Bad Hare Day
A Tiny Toon Adventures Story
Based on "Tiny Toon Adventures",
Characters Created by Tom Ruegger
Television Show Developed and Produced by Steven Spielberg
All Character (c) Warner Brother Animation / Amblin Television
CHAPTER THREE
Babs and Buster watch Shirley's Astral projection slide away through the floor, and then turn to each other. Babs looks ready to break down again, so Buster jumps into the breach. "Whoa, Babs. Slow it down, it'll be alright. Just take a few deep breaths and get a hold of yourself, OK?" Babs nods, still crying. She gulps in some air as she tries to calm down. "Now, then, you said you have Shirley's hair? How did that happen?"
Babs again explains what happened. Buster nods as he listens, trying to follow it all. When she finishes, he just shakes his head. "Well, you forgot one important point, Babs."
"I know. I should be happy with who I am, instead of trying to be something else."
"Uhhh, no. Good moral, but not even close."
"OK, oh wise one. What did I forget?"
"That it doesn't matter what you do, I am there for you."
"Hmmmm. I dunno, I think my moral works better with the story."
"Whatever. We can iron it out later. The important thing is for us to get things set right again. Though I've gotta admit, I'm curious. Can I see what it looks like?"
Babs reaches up shyly, and slowly removes her hat. She looks down, not wanting to see the look on Buster's face. As the tears fall from her eyes, she feels the gentle touch of his paws slowly stroking her hair.
"It's beautiful. It does look very nice on you, Babsie. But then again, anything would look nice on you."
Babs looks up, smiling a little shyly. "Flatterer. But thanks anyway, Buster. I needed to hear that."
Buster slides off the bed and flops down onto one of the debris piles in the room. "What I don't understand is why. I mean, why would you want a head of hair? I mean, from what you've said, it sounds like more trouble than it's worth."
Babs gets off the bed ad starts to pace. "You don't know the half of it.
But Buster, haven't you ever been jealous of someone because they have something that you don't? Or can do something you can't?"
"Sure, Babsie. Lots of times. But then I remember something Bugs once told me. 'Remember, kid, it's not how the cards are dealt, but how you play 'em that matters.' It's how we make use of what we've been given that's important. Look, Fifi has that hair, right? But she is pretty one dimensional, too. I mean, how many times have you seen her do a spin change? And how many "Skunk Hunks" has she ever actually stuck with?"
Babs nods at this. "OK. But still, now what do I do? I mean, I'm still wearing Shirley's hair."
Buster shakes his head. "Wrong question. It's what do we do? And I do mean 'we', Babs. I'm still here for you, no matter what."
Babs smiles and comes over to her boyfriend. "Thanks Buster. You keep restoring my faith in myself."
Buster grins. "I guess that would make me a hare restorer?"
Babs groans. "Keep making puns like that and I may have to become a hare remover, if you catch my drift."
There is another knock on the door. Buster opens it and in floats Shirley. She is wearing a purple bandana on her head, but the shape of it makes it very clear the she no longer has any hair. She looks over at Babs. "Like, I rushed over here as fast as I could. I don't think anybody else saw me. Wow, this is like, so weird." She sees herself in the mirror again. "Like, ewwww. I look like a Sinead O'Connor wannabe or something."
"Sorry about that, Shirley. Hmmm... Buster, what do you think we should do?"
He shrugs. "Buy Shirley a wig? Seriously, maybe you should just call that fairy guy and say you want it changed back."
Babs hits herself in the head with the palm of her hand. "Duh! But this may take a while, I don't even know HOW to call him."
At that moment, there is another knock on the door. Buster looks over at Babs. "My, this place certainly is becoming popular."
Shirley closes her eyes and concentrates for a second, then opens them wide in panic. "Like, ohmigosh, hide me, quick. Plucky must have seen me and followed me all the way here. Like, I can't let him see me like this!" She dives back under the pile of clothes in the corner.
Babs looks over at Buster. "Well, it IS my fault. Can I get your help dealing with Plucky?"
Buster smiles. "Piece of cake. This should take care of the problem." He reaches into a pocket and pulls out a remote control with a single dial and a large red button. The label on it reads "ACME ANVIL DISPATCHER." Buster turns the dial and we see a series of pictures on it swing by: one anvil dropping on a silhouette of Plucky, two anvils next to each other, one really BIG anvil, etc. He moves the dial to the "Random Mayhem" setting and reaches to push the button.
