" I've never felt this way before,
Everything that I do, reminds me of you.
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do.
When you walk away I count the steps that you take;
Do you see how much I need you right now ? "
- Avril Lavigne, "When You're Gone"
Hello again everyone! I know I've been gone for ages and not updating, but this IS my final year so I can't risk becoming too sidetracked from my classes. Plus, I've been without internet ever since I moved out of my home, which sucks big time.
But I know nobody's here to listen to me whining and moaning, so here we go, finally, an update!
Why this song? Well, it most obviously fits Edward and Winry's relationship.
Sorry if this is a little gloomy sometimes; but as in real life, ficitonal characters can't always get only the good parts goin'! There are a lot of hidden pains and scars in each one of them, and things that also compromise their relationship. I just feel a need to explore that, together with all the good stuff that comes along.
These flaws make them so much more complete and perfect...
CHAPTER THREE: Saudades
How was this possible? How on God's name could she be so stupid? He hadn't called her in a months…
Edward was gone again. Nearly five months now. After the "engagement party" that summer, he told her he really needed to go back West to talk to a very special man, a person whom would have answers for some of his and his brother's questions.
Something about modifying the Law of Equivalent exchange.
But did that mean that he had to stop calling her? He would only call once every week, and he was always in a hurry, couldn't stay more than a couple of minutes on the phone.
"I'm so stupid!" She wailed as she sunk into her mattress limply. In ten minutes she sogged up her pillow and then, annoyed, she threw it on the floor. It wasn't like her to be this angry. It wasn't like her at all.
She usually coped very well with his absence, but now… It was like she was paranoid. Constantly thinking about how she missed him and how badly she wanted him back. Thinking about those two years he and Al had stayed at home with her and Granny… She wished she could turn back the clock somehow. Those two dummies were gone again and here she laid, red face filled with tears that pooled up over her sheets.
It must have been the kisses. Of course! They changed everything between them. Or rather, they changed the way she saw him; he was no longer her childhood friend, but a man that belonged to her the way she belonged to him. This sounded a bit archaic, yes, but she couldn't shake off that sense of belonging, of ownership almost. She kept holding on to a dream - which visited her day and night.
Edward would arrive in a beautiful day, and hug her closely.
They would schedule the date for the wedding.
He would help her with the plans.
Alphonse would come, they'd hug, and talk forever.
Ed would finally be waiting for her inside the chapel, handsome as never before.
The wedding day would be fabulous, dazzling.
The wedding night would be better.
They would share all things that a married couple share. The kisses that night would be going deeper and further than ever…
And then what? The dream, lately, had taken a turn for the worst… She'd give herself to him and then he'd be gone after a month, maybe two. Would they be going out on a honeymoon? Or would she be left alone and aching, while he wandered off again… Into new towns… Meeting new people, new women…
Too many doubts.
At this point of her "dream" she had her head filled with a thousand silent voices chanting tales of unfaithful men and the crushed women they left behind.
Or young lovers torn by early, untimely deaths…
That was it. She couldn't marry him. He'd never be with her for too long, she'd always doubt and worry until she got sick. She was used to waiting for him, but that was before… Her mind works different ways now – she's a woman, having already accomplished her 20th birthday in November – and it was January now. She didn't want to be one of those poor women who sit and wait for the rest of their lives, bound to their husband's wandering spirits.
She'd rather be alone.
And, shivering with pain, she threw her ring with all her might through her bedroom window and into the darkness, where it fell. Hopefully the cold dark night would somehow swallow it forever.
Somewhere very far away, a young man shifted uncomfortably in his sleep. He woke up suddenly and gasping for air, crushed beneath the weight of the nightmare he had just had.
Winry leaving him, while he stayed at home, helplessly conducting petty experiments and rereading used books countless times. "Goodbye," she told him with a cold stare before slamming the door and leaving.
He shivered as he looked around the dirty, ragged tent he was sleeping in. The joint of his automail and leg throbbed painfully and so he instinctively threw his hands around it to still the pain.
He shuffled to reach the inside pocket of his trench coat, taking him only a moment to find what she sought for – a somewhat worn picture of him and Winry taken the year before, 1914, during the summer. All three of them had one. He torn it one night, because originally Alphonse was also there but Ed decided that it was inappropriate for his little brother to remain in the frame. The generous cleavage of the dress she wore had had something to do with that act of vandalism; also the way she'd wrapped her arm around Ed's neck…
He felt a slight pang of guilt as he lingered upon his devious reasons. He knew nobody else was around but still he had to look around to check nobody saw him; it was almost instinctive. He then pressed the picture to his cheek, near his lip, and rest it upon his heaving chest. He looked at it again, staring at the blue of her eyes.
"Soon," he told it as if his words could reach her from that far away. "I'll be there soon. Just for you. I promise."
"Winry, what are you doing out there?" Pinako called her granddaughter, worried that the girl might have gone bananas. She was scouting the backyard lawn as if someone had told her a hidden treasure chest was buried underneath; what worried the elder Rockbell was that this was one of the rainiest days of January she'd ever seen.
