From the outside you wouldn't know anything had changed. The change seemingly minor; just a person who isn't there anymore. But inside the unchanging shell of Maple House, the absence was a haunting presence. Lucy could feel it because she could feel Nana. Her presence was a bright star shining but with less light than she remembered. For what little she knew about Nana, she knew that signified an awful blow to her heart. She missed her father, or the man who she called father. She even missed Nyuu. Nana did not know it, but she was one of the greatest reasons that Lucy ever found hope of overcoming what she was. Nana was not a monster, she had clung to love and even though she had suffered so much, she did not give in to the killing instincts. It made her believe that perhaps all of those people were wrong about the Diclonius. Killing wasn't something that came natural to them, the imprint of cruelty upon innocence sowed the seeds of malice. She wondered if Nana heard the Voice as well. Her hand trembled as it hovered over the door handle. Should she knock? No, not just yet, maybe she would just wander in and listen to them first. Hear how they have been getting along without her before she utterly uproots them with her presence. Her decision made, she gently slid the door open and walked into the courtyard, closing it silently behind her. She stopped when she saw Wanta, Mayu's dog, but he was sound asleep. Moving as quietly as she was able, she walked past him and towards the open front door, making sure to approach it in such a way that she would not be visible by anyone walking down the hall. The warm quiet sounds of living could be heard from the door, the tapping of spoons in pots and the sizzle of meat, light conversation from two girls in the kitchen. Nana and Mayu. With a start she realized that Nana really should be able to sense her and wondered why her presence hadn't alerted everyone in the house already. Soft sounds of glass against wood told her that a table was being set in the dining room. Then she heard his voice…
"Kouta," she whispered slowly, tears stinging her eyes. He was asking a question, but she couldn't hear the words, and heard Yuka answering him. She fought back the sting of jealousy again as always, and it was easier. Yuka deserved him more than she did. If they were together now, and it made him happy, then she could live with that. It would rip her heart into thousands of pieces but never would she hurt Yuka for it, as she had once intended to do long ago. Taking a few more steps into the house her eyes rested on the clock. Nyu had been attached to this, it was one of the only other memories she could recall as Nyuu, as she spent a lot of time with the old clock, trying fruitlessly to fix it. She was drawn to it, almost as if it were Nyuu now who's desire and will worked through her. She opened the case and knelt down, her hands reaching inside the mechanism and she started quietly working on it without really knowing what she was doing. Nyuu had apparently spent so much time with this old thing that she had actually figured it out, but merely lacked the cognitive skills to apply that knowledge to finish what she'd started.
"Thank you Nyuu," Lucy whispered as she used Nyuu's instincts to fix what was broken…it was so like her.
But that's why I'm here. To fix something that's broken.
She finished her task, and closed the door, smiling as she watched the seconds hand tick. The din of the voices sounded like they were all in the dining room. Silently, she wandered over close to the door and leaned against the wall, out of sight. New memories coming to her, memories from Nyuu of living with people she loved and who loved her back, being happy. It was a dream, just like Kouta had been back then. She was so tired of living in dreams. She needed this to be real, and if it couldn't be, then she'd rather know it than pretend. But even still, she let the memories fill her with happiness, for however brief she could hold onto the feeling. She briefly closed her eyes and vividly saw Kouta and Yuka in her memory…Nyuu's memory, on those steps. They had been looking for her after discovering that she had escaped that foolish "teacher". She had been on the verge of telling Kouta what she had done to him all those years ago when the horror in his eyes shocked her back into being Nyuu. She'd felt forced out of the way, as though Nyuu was coming to his rescue.
"Kouta!" She'd cried as she leapt upon him, and her happiness was Lucy's happiness. Their personas were so close together at that moment. So much that Lucy's sadness was Nyuu's sadness.
Hold me Kouta, please I need you so much.
"hug…"
"Eh…?"
Please hold me, don't let me leave.
"Kouta…hug." She was Nyuu, but yet still herself. Buried in the comfort of his arms, she remembered their past, and was so sorry…so very sorry she had hurt him. Nyuu cried but Lucy knew she would never understand why.
"We'll always be together."
Don't let go…
"Kouta…"
"That's right, this is your first time eating Somen noodles." Yuka's voice snapped Lucy out of her reverie.