Babs reaches out to stop him, looking slightly panicked. "No! Buster, dropping an anvil on him will just make him suspicious. I kind of want to keep attention off of me and Shirley until we get this one figured out."
"I see your point. Well, I'll follow your lead."
Plucky opens the door and enters the room uninvited. "Babs, I'm looking for Shirl, I've just got to tell her something!"
"Sure, Plucky, come on in. I haven't seen Shirley, but you're always welcome. He's always welcome, isn't that right, Buster?"
"Yessirree, Babs, always welcome."
Plucky pulls up to a stop when he hears the tone of their voice. Without thinking, by reflex he immediately looks overhead, searching for the location from which the anvil he just knows in his heart is going to hit him will come from. Not seeing it, he quickly wipes his brow, but all during his conversation with Buster and Babs, he keeps sneaking glances at the ceiling.
Babs walks up behind Plucky and taps him on the shoulder. "Anyway, Plucky, as said, I haven't seen Shirley, but I can always get her a message. What's the news?"
Plucky turns around to talk to Babs. "Well, I was just coming back from Acme Loo and I saw...gaaa!" Plucky's beak drops wide to the ground and his eyes pop out of his head when he sees the change in Babs. "What the... how... when... why?"
Babs looks at Buster, who has moved around behind Plucky. He is making gestures with his hands, like pulling something down over his head. He then points to the bed. Babs looks quickly, and realizes that she forgot to put the hat back on her head. Oh, great. Think fast, Barbara Anne, or this duck is gonna cook your goose. Sudden inspiration hits her.
Babs grabs the hat and smiles at Plucky. "Do you like it? Buster gave it to me. He wants to do a Western as our next project."
Buster is taken aback for a second, and then jumps right in. "Yea. It's a project Babs and I have been working on for a while now. 'Ricochet Rabbits.' We're still in testing stages, as you can see, but we think it'll be great. Of course, there will need to be a villain... wait a minute... Babs, let me try something."
Buster grabs a makeup pencil and draws a thin handlebar moustache on the end of Plucky's beak. "Yeah, this will work just fine. Now Plucky, can you give me a truly evil laugh?"
"What, like this? Bwa-ha-ha-hoo-hoo-ha-ha."
"Well, that's close. A little more maniacal, a little less crazy. But we can work on it." Buster starts to hustle Plucky to the door. "Babs and will send you the script as soon as we start...er, finish writing it. Meanwhile, you practice that laugh."
"Sure thing, Buster, old buddy old pal. As long as get equal billing with you rabbits. I'll call you tomorrow. Oh, and Babs, nice hair. Is it for the new project?" He heads out the door, his search for Shirley forgotten, practicing a maniacal laugh all the way.
Babs closes the door behind him and sighs. "Whew. Way too close for comfort. A Western, huh?" Babs does a quick spin change and is now dressed like Mae West. "Well, big boy, we had better figure out a way to corral us that hairy fairy guy, or Shirley there is gonna need a new nickname...and I don't think she's gonna be too fond of Baldy McLoon."
Shirley peeks out from under the sweater. "Like, I have got to find a better place to hide someday, or some junk. I mean, these clothes are so nasty, they're like giving my aura a static charge or something." She demonstrates by trying to pull someone of Babs' sweaters away from her...it gets tossed away, stops in midair and rushes back to her, wrapping its arms around Shirley in a big hug. The neck comes to rest on Shirley's shoulder. "Like, I think maybe this thing likes me, or some junk."
"OK, enough fooling around. We need to find this Hairy Fairy guy. Babs, do you remember what he said when he left?"
"Not offhand...hang on a second." She pulls out a dog-eared copy of a script from her back pocket and quickly leafs through it. "Here it is, page 11." She shows the section to Buster and Shirley:
GOSSAMER
If you need me, just holler out, and I'll be, ahem, hare.
(chuckle at own joke, fade from site)
(Note: hum a few bars of I'm Gonna Wash That Hare Right Out of My Hair.)
"Like, well, your Hairy fairy guy sounds like a real jerk or something."
"You got that right, Shirley."