"I'm such an idiot, SUCH an idiot…" The girl kept muttering to herself, soaked to her bones and her hands as cold as ice, every inch of her covered in mud. The day was coming to an end and she still hadn't found her ring!
Pinako sighed and trudged back home when she heard the phone ring. Youngsters these days, always so dramatic.
Not two minutes later she was back outside, yelling at Winry to go inside quickly. Edward was on the phone, and he was on a hurry. As usual.
"You better get yourself dried out before you grab this phone!"
"I'll clean up later grandma, now let me talk to him!"
"Fine. But I want it squeaky clean," the old woman backed away from the phone, as if standing there would mean she might get trampled by her descendant.
"Edward?" The mechanic breathed heavily into the mouthpiece.
"Wow. You don't sound so good. How're you doing?" His voice was distorted with static; he was on an unstable line.
"Me? I'm fine! What about you? You haven't called me in forever! What's – "
A loud static sound screeched into her ears, startling her terribly. The sound of his voice came out even worse than before.
"No time to explain. I've talked to the person I was searching for. I can't wait to get back home! Also, I have an idea that – "
The line dropped.
She waited held the phone in her hand gingerly for several minutes until her grandmother approached her and took it from her hand, placing it back in its due place.
"At least you know he's fine now. Take a bath, child. You need it."
Winry threw her grandmother a vague, expressionless look before dragging herself upstairs.
As she held her breath under water, she cursed having been born a woman. "I hate this time of the month…"
Two days later, an odd package arrived to the Rockbell residence. Winry opened the cardboard box, which was filled with paper to protect its content. The plain white wrapping paper had a different texture than she was used to; and aside from the black ribbon tying it there was a wax crest with what seemed like a foreign symbol.
She flipped it around and she found a note: "For Edward Elric only. Important and exclusive. Brother, please read the letter inside. Regards, Alphonse."
What could this be…? Winry's curiosity was killing her but there was no way she could look inside. If she broke the wax crest, Edward would know.
She felt somewhat angry. There they were again, keeping more secrets from her as usual… But she didn't care, that was probably just some crappy alchemical stuff she was nowhere near interested in.
"Screw this," she cursed as she sent the package sliding on the floor; and as it disappeared underneath her closet she couldn't care less about it.
Since she had nothing much to do, she went digging for pictures she kept in a box inside her closet. The one on top, one of her favorites, had the three of them smiling vigorously at the camera. It had been a very happy summer, right before they left again for their travels to Xing and the West… She could remember how tightly she'd held on to Ed's neck, and how sheepishly he had looked when his gaze accidentally met her cleavage that afternoon. And after that, she could not fail to notice, his eyes lingered upon her figure too many times to be accidental.
The picture that came next had been taken sometime in October of 1913, a little over a year after they had completed their quest. Ed was softly combing his left hand's fingers through Den's fur, both sitting on top of the stone wall that ran along the path to the Rockbell house. He looked so peaceful and cheery, a mood that contrasted brightly against the dark colors of the sky and the stone wall, but perfectly matched the vibrant gold of some of the leaves on the ground.
Winry had always liked the last days of October. Not just because of her birthday closing in, but also because of the colors that always rule the world around her at that time, and the last leaves falling helplessly on the ground.
But now it all bothered her, because she was still single and untouched at the solid age of 20 and the golden leaves made her remember Ed's fierce eyes. She missed them, God… She really missed them.
So she closed her small memory box again, hiding the smiles and good memories kept in there for the time being. She was rather melancholic, so looking back at how happy she had already been only made her mood that much somber.
Today, however, she was actually kind of cheery for no good reason. She was somewhat… hyper, even. Her dull mood from last week was gone, and instead of feeling a mix of hatred and despise for her fiancé she just couldn't help but miss him terribly and daydream about kissing him when he returned. That same bubbly mood made it almost impossible for her to fall asleep, though.
So that's why she decided to bake an apple pie so late at night.
"I'm off to bed, Winry. Turn that radio down a little, child!"
Since she was feeling particularly rebellious, Winry merely decreased the volume a tiny little bit and hummed a little louder than she had been humming before, dancing alone to the sound of some late night tune.
She heard her grandmother grumble and stomp her way upstairs. The old lady wouldn't be able to hear much of the music anyway. Shortly after Winry removed the pie from the oven and placed it on the kitchen table, she sat down and just stared at the hot steam that slowly danced away from it, spreading its delicious smell all over the place. She kept humming the tune until her eyes became heavy… She wondered how Ed would taste covered in cinnamon syrup, which made her giggle. How silly! Would he taste like cinnamon but with a salty aftertaste?
Right before she fell asleep she dreamt about Edward walking into the kitchen and asking for a slice of pie, his voice a far away echo. Boy, would she give him one nice slice of pie when he returned…
"Winry, are you listening? Are you asleep already?" The voice sounded solid this time.
