almost feel him restraining himself, like he wanted more but felt he had to hold back. He pulled away and sighed loudly. "But I also hate that people would believe that about you; that you'd be so… easy. You're not like that."
"No, I'm not." I ran my hands up and down his back as I thought about that for a minute. Did it matter that some kids at school thought I put out? It was a bit embarrassing, especially at first when guys had been staring at me all the time. But people seemed to have gotten over it and it really didn't matter anymore. I looked up into his blue eyes and smiled. "I think all that really counts is that you know that."
He laughed and leaned his forehead against mine. "Believe me, I'm painfully aware of the fact that you're not easy, Angela." I rolled my eyes at him and leaned back, away from him. "What? You've made that really clear!"
"Painfully?"
He laughed and pulled me closer. "Sometimes, yeah. Most of the time though, I'm just glad you'll look at me."
"Can't help myself from doing that sometimes." And I couldn't help the smile on my face either; it spread from cheek to cheek and I could feel myself blushing. Jordan grinned right back and kissed me again. It was a deeper kiss this time, tongues slipping past lips to tangle together. I had started to move my hands up to his hair when someone cleared their throat behind us. Startled, I backed away from Jordan and turned to see my dad standing in the hall staring at us.
"Dad! Um… I thought you were… When did you get home?"
"Just now, actually." He looked at Jordan and raised an eyebrow. I held my breath. "Hello, Jordan. I didn't know you were planning to come over."
"Hey," Jordan muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"He just kinda dropped by unexpected," I supplied. "Mom's cleaning one of the closets and suggested we watch a movie. We were just going to like, grab something to snack on first." My father nodded "Um, Dad? Jordan asked if I could go see his band practice tonight. Would that be okay?"
"I guess so. I'll talk to your mom about it but I'm sure it'll be fine. At least it's not a school night." He looked Jordan over. "What do you play?"
"I'm lead guitar." He leaned back against the counter looking uncomfortable.
"He's lead singer, too." I leaned next to him and grabbed his hand. He squeezed it gently and didn't let go. "And he's been writing most of their original songs. He's really good." I briefly thought about Red. Ricky had eventually told me it was about Jordan's car but I couldn't help but think it might have earned a double meaning by now.
"Singer-songwriter?" Dad asked; he seemed a bit surprised. "That's pretty impressive, especially since you're playing lead as well. I'd always heard it was a bit difficult to play lead guitar and sing at the same time, something about competing melodies?"
"Thanks. It's taken some work but I manage." Jordan smiled a bit and squeezed my hand.
"You guys got a name?"
"We're calling ourselves Residue," he said. "We used to be Frozen Embryos, but then Tino quit and we had to find a new singer. We had a couple different singers but they all either flaked out or sucked and I ended up singing... it was just a big mess. So we're Residue."
Dad looked a bit confused but shook his head and smiled. "That's an... interesting name. Well, Angela, I really don't see a problem with you going as long as you're home by curfew."
"Eleven, right?" I asked. Dad nodded and I turned to look at Jordan. "Rehearsal starts at seven? And you wanted to grab something to eat first?" Jordan nodded. "Dunno if we've got time to watch the movie then."
"You guys can always eat here. We'll have more than enough." I looked at Jordan as my dad spoke. He'd gone blank almost as soon as we'd realized my dad was in the room and his expression was really no different now. But maybe I was getting to know him better because something in his face told me he was disappointed and uncomfortable.
I shook my head at Dad. "I kinda want to go out, you know?"
"That's fine, sweetie. Have fun!" I felt Jordan tug at my hand a bit as my father smiled. "I'm just going to go up and see what your mom is doing. Let us know before you leave, will you?"
We watched my dad head out of the room and Jordan seemed to heave a sigh of relief. I understood but laughed at him anyway.
"Your dad doesn't like me."
"You're dating his daughter, Jordan," I deadpanned. "Of course he doesn't like you." Jordan laughed. "So, you wanna head over to the loft soon?" I lead him out into the living room and sat on the couch. He sat next to me and looked around. It was obvious he kept glancing at the stairs.
"It's up to you, babe. We've got like, two hours until rehearsal so we can hang out here for a while, if you want."
"I'd rather go sooner than later, if it's alright with you." He nodded. "Do you mind if I go up and change?"
"I don't mind, but I don't get why you'd need to. You look fine." I looked down at my green t-shirt and jeans. I hadn't had any plans to do anything to day so had just thrown on whatever when I'd gotten up. Thank God I'd taken a shower.
"I look like I threw on the first thing I found this morning. 'Cause, you know, I did."
He laughed. "It's just rehearsal. You. Look. Fine." He leaned back on the couch, grabbed my arm and pulled me close, his lips ghosting over mine. The feel of his breath against my lips had my knees weak and my heart racing. It smelled slightly of orange but more of him; that slightly metallic, dark, musky scent that all males seem to have. "If you really want to change, that's cool." I barely understood what he was saying. He brushed his lips against mine then and I nearly stopped breathing, it just felt so good.
