My Life. Well, what was left.

I was right about my mother.

When I walked through the front door, I regretted it instantly.

Sheesh. It was like I had committed a National crime.

Mothers. I thought bitterly. Unlike some, she was a, what you call "Authoritarian". Her way or the highway kind of deal. It was okay. I had my father.

Don't get me wrong or anything my mother was a good mom. She had been through a lot in her lifetime, and I understood that. Without her I wouldn't have the divine patience that I have today. Without her 3 hour "killing sessions" I mean, lectures, high school would be hell. Things have gotten better since, well, my mother has calmed down some and gives me free rope, of which I was thankful. More than she knew.

After a 20 minuet one sided conversation about responsibility and the fact that I was still living under her roof, I stomped up the stairs to my dark, cold room.

I was too exhausted to change into my pajamas. I didn't even want to make the short walk to the bathroom to wash my face or to take my contacts out. My legs were heavy and so was my heart. I had enough today. With going to…. Our place.

Right then I regretted thinking about it again. It stung. It bit at my stomach like leeches or ticks. The pain was unimaginable. I wouldn't think about it tonight. I couldn't.

I kicked off my shoes and pulled back my comforter. I would sleep in jeans tonight I didn't care.

I pulled out my phone to check my missed calls. I had 2 from my mother, and 1 from Jade. Jade had also left a voice mail. I would see her tomorrow, she could tell me then. Right now I just didn't care. Again.

I closed my eyes. Trying hard not to picture his face. But, without fail I did. I always did. Even in my depth of drowsiness, my body always stayed conscience long enough to see his face one last time. Just enough to pull me under.

School had become habitual.

Something that kept me alive, something to pass my time.

When I walked from my truck into the front doors of Tunkhannock High, Jade was already at my side with questions flying around everywhere.

She was very enthusiastic today, for it only being 8:10.

Jade has been my best friend since we were in the womb. Practically we were sisters. Never apart, but lately distance has been my second best friend. She was a lot taller than me, but it wasn't hard to do. Her red curly hair lay in spirals down to her shoulders, and she had so many freckles that made her completion much darker than mine. Both of our styles were similar, comfortable and unique. We rather make and design then buy right off the rack. Both very vintage, and nonetheless very stubborn.

"AUGUST!" Jade yelled, waving her fingers in front of my face. So many distractions.

" Eh, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just… tired. And obviously not as hyper as you in the morning." I hissed.

"Whatever, what's with you Anymore?" She challenged. Then dismissed the thought.

"Never mind. Just listen to me for one moment of your life, this is important. You know that um, essay that's due today in Mrs. Kippers class? The Great Gatsby one." She urged.

Oh. Crap. She obviously read it on my face.

"Yeah! That's what I thought. You didn't do it. Didn't you get my massage last night? Huh? I called you and you didn't answer me." She shrieked smugly.

"Sorry, I was asleep." I Lied.

"August I called you when it was still daylight." She said more relaxed. She knew.

By this time we were right in front of my locker and I was waging a war against my combination lock. Finally I got it open and I looked at her.

"You went to the place again, didn't you?" She spoke gently leaning against the locker bay, like she could crush me with just one word. Simply put, she could.

"I don't want to talk about it Jade. I had to go. You don't understand." I struggled to get the words out. She looked at me with deep concern. Like a mother looking at her child who was getting stitches. I had many wounds. I fumbled over the books in my locker, and finding the one I needed The Great Gatsby.

"The Essay, shoot! What am I going to do?" I quickly thought of something to say about the missing essay. Maybe I could fake sick. Not like I didn't look like death anyway. I had always been pale, but my skin was porcelain. I never had to purchase blush because it was perfectly placed on the high arch of my cheekbones natural. Nor did I really have a want to wear make- up. It made me feel fake, like a lie. Same with my hair color. It was naturally gold. Not blond per say, but more like the sun. But everything today was colorless. I was officially turning into a zombie.

"Well not much you can do about it now. Let's go to class. Oh by the way, have you seen the new boy?" She said more quite now so the other miscellaneous teens wouldn't here our banter.

"No." I said simply. I didn't pay attention to anything that moved especially those that resembled a male form.

"Well you need to see this guy. I mean wow. He takes hot to a totally different level. It's unfair." She laughed at her own assumption. She was boy crazy. Actually that didn't cover it. Her life revolved around boys. It all happened after she read the Twilight series. Edward Cullen the Beautiful, strong vampire and Jacob Black a muscular hunk of a werewolf fighting over one insignificant person named Bella Swan. I know more than once she would fantasize about being Bella Swan. It got so bad that she even stalked the actors who played in the movies on the internet for weeks. That's why I never read them. I saw what it did to her. She hasn't been able to think straight since.