Huh? She heard a clicking sound and the music from the radio stopped. Unmatched footsteps and an odd metallic sound replaced it, snapping her wide awake back from the limbo she was in.
"Edo!" His name rolled off her tongue like honey the moment she jumped to her feet. She was intent on jumping right into his arms actually, but the sudden movement was just too much for her – instead, she fell back on her chair while lights flashed before her eyes. Her head felt like it was under extreme pressure and it bobbed around for a few seconds, before she managed to regain control and stopped it with her hands.
"Wow. Guess I shouldn't have stood up so fast, huh?" she whimpered. Then she let out a small chuckle as the world around her came into focus; looking up, her eyes met those golden ones she'd missed so badly, that color which no picture could quite capture.
"I missed you so m –" She began, but the cold stare he gave her cut her off mid-sentence.
"You didn't hear my question, did you?" His voice was just about as cold as the stare he was giving her.
Now she could see him. His jacket was ripped and torn in several places and he was partially covered in mud and water due to the raging storm outside. His hair looked dirty and lifeless, and his luggage sitting in the kitchen's entrance didn't look much better. His right hand was balled up into a fist, as if he was clutching something very tightly.
"What question?" She timidly asked.
His right fist dropped with a dry, low thud on the kitchen table. She watched as he opened his hand slowly, like he was putting an effort into that simple gesture. He then removed his hand and stuffed it inside his pocket, revealing her engagement ring.
"Oh! Where was it? How did you find it?" Her own hand reached for it automatically, and she felt so happy when the ring slid back into its proper place that she thought she might jump six feet into the air.
"Pinako told me where she found it. I called again a few days ago to tell you guys I was coming and she was the one who picked up the phone since you weren't home at the time. She found it out of sheer luck and kept it in one of the drawer of the entrance closet. If you didn't want it, you should have told me so."
Why would her grandmother do something like that?
"Wait, wait! I can explain." She jumped up from the chair, this time successfully, and grabbed him tightly by the shoulder. But he shrugged her off, picked up his luggage and made his way upstairs.
"I'm tired and I don't want to hear you out. I've been through a lot of crap lately, so all I want is to go to my bed and have a good night's sleep without having to worry about any wild animals taking my fucking tent down and sinking their teeth into me!"
He finished the sentence nearly yelling at the top of the staircase, not even bothering to look back at her again.
The next day, the weather hadn't improved much. It was still very clouded outside and the rain was just waiting for the best moment to pour like hell. Amazing how the weather seemed to be matching her gloomy mood. Again.
"Go talk to him. He's had a bath and I think he went back inside his room. I'm sure he was just tired last night."
Winry could barely untangle the knot in her throat to reply to her grandmother. "Why", she asked, "why didn't you just give me back the damned ring after you found it? Why tell Edward I'd tossed it out the window!"
"Because he needs to understand you. And you need to understand him also, you have been too stressed out. Now, all you two have to do is talk."
"Bullshit." Winry chewed the word out at her grandmother before she could even help herself. She stormed out, intent on taking a long stroll outside to see if she could calm down.
Turns out Pinako was wrong. Ed wasn't in his room but near the riverbank instead, which sucked because that's exactly where Winry was headed to. She would have noticed him earlier, but she'd been staring at her feet ever since she'd stormed out of her home – as if looking into the gloomy skies would worsen her mood.
She nearly trampled him, unwarily.
"Careful, woman! I'd prefer death by wrench than a stampede." He half-mocked. But since she was in no mood for such things, she merely shifted her path and headed in a different direction, her mud-covered boots squishing and squashing constantly as she walked. However, his voice stopped her from going too far away.
"A hermit." He stated simply while staring into the restless waters of the river. She didn't know why she slowly turned back in his direction as he spoke, but it crossed her mind that they were like two magnets being pulled together by an invisible force.
"I had to go find this insane hermit in some far-off mountain. I swear, westerners are half-crazy. Who the hell exiles himself in some random cave in a mountain? Took me months to follow the lead to where he might be and catch his trail. Everyone said he was a wise man who'd left to meditate but if you ask me, that man was completely bonkers. His beard was so huge I bet a family of mice could have lived there."
He knew she was right behind him, listening closely to his explanation.
"That's why I was unable to call you guys often. For starters, people there have the craziest schedules! Got me a headache whenever I needed to talk to someone. 'Make an appointment', they'd always say."
"You were never really good at appointments. You seldom call when to need to come over for maintenance," Winry stated. She had no second intentions with that comment; it was just the simple truth, although she couldn't dissociate the irritated tone from her voice.
"Well, when I was out on the quest for Al's body, yeah, I'll admit I was a bit… Forgetful. But this time I called, or at least I tried. I talked to Granny," he said, now turning his head to briefly look at her.
Another little anger bubble popped inside Winry's head. Her grandmother didn't warn her about Ed's arrival, and on top of that she told him about the ring. But Winry didn't say anything; she merely nodded for him to proceed, lips pursed in a thin line and arms crossed over her chest.
