ALEX'S POV

I'm getting tired of this shit, first were the fights, then was the lack of them, and now is intolerance; I don't know what you think, but I'm already on the edge, between love and suffer, the painful moments slowly surpass the happy ones, I mean I don't want things to be perfect all time, but right now is becoming harmful for both of us; and I don't know if its worthy anymore, I feel that somehow we have lost more in the way than what we have achieved, maybe I'm not thinking sharply, but the truth is that we haven't take the right choices in a long time; tonight was nothing else but a perfect portrait of the relationship, we were barely talking to each other, and suddenly we started yelling at each other, our frustrations, and even our grudges, I mean, is as if we couldn't be together anymore without getting into each other's nerves.

The lack of care I stared getting from you overwhelmed me, I started feeling alone on a regular basis, afterwards I started thinking that we have a relationship with the phone; the "I love you", the "I miss you", stopped meaning something important, and they just started being words over a phone call and sometimes just words in a text message; I don't deny my responsibility in all this, you once asked me to move together and take our relationship into another realm, get out of the dark ,but I said no, I let my goals come between us, and I regret it, but it's too late now.

I've never been one to look at the past, I think that what matters is "here and now", and I don't know when it happened but we stopped trying to make things work a time ago, it's strange 'cause I always thought that we would be together for the rest of our life; however these situations over the last months had pushed me bit by bit away from you, I never intended it to happened, but I ended in someone else's bed.

There are no excuses for that, but the truth is I never looked for it, it just happened out of nowhere; I just wanted a friend, someone I could trust the same way I trusted you, I wished a wholeheartedly advice from someone who could understand me, and matter of fact I did it, I find that person, a friend I could rely on, and for the first time in a long time I stopped feeling alone; but I found much more than what I was looking for.

Your voice, your skin, your emerald eyes, all are completely different from hers, and somehow those differences stirred my feelings, being with you is like a break from my reality; I know we don't as in the beginning, but I still appreciate your presence in my life; we have changed kisses instead of words, and caresses instead of support, and finally sex instead of friendship.

Every time we are finished is when reality strikes, because literally all I can see is your back, I don't know why but you never say something, you don't touch me anymore, and you won't even look at me; I've wanted to ask you many times why, why we are doing this?, why we let this happen?, but mostly I want to ask you what I mean to you? ; However I don't have the courage to do it, I'm afraid of your answers, rather the effect of those answers.

I'm confused right now, I know it isn't right to do this, you deserve better, but on the other side I don't think we could make things work any longer; however I love you and no matter how many fights we have somehow you always make me feel that we have one last shot, it always make me feel better; but in this precise moment I'm doubting, I'm lying in bed, but not with you Liv, and it's plainly pathetic that I dare to claim that I love you after slapping you and running to my "lover".

It has been a long night, I didn't expected to come over to your place again, but it is becoming a rule, a rule I'm not completely sure I like neither dislike, however you always welcome me without asking anything; I like the feeling of comprehension we share every time we are together, I like to think that you talk to me through your kisses and caresses, but above anything else I love the way you looked at me after having sex, it's almost as if your eyes were shouting all those unspoken words, all those repressed emotions; all these have been going for some months, and I think with every day it pass I'm getting deeper and deeper in this spiral of sinfulness.

I am completely aware that I got to stop as soon as possible, but I'm not sure that I agree with that, I mean if we keep going it will all end badly for the three of us, somewhat we know my place is with Liv, but you keep making me doubt about that with your affairs and affection; and even I've starting doubting if somehow we are sharing something else than pleasure and passion, it makes me shiver to think we are, 'cause things would be different, it's not right to love to persons, and it would definitely end bad.

Every stroke of your alabastrine skin, every look of you emerald eyes, every note of your sweet moans; are taking me to a rather unexplored place; however when I'm away from you, those same things are the ones haunting me at all time, perhaps its forbidden nature frightens me, but it also appeals to me a lot, it makes me feel alive, the thrill, the adrenaline, it's unexplainable; I don't want to push our "thing" over the hedge, I already committed that same mistake, and it is the one that took me to your side.

I wish to have the courage to take a decision, to be able to clear my mind and see what is truly important, I know that eventually one of us will grow tired of this ongoing happening, maybe it will end as it started, first were random encounters but now it's like having an actual relationship; I hope you have what it takes to do something about it, because right now I can't even support myself.

Once again I went out of your place without saying "bye" only a single kiss on your cheek while you were still asleep maybe that's my way of saying "thanks", I didn't even shower, I just wanted to get out of there; but it is always like that, just waiting for sleep to come and claim you so I can get out avoiding any further nuisances that our earlier encounter might have arisen.

Just as I close the door, reality crashes down at me, suddenly I know what the right thing to do is, but it is the same story over and over again, I know it but I won't do it, I just can't; I'll keep going to her every time we fight, it should stop, the fights, the affair, the secrets; tomorrow seems like a good day to change, I know I'll call you in the morning I always do, but perhaps I'll end up with her by night, I also always do.