Buster takes the script for a second, idly turning the pages. He then turns to the back and reads the last few pages. "Oh, wow, you mean that's going to happen! How did the writer ever get THAT by the producers?"
Babs grabs the script back. "Hey, no fair peeking! We still have a ways to go here, Buster. You know the rules - no foreshadowing allowed."
Shirley looks over at Babs. "Well, like, are we gonna just sit here all day? I mean, it's time to get crucial."
"Alright, Shirley, what do we do?"
"Like, let's all join hands, or something, so we can let our auras flow together." She walks next to Babs and takes a hand, then together they hold out their hands to Buster. "Like, come on, Blue Boy, we could use your help here, ya know."
Buster reluctantly walks over and takes their hands. "I have a bad feeling about this, but anything for Babs."
Shirley speaks up. "Like, quiet down, Buster, we need to tune our auras to the astral plain." She starts chanting softly, "Oh what a loon I am. Oh what a loon I am." Babs picks up the chant, on a slightly different note, higher than Shirley. Finally, Buster starts mumbling the same chant, feeling a little ridiculous as he does so. As his voice joins theirs, the resultant chord rings through the room, echoing in the space, and then seemingly beyond. A faint blue glow starts to surround the toons, growing in intensity around them as they chant.
Finally, Shirley decides the time is right and decides to direct the energy across the boundaries of the ethereal plain. "We call upon the spirit known as Gossamer, the Hairy Fairy."
A disembodied voice echoes back to them. "Hello, you have reached Fairy Central. If you know the extension number of the sprite you wish to contact, please chant it now. Otherwise, please hold, and our next available medium will be with you." Across the tenuous connection, the faint strains of a computer-generated version of "Greensleeves" come wafting toward them.
"Ewww, like, how uncool. I hate voicemail systems, they are like, so impersonal, or some junk. Like, Babs, did Gossamer, ya know, like, give you an extension?"
Babs stops chanting for a second. "No."
"Like, how typical. Well, like, ummm, let's wait and talk to a medium there and see if they can connect us."
The trio of toons start to chant again, and soon a familiar voice comes back across the line. "Hello, you have reached the office of Gossamer and Rudolph, Hairy Fairies, Ltd. We are unable to answer your ethereal communication, but if you leave a message at the tone, we will be in contact with you upon your next visit to the Astral Plane. Don't forget, for the fairest of fairy hair, it's the Hairy Fairies. Please leave your message." An eerie moan, like wind howling through a hallway, sounds for a second, followed by a mechanical voice. "Please leave your message now."
Babs rushes her words out, not sure how long of a time she has to leave her message. "Gossamer, it's me, Babs Bunny. I need to get my wishes reversed and end this. Please hurry. I don't know how much-"
BEEP. A loud obnoxious tone comes from the ether, followed by the mechanical voice. "Thank you for leaving a message. If you want to make another connection, or leave an additional message, please start a new séance. Thank you."
Buster starts to get angry. "Now wait a minute, Babs wasn't done yet. We want to leave another message. I demand-"
ZAP! A great bolt of red lightning appears and hits Buster. When the smoke clears, he is singed and still steaming. "Ummm, I see your point." He falls over, backwards.
The toons stop chanting, the séance broken. The blue glow fades into a distant memory. Babs goes over to Buster. "You OK?"
"Did someone get the number of the truck?" Steam continues to rise from Buster. "I knew that was a bad idea."
"Like, I'm sorry Buster. I'll, like, file a complaint with customer service next time I'm online, or some junk."
"Sure, Shirley. Just warn me before you do, OK?
"Like, why, Buster?"
"So I can be someplace very far away." He faints backward.
"Like, what a mondo negatory attitude."
"Yeah, well, my attitude isn't much better, Shirl. This means we can't get this straightened out until Gossamer answers that message. We're gonna have to go to school tomorrow looking like this!"
"Like, not to worry, Babs. This Gossamer dude will show up, or something. And when he does, I mean, like, you just make another wish, and like, presto, back to normal. Ohmigosh, like, wow, time for me to head home and study. Like, we've got that Physics test tomorrow, you know. Later." She floats up and out of the room through the door, then ducks back in for a second. "Just remember, don't make any more wishes until that Gossamer dude shows up."
"Don't worry. After all, how could this get any worse?"
We are left to ponder this as the screen irises out around Babs' face.