"Anyway, for about two weeks I had to almost live inside this stupid tent right in the middle of the mountain and its unstable weather. There were tons of wild animals there. I actually got attacked a couple of times," and Ed emphasized his point by unbuttoning his shirt a little, revealing week-old scratches across his skin. Winry let out a worried groan as she outstretched her hand to touch his chest, but she stopped herself from doing it.
"The day before I found the stupid old man this big-ass wolf ripped my tent into shreds and I swear, Winry, that if I could alchemize any sort of weapon right there I would've had wolf stew for lunch. The damned thing even tried to chew my leg off, but then it decided it didn't like metal hitting its snot full-force much. Guess I taught him a lesson."
"You were attacked by a wolf? How can you speak of it that way?" Winry squatted on the ground so she could be face-to-face with Edward, as if she needed to make sure he was okay.
"What way?" The moment she leaned a little closer to him he simply stood up, perhaps a bit faster than he should have.
"Like nothing's happened." Now she stood up as well, taking the one step necessary for them to be standing nose-to-nose – were she his height, of course. Let's just say there were sort of standing chin-to-forehead.
He took another step back. Winry couldn't say she wasn't expecting this at all, but still… It hurt a little.
"I'm sorry, Ed. About the ring. I was just… thinking stupid things." She felt rather sheepish and embarrassed, but when he said nothing she continued, "and I acted rashly, I didn't really think about what I was doing! I was gonna say I'd had a bad day, but I'm guessing your days were a lot worse than mine, right?"
"They were no walk through the park, let's put it like that. But tell me. What 'stupid things' were you thinking about?"
She hesitated before replying, even though she noticed the genuine concern in his eyes. Honestly, how could she tell him about her fears like that? She didn't want to offend him, or worry him, or sound like a desperate damsel. She'd made up her mind long ago that she would be a supporting pillar in his life, so facing the fact that she'd wavered from that decision was rather shameful for her to admit to herself and especially to him.
"It's nothing important. They're just thoughts. Silly ones. No big deal."
"Look, Winry…" He let out a sigh and he pinched the bridge of his nose, as if trying to focus. "I'm sorry for my behavior last night. But I was so tired! And I don't know, I guess I was over thinking about the ring. I didn't even ask you if you'd done it on purpose or not, or why you'd done it. You must have had a good reason for that I guess."
This time he took another step, but not to back away from her. He took the step towards her. "Because I know how you feel. It it isn't easy to wait for me… I have to wait to see you, too."
She was struck by that familiar sensation of having no more air in the Planet to breathe.
"You can tell me your worries, you know? You should tell me. There shouldn't be any more secrets between us, right?" He insisted. The way he'd said that, with such a sweet voice and that cute blush… Oh my Goodness… She felt a little woozy under his stare and it took her a second to realize his hands were holding hers. Oh no. She felt like a thousand crazy butterflies were flapping about inside her and were about to lift her off the ground. She didn't know which one of them was about to kiss the other, but the fact is that both of them leaned in and then…
KA-BOOM, went the thunder somewhere really close by. Instead of kissing him she jumped, startled, and hit his nose with her forehead.
"Owwww! Whoah!"
She made him lose his balance and both of them fell on the ground. Well, Edward did; Winry just toppled right on top of him.
"Damn! Your elbow, I can't breathe!" He complained. She tried to sit up straight and wound up kneeing that especially sensitive area boys have. Obviously she was startled, particularly after that painful sound that came out of his throat.
"Oh no! Edward, I'm so sorry! So so sorry!"
He rolled on the ground for like half a minute while clutching his injured body parts, swearing and cursing, before he managed to stand up.
"Shitshitshit…" He wheezed, "don't you want to have kids some day, woman?"
"I said I was sorry!..." She replied, her hands covering her mouth because she was also trying not to laugh. But…
They both stood looking at each other awkwardly, red as ripe tomatoes after realizing his implications.
He just couldn't help saying something stupid. "What? Don't tell me you don't know where babies come from?"
"Edo! There's no need to be rude!" She squeaked, embarrassed, both hands now covering the rest of her face.
He was just about to try and laugh it off, when another thunder clapped in a hideously high volume. Winry looked as pale as a ghost, being as terrified of thunder as she was; especially of one so nearby.
And all of a sudden, without any warning, water started to pour heavily from the skies. The rain was so intense it almost looked like the clouds had each single-handedly chugged down a whole six-pack.
They both tried running back home as fast as they could, but by the time they reached the porch they were both so soaked they could just flood the entire house.
"You know what…?" Edward gasped out while trying to regain his breath, "I've learnt a valuable lesson."
"What?" she asked, equally as out of breath.
"If I try to be romantic you'll neuter me."
She was tired, yes, but not so tired that she couldn't maul him to death with a vase.
