Don't kill me! Don't kill me! I'm so so so so so so sorry for taking forever to update. It's extremely hard for me to write family stories. Plus I've been extremely busy.
Vlad:yeah, hanging out with her friends busy.
Me:that's a lie! ...Sort of... I've also had my tai kwon do lessons, my summer studying (my parents make me study during the summer) and piano. Plus, most of my friends I've been with during the summer are leaving so I won't see them when the school year starts next year!
Vlad:your excuses are horrible.
Me:*sniffles* I know. *run into the corner of shame, hiding from angry readers*
Anywho, one time me and my friends were talking about Vlad Tod and everybody else when they were little and we came up with this.
Teacher:okay class, what do you want to be when you grow up.
Little Henry:I want to be a firefighter!
Little Meredith: I want to be a princess.
Little Vlad: I want to be normal when- I mean I want to be a vampire, because I'm totally not a half vampire kid *nervous laugh*
Little Joss: I want to kill all vampires! *Vlad moves away*
Little me: I want to rule the world! MWHAHAHAHA!
Teacher: Wait what?
Little me: I mean puppies!
...This is probably the longest Author's note ever right?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rule 17: You'll need patience. Lot, and lots of patience.
"Do you have to get a job?" Vlad whined for the millionth time.
Otis resisted the urge to strangle his nephew to get him to shut up and simply settled with, "yes. I've answered that before. Money doesn't grow on trees. Besides, I'll be teaching in the same preschool you're going to."
The half-vampire scowled, crossing his arms over his chest, "I don't want you to."
"You don't get a say in it," Otis told him.
"What about Stwipes?" Vlad asked, turning to his stuffed tiger, "he agwees with me."
"Stripes doesn't get a say," his uncle answered.
"Stwipe's will just eat all your students," Vlad threatened.
"I thought you said killing was bad," Otis laughed.
Vlad paused to think this over, "yeah, but Stwipes is a tiger, it's diffwent."
"Oh yeah? Why?" Otis grinned. If he could handle a half-vampire toddler he can, without a doubt, handle a classroom of preschoolers.
Vlad rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Because he's a tiger!" the toddler exclaimed in exasperation.
Otis checked his watch, "I have an interview with one of the workers, I'll have to leave soon. If you want you can go to the school with me."
Vlad paused, thinking it over, "can Stwipes go too?" he inquired.
Otis nodded; grabbing his car keys, "Sure, we have to hurry; I can't be late for this interview."
Vlad considered making Otis late, but then decided against it. Following Otis to the car he asked, not for the first time, "Do you have to get a job?"
Needless to say, Otis Otis facepalmed again.
"Hello Mr. Otis," said a grinning secretary, "It's such a pleasure to meet you." she said, "We really need extra teachers, you know? The class rooms are overflowing."
Otis returned a polite smile, "Thanks. You don't mind if my nephew comes along do you?" He gestured towards the scowling toddler.
"Oh he's so cute!" the secretary squealed, "What's your name?" she cooed.
Vlad frowned, "I'm not cute," he muttered, hugging his stuffed animal protectively.
The nurse 'awwed' at Vlad's adorability while Vlad's frown deepened as the secretary led Otis to a classroom.
"That women's weird," Vlad muttered to his uncle, in a see-the-freaks-you'll-be-working-with? kind of tone.
"She's just... eccentric," Otis argued.
"What does that mean?" Vlad asked.
Otis sighed, "Fine, she's weird."
"So this is the class you'll be watching, the teacher's out, but she'll be back in an hour or so. Do you think you can handle this class?" the secretary chirped.
"No problem," Otis smiled.
Otis walked into the classroom with Vlad trailing behind him; hugging Stripes for reassurance.
"Hello class my name is Otis Otis," Otis said, standing next to the teacher's desk, which was full of sharpies, crayons, color paper and other art supplies, "I'll be watching you until your teacher gets back." A class of toddlers stared in confusion at their vampire teacher.
A small girl with pigtails raised her hand, "Why are your names the same?"
"Blame my parents, they never were creative," Otis told her. The students continued to stare at Otis in wonder when the secretary walked back in the room.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, "I just realized that I forgot to get you the attendance for the class."
"No problem, we'll just go down and get the file," Otis said agreeably, then glanced at the class, "but what about the class?"
"I asked a teacher next door to keep an eye on them," the woman assured him.