"Well maybe I'll see him sometime." I reasoned. But I probably wouldn't.

We walked to class together. Before we got there Jade was filling me in on some sophomore drama, fights, breakups, I was so lost. I'd lost touch with a lot of my other friends after… anyway. Everything was news to me.

Class went by slowly.

Mrs. Kipper was obviously upset that I did not remember my essay but she gave me an extra day to do it. She has sympathy for my overly pathetic life.

Everyone occasionally glanced my way when they thought I wasn't looking. This was normal. They knew my life wasn't a piece of cake anymore. I bet some of the caddy girls were happy that my life was not "perfect". Like it ever was. But that's the way of the world is these days. It's disgusting.

After class was over I was a bit more chipper. The day flew by. The same ol' same. After English I went to physics with Mr. Petermitler.

In class there was me and 24 Seniors. It was okay with me, it gave me more of a reason to pay attention and keep my A. We talked about reasons for gravity explanations and how scientists could be proven wrong by their own theories. I knew the answers but I didn't speak. Everyone can be wrong it some way or another. God only knows the truth.

After, I went to Government, my least favorite, with . This lady was so far left; she had posters of Obama all over the class room and made it a priority for her students to read his book. I didn't even think twice about it. She gripped when she realized how many of us didn't read.

Then I went to Spanish, I had that again with jade which made it bearable.

Before lunch I had arts appreciation, my favorite class. I loved Art. It was something I could relate to.

Mr. Liv was always in a good mood despite having to put up with disobedient adolescence for the rest of his existence. I would never understand why he found the cockiness of teen rebellion so appealing, but whatever floats his boat. I would say it more than once, he made me smile, because he was so insightful. He knew what I had been through, and he knew the emotions I wore on my sleeve. He class was genuinely the best part of the day.

I went to lunch all the same. Me and Jade walked together like every other day and took our normal seats next to some of our other "not as close" friends. Before we got to the table Mauve Foster and Addison Welds were already there having another argument. It was so obvious by their facial expressions and the tone of their voices.

I looked at Jade as she looked back at me; we decided to sit at the other end of the table to avoid awkwardness. By the time I got there to sit I picked up enough words to know what they were arguing about.

Addison, was easily the most handsome guy at our school, now anyway. So naturally, Mauve was always on her guard. He was tall, had brown shaggy hair and bright blue eyes that just poured into your soul. He was also a flirt. That's what got him in trouble this time.

Mauve was extremely tall, well taller than jade and slightly shorter than her boyfriend. Supermodel came to mind when I first saw her. Dark brown hair flowed in waves down to her waist that helped bring out the brown in her hazel eyes. I don't understand why she freaks out so much. She's beyond more beautiful than any other girl. Once Jade told me I would give her a run for her money. I laughed in her face.

Addison gave us a regretful look, as if he were hoping we would sit closer so the fight would stop. I gave him a slight frown and looked away. I wouldn't interrupt.

That's when Carly Sims sat down a crossed from me by Jade.

"Another fight, great." She said, rolling her eyes.

"I know, it's ridiculous." Jade muttered. "How was your weekend though?" She sighed getting up from the table.

"It was alright. I had to babysit for my little brother everyday and didn't get much homework done. He's getting better! I'm so happy! He can walk again and everything. Surgery was so upsetting for me and my mom but we are both still praying that he will pull through. I believe he will." She smiled.

"He will!" I said back with a smile, getting up from the table looping my arm through hers.

"Yes, Carly if your family needs anything you know who to call, okay?" Jade spoke, looping her arm around Carly's other arm.

"I love you guys so much, what would I do without you?" You could see her eyes wetting with tears.

Her brother was 4 and had leukemia. You know the blood disease that deprives the body of red blood cells and infected it with white. Her brother has had it for two years and just got done with a bone marrow transplant a week beforehand. He was stronger. Which was very good. I had seen the worst part of the disease take him. It was hard to handle and brought up memories that were unwelcome. Especially when we went to the hospital. I escaped the memory right then. Not today.

When we got back to the table others had joined us finally.

Andrew was sitting there with a sad look on his face. I knew why, his other half was not there. Kendall.

"Where is Kendall" I asked sitting where I had sat before, right next to Andrew.

