Day 3
Bold=thought
Italic = song
A part of me wondered why I had forgotten such a memory. But I think I know why that particular memory had been pushed back to a corner of my mind...I think the reason had been my mothers cruel words that had overwritten anything nice she had ever said to me. I think in my own self preservation I had locked everything away, the good and the bad...
I never wanted to become a burden, not to the person who had given birth to me. I didn`t want her to think I was useless. So I strived to be what she had wanted me to be, she always said it was my fault but despite her words I did my best to look strong and put on my bravest face. And yet I crumbled because I wasn't strong. And the more I tried to hide such a though, the more ashamed I felt; the more I began to hate myself. Because the thing I was most afraid of, the thought that scared me the most, was that my very own mother would reject me. That I would be hated by someone I loved the most.
(He was already rejected by his mother-recap chapter 3?-, but she never rejected him with her words.)
I felt ashamed, and yet I waited...
Waited, for her to crouch down to my level and hold onto my small frame. I wanted her to wipe my tears with her thumb and protectively tell me,
"This is not your fault. It's okay"
But what was already to much to ask for. She had taken me in, when no one else had wanted me. How could I even fathom to ask for something more. When all I did, was bring her so much sadness. And yet even if once, I wanted her...
To lie to me. If only once...
Because a mothers comforting words strengthen the heart, they are the source of courage.
And yet I strived to get through it all by myself, without a mothers comfort. I forced myself to find the good things in me, that everyone else seemed to see. Those qualities that everyone had. And the more I looked...the lonelier I got. How could I? Encouragement doesn´t work that way, no, not when your lead to believe...
You´re a monster.
But when someone says they like you,
I love you little brother.
For the first time...then you can begin to like yourself a bit more. Because when someone else begins to accept the person beneath the surface, for the first time, you feel like you can forgive yourself just a little.
I stood before a mirror now, and began to wonder if my mother had found happiness.
Now that I wasn't there...
...(silence)
I looked at myself now, after so long. The broken image of my former self stood before me, staring back. For so long I had prayed for a savior, just like in those fairy tales. Sorta like a prince that would take me away. Sadly, no one came. For many years It felt as if I were dreaming.I remembered being so scared, and my pleas, my screams which echoed through the place I had called home only did one thing, they returned back from where they started. Me. But no one ever listened, since no one else cared.
And after my dreaming I awoke with this fear... Maybe this was the cause of my insomnia.
Ever so slowly I removed my shirt until my tight gasp let go, and the smooth material escaped from my fingertips almost as if it had been water. Leaving me to look at my body.
First, my pale skin which never touched the rays of the sun shone with a beauty I had never seen before.
Second, a flawless smooth chest that contained no scars what-so-ever
Third, the curvature that was my upper body which still confused me. Those were the things reflected from the object that never told lies…..that damn mirror.
This person was really me, the real me. Just staring back...
When I was younger, I could only stand to glance at my face. It hurt to much to see a reflection of a monster. I keep saiying monster. I know. But it's so egraved in here(head) that it had become a truth for me.
This was not the person I wanted to be…and so I became someone else
When I pretend everything is what I want it to be. I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see,
When I pretend, I can forget about the criminal I am. Stealing second after second just cause I know I can but, I can't pretend this is the way it'll stay I'm just (trying to bend the truth).
I couldn't take it anymore and I found myself turning around. I hadn't seen myself yet, because in my mind there was a constant battle. I wasn't ready to admit that she had really done this to me.
I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be
I remember what they taught me. Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be. Remember listening to all of that and this again. So I pretended up a person who was fittin' in
And now you think this person really is me and I'm (Trying to bend the truth).But the more I push the more I'm pulling away.
I'm lying my way from you
I didn't instantly turn around for the reason that I was afraid. Because it wouldn't accomplish anything, except that I was truly the monster I was accused of being.
This isn't what I wanted to be…No turning back now (I wanna be pushed aside so let me go). No turning back now (Let me take back my life I'd rather be all alone). No turning back now (Anywhere on my own cause I can see). No turning back now
The very worst part of you…..
….the very worst part of you
…was me
I was looking at my back now. And it seemed like every scar had healed, but every memory that each stood for where still . The fault was my own, I think
"Go-Chan, I do this because I love you... don't worry you'll always remember me this way, right Go-chan? Look Go-chan the pretty crimson color suits you well. Go-chan, you haven't spoken in days, did I break you?"
