Before we begin, I would firstly like to apologize for the long hiatus between this chapter and the last, and secondly, explain why it's so short. I've decided for the last eight people, to do it one at a time, just so I can upload quicker while focusing on completing one person rather than several. The chapters are smaller but they also go into farther depth with the individual, which I liked the effect of. I hope you enjoy. Try and guess who it is before, and tell me if you got it right.
I never said you all cared for me, that you cared about me. Tina, and possibly a few others might have at one time, but that in the end makes it worse, to have been loved by someone one moment, hated the next. It's a constant heartache, a constant pain that never goes away, can never even be soothed or momentarily forgotten; it's there forever, a hole inside of me that throbs incessantly, a constant reminder of my selfishness, of my failures. I guess that's why, in the end, I dislike them the most.
Not hate, that's left to one of you and one of you alone, and her story has already passed my hand, my peace made. I can never hate the ones that cared for me once, because how can you hate someone you love? My definition of hate is when you simply don't care about someone, that you have neither feelings of negative or positive, someone you feel nothing for. Someone that I wouldn't care if they left my world and never came back. That I cannot say for anyone else in this letter, and that is why it hurts, that's why the hole is there, for everyone who cared and despised, for everyone that broke my heart and left me there.
There is one of you, one person who probably cared the least. Maybe they were too busy with their own problems, God was cruel enough to give them tons, one that I can't even fathom the difficulty of. I guess that will be your excuse when you read this, maybe Artie, you will care when you read this. Be it as it may, I want you to know that in this letter, you hurt me the least of the people left. You, with your impassive eyes and cool disdain; you never led me to the cliff with the promise of protection, then watched me fall. You never lifted me up, healed my wounds, and cast me aside afterwards.
You never scoffed at me, or called me names. You never hurt me in anyway, but you never protected me either. Your silence didn't merely belong with the denigrating behavior of others, but also on the side of the defenders, no matter how fleeting and small that side always was. Perhaps to you, I was a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode and you wanted to steer clear of the detritus left behind, or maybe I was just an oddity, something to amuse, but of course, never engage with. Never interact.
I think in the two years we were in glee club, we had maybe two, three conversations, one of which was a fleeting request of mine for you to help me create that disaster of a film, last year's music video, to which you agreed. You didn't even say anything to me as we processed it together, neither that it was good or bad. If you recognized the glaring mistake, the very thing that would begin the unraveling of my sordid web, the beginning of the end to my dismal tale, you didn't say anything. You didn't warn me, but that wasn't your job, was it? Your job was to process the video and make it work and it truly was a beautiful piece of artistic rendering, maybe I'll watch it one more time tonight; watch my heart break one last time before I go.
Don't think I am blaming you, Artie, I'm not blaming any of you. This is me alone, my last selfish act before I depart; my way of going out with a lasting bang. Maybe a part of me is afraid that you all will forget me, that through these words, I can leave a lasting depression; even if it's only a tiny indent; a half-forgotten name that you will remember as unpleasant but nothing more. If I leave even that much, my goal will have been made; my parting wish recognized. I don't hate you Artie, I already established who I did and why, but I want you to remember me.
I want to know that, in the end, I left something to the impenetrable blockade that was you; that I stirred something inside you, either good or bad. I'll never know of course, not if this letter is in your hand; but maybe I'll see you from where I stand. If I can, please smile for me; when you do it lights up your face. Your quite handsome Artie, and I know that you've had your heart broken, first by Tina, than Brittany, but find happiness. You having amazing talent, use it and conquer Hollywood. Create a playwright no one in their right mind will forget and then direct it and create the soundtrack yourself; it will be amazing.
I don't blame you Artie, but I still feel bitterness, in the deepest of my core, in my heart of hearts, and I part of me despises myself for it. Every time you showed kindness for someone, when you came up with the idea of singing our support to Quinn and Finn, when you stood up for Kurt in the locker room after football practice, I couldn't help but wonder why you didn't for me. When you stood up for all these people, spoke out for the ones whose own voices were failing, did you remain silent for me?
Was I that good of an actress that you honestly didn't know what was going on? Did you not see the way the words, those jarring words that repeat in my head night after night, until I scream myself hoarse so that the pain in my throat may override the one in my heart, until I cry myself to sleep, did you not know those words hurt me? Or did you not care? Was I simply just there to you? Not a lowly animal, but not a human either? Did you hate me and felt I got what I deserved? Or did you simply think that my voice would never fail me, and that I would keep on smiling and laughing and living?
No one lives forever Artie, you for one knows the most on how something can be ripped from you in a moment's notice. A flash of light, a screeching of tires, and everything you have, everything you hold dear can be taken from you. But I'm not going to die in a car crash; my death would never be construed as an accident. Everyone will know what happened, and you are one of the few that will know why; or at least have a glimpse of the reason. I am choosing to take my life, just like you, time and time again, chose not to speak up. I'm not saying you are to blame, no one person is except, possibly, me.
But that doesn't mean what you did was right, either. Like me, you faced ridicule in high school for your disability, and like me, you've felt the sting of social oppression. You knew what it felt like and what it continues to feel like when you are by yourself and those cruel people are long gone, until you drag yourself to school the next day. You knew what it felt like to be hated for something you had no control over, but at the same time, you let someone go through the same thing without the bat of an eye or a twitch of a finger.
You didn't lead me to the cliff or push me off, but you stood there and watched as I fell, and you made no attempt at helping me back up. You need to realize, like Mr. Schuester does, that eyes deceive you. They blur the unpleasant things and sharpen the pleasantries, to create a customized image that fits your whims. You need to learn to see through this, and help people who need it. When you see someone in the hallway being made fun of, do a kindness and intervene. Help these people as much as you ignored me, and you can change the world. Change the lives of many in exchange for the one you let slip through your fingers.
Remember me Artie, in every mean word someone says while no one confronts them, in every shove witnessed and not stopped, in every black eye or bruise someone ignores, and change it. If even an ounce of you cared, even if it's just now, with these words reverberating through your head, you will heed these words. Heed these words and do a kindness. Heed these words and save a life. Goodbye Artie, even if you didn't, I cared.
If you have any suggestions for the next seven (Brittany, Mercedes, Mike, Kurt, Finn, Puck, and Quinn) feel free to tell me, and like I said earlier, I would love to hear who you thought it was before I revealed it was Artie. Please tell me what you thought, I'd greatly appreciate it, thank you. Until next time, then.