"Oh yeah, I couldn't be here last time you served them," came Nana's reply. Why couldn't she sense Lucy the way she could sense Nana? But then she knew. Nyuu had been devoid of a presence to sense. She had found a way to shut it down so she could be with Kouta…so they could be with him. Now that Lucy was starting to pull the pieces of herself together, she found herself with one last gift from Nyuu: anonymity, a real chance at normalcy. The ability to shut down her Diclonius abilities at will.
"There are just so many wonderful things in this world," Nana continued, her voice straining from the effort of trying not to cry, "so many good things."
They were happy, and why shouldn't they be? Lucy was no longer a part of their lives. The pain, horror and death that came with her could no longer touch them. How could she even think to come back into their lives? Better that they thought her dead…better if she were dead. A sob threatened to escape her lips but she choked it back, an effort that was physically painful, and started to silently walk away. With her head lowered, she noticed the music box on a shelf. Stopping to run her fingers over the wood of the box, she smiled and opened it. The gentle, beautiful notes of Lilium began to ring out. She savored the notes of the song as she walked away, knowing it was the last time she would ever hear it. As she walked through the door, Wanta began to bark, likely woken by the sound of the music. The implications of the increased noise level were lost on her as she walked in a trance. She had come to say what she really wanted to say to Kouta, and to give him chance to make a real decision on her fate, but seeing them, and hearing their happiness, she felt she already had her answer.
I'm just a coward.
The thought froze her after she shut the door to the courtyard. Was she just making excuses again? The same ones that set her wandering the streets of Kamakura for a month? Distantly, she heard the chiming of the clock's bell.
It works, she thought to herself with a smile. She smiled, and stepped back from the door, preparing to leave, when the door slid open suddenly. Shock gripped her and she felt paralyzed as she stared into the face that she saw in her dreams every night. She couldn't even utter his name, though she tried with all her will to speak it. Kouta stood before her, his hand still gripping the door and his face frozen in shock. She tried to read what was in his eyes. A warring storm of joy and agony. Another chime from the clock's bell sounded.
"You fixed the clock," Kouta said. The look on his face told her he wished he hadn't picked something so stupid to say to the person he had thought dead.
"I did," Lucy replied, with a shaky laugh. They stared at each other for many breaths, every word Lucy had carefully practiced simply flying out of her mind. Was this real? If she touched Kouta, would she just wake up somewhere else?
"I'm dreaming," Kouta said softly, as if reading her thoughts.
"If you are, then so am I. So don't wake up yet Kouta…I'm not ready for this to be over."
"Over?" he said, the sound of his voice nearing desperate. He wanted to see her…maybe…just maybe…
"Kouta!" a voice called from inside, Yuka. "What's going on? Is someone at the door?"
No, don't stop this, I need time with you Kouta.
He grabbed her hand suddenly, "come on!" Shutting the door behind him he ran, beckoning Lucy to follow him. He knew, he just knew. Kouta always was polite and considerate of others, and under normal circumstances the reintroductions would have likely happened right then, stealing the exclusivity of a moment Lucy wanted for only the two of them. But he knew…maybe because he wanted it too. She allowed herself to hope, just a little.
They hadn't gone far. They stopped at a walkway leading down with a stone wall rising on one side of the walkway, grass and trees stretched out further in the other direction, and straight ahead, a clear view of the surrounding countryside, and ocean. Numerous times Kouta had needed to stop and allow her to catch up, her legs too shaky to trust, and now that they were through running, she leaned against the stone wall, afraid her legs would not support her any longer. Her head was spinning, her mind reeling. Was she dreaming? She caught her breath as she stared at him, his back was to her as he caught his own breath and she took in every detail of him. As her breathing steadied somewhat, she impulsively reached out and gently trailed her fingertips down his shoulder, to the length of his arm. He turned suddenly to face her as she did this, and she looked up from his arms to his face as she reluctantly let her fingertips leave his skin.
"Sorry…I wanted to be sure I wasn't dreaming."
"The run didn't convince you of that? I'm out of breath." She laughed a little, and so did he. The humor faded quickly as once again they were left simply staring at one another, with a loss of things to say, even though there was so much to talk about. After the silence stretched long enough, Kouta finally broke it.
"I thought you were dead."
"Do you want me to be? I'll do anything for you Kouta. Even that…maybe especially that."