After they'd had a nice warm bath and dried off the floor and furniture (Pinako commanded there be no traces of water or mud inside the house), it was almost time to start making lunch. Winry made her way to the kitchen and Ed turned on the radio and sat on the couch, munching on a slice of last night's pie. Delicious, as usual.
He wanted another slice but she didn't let him – told him it would ruin his appetite.
After lunch and cleaning up the kitchen, Winry had to attend to a customer. While Ed waited for her to finish the appointment, he went back into his room to look through his notebook and tried to call Alphonse, but the Xingese man who picked up the phone wouldn't shut up for three minutes until Ed got pissed off and abruptly ended the call.
Honestly now, if he only says "Alphonse. Alphonse Elric! A-L-P-H-O-N-S-E please!" and blabbers something else in a foreign language, why does the person who's on the other side of the line even bother trying to explain anything at all?
So he was in a bit of a sour mood by the time his own maintenance check began.
"Can I see your scratches?" Winry asked before they began. Ed was already lying down on the work table, only in boxers and a sweater.
"Here's some," he said pointing at his thigh and shin. "See the teeth mark? Ow, and the mosquito bites…"
"I meant the ones on your torso."
"Oh. Now you want me to take my top off? What happened to the "I'm just working on your leg" thing?"
"Oh, forget it! You're such a child sometimes," she spat out, a little embarrassed about whatever he might be implying.
He was about to tease her a bit more, but then he noticed how she silently inspected his leg and how angrier her expression got with each centimeter she looked at.
"Ed. This is half-broken," she deadpanned. "And full of sand and gravel."
"I might have fallen off a slightly rocky cliff," he said. "But it was a short fall. No big deal!" he had to add when she threw an alarmed look in his direction.
"This is full of scratches! And this almost looks like teeth marks… A bear?" Her voice now matched the distressed look she had stamped on her face.
"It was that big wolf I told you about. Honestly, it was really big."
"…And this?" She asked weakly while pointing at a dent in the side of the automail.
He was almost afraid to answer, but he did nonetheless. "Uhh. Some idiot tried to shoot me." He cleared his throat then, anxiously awaiting her reaction. Aside from a forlorn sigh, there was none. "Look, Winry… I got into a few messed up situations, but I promise I'm really – "
"It's okay. I need to take your leg off for a few hours, maybe until tomorrow. But I'll fix this pronto. Meanwhile you can use a spare."
He was surprised. She sounded determined, secure. Not hysterical, mad, or otherwise. Just… calm.
"Okay," he merely muttered in reply. He watched her as she disconnected his nerves from the automail. And, as it had happened many times already, he found himself admiring her; not just watching her work, but actually looking at her. Her strong firm hands handled the metallic tools perfectly, as if she'd been born with a wrench on one hand and a screwdriver on the other. He couldn't help it. Her hands were connected to her arms, shapely and slender, hidden under her carefully rolled up shirt. Those arms of hers were, in turn, connected to her shoulders; her shoulders to her neck; to her collarbone perfectly visible through the unbuttoned shirt.
Many times he just imagined he was kissing her from her hands to her collarbone. That which lay beyond that line, well… This time he tried to focus on that single short path, not daring to let his imagination flutter towards other, more dangerous areas. He shut his eyes then, so he couldn't get even more distracted. Instead, he tried to remember the flowery pattern of the apron she was wearing.
"I'm going to get you a spare now. You can sit up, okay?" she told him after she disconnected his leg.
So he stood up, but he almost wished he hadn't. Why did she have to wear jeans that tight?
… And why on earth did she have to lean forward that much? That took him a few years back. The moment he realized he actually had those feelings for her – and had no idea whatsoever what to do with them, too. And the moment he realized she wasn't just his scrawny neighbor/friend/mechanic anymore, but a woman with all of the right bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces that bounced and wiggled faithfully with her every move, with what seemed to be a will of their own, as if screaming for attention. And attention he did pay…
Winry, of course, was not unaware of his anatomical studies. She didn't mind that at all; actually, she loved feeling his gaze chase her around the room and pretending not to notice anything.
Especially after he and Alphonse returned with their bodies; Edward's behavior clearly changed towards her. She caught him staring at her sometimes, whereas Alphonse never looked at her in the same fashion. Quite a few awkward situations happened between the two of them during that period of time. Every time she thought about it, of course, she giggled.
At the same time, she felt there was a tension building up somehow. Of course she also took whatever chance she could to admire him. After all, he used to be such a small and skinny kid and now look at his broad shoulders and muscled arms… Anyway. We all know what happens when a lot of tension builds up. Even though she tries not to give those thoughts much importance, the truth is she can't actually avoid them either.
And even though she was partially furious at him for getting hurt so badly she was also relieved that he was back in one piece. As usual. She thought these kinds of things would stop after he got his body back but oh well... She'd just have to get used to seeing him with some bruises and scratches again.
"There you go. All settled," she said somewhat cheerfully as she attached the spare to his leg, patting him on the thigh after her work was done.
"Thank you, Winry-san!" He replied happily, standing somewhat gingerly on that leg which he was not used to.
