Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Part: 4/4
Jacob: I just want to be happy
Growing up on the reservation I knew I wanted better out of life. I watched as my sisters struggled to keep our family together as Dad was too busy drinking away his pain after Mom died. Luckily he wasn't a mean drunk, but once Rebecca and Rachel left I was stuck taking care of him.
I was sixteen when I met Paul. I was young and vulnerable and he made my life a little easier for awhile. He was my first boyfriend so I didn't really know what having a "healthy" relationship meant. He told me I was beautiful and gave me gifts, so it was easy to overlook the hateful words he would spew sometimes- after all, didn't I hear most of them from my own father?
Paul broke up with me two weeks after my eighteenth birthday. He had convinced himself that I was sleeping around on him. I found out a week after he broke up with me that he had been cheating on me for most of our relationship. That night I got wasted and hooked up with Edward. The drunken blowjob was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Edward was my knight in shining armor that you read about in fairy tales. I remember being on my knees and looking up at him. The weak bulb in the bathroom made his auburn hair shine like a halo around his head. I'd thought he was angel despite the fact he had laughed in my face. He took me home that night and changed my life.
Edward is not a kind man, but he takes care of those he loves and after years with my father that's all I ask for. I have everything I could ever want with Edward. People look at me as his kept man but I don't stay with Edward for his money or status, but because he is the first man to not ask what I can do for him, but how can he better me. Edward paid for me to go college and offered to help me open an auto shop, but I refused because I realized my dream in life is to raise a family. I love him enough to want to have children with him, which makes my guilt even worse.
I no longer feel guilty for sleeping with Jasper, I feel guilty for being so happy with him. Jasper is like Edward in many ways. Neither Edward's nor Jasper's smile quite reach their eyes, both rarely share their feelings, they're uptight, and Texas will always be a forbidden word.
But Jasper is capable of love. Whatever happened in Texas didn't grab a hold of Jasper like it did Edward. I know Edward tries, and in his own way he loves me, but that's not enough anymore. I can't take anymore whispered sentiments and soft caresses of affection only behind the confines of our home or when he thinks I'm asleep. Jasper promises me the world and unlike Edward, I know he can give deliver.
But I love Edward with a fierceness, and my heart isn't ready to let him go. A few years back I was staying with him because he had saved me from a life doomed to the Reservation, but now he has etched himself a place in my heart and he refuses to let me go, and I know he knows this. I won't let him go until he forces me to.
I was surprised when he said he's wanted a baby. I'd never picture Edward being excited over a kid, but he longs for a child. I think I've convinced myself a child would be able to accomplish what I could not- finally get him to love, which is why I can't continue with my pregnancy. I'm not cruel enough to get him to love a child that is possibly not his own, but his brothers.
A/N: So yea, this little four part drabble has been a kind of distraction from another story I'm working on. The idea came in a dream and I'm kind of in love with the concept. I might work on this some more once I've finished the other story so be on the lookout!
