A/N: And here is Kate's headspace. Now you can understand, not that it was a surprise to any of you, you're all little geniuses… well, onward (I think this might be my new fav word)… =)).
Kate felt physically ill as she laid her head against the pillow, but she was sure it had nothing to do with her bullet wound. Kate didn't like having to be so harsh with Castle, and she knew it hurt her a hell of a lot more than it had hurt him, but she was sure it was the only way. If she had told him that she was worried for his safety, and she was afraid that Lockwood would come after him, simply to get to her, he would have easily dismissed it and insisted on protecting her no matter what the consequences were. And she wasn't willing to stake his life on it. Not when she was so sure that Lockwood would come after her, there was no doubt about that, and Kate would be ready when that time came, but she was sick and tired of putting lives on the line, for a battle that was hers.
Kate thought back to her chat with Lanie.
"Oh my God, girl," Lanie announced leaned over the bed and hugged her, careful not to hurt her. "You had us all worried."
"Sorry," she muttered weakly. Kate was feeling okay, despite the bullet wound. It hurt when she talked, and so she kept her voice to a minimal low.
"Why did you call me in?" she asked in surprise. "It's not that I don't appreciate it, I just- all of assumed you'd call in Castle first."
"I have to talk to you, Lanie," she announced.
"Is this the kind of something, I slap you upside the head for, by the time you're done?" her friend asked skeptically.
"Lanie," she said locking eyes with her. "I can't risk anymore lives. My mom… the Captain," she winced at the name. It still hurt to know that the Captain was dead and there was nothing she could have done. She didn't blame Castle, but she felt the excuse would be valid and he would stay away believing that she blamed him for the Captain's death.
"What are you talkin' about, girl?"
"I'm talking about Castle," she whispered. "I don't want him around anymore. He's gonna get himself killed and I can't be responsible for leaving Alexis without a dad, I can't. Please, Lanie, you have to help me."
Lanie stepped back. "I can't," she said regrettably. "I know how much he loves you, and I can't help you turn him away. If Esposito was trying to do the same to me, I would… I can't, Kate."
Kate shook her head softly. "Then I'll just have to do it on my own."
"He'll see right through you!" Lanie insisted.
"I'll make him turn away," she said with determination.
"You can't do that!" Lanie snapped.
"I have to," she stated.
This time it was Lanie would shook her head, and without another word, she turned on her heel and headed back to the waiting room to be with her boyfriend.
It was safe to say, Kate didn't get much sleep that night, and when she finally did drift off to sleep, she had nightmares about Lockwood, her mother, and Castle.
After the nurses brought Kate breakfast, which she barely touched, she heard footsteps stomping down the corridor and they stopped at her door. They were signature footsteps, and Kate knew them as well as she knew her own.
The door burst open, and she appeared, a look of disapproval splashed across her face.
"What the hell did you say to him yesterday?" Lanie demanded stepping up to her bed. "When he came out of ICU, he looked like a dog that had been beaten. I have never seen him look so damaged."
Kate looked away, trying not to show emotion. It was the same look she had seen cross his face when she blamed him for the Captain's murder. He had looked damaged. "I told him it was over."
"What is over?" she pressed.
"I don't want him shadowing me anymore," she said unable to keep the unsteadiness from her tone.
"I don't believe you," Lanie stated. "What's the deal, girl? You tell me the truth!"
"It is the truth," she shrugged, wincing at the pain that shot through to her chest.
"It's about Lockwood," Lanie insisted. "You think he's going to get himself killed because he would willingly do anything to protect you. You think if you send him home and he's not around, then he'll be safe."
Kate rolled her eyes. Why did Lanie seemingly know everything about her, not that castle hadn't gotten it right too.
"Don't you think he'll be safer away from me?" Kate challenged.
"I think if you got killed, Castle could never forgive himself. I think he needs to be helping you, and I think he could do it without getting himself killed. And I'm not sure you can do this on your own, Kate, and I don't mean you're not capable. I just think you need some back-up!" Lanie expressed.
"And if he gets killed?" she asked sadly. "Am I going to forgive myself? I can't risk his life for my fight, Lanie."
"Cause you're in love with him?" Lanie said as more of a statement than a question.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"It has to do with everything."
"Lanie, this is ridiculous!"
The black woman crossed her arms across her chest, and gave Kate Beckett the look.
"Wouldn't you do anything you could to protect Esposito, if the situation were reversed?" Kate asked turning the tables on her friend.
There was no hesitation in her reply. "Yeah, I would. You know I would."
"Then why are you fighting me on this?"
"Because you'd do the same thing if it were me!"
"So what do I do?" Kate asked humbly.
Lanie shrugged. "You find Lockwood, do what you have to, and then bring back Castle."
Kate nodded. That seemed like a good idea.
Mmm, what are you all thinking? Feel free to leave your thoughts in that crazy little place called REVIEWS! And say hi to the rest of the voices in my head =)).