I was still searching, searching for a love. No for her love, I don´t think I was...But thinking back on everything, I once again believed that I was lying to myself. But right now that biggest thing in my life, was the courage to accept myself.
The courage to prove my mother wrong...
Because no matter how much of a saiyan I was pointed out to be, my capacity to cry made my human side precious to me.
Despite the every insult that was engraved in me, every fake expectation, every unhealed scar was a part of me. Because no matter how much I bended the truth, this(his back), would always be there. As a reminder.
The reason why I was never comfortable exposing my back. Because I knew that people would look at me and call me a victim.
Something that would make me feel like the biggest liar in the world.
"(Baby Talk)"
I was instantly snapped out of my mind realizing that the baby was in front of me. Cooing and intently looking at my back. She kept talking of-course, probably lecturing me.
I instantly picked her up.
Really, I commented, of course I had no idea what she was talking about, but whatever it was seemed to be pretty interesting, her little talks continued
"Papa" I interrupted
She looked at me and giggled, quickly forgetting to lecture me
"Papa" I continued
"Ba(insert spit bubbles)"
I laughed at her cute attempt
Suddenly an envelope fell….I picked it up 'To Bra, from Vegeta' a shiver ran down my spine wondering what in the hell had possessed a True blooded saiyan to send his baby daughter who couldn't read, a card,
But non-the-less I opened it.
"I got a pocket" I threw it on the floor. Wondering how such a thing existed
Bra giggled at my squeamish antics
Once again I picked it up….."I got a pocket full of sunshine" it continued to sing, suddenly I picked up the young child and danced with her as I sang with the song. It was probably Bulma who had sent the card as a joke and had decided to place Vegeta's name on. Only Logical explanation, right?
"Take me away, a secret place, a sweet escape…take me away, to a better day. I got a pocket full of sunshine….." how she giggled
I quickly jumped on the bed with her still in my arms
"There's a place that I go that nobody knows. Where the river flows and I call it home. And nobody cries, there's only butterflies"
Okay. So I had seen that movie that other day. You know which one….Something... A. I thought it was going to suck but it didn't. Had he(Vegeta who was probably forced by Bulma) seen it aswell? Or maybe he had already seen it…My cheeks changed to a different hue. I felt embarrassed for Vegeta. I mean can you picture a prince with big muscles submitting to a human woman….yeah me neither
"You should put on some pants"
Goten's eyes opened wide, "Bra-Chan you spoke, and you told me to wear pants! I would have been happy with Papa, but you sure are a Brief's child" he squealed
"No idiot, turn around"
Wait a minute. DAMN IT! I did it again. I put on my shirt-Thank God- and took of my pants(I tend to zone out sometimes, and being caught, I wasn´t ready to expose my back). I hate when that happens…however before any thoughts on why it happened a pain hit the pit of my stomach, recently it has been happening more frequently. But this one hurt so much….
"CHIBI!" I looked at him and gave him a reassuring smile. Sweat started to form and my breath was rugged. Bra noticed it and started crying, she never cried unless something was horribly wrong. And when I looked from the corner of my eyes I noticed a quick flash of yellow.
I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. I didn´t want him to worry and in a way it was awkward having him worry about me...
"Psych! Trunks you're such a dork!" I laughed, he gently punched my arm, while I tended to a crying Bra. This always happens, a pain that hit's the pit of my stomach. I've had them as soon as I turned 15 but they were never this bad…
"Hey, Trunks, I'm hungry" The great almighty Prince smile's
"Of-course you would be. I have to leave soon" I pouted, no food for me. But I wanted him out of the room…I couldn't take the pain
"Oh, and my friend Pan is here. Why don't you hang out with her. I have to go change"
Trunks quickly left, however his thoughts were far from calm. He was sure that Goten, in a span of a second, had turned into a super saiyan. However his (Goten) Ki was far from stable
"Hi?"
Instantly I could see why they were friends. Her tiny waist, her plump breast, perfect thigh's and a beautiful smile to match
"Come in" I told her
But something about her seemed sincere, or maybe it was a part of me that wanted her to be…Maybe it was because this was the first time that I had realized…I never had friends. Trunks didn't count. Since he would one day become a family man. A man that would fill his heart with his family, leaving no room for me.