"I didn't…"
"You didn't mean it that way? I know you didn't. Even though you know I deserve it." Kouta turned away.
"What's your name?" It was a tragically silly question, more tragic because he needed to ask. She had never told him. "It's not Nyuu…and I get the feeling it's not Lucy either."
"I was born Kaede. If you had asked me my name back then, that is the name I would have given you." Kouta lowered his eyes in shame.
"I never asked you your name back then. How could I be so inconsiderate?" She almost laughed mirthlessly. She killed his father and sister, and here he was ashamed of acting inconsiderate to HER. It would be funny if it weren't so miserably awful. She forced herself to keep talking, fearing she would shut down if she stopped now.
"If you would ask my name now, I'll tell you my name is Lucy."
"That name everyone kept calling you? I knew people were saying that was your name, but somehow it didn't fit right with me."
"Not as much as Nyuu fit…yes?"
"I…"
Stop this. Say the things that matter.
"Kouta, please look at me." He did, slowly but finally meeting her eyes. She steadied herself, and allowed a few moments to simply drown in his gaze. "I'm Lucy now…I want you to call me that. It's who I've always wanted to be." Kouta nodded.
"I am more sorry that you will ever know that I did the things I did to your family, and I accept that you can never forgive me. I wish I could have been born to something other than pain. Maybe things could have been different…but…" she took a deep breath.
"I am what I am Kouta. But I am not what I was. You told me you loved the little girl…Kaede, and that you loved Nyuu." Kouta was silent, his face unreadable beyond scattered emotions, playing violently behind his eyes.
"I need you to see me…all of me…for who and what I am."
"You want to know if I understand you're not Nyuu."
"Do you?"
"Of course I do! You're completely different people."
"We're the same person Kouta, she was a dream living in my body."
"I know that, I didn't mean…" Kouta ran his hands through his hair, struggling for the words. She remained silent to let him find those words. She knew how it felt not being able to find the right words. When he started to seem desperate, she took a step forward, hoping to comfort him and calm his nerves. He recoiled one step, the perceived rejection stabbing her heart. She almost stepped away from him.
No…face me Kouta. That wasn't right. She shouldn't just think the words in her heart and not say them.
"Kouta," she took another step towards him, rested her hand on his shoulder, "don't run from me, please."
She waited, her hand resting on Kouta's shoulder, absentmindedly trailing her hand down his body until her palm rested upon his chest. He seemed not to notice.
"You were what was missing," he finally said to her, "I know those eyes, I've seen them in Nyuu. From time to time, it was like someone else was looking back at me through those eyes. It always made me feel like…I had always known you, even when I couldn't remember you."
He had known! He had seen her! Even if he did not know quite what it was, he had still seen through to the real her.
"I couldn't explain…why I was falling in love…"
With me? Please tell me.
"Didn't make sense, you were so childlike, even when you…" he suddenly could not meet her eyes.
"I'm sor…"
"Don't you dare apologize Kouta! Don't you dare tell me it was a mistake! I wanted you to touch me. Me. Lucy. It wasn't just Nyuu who wanted you." He met her eyes again, and opened his mouth, presumably to apologize for seemingly upsetting her, but wisely ate the words.
"Keep talking Kouta…please." He nodded, and visibly worked up the nerve to finish his thought.
"It was you I was seeing when it would happen, when we embraced. Anytime I was close to you. I was…" Lucy's breathing caught, she dared not exhale.
"I was falling in love with you…" Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled over.
"You think I just loved pieces of you," he continued, "and I think that night I said those things to you, I was having a lot of trouble making it all work in my mind…how could I love you…" his teeth clenched and his eyes closed.
"And want you to fucking die." He couldn't have wounded her more if he had physically ripped her heart out.
"Kouta!" Lucy sobbed. "Kouta I'm so sor…"
"Don't you do it Lucy! Don't you fucking say it again!"
"But I…" Kouta's eyes opened, and they were full of tears. He grabbed fistfuls of her dress and shook her.
Hurt me Kouta, do whatever you have to do. I won't fight you. I deserve it.
"You think I don't know how sorry you are? You think I don't know exactly who and what you are right now? Standing before me? You think I don't know why you're really here! YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU!"
"Oh Kouta," she cried in racking sobs, "I'll die for you if that's what it takes, just say it. I'll walk into the sea and drown, I'll let you tear me apart if you want to!"