"Sure, sure. Now scoot along and do whatever it is you do while I'm working on your leg, alright?"
But he didn't leave. He was having somewhat of an inner struggle with his feelings, which were still so hard to admit. And after a few months absence, returning home to find her not wearing the engagement ring made his confidence kind of drop a few notches. But he was still very sure of his own feelings, even though he'd neglected calling her these past five months – he just needed to make sure hers had remained the same.
So he just stood there looking at her, that familiar cocky smile stamped across his face. She was about to ask him what he was smiling about when he suddenly outstretched his hands and pulled her into an embrace, pressing her tightly against him.
"Thank you. For being here for me and supporting me as always. You know…" He loosened his hold on her and placed his hands over her shoulders so he could take a good look at her, "They do say that behind a great man stands a great woman. Thanks for making me stand, Winry. But mostly, thanks for making me great."
And with those words and a light kiss to her forehead, he left her barely able to breathe. "One day," she thought to herself after her brain regained its normal functions, "I'll melt straight into his skin..."
The next morning his leg was all fixed and as good as new, just as Winry promised. And as always, the connection of the automail leg with his own body was painful, but he dealt with it best he could.
She let him rest a little afterwards before she took her chance to try and have a talk with him. They were, after all, alone inside his room. Her grandmother was downstairs in the basement.
"So, Edward. Yesterday you said we shouldn't keep secrets, right?"
"Right. So you're gonna tell me what were you thinking when you "lost" the ring I gave you?"
She looked a little flustered for a moment, but regained her cool pretty quickly "No, that's not it! I already told you that was nothing. I meant… About a package you got last week. Al sent it to you, from Xing."
"A package… What did it say?"
"It said something like it was for you only, important and exclusive."
Ed suddenly remembered something very, very important and leapt from his bed. "Did you open the package?" he asked nervously.
"Er… No…"
"Well, where is it?"
"In my room. But why is it so important? Hey, wait!" She followed him as he went to her room in a quick pace. He looked around for a while, but stopped looking when he noticed a pair of her underwear hanging on the door of her closet.
"Er. Winry. Could you please tell me where said package is?" He diverted his look to the ceiling, because he could almost swear he'd seen lace.
"You'd better tell me what's so important about that package, then."
"Look… It's no big deal. Just something I need to take with me when I leave again, okay?"
Wait. She felt as if she'd entered inside one large freezer. He was leaving again. Of course, they didn't talk about how long he was staying last night because she was working on his leg during most of the dinner, so she hadn't quite thought about it yet.
"How… How long are you going to be away this time?"
"I'm not sure. Probably a few more months because I still need to –"
"Exactly how long? How many months?" She repeated louder this time, in a fierce growl.
"I don't know. Maybe three, maybe four, maybe six months, maybe more! How'm I supposed to know that, Win?"
"And just how long were you planning on staying here this time?"
"Only long enough for the repair. Maybe two or three more days. I'm in a big hurry."
"…So you only came here to get your leg repaired," she stated flatly.
"That's not what I said…"
She stood there looking at him in silence. She needed those seconds to understand what was going on exactly. Why hadn't she predicted that, how didn't she just see that coming? Why did it hurt so badly…? And just like that, all of a sudden, she was in a foul mood again.
She fished the package from beneath the closet and threw it at him. "Here. I hope you choke on that! Now get out of my room."
The order was followed by the action of her pushing him out the door and slamming it on his face.
"Argh! Fine, you, you… Hormonal little thing!"
"Screw you!" was her answer from the other side of the door.
Edward stormed back inside his room and sunk into his bed. Rain had started to hit the window of his bedroom, trickling random paths along the glass because it had nothing better to do. After about ten minutes he felt calm enough to open the package and check if it was, indeed, what he thought it was. There was a letter inside.
"Dear brother,
This may look a little odd, as I had already told you before. But the Xingese are very proud of these sorts of books and cherish them very much. Since I'm concerned about your happiness and Winry's, I thought it might not be such a bad idea to send it to you. I had an acquaintance translate this into Amestrian and he worked really hard to print it in time for you to prepare yourself for your wedding. There's a second book, like some sort of compendium, but… Well, best not talk about that one. Make good use of this one!
Just so you know, I haven't read any of those books (yet)!
Moving along, I hope everything else is going along well. I have learnt quite a few good things here, and the extra sheets of paper I have sent you are merely a sum of some of the knowledge I got here. Read my notes carefully. I miss everybody, can't wait for the wedding!
Regards from your brother, Alphonse."
Edward shook his head slightly at Al's mention of the wedding. When would he finally have the time for that?
He folded the letter carefully and his eyes shifted between Al's notes, which were manuscript sheets of paper bound by string, and a leathery black book. He opened the latter.
Shortly after he offered Winry the engagement ring Ed had talked to his brother, and he had said something about sending over a book from Xing so Ed could study it. When Ed asked what the book was about, Al replied something along the lines "Let's just say it's to teach you how to love".