She looked at me, almost as if she were memorizing my body. Up and down her eyes wondered but I didn't care. But deep down inside I knew why she was so important. The reason they were always together while I tried to give him space. Her body was the type he always brought home…
"Goten what do you do for fun?" she asked
"…for fun?….I….oh I know, meditate " I smiled
She looked at me, with her provocative body,
"I can tell, all I've ever seen you do is take care of that thing(pointing to Bra)"
I looked down, and Bra's Light blue eyes looked up at me.
"Ba..ba" she said(Baby)
"BABA"
"Baba" The baby repeated over and over, until finally it rolled of her tongue smoothly. I think I almost cried, but instead I held onto her tiny frame jumped out the bed and ran through the mansion trying to show Trunks. Of-course Pan ran right after me.
"TRUNKS!" I yelled
Poor guy ran out the room in just his pants, a worried expression danced across his face. Once seeing my calm face he exhaled the breath that he himself didn't know he was holding
"Chibi, what's wrong?" he kindly asked
I didn't respond because I looked down at the baby and she looked up at me
"Come on, show Trunks?" I cooed
"Baba"
Trunks instantly dropped his shirt and ran towards me, instantly he grabbed my waist, his rough hand slowly ridded up, and as he felt the wave of my waist I….I didn't know what to feel. Maybe it was my admiration for him that made my heart beat so loud. Maybe it was our close friendship. But I didn't want to think about it because he had picked me up and soon our laughter and happiness resonated trough the halls of his mansion. When I looked over to Pan her eyes looked teary, almost as if she were about to cry….Still in his arms I couldn't help but feel pity for her in some way. I backed away from the warmth that Trunks was emitting
"You could join us you know"
She just looked at me, almost as if I were crazy. And just for approval I looked up a Trunks and all I received from him was a smile. She, however didn't move.
Her expression quickly change, the murder in her eyes quickly disappeared only to be replaced by a smile.
"No thank you"
Once again we were by ourselves
"Are you also going to the party?" Pan asked
"Party?" I questioned
"Yeah, I bet Trunks has never taken you to one, let alone let you go. He sees what he want's to. Consumed with your good girl act. Your broken" she mocked
She circled me like a hawk
"Are you ready Pan, let's go. Were going to be late. Oh and Chibi I gave Bra to grandma, in case you wanted to see your brother." he stated
Pan smiled "Trunks, go ahead I'll meet you their. I want to tell him something real quick?"
"Suit yourself, I'll wait for you in the car" and left
"Now Goten, why don't we go to the party…as my friend. And surprise Trunks…..But why don't we go to the one tomorrow. It's going to be more elegant than this one. Would you go with me then?" she cooed
"Really you're willing to take me?"
"Of-course. But first we need to buy you clothes. I'll bring them tomorrow"
….5:00am
Damn it I can't sleep. It's been happening a-lot lately, more frequently, actually. Night's like this scare me. It has a feel to it almost like a paralyzed silence, surfacing the familiar breath's of my own lies. Once again I was left alone to face the memories of the ugly boy
I shivered.
Had it always been this cold….
"Trunks?" I whispered
"Hmmm" he responded
"My room is really cold. Can I sleep here tonight?"
"Why am I so stifled?" Trunks thought to himself. Trying to move his left arm he realized that it was caught, stuck against something. He didn´t want to use unnecessary force so instead he looked for the source.
"Goten?" he thought
"Why is he here?" (A guy who remembers nothing about what happens during sleep)
"On top of that he's clinging to me so closely.…Making me a tad unpleasant" he whispers
For me sex and sharing a bed are two different things. Even if it's someone I just had sex with, I refuse to share my bed, if I can help it. There were even a few times when I woke up next to someone feeling disgusted, by their odor.
…." And despite you clinging to me Goten, you look extremely happy….why?"
After an hour I didn't have the heart to wake him up. That is until he began to stir
"Trunks?" he spoke
And with those eyes, he looked at me. Blushing. I think this is the first time he's seen me naked…..I mean I do sleep in the nude….After avoiding my eyes he looks up at me once again
"Trunks….thank you. I had a good night's sleep.….It was a sweet sleep." he smiles
"Hey listen Goten. I'm in the habit of sleeping by myself and I don't welcome the thought of having someone sleeping next to me." I scolded
AWKWARD SILENCE
"Remember that" I told him once again
"Okay, sorry" he said while rubbing his head, the family trait of the Son family
Sometimes I wonder why I become so heated up whenever I see him? I think there's a part of me that want's to tease him, and enjoys seeing his embarrassed face
BUT…
I've developed a very unpleasant feeling. A bewitching face that I'm falling for and it's making me lose my mind. A face that somehow gives me the CHILLS. You (Goten) have an air that attracts people to you. An air that I can smell clearly. It draws me to you, and sometimes, I find my so called blood going somewhere I don't want it to. Especially in those moments when I see you laughing at the silliest things, but at times when I look into your eyes, they become hard to read.