"You brought me here because you wanted me to understand you. But it's you who doesn't understand anything. All this time and you still think violence is the answer."
"I am violence Kouta. But I am not cruelty…not anymore. You changed everything for me. But I can't take back what I have done." Kouta yanked his hands from Lucy and furiously clawed them through his hair, then locked his gaze upon her again, suddenly taking her face in his hands. She took a quick, shuddering gasp and fell silent, wide stricken eyes staring back into Kouta's.
"When I remembered…everything. I hated you. This past month, when I thought you were dead, I felt nothing but sadness. It ripped at my heart, I haven't been able to get out of bed, or sleep at night. I thought I hated you, but how could that be true when all I have wanted every minute of every day, was to have you back?"
"Kouta," she whispered, her breath shuddering as the last syllable left her lips.
"I…don't blame you for Kanae…"
What?
"Or my father."
"Kouta, you don't know what you're saying."
"Just listen to me Lucy," this was madness, he was delirious with grief. All her fault…all her fault…
"The ones I hate, are the ones who hurt you."
Flashes of images. Rage and blood. Vengeance, dark satisfaction.
"I have no excuse Kouta."
"You were a child Lucy. For all the anger you felt, and the death you caused, you were still just a child. You thought I betrayed you. And why shouldn't you think that? It was all you knew." Kouta let his hands slip down her face and brush her neck. Her legs suddenly were having trouble supporting her and she reached up with one hand to clutch Kouta's arm.
"I understand that the pain of that terrible night wasn't just mine to bear. It's taken me a long time, but I know now, that it destroyed you too." He gripped her shoulders, and felt pressure on his fingertips. She responded by stepping closer to him.
"So I don't want to hear how sorry you are Lucy. I already know your regrets are killing you. You bear the responsibility, but I won't let you take the blame. Because I do see you Lucy. And I know you're not a monster. If I thought you would have done the same things if you had the chance to go back, then I would tell you to walk into the ocean."
She felt ashamed. She had underestimated him. His forgiveness was beyond believing, seemingly impossible. But she realized this was why she loved him. Only Kouta could have had the capacity to forgive such a terrible thing. It was not that he abhorred violence so much that he would forgive any slight, or outrage. Evil had picked her character and written her plot, and a lonely, dangerous, ten year old girl had played her part. He cared about her despite everything. He was trying to rescue her, comfort her, as he did all those years ago. As he did when she was Nyuu. He had no reason to do this…no reason…
"Lucy, look at me." She had been staring at the ground, not meeting his gaze. She did so now, the sight of him made her heart ache. She wanted him to hold her, she wished she had the courage to ask.
"Lucy, I love you…"
Years she had waited. Hundreds she had fought against, agonies she had suffered, anguish she had lived. Those four words made every moment worth it a thousand times and more.
"I wanted to tell you," she said, pausing between words to steady her voice to keep from sobbing uncontrollably. She had to finish it before she gave in, she had to say the words she came to say.
"I have always loved you Kouta. You're the memory that kept me alive, you're the reason I fought for my freedom. I'd walk through hell for you Kouta…oh god I love you so much…need you like air to breathe," she was shaking uncontrollably.
"Kouta, please hold me." He gathered her in his arms and she let go and wept. She had no idea how any of this was going to work, or if it even could. For all she knew, it would all fall apart and she would have to leave again, but she trusted Kouta. Everything she was, belonged to him.
I know my purpose. I know what I would fight for, kill for…and die for.
"Kouta…I am what I am. Know that I will do anything for you, I will go to any lengths for you, and I will destroy anyone or anything that would hurt you or take you from me. I will not deceive you or hide the dark pieces of myself from you. Nyuu did that for you, but she couldn't love you like I do. And if you mean it, you'll take all of me, or let me go now, because I can't bear it if you love something that I'm not."
"You already know how I feel Lucy. I'm not looking back."
Pasts filled with pain, and a present fraught with struggle. A struggle to live, to find forgiveness and atonement, and most of all, to forgive themselves for all they had done, or failed to do. Lucy kissed Kouta's neck and buried her face in his shoulder.
But the future…maybe we can finally know happiness. I have a chance now. A real one, free from illusions and lies.
The sky had been darkening for some time, now the sun slipped beneath the horizon and the first stars appeared in the sky.
