*Cue PIRATES theme music!*

*Audience* Oooh, we know what this means! Epic action sequence! Or... time to space out for around three minutes and contemplate what the exact age difference between you and Johnny is... and what the law is over in France says about underage relationships.

Jack did a whole bunch of technical stunts. He through a chair out the window! He defeated the guards! He got his pastry that was once foreshadowing!

He escaped the palace all by pulling off stunts that only our witty Jackiepoo could. These stunts include hiding under a table to confuse the ultra smart and imperviously strong guards.

*Jack* Mad skillz. I've got 'em.

Finally, Jack spotted his escape. No. Not an legitimate exit because, let's be honest now, that would have been shit boring.

*Jack* Oi, the truth is, I gave up on doors sometime after the third movie. I find it to be much more dangerous. Bitchez love daring rogues.

And with that, Jack was gone. And just in time too. Just as he slid out the window, those witty guards came around the corner. Knowing the tricky Captain's lack of enthusiasm for doors, (word seemed to travel incredibly fast back in the 16th century) they peaked out the window.

This is where our favorite effeminate Captain found himself in a bit of a pickle.

A banner was hung from just below the window and ran across the road to the building on the opposite side. It was an elegant banner because, as you all know, it was fact that London was always blowing money on fanciful banners. But I digress.

*Dipshit audience member* Should we b taking notezz? Wit all dese true faxx, I think I'll skip History 2day :DDD

As Jack held onto the banister for his life, the guard sights feel upon him. The Englishman then revealed his sword from its sheath.

*Indiana Jones fan* Hang on Lady, we going for a ride!

*The rest of the audience* Doesn't get the relevance of that quote.

The banner begins to be hacked at, Jack shakes his head in hopes the guard will have mercy. He doesn't though, but not to fear, witty Jack has a plan; hold on tight and hope to hell the writers don't remember the basic laws of physics. Good thing for old Jack, lady luck was on his side. Her... and writers who assume the Pirates audience is made up of people who desire to see Jack fly through the air. Many, many times.

*Single audience member jumps to feet* YEAH! YOU GO JACK! *begins to cry* you marvelous flying squirrel you...

Ah, and even better for Jack, he is thrown directly into a carriage. This one's got Judie Dench- no. Wait. This is definitely not Judie Dench. Where the hell is she?

*Judie Dench* apparently realized she – an accomplished actress – had been cast in a Pirates movie. She would like to apologize for the last minute notice and inconvenience in having to pull a woman off the streets to take her part.

*Note to Judie Dench* There were no woman on the street nearby. We had to resort to a local advanced treatment for hoarders shelter.

P.S- F you. So hard.

Alright... back to the action!

Jack is thrown into a carriage with a random upper crust lady with an apparent penchant for murderers. And perhaps cats. Many cats. And potato chips. Yeah. A lot of chips. Perhaps also those plastic shoes with the holes. The ones that wearers claim are "so gosh darn comfortable." Yeah, I bet she loves those.

Jack, landing in the seat opposite to her, could only stare to the girl for a long... terrifying... moment.

In realizing a sexy man has just fallen into her carriage, the woman's face lit up with sudden glee.

"Oh my!" she gasped in a ecstatic, high pitched, shriek, "What am I to do? A miraculously handsome rogue! In my carriage! Good lawd, this doesn't happen often."

As he continued to stare, Jack reached out a hand, "I'm terribly sorry, Madam. I was just, er, leaving-"

She suddenly leaned toward him, leaving only a foot to spare, "Isn't this how you highway men do it? Pick on us beautiful young, innocent, virginal, fair, young ladies? Aren't you going to rob me then... take me?" she said, all the while her tongue finding its way across her lips in what must have been an attempt to seduce the pirate.

Jack, being pinned to the back of his seat, gulped before putting that wit of his to use.

"No, please. If I may just make my leave," he cried, leaning as far back as he could, as far away from her face as possible.

She frowned then and slowly backed away from him, "I see. No one ever drops into my carriage planning on staying for long any way... Sure they come by, but it's always the same after a few friendly words," she mumbled looking to the floor.

Jack, the sympathetic soul he is, couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt.

"Alright luv, what exactly is it... you want from me? And if you wouldn't mind making it brief, I've got these men on my-"

"That's what they all tell me, you know!" she cried, "Make it brief, I've got a funeral to go to. I've got to get me cat fitted for his suit! Yeah, he's gonna be in my sister's wedding!" he nodded, pretending very hard to care. "They're handing out free dead rats down the street..." she said in a shrill mocking voice, "I mean free live rats. Who hands out dead rats? That's preposterous! Anyway, I've really got to go... to that rat thing. Yeah," she concluded with hatred in her voice, "I've heard all the excuses."