Rule 18: never leave your half-vampire children in a room full of other children unattended.
Vlad watched as the two adults left the room, he glared at the rest of the class. His hand slid into his pocket, hoping to find something useful. The half-vampire pulled out a quarter. Suddenly an idea hit him. Walking to the teacher's desk he pulled out a sharpie.
"Hey everybody!" he shouted to the class, "I'll give money," he held up his quarter to the classroom, "to anybody who can tell me what the sharpies smell like!"
Needless to say, Otis Otis walked back into a classroom full of toddlers high on the scent of sharpie markers.
Otis stared in shock at the hyperactive students, "What happened here?" he demanded.
"Chocolate mangos!" a toddler screamed, laughing hysterically.
Vlad smirked, slipping his quarter back into his pocket, it was pretty obvious no one was going to be winning this contest.
It was also pretty obvious that the real teacher was not happy with Otis's work.
The car trip home was long, "So Vlad," Otis started, "you wouldn't happen to know why all of the students were so..."
"Eccentwic?" Vlad grinned.
"Yes."
Seeing Otis's grim face Vlad's smile faltered, "I'm sowwy," Vlad said, "I didn't want you to get the job."
Otis sighed, "so you used your vampire powers to make them act like this?"
Vlad looked confused, "No... I used sharpies," then he brightened, "but I can do that?"
Otis groaned inwardly, so much for the Pravus not abusing his powers. "Maybe," he said vaguely; troubled by the thought of Vlad becoming the Pravus, Otis decided to change the topic, "so why didn't you want me to get the job?"
"Because you'll be busy and you won't have time for me," Vlad mumbled.
Otis fought back a smile, "Don't worry Vlad, your father made sure I'll watch you, getting a job won't get me off the hook."
Rule 19: If you are going to read truamatizing stories make sure it contains big words so your half-vampire child won't understand what you're saying.
So once again, it was time for another story in the ever dreaded Vampire Fairy Tales book. Otis really needed to get a new book before this one traumatized and scarred Vlad for life.
"So once upon a time there was this girl called Winter White." Otis groaned, why did he feel like this would be a cheap knockoff version of Snow White?
"And she lived a normal life. Now at that time there was a very strange fanfiction writer on the loose, but then the writer was sedated and brought to school." Second sentence already and Otis was already regretting his choice.
Vlad stared expectantly at his uncle to continue reading the story.
Now around that time the writer was taking a Home Ec. class and was assigned to make an apple pie. Now when the teacher saw the pie, she immediately starting fearing for her life so she told the writer to find someone else to eat the pie. If someone died, she'd get and A, and if it was someone from the school it'll be an A+. Now the writer happily agreed and skipped off until she found Winter White.
"Do you want any pie?" the writer had offered.
Now Winter was still sane, so of course she refused.
"Let me rephrase the question, would you rather eat my pie or be shot down by my army of pandas with bazookas?"
After thinking for a while Winter reluctantly chose the pie. A second after eating it she fainted. The fanfic writer examined Winter and decided to go and get her A, and if she didn't, well, there was always her pandas with bazookas to fix that problem.
After a while a vampire found her and brought her to Melly, the nurse, who saved Winter with her awesome nurse skills, so everybody lived happily ever after.
The end.
"Honestly, what were the publishers thinking when the published this?" Otis said in disgust. He glanced at Vlad to make sure the toddler didn't suffer any brain damage.
"What did sedate mean, and rephrase, and sane? What's fanfiction?" Vlad wrinkled his nose in confusion.
Otis gave a sigh of relief, "I'll explain it to you tomorrow," he promised, "Goodnight Vladimir."
"Goodnight dad."
Otis was halfway down the stairs when he realized what Vlad had just called him.
That was more sappy than funny. Then again, I have a valid excuse! Yiruma's songs were playing on the radio while I was writing this. (Yiruma: romance/classical modern day composer) Anywho I promise the following chapters will be funnier. Yes, I will add D'Ablo but I'm saving it for the last chapter of when Vlad's 3.
Also thanks for all the wonderful suggestions!
REVIEW! You don't want me to get all depressed about the lack of reviews and stop writing for a couple more months do you? *hint hint* However, if I get enough reviews I'll do as much as I can to update next week, or maybe even this week!
Review for the sake of Vlad and Stwipes!