"She's home sick today. Stomach flu." He sighed.

I moved further away from him, in reaction to his words.

"Oh whatever August, I don't have it". He joked flinging his arm around my shoulder and tugging me closer to him. He breathed in my face. His breath engulfing my entire countenance. I shrugged away and got him a piece of gum from my purse and flung it at him. Jade laughed.

"Hey guys!" Anna shouted. The entire lunch room heard her.

She has always had a set of pipes on her. She was the one that everyone knew could sing and, would make sure you knew it. She was a natural show off and loved when all eyes were on her.

"You won't believe who I just talked to!" She boasted, while raising her eye brawls, to see who was going to respond.

"Let me guess, the new guy." Addison said with a spit. I was surprised to hear him talk. I looked over to see that they had made up. Sickeningly.

"What Addison, you already don't like the guy? Your just jealous that he's hotter then you." Could she say it any louder?

"Whatever Anna, at least I can keep my weight under control without barfing." That was over the line.

"I don't puke, that's disgusting you ass..." She lied. We all knew the truth.

"Anyways…" Mauve interrupted. I was thankful. What was with this new guy anyway? I hadn't seen him yet today. I was kind of thankful since his presence has started so many complications and he has only been going here for one day.

Lunch went by fast. All of us talked and joked. It would never be the same though. My heart sank. I felt sick. I didn't finish my pizza and left lunch early. I got to my math class and started on my homework for tonight. I was in pre calculus. I was thankful for it more so then none. It took concentration that left other memories behind. This was my last class before the end of the day. I knew this would go by fast, then I would be home bound. Other students started to compile into the class.
I closed my book and left the homework I was working as a bookmark saving the page. Then I heard a gasp come from my right. The room got quiet. I look over at the girl who sat beside me. She was obviously the one who had gasped. Her face was stricken with shock like she had witnessed a crime or a car accident. I stared in the direction that her eyes were glued to. A boy stood in the doorway.

He was looking around the room for a vacant seat, arms empty. Without a doubt I knew this was the boy everyone was talking about. At that moment I could not pull my gaze away from him. They were wrong, all of them. He was more than "hot", he was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I tore my gaze away when he rested his eyes on the seat right beside me, to my left. I breathed evenly. I looked to my right again at the girl. She watched him the entire time mouth hanging wide open. I wanted to snap her jaw shut so she would have some of her dignity left. I secretly hoped she would start drooling.

I looked over to my left to see if he had sat down yet. He was sitting. He was looking at me, like I had spoken to him. Did I? I don't think so.

His brown eyes were big and bright. I'd never seen such a brown before. They were rich with chocolate, and had russet highlights that made them burn, his gaze was penetrating. They were deep set into his flawless face. His skin was silky and smooth, just a tad darker than mine. His hair had been freshly cut, short and barely brushing his forehead. His hair also was a profound coffee color like his eyes; he ran his fingers through it. He was tall, maybe 6'2. As he sat he had some trouble fitting into the school desk; his knees hit the metal frame. He wore a black leather jacket that fit precariously over his muscular arms. I'd guess he had worn it every day for a few years. The material was worn and wrinkled and shined wet from the snowfall outside. His cheeks and the tip of his nose had a rose blush. He'd been outside running? He smiled gently at me, his full lips stretching, hugging his perfectly straight milky white teeth and turned to look at the teacher who was approaching him. Her gaze was the same as everyone else's. I blushed and looked away from him. My heart pounded against my chest. Wow. Adrenaline was pumping through my system. I hadn't felt this in months.

Class held none of my attention, and I could probably speak for every female in the room, including the teacher. She even had trouble concentrating and sometimes got the wrong answers on her examples. It made me laugh. Nonetheless, I tried to push the feeling out of my mind. I was good at pushing feelings away. I was a pro, actually. But I could not ignore the intense feeling to look at this boy. I'd go to look at him and decided it was best not to give into the feeling. I made it through the entire hour without a glace in his direction. I couldn't help but feel like he was looking at me though. I felt the heat of his eyes on my face multiple times throughout the class. And my accusations were correct when the girl sitting beside me caught me in the hall after I booked it out of there without any other temptations.

"Did you know that guy, sitting beside you today?" Sarah lakes, asked in a casual tone.

"No actually, I've never met him before in my life. Why?" I asked curious. Hoping she would just shut her mouth and walk away unsatisfied. But I was wrong.