"We should go back Lucy, it's going to be a long night."
"We're still dreaming aren't we?"
Kouta laughed a little. She loved the sound. One day, she would be good enough to bring laughter back into his life. After all, when you lived your life so long in the dark, sometimes you had to believe in miracles. Kouta had forgiven her, even though he said he never could, a miracle beyond miracles. He would never forget, she knew. She also knew it would take a very long time before he would ever stop thinking of her as his family's murderer, and she knew very well it was possible that he might not. But this was worth fighting for.
"I guess we are," he replied, his hands gently caressing her back, and his lips mere breaths from her own. She turned her head and brushed her lips against his, letting the feather light touch send shivers down her body until he gave into the temptation to kiss her, the way he had that night. But this felt different, filled with more love than grief. Kouta was right, there was going to be a long night, and a very difficult time ahead. But she had him here and now, his touch whispering over her hips, her body held tightly against his own and she wanted…
"Well I'm not ready to wake up."
"Lucy?"
"Stay with me…just a little longer."
Full dark had come, the night air whispering it's song among the trees where Kouta and Lucy hid from the world, the song of Lilium playing in Lucy's mind as they made love. With each moment of ecstasy that passed between them, she thought of a hundred ways to tell him what he meant to her, and what this moment meant to her. But the only thing that ever came out was his name, whispered over and over. It said everything. Their lovemaking had lasted for a long time, but it felt too brief for Lucy. There would always be next time, she thought to herself with a smile. Standing with Kouta at the Maple House's front door, she was surprised she did not feel more uneasy. But considering how emotionally, and physically drained she was, she supposed it was to be expected. And now she was about to walk cheerfully into another emotional hurricane. She sighed.
"You don't have to do this tonight Lucy."
"You're just as tired as I am, and you have to take your lumps for running out on everyone without saying anything. If I'm going to stand by you, I will either do it now, or not at all."
Kouta smiled at her and took her hand. She smiled back, and triggered her vectors to silently open the courtyard door. About now, Nana would be dropping something expensive and breakable on the floor, and generally freaking out. She felt she owed it to them to offer at least some warning, however insufficient. Sure enough, they had barely made it to the front door when it flew open to reveal three girls, in various states of physical disarray, with different states of shock on their faces. Mayu's was mixed with joy, Nana's with disbelief and hope, and Yuka's….they would have to deal with that one somehow, but at least she read joy as well so maybe there was hope after all.
"Nyuu?" Yuka said, "is that really you?"
Lucy smiled and took a deep breath. "No," she scolded herself. She should really learn to remove the icy chill from her voice. She didn't talk to Kouta like that.
"Huh?"
"My name is Lucy."
"What happened to Nyuu?" Nana asked, instantly understanding, as only a Diclonius could. Lucy turned to gaze pointedly at the working clock. Nana did not ask a second time.
"Come on everyone," Kouta said, "there's a lot we have to talk about." As he turned to walk inside, Yuka stepped forward towards Lucy and he froze. Lucy merely waited but Yuka smiled, "welcome home." At that the mood relaxed. A mention of dinner was made and they all turned to head inside. As Yuka turned to leave, Lucy reached out and touched her arm.
"Yuka…"
"Kouta's right, there's a lot to talk about and I've got a lot I want to say to you. But not tonight. You look exhausted and like you've been crying all night…I know a little of what that's like…"
Lucy opened her mouth to say more but Yuka held up her hand.
"I mean it Ny…," she cleared her throat, "Lucy. Welcome home." She turned and walked inside, with Lucy following up to the threshold where she paused. She had passed through these doors with acceptance as another person, and once as an intruder. But she, Lucy, was being allowed this sanctuary, where lonely, forgotten, abused, and tortured souls found their way back to the light. All she had to do, was walk towards it.
"Lucy?"
I am what I am
"I'm coming."
A girl who lived through hell.
Stained by evil.
Forged by hate.
She took one step, another…and another….
A girl who found heaven in the eyes of a kind stranger.
Unworthy of paradise, but given the chance to have it.
Stronger than my pain.
Stronger than my fear.
Strong enough to find my purpose in a world that said I had none.
Kouta…my love…I'll make you proud of me. Just wait and see.
Lucy stepped across the threshold and closed the door behind her, and walked towards the soft light of the dining room…
…To Kouta.
