Bad Hare Day

A Tiny Toon Adventures Story

Based on "Tiny Toon Adventures",

Characters Created by Tom Ruegger

Television Show Developed and Produced by Steven Spielberg

All Character (c) Warner Brother Animation / Amblin Television


CHAPTER FOUR

Our scene opens again onto the entrance plaza to Acme Looniversity. The day, as always, is bright and sunny as our young toonsters make their way inside for classes. Among them we see a green duck, now dressed inexplicably in a black cape and flat black hat, wearing a thin handlebar mustache at the end of his beak. He seems to be practicing skulking back and forth, occasionally letting go with a maniacal laugh.

Hamton Pig sees this as he arrives and walks up to him. "Hiya, Plucky. Whatcha doing?"

"Oh, hi, Hamton. Babs and Buster are working a new project, and they want me to be the villain. I'm practicing my villain stuff. I think I have the perfect villain's laugh down. Here, let me try it on you." He backs up a second, then leaps up, cape wide open and draws it across his face. "Mwa-ha-ha-ha. You will never catch me, Sheriff Buster."

"I don't know, Plucky. You just don't seem the villain type to me."

Plucky takes a step back, aghast. "Not the villain type? Hamton, you have no idea the depths of my talent. I can play all types from hero to villain, and many in between. Yes, that's me, the consummate duck actor. Of course, Buster needs me in his project to lend it the weight that only a truly great actor can."

Hamton looks over at Plucky, his face screwed carefully into a neutral expression. His eyes betray his disbelief, however. "Well, that's nice, Plucky. Just be careful, you remember the last time you did a project with them. You weren't consummate then...just consommé."

That brings Plucky up short. "What's that?"

"Duck Soup."

"Ahhh, that was just a little accident. Besides, this time I have insurance.

Well, gotta fly, Hamton old buddy. Hey if you're nice, I'll ask Buster and Babs if you can be my sidekick. Every villain has to have a sidekick..."

Hamton watches the duck slink into the halls of the Looniversity, and just shakes his head. "Will he never learn?"

"Oui, that duck eez, how does vous say, tres idiot."

"Oh, hiya, Fifi. My, you're looking lovely today." Hamton blushes a bit.

Fifi dimples, happy as always to receive compliments. "Merci beaucoup, my piggy friend. Has vous zeen Babs or Shirley today? Moi has been looking for le pink bunny damsel since repast yesterday."

"No, I haven't. Come to think about it, I haven't seen Buster either. Plucky just mentioned they were working on a film project, though, so they may have been busy."

Fifi starts to tremble. "Le what? Babs, Shirley and moi were supposed to be working on le grande film project for next week. How dare they tosses vous moi for that blue bunny and obnoxious green duck. Moi eez, how do vous say, tres aggravated!" She starts to scent the area without thinking.

Hamton, ever prepared, pulls out a gas mask and puts it on. He continues, as always the gentlemen. "Well, it isn't fair if that's what they did, but maybe you should ask them first instead of getting mad right away, Fifi."

"No. My honor, eet haz been le injured, and moi shall be avenged. Au revoir, my passionate piggy friend. Nous will see each other again, merci." Fifi stalks up the stairs and into the school, in a foul mood.

Hamton watches her enter, then sighs as he takes off the gas mask, sprays it with his handy personal size can of ACME Industrial Strength Deodorizer (TM), and puts it away. As he does, he glances up and sees Buster. He is curious, as Buster is dressed like someone trying to be very inconspicuous: dark glasses, fedora pulled down low and a trench coat. Of course, at Acme Loo, that outfit stands out just as someone wearing a Buster costume would on Wall Street. Standing by the bushes in front of the school, glancing nervously to and fro, Buster keeps looking up at the bell tower, then down at his watch. Hamton, curious about this, walks over for a better look.

"Good morning, Buster. That's a new look on you. Let me guess...hard-boiled detective day?"

"Umm, no. My...that is, I...I mean, all my red sweaters are in the laundry and this was all I had lying around."

"I see. Say, have you seen Shirley and Babs this morning? Fifi is looking for them, and she's awfully mad."

Buster looks fearful for a second, but then composes himself. "Uhh, no Hamton, I haven't today. I know they were studying together last night on a...um...project they're doing together."