"He couldn't keep his eyes off of you. Didn't you notice? He is mouth watering. If I were you, I would be all over that". She smiled and walked away.

"Well good thing im not you". I muttered under my breath.

"Talking to yourself again August?" I jumped at Jades Voice.

"Sheeshh" I spat at her.

"Sorry sorry, how were the rest of your classes? Anything interesting?" She asked as we walked to our cars in the lightly falling snow.

I thought about telling her. I wanted to.

"Nothing out of the ordinary." I lied. I'll keep this one to myself.

I said goodbye to Jade and told her I would see her tomorrow. She was so excited about tonight, that my sudden mood "drop" had not fazed her in the least. She was going over to James Harrington's house. He was a junior and she has had a crush on him since the first day she laid eyes on him, back in 6th grade. They were going to watch a movie and I'm sure they will have a make-out session, or a few.

I worried about my best friend and her sometimes intense sexual desires. I can just picture it one day, me sitting beside her in a bathroom somewhere, forcing ourselves to stay calm while the little white pregnancy test sits lightly on the sink. We awaiting the information that will either end her life or the relaxed but changed attitude about future decisions of sexual behavior, when the results read no. When I told her about it, she would always say "Don't worry, I know how to control myself, I would never let it get that far". I knew her better then herself. I knew that with men, she could not control anything. She once made me promise that if I receive a test massage saying "Stars are shooting" meant in code that she was about to go too far, and that I had to call right away with some sort of excuse of why she needed to leave. I've receive that text 4 times. Hence, she had no control.

I drove home slowly trying to enjoy the familiar roads. I've lived here my whole life. I could drive home with my eyes closed and make it there safe every time.

But as always, my mood changes to misery. I am content when I am busy, not able to think, but when I get alone without any distractions, I always think about….

When I pulled up to my house my usual parking spot was taken. My brother's car took up the empty space.

How rude, I thought.

I parked down the road in front of the neighbor's house. I felt the anger well up inside me.

I slammed the front door and walked right up the stairs into my untidy room without a hello to anyone in my house. But, before I could set my stuff down, I heard thumping feet coming up the stairs. My door whipped open hitting the side of my wall with a loud thud. I cringed.

"Sis!". I looked at my brother, Donovan, standing in the doorway. I glared at him.

"Hey bub". I sighed finally releasing my anger. Like a hot air balloon releasing its steam. My anger rushed out of me. I walked over and hugged him.

"I miss you!" He gushed. Picking me up in his embrace.

"You only live like 45 minutes away, you freak". I laughed, forgetting the fact that he missed my birthday this year, and that he wasn't there for me during the hardest time of my life and he took my parking spot. I was too nice to him. But he did know how to make me smile, sometimes.

"Well, what? I haven't seen you in months." He chuckled. Dragging me back through the door down the stairs into the kitchen where my mother was cooking. Weird. It was only 4.

"You took my parking though". I said smug. He looked at me, glaring.

"Enough with the mellow drama August, your brother is just staying here for diner then he's leaving" She spoke to me giving me the harry eyeball, moving some pots around the stove and measuring water to enhance the flavor and make the pot-roast juicer. I looked over at my brother who was now kneeling down to pet our old beagle Jessie. We got her when I was 10 years old. She was the best dog. She would lay with me through tearful nights. She never left me, and was always happy to see me even though she did not know my situation. Everyone needed a dog's intuition.

I stared at my brother. Everyone one said we looked exactly alike but I didn't see it in the face. His golden hair mimicked mine; he wore it to his shoulders, He displayed the obvious characteristics of my father and I my mother. Donovan was 6 feet tall at leased and had been that way since he was 12. He played basketball every single year since the sixth grade, he was the star player. His senior year they went all the way to state and won. Both I and my parents were so proud. He was always the star child, the most popular in school and finished first in his class. He was more outgoing then me in any given situation. He graduated last year which would make him 3 years older than me. He was now living on his own about 45 minutes up the road with a few buddies of his, going to college on a basketball scholarship. How lucky could someone's life get?

We ate dinner at the table like a normal family. Have we ever been normal?

I couldn't help but notice how much happier my parents were when my brother was home. There was no longer a thick essence of loss that was permitted on my behalf that floated off my skin when Donovan was around. The quite was filled with laughter and spoken words. More then I let him know, I was glad that he came around when my mood was more irritated then in high spirits. This of course made me feel more like a burden on my parents. I left the dinner table, without speaking more than 2 words to leave more than enough room for my brother to speak. They watched me walk gingerly, emotionlessly, from the table to take my plate to the kitchen sink. I dropped it in with a audible tink, as it hit another ceramic platter. I walked away from them without looking at their faces. They didn't talk.