Al's words confused him at the time and almost started a telephonic squabble between the two Elrics. Now that he opened the first page and read the title, "LOVE DETAILS, For Beginners", he understood what his brother had meant.
Right beneath the title, in Al's handwriting, could be read "Because there are thousands of things in this world we still need to learn, and this is no less important than anything else."
He woke up later that day with Pinako calling him for dinner. She startled him, too, because he thought the book might still be in his hand. However, he'd had the sense of hiding it beneath his pillow right before he fell asleep.
He still couldn't quite cope with the idea that his brother had sent him a book on how to make love. Granted, the Xingese culture was much more open-minded about sex, even though they still held quite the high moral standards about it. But they just didn't see it as a taboo, but rather like something beautiful worth sharing with someone you love. His afternoon reading had taught him that and much, much more.
Like how he should try to keep the woman calm before her first time having intercourse, because that relieved the pain she would feel and should make the experience much more pleasant…
Needless to say that each time he read one or two lines of that book he blushed like an idiot and felt really embarrassed even though he was all alone in his room.
"I'll get you for this, Alphonse!" he thought to himself as he stashed the book somewhere hopefully safe and trudged downstairs to have dinner. Although, he should have to admit, this would come in handy. He had no idea of what to do if he and Winry ever got to the point of… Bed. Which, he hoped, wouldn't take long.
"Were you reading all day, Edward?" Pinako asked, tilting her head sideways quizzically. "Always the bookworm, you," she added in teasingly.
"Yeah, Al sent me some notes I needed to see." He half-lied while he filled up his plate with mashed potatoes and fish filets and ignored Pinako's remark, "Plus the weather's terrible outside so there's not much to do."
"They're very important notes, Granny. Notes nobody else can see because they're top-secret," Winry added in bitterly, scooping up unnecessarily large amounts of mashed potatoes into her plate and covering them in gravy until they were brown instead of white-ish.
"They are. Look, what Al meant in the note was that other alchemists aren't supposed to see the notes. They're just for me. You, on the other hand, can read the whole thing if you like," he replied while chewing.
"No thanks. I'm not interested in geeky alchemist stuff," she huffed as she took another shrimp roll from the casserole.
"But you should be interested on how much you're eating. I mean, look how full your plate is! Do you wanna get fat?" He mocked to try to lighten the mood, but this time it didn't work. He regretted saying that almost immediately.
"Who cares if I'm getting fat or not!" She yelled, hitting her fist so hard on the table she spilt her glass of water. "Because at this pace, I'll only get married after I turn thirty or something like that, right?"
She glared at him furiously before she left the dinner table and stomped her way upstairs, leaving her dinner plate untouched.
Pinako and Edward just sat there awkwardly, pretending that nothing had happened. But after they both finished eating, the elder woman said, "You should talk to her."
"… I don't know what to say, Granny. I really don't. I don't know what to do," he sounded a bit overwhelmed.
"Well," she said as she opened a window and lit her pipe, "Tell her how you feel."
"I'm no good at that."
"I'm sure you'll think of something." she said, releasing a large puff of smoke from her pipe in the direction of the window, so the smoke wafted outside in an indistinct pattern.
She left the kitchen and headed downstairs, the smoke from her pipe billowing behind her.
While he did the dishes he had some time to think… And ten minutes later he was knocking on Winry's bedroom door.
"Go away, Edward."
"I need to talk to you. Please?"
"No. Go away."
"Look, Winry, I'm really sorry. Okay? I know I was an idiot. But I really want to talk to you!"
"And I really don't want to talk to you. Now go away!" She insisted, and Ed heard the sound of something hitting wood – probably her fist on the bed frame.
She was stubborn; but he was even more stubborn and he had his heart set on talking and apologizing to her. So he just opened the door and walked in, sitting on her bed with a look that clearly said "I'm not leaving until we get this done with."
She was already in her pajamas and under her sheets, so to say that she was annoyed is understating it.
"Can't you just leave me alone please?" She whined.
"I'm sorry, I can't. I can't do it. Look, I promised myself something some time ago. I promised I'd try my best to make you happy, and that's exactly why I need to talk to you," he said while looking into her sapphire eyes, "Because I can tell you're anything but happy."
Fine, she gave in. If he wanted to talk she could tell him a thing or two.
"I just can' get it, Edward. You ask me to give you half my life, I'll even give you much more… Then we make a commitment, we talk about marriage, and then you're always coming and going, out for months at a time, home for days only! I…" She sighed nervously and clutched her sheets as tight as she could. She should be used to waiting for him, but somehow she couldn't help feeling this way. Helpless and alone.
"I don't think I can live like that." She finished after a few moments. The words stung both her tongue and her heart, but that was just how she felt about what future they may have. No matter how much it hurt her to say it – she just had to.