"Right, well... what is it you want me to do for you? Take your bloody time," he decided to whisper that last part to himself.

At this, she perked back up again, "Yes, I want you... to steal from me!" she added a purely annoying squeak after this grand revelation.

With a wince, Jack accepted the hand that cruel fate had dealt him.

"Alright then," he said with a shrug before leaning closer, "could be worse I s'ppose."

She giggled blissfully as Jack, quickly as possible, snatched an earring from her ear.

The lady continued to laugh to herself as Jack sat back in his chair. At lest one good thing had came of this day, he thought to himself feeling the jewelry in his hand.

Out of curiosity, he glanced to what he held in his hand. He noticed it was a dangling earring that had the phrase "I love Edward Cullen" embedded in a black heart.

At first he was taken back, one thought kept repeating in his mind, until he gathered the nerve to say it aloud.

"The devil," he mumbled in a hushed whisper.

After starring at it for another half second, he realized in regret he wouldn't be able to get a single shilling for it, being it was made of plastic. And didn't exist in the 16th century. So he ate it.

"May I make my leave now?" he asked hopeful.

"Yes!" she squealed bobbing up and down, "Would you like my driver to pull over?"

"No, no, dear. I'd much prefer to jump out of this carriage, climb on top, and sort of leap from moving object to moving object. It's much more daring... and generally would distract the audience from how strange this very scene was."

"Ahh," she said with a nod, "Good luck with that."

"Thankee. So... ta."

Just as he was about the lean out the window and make his escape, she once again, stopped him.

"You'll remember me, won't you?"

Jack glanced to the earring in his grasp, then back to he woman, "Is this authoress trying to make sort of... foreshadowing between you and I? I thought the pastry was a far as that went…"

She only smiles meekly to him, so wide, she looked to be in pain.

With a shrug, Jack left realizing if he stayed for a moment long, things could actually become weirder.

He opened the door and heaved himself upon the roof of the carriage.

*Pirate theme ends now* *Cue Wipe Out*

*Dipshit audience member* Boy, I can't wait to buy this soundtrack. I pre-ordered it!1!

Jack, as revealed by himself only a moment ago, climbs on top of the carriage and jumps from moving object to moving object. The same audience member who loves to see Jack fly through the air has an aneurism at this point, and the rest most likely go back to that previous thought of planning their and Johnny's wedding.

After Jack successfully eludes most of those darn smart English guards, he jumps off of the last carriage he had found his way onto, clinging on to a questionable sign for a tavern.

*Creepy man sitting next to you* hahahahaha. Tits.

After a moment of comic relief, Jack jumps to the ground. But, we see that he is not out of the words yet. He turns after hearing the sound of a gun being cocked.

"Oi," he begins at the sight of the single guard, "the bloody hell did you come from, mate?"

The young man looks up over the barrel of his gun, "They call me Bert Bigmouth McSlowshot. The one English guard that won't be fooled by the gimmicks of a perpetually drunken pirate! The one English guard that isn't a twat! The one English guard that often listens to Susan Boyle, on his off days that is. The one English guard that is ashamed to admit he's cried himself to sleep some nights. Can you imagine the sights someone like I has seen? The utter disgust! Seriously, sometime I get stains that don't come out for-"

At that moment, Bert Bigmouth McSlowshot, was shot.

*The Wipe Out music ends abruptly*

Too relieved to really care who pulled the trigger, Jack almost just turned back the way he came, as if nothing had happened. But, it was then that a figure stepping out of the shadows caught his eye.

There, blowing on his smoking gun was Keith- er I mean, Captain Teague.

"Dad!" exclaimed Jack.

Teague staggered forward clumsily putting away his pistol... and then concealing his gun he had just used to shoot the man.

"Dad...?" said Jack again a bit more apprehensive.

"I tolchoo a hundred timessssboy. Don'choo call… me yer dad!" slurred the pirate staggering towards his son.

Jack frowned, "Well I forgot. I'm sorry."

"Ahhh ne-neverrrrr mine boy. Come on. I needa drank," Jack watched as his father took off, hobbling through the doors of a rowdy pub.

The pirate quickly took off after his father, into the salty tavern, to discuss… the Fountain.

After acquiring the drink both men had thirsted for, they found a table away from the rowdiness of the rest of the pub.

"So, I heard th' rumor, Jackie."

Jack's ears perked, "Aye? Wait... which rumor, exactly?"

"Th' one about the blasted fountain! You remember what I tol'choo about livin' forever... right?"

Jack thought for a second, "You mean about how shit it would be, right?"

"No."

"Oh. Uh, what then?"

Captain Teague sat back in his seat, "Le' me see... it-it's not about livin' forever... it's about... screwing salty wenches forever!"

Jack frowned, "Are you feeling alright, dad?"