I crept up the stairs, hardly making it before I hit the floor. I got through the door and felt the dark gray carpet under my knees and palms. I couldn't breathe. My breath got stuck and left me gasping for nothing. I hadn't even felt the tears on my face until I pulled my hands up to grasp my head to stop the spinning. My stomach was tearing apart. There were invisible bugs, serpent like killing bugs eating at my stomach. It hurt so badly, all of me did. Then suddenly I felt hands on my back. I was now shaking violently, loud gasps were coming from my throat. The pain got too ghastly, images flashing a crossed my memories like a wild fire. I screamed through my tears. The emptiness I felt was too much. I felt my brother put his arms around my shoulders and pull me around so I was cradled in his arms, my face in his shoulder. His shirt helped saturate most of the tears on my cheeks, but they kept flowing effortlessly. He pulled me into his arms and laid me on my bed pulling the covers over me. I assume he stayed with me until the tears and low moans ceased, until my eyes closed in a peaceful sleep instead of trying to hold back cries of sorrow and pain. I thought at one moment I heard him tell me everything was going to be okay. Things would get better. But I had heard that before. They hadn't gotten better, had they? Some nights it felt like things were progressively getting worse. Especially tonight.

I woke up the next morning barely able to open my eyes. They were crusted and stuck shut. They hurt and were brittle. I got out of my bed eyes still shut, and felt my way to the bathroom so I could put a warm wet rag on them, so they would moisten enough so I could open them. When I pried them open I stared at myself in the mirror. My left cheek was swollen from where my face landed on my carpet so roughly, and my eyes were swollen and red. My lips were cracked and bloody.

I had no idea who I was when I looked at my reflection. This isn't how things are supposed to be. I'm supposed to be happy, full of life.

I took a palm full of water with both hands and splashed my face a few times and washed off all the blood. Then I brushed my teeth. I walked back down the hallway to my room and looked at my phone. It was already 10. I wasn't going to school today.

I looked at my phone, jade had called 7 times and left 3 text messages.

"Hey do you think it's too cold for shorts" She sent at 6:25 am. Of course it was, jade, you idiot. Its 22 degrees outside with an inch of snow on the ground. The second one read..

" Hey, where are you?". At 8:15. First period had started. Then she sent the last one about 5 seconds later.

"Well that's enough for me, ill be over after school! Just sleep." Wow she knew me too well.

I pulled on an old hoodie and some sweat pants. I walked down the stairs. I decided today might be a good day for laundry. I was out of underwear.

I brought down my hamper and threw in a load and watched as it spun to life. I turned to look out the window when I realized I wasn't alone.

Donovan's car was still parked out in front of the house in my usual parking space. I walked to the living room and saw him sitting there on the sofa eating bowl of cereal and watching cartoons, with a mystified frown on his face.

"What are you still doing here?" I questioned.

"I told mom I would stay here till you woke up, to make sure everything was going to be okay". Or that I wasn't going to slit my wrists, I thought.

"Thanks". I muttered. I walked over and sat next to him. I put my head on his shoulder and looked to see what he was watching.

"I never knew that things were this bad, August". It was almost a whisper.

"Only at night." I corrected him, staring blankly at the television seeing nothing.

"He loved you, ya know". He spoke gently in a soothing voice.

"When we would hang out and stuff, I could see it in his eyes". He turned to look at me.

I looked at him. I had nothing to say.

"He didn't even have to say it. August, he wouldn't want you to be this way." He shook his head.

"He would have wanted you to be happy". He took my hand and continued.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when it happened. I couldn't be around it all. He was my friend too." Then he stopped, and pulled me into his arms.

"I love you baby sis." He pulled me tight.

"If you need anything, I promise I'll be here for you. I won't ditch you like I did before".

Finally I opened my mouth. I pushed my lids down so the tears wouldn't flow.

"I know bub, I know." I sat with him, patting his back.

Donovan left shortly after. I owed him.

I went into the kitchen and figured I should probably eat something even though I wasn't hungry. I went to the cabinet and got a pop tart out and plopped it into the toaster pushing down the lever with one motion of my hand. I turned to lean against the counter.

Would this feeling ever go away? Would I always be this broken girl who lost her only real love? I was only 17 years old. I came to terms that time does not heal. It's all a lie.

I was living proof.