"Oh, OK. Well, I've got to get to class. Professor Fudd's giving that Physics test today, and I want to get some last minute lab work in before it. See you later." He starts to walk away, then turns to the bushes as he goes by. "See you two later, Babs and Shirley." He heads into the school.

Babs and Shirley stand up. They are dressed, like Buster, in trench coats and dark glasses, with large fedoras pulled down on their heads. "Well, like, so much for being inconspicuous. I mean, I look like a reject from a bad spy film, or some junk."

Babs takes on a bad Bogart accent, trying to fit the part. "Eh, don't knock it, sweetheart. I don't think the pig'll squeal. Now all we have to do is get past the big stinker and we'll be home free."

Buster looks over at Babs. "Rope it in, Bogie. We still need to get through the day today." The school bell starts to ring. "Come on, that's first bell. If we hurry, we can sneak in and sit in the back of the room for the test."

The trio looks around, and starts up the stairs, collars pulled up. High above them, Gogo Dodo lounges upside down and watches them enter, then looks straight at us. "And they think I'm crazy? WooHoo! Honk Honk!"

Our three protagonists enter the back of Freleng Memorial Hall, the largest lecture hall on campus. They take seats at the back of the hall, in the upper deck. As we pan down, we see the hall is roughly the size of the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. Down toward the front of the hall, we see a tiny chalkboard and an even tinier podium. Through the aisles, vendors are hawking various items to the students.

A vendor walks by them, calling out. "Get your cold drinks here. Ice cold carrot sodas."

Buster looks over at Shirley and Babs. "Well, this far back, we should be somewhat inconspicuous."

A second vendor comes up the aisle. "Red Hots. Get yer red hots right here."

Babs nods. "I just hope we can get through the day without anything worse happening. Shirley, have you picked up anything on our fairy fellow?"

Shirley, who has had her eyes closed and is quietly chanting to herself, looks up at Babs for a second. "Like, negatory, Babs. Seems like this Gossamer dude has taken a powder, or something."

Across the hall, a third vendor is making his way around. His voice reaches Buster and Babs. "Get your fresh Number 2 pencils here. Sharpened number 2 pencils, right here!"

Buster ponders this news. "Umm, Shirley, what about if YOU channeled this Gossamer fella. Couldn't you use his powers?"

"No can do, Blue Boy. Like, he's a guy, you know, and the polarities of our astral projections would be all wrong, or some junk." She gets a thoughtful look on her face. "But, there is, like, another choice. I could channel him into you, Buster."

"Me?" Buster flashes back on visions of himself steaming from a recent lightning strike. He gulps, loudly.

"Yes, you."

"I don't know, Shirley. Isn't that dangerous?"

"Like, no more so than me channeling those powers. I mean, like, you were real willing for me to be the channeler, or some junk. What about you?"

Babs looks over at Buster. "I know you don't want to, and I understand if you say no, but we need your help, Buster. Please?" She bats her eyelashes at him, and then gets the most adorable sad puppy dog eyes.

Buster flinches, unable to resist. "Ok, Ok, I'll do it. Just lose the puppy dog stare, sister. What do I do, Shirley?"

"Like, just sit back, close your eyes and relax, Blue Boy. It'll be over in a minute, or some junk." She closes her eyes and goes into a transcendental trance. "Like, I call upon the spirits of the world, or some junk. I call forth the spirit of the Hairy Fairies, Gossamer and Rudolph. Like, their powers I now call unto Buster Bunny, to wield as his right, as Babs' protector." Buster raises his eyebrows when he hears this, but otherwise doesn't move. "Like, I call you forth now." She points at Buster with both hands. Two streaks of red lightning leap from her hands and envelope Buster, illuminating him like a x-ray. They stop, and we see him there, steaming.

Babs looks over at her now slightly crispy friend. "Buster, are you OK?"

He opens up one groggy eye at peers up at Babs. "Yeah, I'm alright. But hey, Shirley, next time, can we at least let me get grounded before you hit me with 1.21 Gigawatts?"

Babs does a quick spin change and is now dressed like Dr. Emmett Brown. "1.21 Gigawatts?"

Shirley and Buster both look over at Babs. In unison, they say, "Babs!"

Babs spins changes back to her normal self. "Sorry. Sometimes I just can't help myself."

Shirley turns to Buster. "Like, sorry, dude. I mean, there was way more power there than I expected. How do you feel?"

