Bad Hare Day

A Tiny Toon Adventures Story

Based on "Tiny Toon Adventures",

Characters Created by Tom Ruegger

Television Show Developed and Produced by Steven Spielberg

All Character (c) Warner Brother Animation / Amblin Television


CHAPTER TWO

As the iris opens onto our scene, we find ourselves now in the familiar bedroom of one Barbara Anne Bunny, who...

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

Ahem. Yes, sorry...the familiar bedroom of one Babs Bunny. The pink four poster canopy bed has flopped upon it out heroine, portable phone hermetically attached to one ear as she talks into it. Atop the canopy, squeezed rather uncomfortably in the space between the canopy and the top of the burrow, is Gossamer. Gossamer is just slightly less hairy than before, as a bald patch with a small white x-shaped bandage is on one side of his head. Other bandages wrap various parts of our hairy fairy, who is still recovering from his ordeal. He mutters quietly to himself about toon teens and self control.

"Yes, Harriet... the old three wishes routine, only about hair! Is this a scream or what?" Small garbled voice noises reply to her from the phone. "What am I going to wish for? I don't know! I mean, you do have to be careful, or else you could find yourself doing something stupid, like wishing for Shirley's hair, or..."

PFZZZT!

"ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

Bab's scream is almost deafening in the small space. Her eyes now round as saucers, she ignores the anxious questioning sounds coming from the phone as she stared at her altered reflection in the mirror. There staring back at her with just as much horror was a pink bunny wearing a stylish mop of blond hair. There are two lumps on each side for a second, then Babs' ears emerge, raising up above the hair like a pair of periscopes. As she gets over the initial shock, Babs recognizes the hair immediately. Sure enough, its Shirley's hair alright.

The phone sits on the floor of the burrow, Harriet's voice coming over it in squawks. Babs looks at the her reflection in the mirror again, and without looking at it, reaches down for the phone and picks it up. She starts talking into the earpiece, realizes her mistake, and flips the phone around.

"Ummm, Harriet, something's popped up, so to speak. I'll get back to you. No... I'm fine. No, don't come over here. I'll call you later." She clicks the off button on the phone, and let's it slip from her hand...and then closes her eyes for a second, almost wishing for the hair to be gone, but afraid what that might mean...

Babs' shakes her head, and stops, realizing it feels, well, different.

"Yes. It has weight, volume. It moves, it reacts. Some have said it has a life of its own." Gossamer floats down from near the ceiling, hovering next to Babs as she stands there, her eyes closed. "Songs and sonnets have been written about it, women have wished for it, men have died for it...and now, you have it. That's one wish...sign here please."

Babs opens her eyes in surprise at this last statement and looks down. Gossamer has produced a receipt book, filled out to show Babs as recipient of one wish. He holds the book and a pen out to her, smiling. Babs takes the pen and signs the receipt, which then disappears in a small cartoon puff of smoke.

"Well, then, that's that. So, how do you like your new hair, hare?"

Babs smiles and reaches up tentatively, savoring the feel of her own hair for the first time. "Oh, it's wonderful. I never knew how nice this could feel. And think of the possibilities!" With that, Babs starts a spin-change, as Gossamer moves toward her in reaction.

"No! Don't!" Gossamer stops as he realizes it's too late and shields his eyes, knowing what is coming.

Babs starts her spin change, but then seemingly loses control, spinning around her room and wreaking havoc, similar to a twister. We zoom in and see a toy mobile home on the floor get destroyed as she spins through. Finally she comes to a rest, almost totally encased in a cocoon of blond hair. Only her eyes, her feet and one ear are visible.

"Mmmmph phmmm pppffffft!"

Gossamer floats around Babs, tsk-tsking as he examines the situation.

"Obviously you are new at this. Let me give you a piece of advice...rapid spinning will turn your hair into a tangled mess."

Babs furrows her one visible brow and makes a low grumbling noise.

"Oh, don't take that tone of voice with me, young lady. You are entirely too impulsive, and this is your own fault."

"Mmmffff-mmm-ppppfftttt-mmmmm!"

"What? No, I couldn't quite make that out. Hang on for a moment."

Gossamer reaches over and separates the hair in front of Bab's mouth. Babs takes in a deep breath, and then yells at Gossamer.

"Get me out of here, you idiot!"