Suddenly I realized we were on my parents' couch and I backed up, smirking at him. "Not fair. You distracted me."
"I tried." I rolled my eyes at him. "Doesn't seem to be working, though," he said, frowning.
"Trust me, I may need CPR." We both laughed and he kissed me again, quickly this time. Neither one of us seemed to be able to get enough of the other. "I'm going to let my parents know we're going and grab my purse. You're sure I look okay?" He rolled his eyes. "Okay! I'll be right back."
I ran up the stairs and went to knock on my parents' door. Dad opened it.
"You guys going so soon?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm just going to grab my purse and we'll head out." I backed away from the door a bit but Dad grabbed my arm.
"Wait, sweetie, I've got a question. Jordan is in your grade right?" He had his worried face on and that made me want to worry. "How old is he, again?"
I bit my lip. "He'll be eighteen next month."
"Eighteen? Really? And he's still a sophomore?" He didn't look happy. Crap. My dad thinks my boyfriend is dumb.
"Dad, he's kinda dyslexic. Like Uncle Neil?" I whispered, hoping Jordan couldn't hear us. I knew he was really uncomfortable with the fact that he needed help and I didn't want him to feel I thought anything less of him because of it. "It just took them a while to figure out what was going on. He's really smart, he just has trouble with reading. So yeah, he's had to repeat a few grades. That doesn't make him any less than anyone else!"
Dad held up his hands and laughed. "Sorry! I didn't mean to imply anything like that. I mean, it is odd that he's still in your grade, but I understand how something like that can make school harder than it should be. I'm sorry I assumed something else. And I hope he realizes how lucky he is you're so defensive of him." He opened his arms to me and I hugged him. I missed the easy relationship we used to have. I pulled away and headed for my room.
"Thanks, Dad. I'll see you later tonight."
"At eleven!" he insisted.
"Yes, Dad, at eleven."
An hour and a half later we sat sharing a chocolate milkshake in the front seat of Jordan's car. We were parked a little ways from where the practice would be and were planning to head in soon. The rest of the band wouldn't be at the loft for a while yet but Jordan liked the idea of us having some time alone, even if it was in the loft.
I took a sip from the drink and handed it to Jordan. "Sorry about the third degree from my dad," I murmured. Jordan just shrugged.
"It's a little awkward but I don't really mind," he replied, laughing a little. "My old man couldn't care less about where I am or who I hang out with. As long as I'm not in his way, it doesn't matter to him. But your folks are different. I mean, it is kinda uncomfortable but not anything I can't handle. Your dad just wants you to be safe. I get it."
I worried at my lip. Since he'd told me about how his mother had left, I'd been concerned about him going home. There wasn't anything I could do and I knew that he was capable of protecting himself but… I cared about Jordan. I really didn't want him hurt. So, I had questions, lots of them. And even though I wanted to ask, I didn't want him to think I was prying or being too pushy.
"Is it really that bad at home for you?" I asked softly.
I could see a frown cross his face before he turned from me and slowly let out a breath. After that he wouldn't look at me but I could tell the blank-ish look had come back into his eyes. "Yeah."
"You're going to be old enough to live on your own soon…"
"But I can't afford it." He finally looked back at me and smirked a bit. "My job doesn't pay enough for me to have my own place, especially in Three Rivers. Before you, I had kinda thought I'd drop out at eighteen, move to Pittsburgh and just get a GED or something later. But now that I'm planning on staying in school, I don't want to change schools. Working at a garage part time, I can't afford anything around here. Believe me, I've looked." I frowned.
"So you spend a lot of time in your car?"
"Yeah, I've had to sleep here a few times," he almost whispered. "I don't really want to talk about this, Ange."
"I just, like, worry about you, you know?" He nodded and I kept talking. "I just want to know you're safe." He didn't move or speak, didn't even look at me, but I knew what I'd said meant something to him. "So when you can't stay in the car, where else do you go?"
"You know the place I showed you? The old warehouse where I took Ricky?" I nodded. "I go there sometimes." That place had been so depressing; it was hard to think of him staying there, even for a night. "Angela, I don't wanna get into this."
I nodded, torn between wanting to know more and wishing I'd never asked in the first place. As hard as it was for me to think about, I knew it was harder for him to talk about. I turned to look back over at him. He hadn't moved. "When was the last time you had to?"
"Thursday. He works the night shift most of the time but he had Thursday off this week, so he was there when I got home after being at your place." He leaned back in the seat and put both hands on the wheel. "Listen, Angela, I'm really not all that comfortable talking about this. Especially with you."
"Why?"
"Because," he growled, "neither of your parents have ever given you a black eye and I'd really like to keep you away from crazy shit like that."
"So you won't even tell me if something happens to you?" I protested.
"Not unless I have to. So just drop it."
"But-" I wanted to say more but he turned to look at me and I could tell he was mad. It was the first time I'd seen him really upset with me.