This also made his heart sink. He knew he couldn't simply spend his whole life trotting the world, taking his time to explore its exceeding vastness. He couldn't because it was too cruel to ask her to constantly wait for him; and it was also hard on him, because he would always miss her. Even though he had the advantage of knowing her to be safe, at home in Risembool. But he hated just sitting around on his ass doing nothing there… He was unable to stand still for long.
"I know… and I'm sorry to put you through this kind of stuff. I just wish…"
What did he wish for? What would solve his problem, and set things straight? He'd never be like other guys, who settled in a town with one job and a family to take care of. Not for long, at least. But he also didn't want to stay away from her for long. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to desperately be with her.
So he had an idea. It had been crossing his mind for a while now, almost teasing him. And he was too afraid to ask her, afraid of a denial. But if he didn't take that chance, most likely they'd never talk about it and end up even more frustrated…
"Look. We didn't exactly make any tangible plans, and I'm not sure if we can because… Things right now aren't really settled yet, right?"
He paused and looked at her – if he could read her eyes, he'd read about how much she wished things would settle.
"Listen. I'm not sure if what I'm investigating at this moment will take me a few more weeks, or months, or more… I can't be sure. It's a matter of luck. And you know how I'm used to travelling, right? It's not just about learning, it's also the thrill of discovering new places, new cultures!"
She winced at the thought that crossed her mind automatically, "New people, new women."
And as if on cue, he took one of her hands and held it within his own. "But lately I'd like to have some company in my travels. Travelling with Al was great, because we're brothers and we're after the same thing. But now that we're so far apart… It makes me wonder. I've been going about alone for nine months. Maybe some company wouldn't be half bad."
His words now made her heart pound a little harder, with both uncertainty and expectation.
"What do you mean, Ed?"
"Come with me!" He said, "You can come and see the world with me, at least for a while! I'd love to have you with me. Imagine all the things that await us out there. There's so much we don't know about in this world, thousands of things actually… We could… learn some of them together."
"You… Don't think I'd be a burden?" She asked, taken completely by surprise by his proposition.
"No, of course not, no! Look, there are so many places that I've been to that I just thought, 'Man, if only Winry could see this'. This could be your chance right here. Our chance. You wouldn't get in the way at all! Mostly what I need to do is scout some libraries and talk to a person – and this one's not an isolated, batty hermit in a hard-to-reach mountain."
He looked seriously excited about it. But there were too many things holding her back, like her grandmother and her customers…
"I don't know, Edward. I'd need to talk to Granny first."
"We'll talk to her. But I'm sure she won't mind. You can't just be cooped up inside one place forever, can you? Don't you want to see what else is out there?"
Her answer was, of course, yes. But she couldn't just throw herself into an adventure randomly. Could she?
"We'll go to Central first," he said.
"Central? What for? Do we need to switch to another train there?"
"Yes, but..." he hesitated. Another thought had crossed his mind, yes, but he was too afraid to voice it out – for now. Maybe when the right time came. Too bad he had absolutely no idea when that would be. "Yeah, that's basically it. Changing trains. But, uh, if you like we can visit someone… Like Mrs. Hughes."
"Really?" Her eyes widened at the suggestion and her mouth stretched out into a wide smile. The idea of visiting Gracia and Elysia was, alone, enough to tempt her into going to Central at least.
Wow. This was kind of surprising, him asking her to actually travel with him… It was actually very romantic. And she would most likely go, too - because he's holding onto her heart, and she can't stand being parted from him for too long again so soon. If her heart would leave, she'd follow with.
"So, what do you say?"
"I'm not sure yet, but… I think I'll say yes!"
"That's not very reassuring, Winry." He sulked a little, his brows coming together tightly as he made a face.
"At least I've proven your theory wrong," she chirped happily.
"What theory?"
"Well," she said as she quickly embraced him and stood up, set on speaking to her grandmother about this, "You were being romantic right now and I didn't even attempt to neuter you, right?"
A few author's notes are required by the end of this chapter.
First of all the word saudade, the title of the chapter. It's portuguse, and it means that you really miss someone which you haven't seen for a while, or that you miss something you haven't done or seen or ate for some time. Kind of like being nostalgic about something, I guess. Winry always missed Ed when he travels and I'm pretty sure he misses her now more than ever in his life, hence saudade is a good way to describe how they feel at this point in their lives. They have saudades of each other, meaning, they miss each other...
Also, I'm setting this at 1914/1915. Why? Because of some sort of sketchy timeline Arakawa gave us to work with. Trisha died in 1904. Ed was about 9 years old. If during the Promised Day he was about 17 (or nearly - remember when he met Ling, he was almost 16, according to Winry's comment during the train ride with Ling and his Xingese crew) that will set us in 1912, and that means he was 19 (or nearly) by the end of the manga (when he left to travel) - ergo, 1914... Give or take a year.
" All I ever wanted was for you to know,
Everything I do I give my heart and soul.
I can hardly breathe - I need to feel you here with me ! "
- Avril Lavigne, "When You're Gone"
Please review. Fourth chapter already halfway through... ;)