"Temper, temper, Miss Bunny. You have created a knot of Gordian proportions. Now I will have to exercise some caution here about how I split hairs without splitting hares, so to speak." He flutters around, examining her situation. Finally, he nods, and reaches behind himself, pulling out a huge piece of armament that fairly screams "GUN" from a distance of 30 kilometers.

Babs sees this impressive piece of artillery and starts to shiver. Her shivering increases when she realizes the weapon is aimed directly between her eyes. "Ummm, Gossamer..."

"Shhhh...be vewy vewy quiet, the aim on this is very sensitive..."

"Gossamer, ummm, what is that gun..."

"Ready..." Our winged fairy pulls back on the slide, and undoes the safety.

"GOSSAMER!"

"Aim..." A red beam lances out from the weapon, illuminating a point directly between Babs' eyes...

Babs starts to pray, loudly, and closes her eyes, resigning herself to oblivion.

Gossamer smiles, a particularly evil looking grin. "Fire!"

As he pulls on the trigger, a surprisingly quiet "pop" sound is heard for such a large gun. Out of the guns barrel comes a shell the size of an ostrich egg, hurtling toward Babs. As the shell approaches her, it suddenly halts, splits in two, and opens, revealing some mechanical arms loaded with hair spray, curlers, combs and scissors. The device starts circling Babs too quickly to be tracked, but from within the blur of motion we hear sounds like those inside a lumber mill. We also see the byproduct of all of this activity, blond tresses flying in all directions. Finally, the projectile finishes by saying "Voila! Est Manifique!" It then flies back into the gun.

Babs opens her eyes and sees she has indeed been cut loose, and the projectile has trimmed the hair into a shorter Dorothy Hamill bob style. Babs is in awe, and her jaw drops as she sees her reflection.

"I gather you find the new style satisfactory, Miss Bunny?" Babs turns to see Gossamer pressing a prominent button on the weapon, causing her to flinch. Gossamer chuckles as the cannon extends out a vacuum hose which quickly sucks up the 14-foot haystack of blond hair sitting in the corner.

"You know, miss, you really do have to realize that looks can be deceiving. It is what is inside that counts, I always say."

"Thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Just do me a favor and put that thing away before someone gets hurt? I mean, hit the wrong button on this thing and we may find out how permanent a permanent really is...or get teased to death..."

Gossamer groans under the increased weight of the bad puns filling the room. "I see your point, Miss Bunny. And to quickly change the subject, how do you like Miss Loon's hair? I see you are adapting well to it."

Babs looks into the mirror and playfully fluffs the hair, assuming different poses with it. "Oh, I don't know, it's not so bad once you get..." Babs' voice trails off, as what Gossamer actually said reaches the reasoning centers of her mind... "Shir-Shir-Shirley's hair? What exactly do you mean by that? You mean it's LIKE Shirley's hair, right?"

"Well, as your friend, Miss Loon would say, 'It's, like, my hair, for sure.' It is what you wished for, Miss Bunny."

Babs looks again at the hair in the mirror. "But I asked for hair like Shirley's, not Shirley's hair, you enormous hairball!"

Gossamer shakes his head, smiling. "Au contraire, Miss Bunny. You received EXACTLY what you wished for, and that is all you got. Nothing more, nothing less. Here, look at your receipt." Gossamer snaps his fingers and the receipt materializes in a small poof of Acme Special Effect Smoke (tm) in front of Babs. She reaches down and picks it up, reading it aloud.

"Granted: One wish to Miss Barbara Anne Bunny, as specified in the following wish: 'I mean, you do have to be careful, or else you could find yourself doing something stupid, like wishing for Shirley's hair...' Said wish is non-transferable, non refundable. No warranty is implied by this receipt, except in Vermont and in three very small towns in Idaho no one has ever heard of anyway."

Gossamer floats smugly above Babs. "No doubt about it, the wish was as requested by the hare with the skinny pink chin. Enjoy your wish. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get to work on the paperwork. You would not believe the paperwork involved in granting a wish... Emotional Impact Statements, Licenses, all of them in triplicate and witnessed by Rotary Notary Privates. If you need me, just holler out, and I'll be, ahem, hare." Gossamer starts to chuckle at his own joke as he fades from site, humming a tune that sounds suspiciously like I'm Gonna Wash That Hare Right Out of My Hair.

Babs watches him fade away, and then flops back onto the bed. "Oh no. This is a disaster! When Shirley realizes her hair is missing, she'll blow a gasket. Or worse!" Babs then notices a strange feeling she has never had before - the hair on the back of her neck standing up.