Buster shrugs. "I don't know. Kinda weird. Why?" Suddenly he notices that he is starting to look down on Babs and Shirley. He looks down at himself. "Yipes! What's going on?"

Babs is speechless. Before her eyes, her friend is turning into a 7-foot tall blue hairy hare – in tennis shoes, no less. She turns to Shirley. "Well, it looks like it worked."

"Like, duh - of course it worked. Buster, I don't know how long it will work, but you should be able to grant Babs' hair wishes now."

"Good. Buster, I wish that..."

"Crib notes! Get your crib notes here!" A vendor comes up directly behind them at that moment.

"I wish that you would change me and Shirley back to norm-"

"GET YOUR CRIB NOTES!"

The vendor is now practically shouting in Babs' ear. She turns to him, and starts to shout back. "WILL YOU BE QUIET? I-"

PFZZZZZT!

Buster automatically raises a hand and red lightening shot from him toward Babs. However, when Babs turned, the bolt missed her. Striking the shiny metallic railing behind her, the bolt reflects in about 20 different directions and starts bouncing around the hall. Some parts of it strike walls or floors and dissipate harmlessly. But a few parts find... shall we say friendlier targets.

Babs and Shirley look up with obvious horror on their faces as they hear shouts of exclamation coming up from the hall. Shirley looks down at herself, and then faints as she realizes her feathers have been replaced with a light lavender fur and a single white stripe.

Buster looks at Shirley, and then at Babs, and hits his head. "I knew this was a bad idea."

Babs grabs Buster's binoculars and looks out through them across the lecture hall. As she does so, her eyes bug out of the front of them in standard toon panic reaction number three. As we look across the hall, we see why.

Down in the front section, a number of toons are arguing and pointing at each other. Hamton is now sporting a coat of white feathers, while Plucky and Sweetie have changed both size and color. Plucky now looks up at the cute big green birdie and mutters, "Mother" before fainting to the ground. The biggest shock, though, is from Fifi. She screams once and cowers behind her chair, blushing, and then reaches gingerly for Plucky's cape and grabs it. Babs watches from behind as her hair tormentor is now completely bald and totally naked.

At this moment, Professor Fudd walks in, pushing in front of him a wheelbarrow piled 10 feet high with tests. He is startled by the reaction, but ignores it for the moment. After all, students always hate mid-term exams, don't they? "A little whining and gnashing of teeth will do them vewy well, I think," he says to himself. Suddenly, he feels a tugging on his arm. He looks over and sees what he thinks is Plucky. It slowly dawns on him what he is seeing is now a 4-foot tall cute green birdie.

"Uhhh, Sweetie, what happened to you?"

"I dunno, Professor. One moment, I'm minding my business, and the next, KABLAMMO! I'm tall and green. Kinda weird, huh?"

"My word, this will nevuh do. I must go see Pwincipal Bugs wight away. All of you, wemain calm, help will be hewe soon." He hustles off, leaving in a flurry of tests papers. As he heads down the hall, you here him screaming.

"Help! Help!"

Babs looks up at Buster. "Now look what you did!"

"What I did? It was your wish that caused all the trouble in the first place. Can I help it if I'm a lousy shot?"

"Great. Now what do we do?"

"Excuse me, what's this 'we' stuff?"

"Well, you're the one channeling the powers."

Buster starts to say something when a red whirlwind appears around him, shrinking him back down to normal size. "Uhhh, then again, maybe not."

The whirlwind moves above Babs, and coalesces into a familiar 7-foot tall hairy monster. Babs and Buster move together and hold each other for comfort. "Oh boy, are we in trouble now."

"There you go again with that 'we' business."

"SILENCE!"

Buster and Babs look up at one very angry red hairy fairy. Gossamer's eyes are glowing white hot from the rage inside him. "How dare you take and channel my powers without my permission. And look at the results. Out of control magic, wildly flung around the hall here, things totally out of control. Giant green birds? Furry lavender loons? Naked skunkettes? Have you lost your minds?"

Buster stands up to Gossamer. "Now wait a minute here, Mister. We tried to contact you, and YOU wouldn't show up. You failed to come when called upon, per your own rules. Maybe we tried and failed to do your job, Mister, but you never even showed up!"

Gossamer opens his mouth to rebut the rabbit, then stops. He looks for a second, and then a look of understanding comes over him. "Egad, you may be right. I forgot to check my messages before I went to sleep. Oh dear, the union is going to be very severe in this case." He starts muttering and pacing in mid air "This will never do. I'll lose the promotion...I'll never get promoted...I may even be demoted to...dare I say...dust fairy." He shudders at the thought.