DAMN….
Another day has gone by.
Today I was offered a job as a model/ movie star. Something about my good looks and well tones/sexy body I told them that I would think about it. However there is a part of me that is getting tired. Tiered of the life that I live. A moment in my life where sex is just a thing to do. Nothing stirs me, nothing makes my heart beat with passion. Sex to me is just a chore, it doesn't return anything to me, it doesn't give me any pleasure.
Maybe with this job opportunity, something might change.
Suddenly an aroma infiltrates my nose again, and that feeling that I had been looking for had suddenly found me. To the point that something in me awakens
My hands travel up and down in an eager manner almost excited
"Hmmm" where the noises emitted
…..my hands were tangled in a mess of soft hair
…..those pleasant hard shoulders that allowed me to press the body closer to mine…..and suddenly I found myself kissing someone, lips that sent electricity through my body
"Wait Hard?"
Quickly I opened my eyes realizing that Goten had once again snuck into my room, our lips clearly locked together, his eyes were open. But he didn't think anything about it, typical, his naïve-ness is starting to piss me off….
"Goten?" I question
He looks at me and smiles
"Trunks you haven't done that in a while. Remember you did that once...you said it healed. I was such a cry baby once we lived toge-" you giggled at me, realizing that such a flash-back was uncalled for...
As soon as you turned 13 I stopped any emotion from surfacing. Nothing… there could never be anything between us. I desire you, because your something I can't have. That must be why my body yearns for you. Yes, that must be it. And yet I found myself kissing you again
"Hmmm" were your moans
"Trunks. What are you doing?" you panicked
But I didn't care, because your smell was driving me crazy.
"Ah" you moaned
I found your sweet spot. The little area behind your ear and neck. Your moans were driving me over the edge, to the point that I couldn't recognize myself anymore. Almost as if instincts were taking over.
"Trunks" you moaned my name
Suddenly I found myself removing your shirt, trailing kisses down your body, finding my way down your long neck, I bit into it. Your Adam's apple. Achieving what I wanted, that arch in your body.
"Trunks, please stop" you whimpered but I muffled any noise by kissing you, to the point that I drew blood. I was hungry for you….
"Goten?" What had I almost done. I almost raped…..I quickly moved away from you….
"Trunks? Why are you okay"
"I'm sorry" Was all I said. But no matter how much I apologized the pain in your eyes will be forever engraved in my mind.
"I'm sorr-" but before I could finish you kissed me. And I responded
"Yes, a 'magic spell' you would say when I was scared…..although you never really told me it's meaning "
"It has no value, it's just a magic spell, Goten, a spell that heals. " you gently smile at me. I don't know what had come over me, but it was that scent that unlocked something within me. Something ancient had surfaced. Your body was shacking, were you afraid of me now? Ah I get it now, the reason for your small talk, the reason you kissed me. You were protecting me by hiding the fear withing you
I didn't want to be here anymore, so I got up and simply walked away without looking back at you. I heard you scream, pleading with me to explain what it was that YOU had done wrong.
Of-course you would. You're like a child.
It wasn't your fault….it was mine because my heart has been tickled. Sometimes it grows restless for no reason. Sometimes the warmth of your body on my bare skin becomes pleasure. And at times, I become childish and irritable. But…but you know. This kind of emotion. This feeling I have for you can be probably be defined by a single word. The price my temporary caprice would have to pay.
To put a name to this kind of emotion…
….is much to high.
Stuff that didn't belong to me but were used:
Lying from you, by Linking park
Fruits Basket
Some parts in Trunks speech can be found: In, 's manga Not so Bad
Special Thanks:
Inuokamilove16
Zoey Cruise
NiceNipps
Supersaiyan2479
Author Note: Woot another chapter. Sorry for the long wait. I have been super busy. I had been working from 5am-5pm….thank god I had started this a while back, but hadn't finished, because this chapter had taken many paths and this one had won. But I did make it longer…..I hope I can update soon. Sorry once again. And now that my job is done, I have summer school. Once again sorry, I'll try to update soon! Did you love it? Hate it? Let me know.
Thank you for taking the time in reading this.
Edited(6-1-2012)