Babs turns around behind her, and watches as Shirley's karma comes floating into the room. Babs winces as she sees a bandana tied over Shirley's head where her hair would normally be. The air around the astral projection is tinted an angry red, and her chant her seems to have a more ragged tone, each syllable of "Ohwhattalooniam" coming out as if it were bitten off. Babs decides to try a nonchalant attitude. "Oh, hiya, Shirley. I was just about to call you."

"Traitor. Thief! Network Executive!"

"Now just a minute! It's not my fault! I didn't know..."

Shirley's apparition looks at Babs, fire in her eyes. "Like, don't even try the ignorance routine on me, you thief. Like, how totally uncool to the max can you get, stealing my hair. And, like, what did you do to it? You cut it? Like, Babs, I am like, so totally angry at you..."

"Shirley, please. I didn't steal it. Will you listen for a minute? Just let me talk for one minute, and if you still don't believe me, then you can still take whatever revenge you were planning on."

"Like, why should I listen to you? You'd just lie, or something."

"No, I wouldn't. And honestly, Shirley, if I am telling the truth, what kind of bad karma would come from zapping me?"

The loon's astral projection looks at Babs, and the nods. "Alright, Babs, you were my friend, so that's worth a minute. But, like, this had better be good."

Babs looks soberly at Shirley and nods. "Sister, trust me. I couldn't make up a story this crazy...and for me, that's saying something." She then starts to relate everything that happened from the time Shirley left her in the projection room until now.

Shirley listens quietly, a couple of times opening her beak as if to say something, but then waiting as Babs quickly moves on to another point.

"And finally, he left, saying to call him if I needed anything. Shirley, I am so sorry. I wanted hair like yours, but not your hair!"

Shirley's projection wavers a bit as she ruminates on what Babs has said. "So, like, this fairy fellow, he's made the switch without warning you, or anything? Egads, I mean, that's like so totally uncool. But there is, like, no way I will go back to school tomorrow without any hair."

Babs gets up and starts pacing. "I know. And if I show up tomorrow with your hair, I'll be the laughing stock of the school. Look, Shirley, isn't there some way you can, well, zap the wish without turning me into some sort of Crispy Critter?"

"Eww, like, I dunno. This is way out of my league, Babs."

A knock on the door startles Babs. She looks toward the door. "Who is it?"

"Babsie, hiya. It's me, Buster. Your mom said it was OK for me to come back. Can I come in?"

"Don't come in! I'm not decent!" shouts our heroine, as she dives into her closet to look for a hat. Various items come flying out, including sports gear, exercise equipment, books, cartoon props of varying sizes and shapes, and clothing of different styles. Shirley dodges the various flying items in vain before getting buried under a pile of yellow sweaters. Babs finally emerges wearing a huge 30-gallon Stetson with a very floppy brim. She closes the closet door and flops onto the bed, turning on her TV, trying to look nonchalant. "OK, come on in Buster."

Buster tries to open the door, but can't get it moved more than a crack because of the pile of stuff from the closet residing against it. He pushes and grunts and groans, forcing the door open inch by inch with a grating sound like stone on stone. Finally he has enough room and slips into the room, looking around at the carnage. He lets out a low whistle. "Wow, was it time to redecorate? I can't quite see the look you were going for here, Babs.

Lemme guess, early Sanford and Son?"

"Ha, ha, very funny. What do you want, Buster."

"I want to know what's going on, Babs. You snap at me at the library, you're acting funny...you're wearing a really big hat. What's going on? Is Shirley channeling Ross Perot into you or something?"

A muffled voice comes from under a 6-foot pile of yellow sweaters behind Buster. "Like, leave me out of this, Buster. It's, like, not my fault, or whatever." The pile starts to levitate and moves over near Babs.

"Alright, you two, rope it in. Babs, what's going on?"

Babs chews her bottom lip for a second, debating what to say. She decides to say it all in a rush.

"
'tknowwhattodo!"

She breaks down and starts to cry on the bed.

The rush of words hits Buster like a gale. Our hero leans into the storm, wrapping his arms around one of Babs' bedposts to keep him in place. The pile of sweaters is blown off of Shirley as she valiantly tries to hold on, but the rush soon throws her back against the wall. The astral projection hits the wall with a loud "whomp" sound, and then slides down it and through the floor, muttering "Like, ouch, or something. I'll be back soon, Babs."