A long time ago, in a parallel universe far, far, away...

Harry sat under the hat, waiting.

Harry Evans has a very warped history, but here's a short summary: James Potter became influenced by the Dark Side and joined the Death Eaters carrying a box of cookies the whole way. He launched an attack on the Longbottoms, and Neville became The Boy Who Made Voldemort Cry So Hard That He Actually Felt Remorse Somehow and Reversed the Effects of the Horcruxes, Which Destroyed Him. Epic Fail, Voldemort! (James ran away and got eaten by wolves, who were eaten by Kreacher, who was eaten by Hermione, the President of the Society to Kill All House Elves, or S.K.A.H.E. for short, who was eaten by Norberta, who was eaten by Aragog, who died of cancer.) So Severus married Lily, but no name sounds good before Snape, so instead of naming their son Harry Snape, Lily divorced Snape and named her son Harry Evans. THE END.

So the hat was placed on Harry Evans. Harry radiated so much braveness that the sword of Godric Gryffindor fell out of the hat and split open Harry's head. As a result, Ron became the hero and Dumbledore's best friend until Dumbledore was eaten by Hagrid who was eaten by Norberta who was eaten by Aragog who died of cancer.