"Listen," he insisted, "I'm telling you all this because I know you don't feel sorry for me or anything like that. You're asking because you like, care. But I really don't want to talk about this, Angela, and I'm not going to. Maybe if we're like, together for a longer time, I might think about it. But right now, I'm not talking about it, okay?" I nodded and he wrapped his arms around me. "Babe, I'm sorry I yelled at you but… I don't want to talk about my old man."
"Alright, I'll drop it. I'm sorry I pushed you," I whispered. He kissed me and I could taste chocolate on his lips. "Listen, if you ever need a place to crash, I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind too much if you came to us. Ricky stayed with us for a while after his uncle kicked him out." He looked thankful but laughed a little.
"Dunno if you noticed, Angela, but Ricky's gay."
"What clued you in?" I drawled.
"He wears more makeup than you," Jordan joked back. "It's just that I'm pretty sure your parents would rather have Ricky, who isn't going to try to sneak into your bed at night, stay at the house than me." I thought about that.
"And you would be trying to sneak into my bed at night? Even if you knew you weren't going to be getting any?" I asked, a little incredulously. He shrugged and nodded.
"You think I'd be able to stay away?" he asked. "I want you. I know you're not ready yet and that's fine. But I still want you. A lot."
I thought about it for a moment. The fact that he wanted me gave me a nervous, shivery feeling deep in my stomach. Hearing him actually say he wanted me made that feeling tighten and my hands shake. And I knew my parents wouldn't want to let Jordan anywhere near my room. "You're right, they wouldn't be as comfortable. But, the offer still stands."
"Thanks. I'll think about it." He looked at the clock in the dash then kissed me again. "We should get up to the loft. I saw Shane go in a few minutes ago."
I held doors while he carried his guitar and amp up to the space. Jordan had been right; Shane was already there when we came in. I'd seen him with Jordan a few times but had never actually met him; I wondered if Jordan would introduce us now.
"Jordan!" he shouted, walking over to us. "Man, am I glad to see you! Paul was being such a dick earlier; I thought I was going to hit the fucker."
Jordan snorted at him. "Dude, you always want to hit Paul."
"Because he's always being a douche." He looked over at me and cringed. "Sorry. Umm-" I was beginning to feel awkward. But Shane looked right at me and smiled. "Angela, right? Shane." He stuck out his hand for me to shake and I took it without thinking. His hand was warm and dry and his smile was huge as he spoke. Jordan dropped his gear off by Shane's and walked back over to us, smiling.
"Hi." Why the hell was I so intimidated by this? I dropped my hand down and played with the hem of my shirt, wishing I'd just gone with my instincts earlier and changed in to something else, anything else. I felt really out of place.
"I see you two have met." Jordan grabbed my hand, effectively stopping my fidgeting. I looked up at him but he was already looking down at me, a small smile on his lips. "Ange, Shane is like, my best friend. Almost like a brother, you know? He's always been there for me."
"Dude, you're making me sound gay," Shane complained. I giggled, I couldn't help it. "You came to watch us practice before, right?"
"Yeah, like, a couple months ago," I said, nodding.
He smiled. "Cool. I'm gonna go set up. Later."
I looked up at Jordan and he smiled at me then kissed my cheek. "I'm gonna set up too. There's beer and pop in the fridge so you can like, have whatever. The hammock gets snagged pretty quick so if you want it, you should grab it now." He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Maybe I'll join you at the break." I blushed and pulled him closer, gripping his jacket.
"Well, then. I'll just go sit in the hammock." He laughed and pushed me towards it gently. I climbed in, sat back and just watched.
A/N:
Yay! Some Fluff! ::sighs:: I love letting them just be cute.
Again, I don't own it!
A little trivia about the show: Claire Danes was born in April of 1979, which makes her 4 months older than me. (I know! We're both 30 this year! Gasp!) Jared Leto was born in December of 1971, making him a little less than 2 years younger than my husband (Jared's 37 now, hubby is 39). Now, that's fine where we all are in age presently. No big deal. However, in 94, when the series was filmed, Ms Danes was 15 and Jared was 22, almost 23. Which in my mind, actually makes the make out scenes the tiniest bit creepy.
And I know that the height difference between them isn't quite as great as I've been saying. It's more like, her nose is just below his chin. But... okay, it sounds really dumb and shit but... My husband is a lot taller than me, as in my eyebrows are below his collarbone. I'm not short, either. In fact, I'm an inch taller than "average". In 2 inch heels, I'm 5'9" and just reach his chin. My Sasquatch is just massive. :-) And it feels really fucking good when he hugs me and I'm so completely surrounded by him. So call me names, but I decided she's shorter and he's taller. :-P
The next chapter might take a while. I've had 6 or 7 chapter Ideas pop into my head in the past 3 days... so it's been difficult to focus on one thing. I'm working on 5, though and I have several more that need just a bit more work before they're ready to be edited.
Again, I must thank my lovely Beta, luvjordan, for her insight and support. Thank you, dear!
Please Read and Review, lovelies! I love getting reviews.
