CASEY'S POV

Things are starting to get out of my hands, I thought I got everything in control, I knew I could manage my feelings pretty well, but at some point it changed, I found myself missing you, your presence, your proximity; we don't share a lot of words when we are together, but the passionate touches and the pleasure whispers started meaning a lot more than words, I never intended it to happen, it was only a good fuck, actually it was a great fuck.

In the beginning we weren't looking for this, eventually it happened, I became in some sort of booty call and yet I didn't complain, I mean it was detached free sex, and no one at their five sense would bother about it, so I didn't, but you aren't anymore the same person whom I used to fuck with just a few months ago; the point is that I've always been able to be in perfect control of myself, but I wasn't able to hold myself when you kissed me right before leaving my place, I know it was nothing else than a simple kiss on my cheek, I also know you think I was asleep, but the truth is that I wasn't sleeping, well the matter is what that kiss made me feel; it wasn't like the lust filled passionate kisses we share, rather it was short but sweet and honest, and It was that gentleness what touch me, and suddenly everything came downwards for me.

The sex was much needed and the passion was wonderful, but it wasn't meant to be anything else, it is wrong and we both know it, ever since this started we have known that, however we didn't care about that, and once again it was great, no attachments nor feelings involved; we both have an unspoken agreement but it seems as if it doesn't exist anymore, you broke the boundaries, and I let you do it; you have come to my office and I never complain, you come to my apartment and I let you in, you kissed me and I never said a word, it was never a problem, but that kiss change our little and seemingly harmless game; it helped me realize our biggest mistake, we've been forgetting that this isn't a game of two, we are three playing here.

I don't blame you for anything; we've gone as far as we had wanted, and even if I'm not longer comfortable about that neither I can't deny my piece of responsibility, however I won't allow this to go any further, it is harming us now, it's turned from meaningless and hollow sex into a constant hassle. I used to think that we were just getting what we need, but I figured that you started compensating something else than physical needs, I never wanted to provide you with any of that, it is not my role and I don't want it to be.

I am confused right now, but it isn't about you only, it's about her too, your kiss unleash a wave of guilt over me, as I said it was different from everything else we had share, and it's not that I don't care about you, but at least I don't want to share that kind of bond with you, you already belong with someone else; and this guilt grows every time we meet again, and just as you leave, I bath trying to wash it away from me just like I'm doing right now , it's not only that I feel guilty but now I feel dirty too; I'm completely aware that this mustn't be easy for you too, but you are not the one who sees Olivia and feels like a complete traitor and backstabber, you are not the one whom she confides in her problems and feelings regarding you, you are not the one lying to her with stuff like "You should solve your issues guys" or "You've been battling through so much, to let things end like this" or my favorite "I know she loves you, she always will"; thank God I'm a terrific liar, and she always thanks me when she should be shooting at me with her gun, I can't even look her in the eyes anymore, and it isn't worthy to keep all this stupid forbidden love thing going.

Every morning when I look at my reflection at the mirror I don't recognize myself anymore, I used to be proud of myself, but I've fallen into degradation so fast that I'm ashamed of myself these days, and the truth is that you're not worth the risk of completely losing my faith and hopes in myself.

You left only moments ago; you kissed me on my cheek just as you've been doing ever since then, and I was awake like I've been ever since then, I heard you closing the door, and I don't know what you think every time you leave my apartment, and I've never care to know nor even ask; but I hope you enjoyed it tonight, because it was the last time.

I know that stopping this won't make things as they used to be, I still won't be capable of being completely sincere with Liv, but at least I know it is the only right thing I can do now, I should apologize to her, ask for her forgiveness, nonetheless that would do much more damage than benefit, besides I'm too cocky as for begging for pardon; nevertheless I understand and accept my mistakes, I shouldn't have allowed myself to get tangled with you, my best friend's love, you are her only reason for her to keep going every day, you are the world to her; but we didn't stop to think about the outcome of our actions, we never thought of anyone else but us, and deep down I know you'll thank me someday.

Tonight you closed that door for the last time; you're probably unaware of it, I know you will come back as always, knocking on my door late at night, probably with your eyes swollen by the tears, but this time I won't hug you and take you into my apartment; I know I'll miss you for a while, I mean I already do, but I also miss the time when I wasn't a dastardly liar to Olivia, but what I truly miss is when I could smile at myself in front of the mirror; and God and I know that I will smile at myself again, I always do.