Teague lunged toward Jack like a crazed jungle cat, "Don't choo call me that, boiii!" he said in more of a low growl than anything else.

Jack raised his hands, "I'm sorry, I forgot again!"

Teague dat back in his chair, seeming to be drained from his burst of energy, "Boy, we mus' keep in canon. I- I hate you. I may n'ver give a reason but I don't need to. I wonder if s'even possible for a father to detest his son the way I des... desi... Desi Arnaz... desi-spise... despise you."

Jack frowned, "If you don't like me so much, why did you save me today? How did you even know where I was?"

"Sea turtles, mate," said the old man with a shrug.

"Yeah, we've sort of already used that line to death," Jack said with out barley letting his father complete his sentence.

*Writers* we're sorry, we didn't know that comedy gold had an expiration date.

*Jack* it wouldn't if we didn't use a hundred bloody times!

Teague shook his head," Oh, no, no, no, son! I was just tellin' the waitress what I was to be haven to eat."

Jack turned to see a modernized waitress standing next to him with a pad of paper.

"So, you'd like the Sea Turtles that have been literally beaten to death?"

Taegue nodded with a smirk, That's be it, tootz."

The waitress left with an annoyed sigh.

Jack looked back to his father, "Shitty service. Okay. Back to the thing. How did you know I'd be here?"

Teague thought for a long moment before thrusting a finger in the air, "... narwhals, comprendé?"

"Is this over yet?" asked Jack praying the dragged out scene would just end.

*Audience* So no one is enjoying this scene? Should have freaking saw Thor...

*Thor* These pirates swashbucklers are no match for my mighty hammer!

"Wait, le'me jus' leave you with this thought right 'ere; the fountain will test you," stated Teague, finally deciding to make a point that is relevant to the movie.

Jack, then becoming interested for the first time since they sat down had an array of questions, "Test me? How do you know? You've been there haven't you! That's the reason you won't bloody die..."

"Shut up ye 'alf wit! I ain't n'ver been there. Bleedin' Christ. The fountain will test choo in sooooo many- I mean like at least three different ways. Three really, bloody hard ways."

"And," said Jack hoping he would continue for once, "those ways are...?"

"Narwhals... comprendé? A grouping of them, saddled like Arabian horses...

"That seriously doesn't make a lick of sense."

"You're right," admitted the Keeper of the Code, "too wordy."

Just then, Jack was reminded of what he had shoved hastily in his mouth a few minutes before hand. And, also just then, the authoress regretted the wording of that sentence.

Teague's expression remained unchanged as he looked to its glossy surface presented on the table.

"I'm not certain, but I believe this is connected to the fountain. What have you heard of what some call, "the Diablo's pleasure...?"

Jack locked eye contact with his father as Teague casually took a sip of his drink, "I don't know what you're talking about, those books were bloody brilliant," he stated rather quickly, just loud enough for his son to hear.

Jack gaped to his dad, "Are you... joking me. There's no way. You read those things?"

"Hey!" exclaimed the pirate hushing Jack, "We all 'ave our regrets'n life. I was young. Somet'ing bout those books... really captured me. Ye know wha I mean?"

"This is bloody ridiculous!" yelled Jack in frustration, "You appear to be all knowing, what with your curious entrances and strange disappearing acts in the middle of conversations. It's like you're a bloody witch! Yet, through all these years, the best advice you've given me is when you hang the sign that says, "when the cabin's a rockin, don't come a knockin," don't enter your cabin."

Teague made a weak smirk, "Right. That's golden advice there Jackie."

"Doesn't matter," Jack said reaching for his drink, "the point is, throughout all of our random meetings, your cryptic messages leave me more confused than..." as Jack looked up he realized that he was talking to an empty chair, and that his father had vanished.

"YOU BLOODY WITCH!" Jack cried standing up getting more than a couple of glances, "I swear on me beloved Pearl that this is WITCHCRAFT!"

"Wut are ye goin on about now Jackie?" questioned Teague as he appeared from underneath the table and made his way back to where he was sitting.

"Oh, dad?" questioned Jack taking his seat once more, "Where- what were you doing under there?"

"Dropped me bloody keys," he laughed under his breath, "wha would I do wit'out them? Anyways, what were you saying?"

Jack starred at him blankly, "I wasn't saying anything da- I mean Teague."

"Nothing? So... can I go now? You don mine do ye? I got this thing I shou'd be gettin' to..."

"No. Just leave. I should be getting to other tasks as well," said Jack beginning to search the room for signs of a man recruiting sailors.

"Actually, if you don't mind telling me what I would be needing exactly to fine the Fount-" Jack glanced back to where his father had been sitting to only see an empty chair.

He casually looked back to he crowd around the tavern, "I ain't even bothered," he said before another sip of grog.