"Darn right they will...but maybe they'll go lenient if we clean up this mess?"

Gossamer looks down at Buster and Babs. "You are wise beyond your years, rabbits. Ummm, I don't suppose you have any ideas on how to clean this up?"

Buster looks back at him. "No...I was kind of hoping you might."

Babs chimes in. "Sheesh. This one is so simple, even I can think it up. Gossamer, does my third wish cover taking me back to when this all started?" He nods. "OK. If I go back and then don't wish...none of this ever happened, right?"

"My word, what a brilliant piece of reasoning. So be it."

"Hang on a second, Gossamer." Babs turns to Buster. "Look, thanks for everything. You won't remember what you did for me over the last day...but I will."

"Hey, all in a day's work for me, getting barbecued and blown up for my best friend." He pulls her close and hugs her. "See you on the other side."

"Ahem. Sorry to interrupt, but it's time. Are you ready, Miss Bunny?"

Babs reaches up once, takes off her hat, and one last time runs her paw through her hair. Wistfully, she lets her paws fall to her side. "Yes. Gossamer, I wish all of this was reversed, and that I am taken back to where I was before I made the first wish."

Suddenly, Babs' world lights up, like a million flashbulbs going off in quick succession. The pressure of the light pushes at her, and she finds herself taking two steps sideways as she shields her eyes against the light. Suddenly, her ears are assailed by the cheers from the boys' table, as they encourage Dizzy to finish what he's eating.

Babs looks around, and sees she's seated next to Shirley, while Sweetie and Mary Melody are going over their Physics notes. Thankfully, everyone appears to be back to normal.

It appears Fifi and Shirley are having a discussion. The stunning skunkette speaks up. "Awww, mon petite loon, just because your hair eez not so stunningly gorgeous as moi, vous must work harder at it than moi. Moi eez tres understanding and tres sympathetique."

Babs shakes her head. "Come on, Fifi, Shirley's got a point. Longer hair styles are a lot of trouble to take care of. Just ask Mary, she's a runner and she keeps it short for that reason. Right, Mary?"

Mary thinks about this for a second, seriously weighing the issue as only a teenage female can truly do. "No, I just think it looks better short on me. Personally, though, I agree with you about long hair."

Fifi looks daggers at Babs. "Well, moi does not think that vous should have le opinion, Babs. After all, vous has no hair at all, just a little short pink fur on ze top. Nothing to be styled, teased, or curled into the tres magnifique work of art that moi has."

Babs opens her mouth to reply, and then stops for a second. Suddenly she has visions of Shirley bald, and with purple fur, Sweetie tall and green, and startlingly, Fifi naked as a jaybird. She reaches up on her head and feels, almost ghostlike, the shadows of the hair she wore. "It really happened." She thinks.

All of her friends at the table are looking at her. Suddenly, Babs starts to laugh. "Ha, Fifi! Hair is probably much more trouble than it's worth! I know I am." The table erupts with laughter.

The laughter attracts the attention of the guys table. Buster, Plucky and Dizzy wander over. Plucky stands next to Shirley, while Buster stands next to Babs. "Ok, so what's so funny?"

Babs and Shirley look at Plucky. They both suddenly have a vision of him six inches high, wearing pink feathers and with a yellow bow in his hair.

They look back at each other, and crack up, laughing so hard they fall to the floor and start rolling around, holding their stomachs.

Plucky looks over at Buster, who shrugs back. "Women."

"Yeah, Pluckster. I mean, who can figure them out."

"You got that right, old buddy. Still I wish just once I understood where they were coming from. Come on, let's get to the library."

Buster and Plucky head out the cafeteria doors. As they are exiting, there appears a smiling 7-foot tall red hairy monster, hovering over the doors. Babs is the only one who sees him.

The monster smiles and winks at Babs, then follows Buster and Plucky out the doors and into the hall. Through the small windows on the doors, we see a sudden flash of red light, followed by the screams of a duck and a rabbit.

Babs hears a high pitched voice coming from the hallway. "Plucky? What did you do to us now?"

Babs puts her hands over her face, shakes her head, and then looks directly at the camera. "Here we go again!" The screen irises in on her face until black.