Summary: If there's one thing to cause the champions of Chaos untold grief, it's their access to cyberspace...

Disclaimer: Yeah, I wish I owned it... Maybe then I wouldn't be up to my neck in tuition-debt!

Queen's Quornor: When I was thinking of other ways to embarrass the characters I love and hate, I decided I wanted to do something for Exdeath. But, not knowing much of anything about the older Final Fantasies (VII and IX are the only ones I've played, though a few friends have convinced me to buy XIII when it comes out), I was was coming up empty. Then I just got this image in my head of.... Well, read on and you'll see why I nearly burst out laughing in the middle of my history class.

He Feels Pretty!

Kuja had only wanted to check his online artist's account. He had not thought anybody else would be awake so late, considering that Sephiroth, the only other confirmed night owl amongst Chaos's ranks, had fought both Firion and that sanctimonious fellow, the self-proclaimed Warrior of Light. The swordsman had not admitted exhaustion, but he had hit the sack almost immediately upon his return, seven hours ago. With him asleep, Kuja had been certain that nobody else would be up.

The image filling his shocked eyes proved otherwise.

Online shopping had become very common among the villains, as none of them enjoyed the spartan accomodations originally offered by the Old Chaos Shrine. Some of them had also turned to the Internet for new clothes, because after a time no amount of washing could remove unwelcome odors and stains from underclothes and arming coats. Nobody thought twice about such things.

Normally, seeing Exdeath seated before the computer would not be cause for alarm. What had rendered Kuja speechless, however, was the bright pink dress stretched tightly over the massive suit of armor.

Kuja fled before Exdeath noticed him, suspecting that he would become intimately familiar with the Void he was always championing if his presence was felt. Leaning against the wall in his own chamber, the mighty Silver Wizard shuddered in revulsion.

"Who would have guessed that the mighty vulture of the Void would long to strut as a peacock?" He hugged himself, torn between disgust and amusement as the realization of what he had just seen sank in. Exdeath was the last person he would have suspected of crossdressing, not only among his immediate peers.

"I wonder if that is the only dress he owns..."


Exdeath's quarters remained nearly as sparse as everyone else's had been prior to the advent of online shopping. The only real addition was the massive wardrobe opposite the bed. Kuja wrinkled his nose; didn't the man ever remove his armor? There were no stands on which to place the individual pieces, a staple in the rooms of Garland, the Emperor, and Golbez. Even Sephiroth and Jecht had pegs and hooks from which to hang their pauldrons and shoulder-guards. Exdeath had nothing of the sort. With a mental note to remain out of olfactory distance of the massive man, Kuja went to the wardrobe and pulled it open, happy that his glowing hand did not leave any residue on the ornate handle.

The wardrobe held nothing but women's garb. Evening wear twinkled in the light from Kuja's spell, tiny skirts and miniscule tops hung titillating alongside them, and a coat of sleek black fur gleamed. A sailor-style school uniform hung from the inside of the door, obscuring the mirror mounted beside the hinges. To a one, all of the outfits were stretched almost out of shape, lending further credence to the idea of Exdeath never taking off his armor.

Opening the other door revealed a vast collection of expensive, non-magical accessories. Necklaces, pendants, and bracelets were neatly organized on special hangers. Scarves of all colors and fabrics were carefully knotted around hooked poles. Sitting on the overhead shelf were a number of faceles white busts, each bearing a different wig.

Kuja quickly closed the doors, feeling his face heat, when he caught sight of a box labelled "Lingerie".

As he turned, the Silver Wizard caught sight of a cardboard box half-hidden beneath the bed. Against his better judgement, he approached the bed and knelt to examine the contents of the box.

What he found was a stack of fashion magazines, and a smaller box filled with a variety of cosmetics. There was also a modest selection of nail polish, three half-empty bottles of perfume, and a pair of white gloves fastened at the wrist with a pearl button.

Kuja shoved the box back, hearing heavy footsteps outside the door. He killed his Light spell and teleported back to his own well-lit room, panting with the adrenaline rush of nearly getting caught.

As the rush tapered off, his flustered mind conjurned an image of Exdeath in full regalia.

He never was able to give Sephiroth and Jecht a good excuse as to why he woke them up in the middle of the night with his laughter.