"I don't get it, Alicia, what is it that you want from me?"
And there is only one answer to that question, Alicia fidgets and looks down "You", she whispers, "I want you".
There is a moment silence and when Alicia gathers up the courage to look up at Kalinda she looks like a deer caught in the headlights. She is searching for an escape route and when none is found, she points at Alicia "You? Want me?" and now she points at herself, as if she can't comprehend the idea with only words and needs to solidify it.
Alicia almost takes pity on her, she looks so lost, she almost tells her that she didn't mean it, that she's hurt and drunk and shouldn't be taken seriously, almost. But she is tired of the hiding and pretending and she can't go on like this, she can't. So instead, she just nods quietly.
Kalinda begins to stutter "I… Alicia, do you…", but before she has a chance to finish, or actually even to start, Alicia's phone starts to beep and she holds it up and laughs bitterly, "Saved by the bell. It's Grace, she needs me to come and get her", she sees something flickers in Kalinda's eyes, but she's not quite sure what it is, maybe relief. There is no reason for her to stay, and she might as well save Kalinda the burden of answering. "I gotta go, see you Monday", polite as ever, she can't just storm away like she would've wanted.
Kalinda doesn't make the slightest gesture to stop her, so she leaves her to stand there, as miserable as she has ever been. Kalinda stays like this and Alicia is long gone when she is finally out of her trance, she doesn't hear her when she says barely audible "I want you too".
Alicia spent the weekend alternating between feeling stupid for what she said to feeling strangely calm, now that all is out in the open. A part of her regretted the decision to leave before Kalinda had a chance to speak, and another thought it was for the best, and judging by her look nothing kalinda would've said could make her feel better.
Her heart hoped that kalinda would show up on her doorstep like in the movies. The rational part of her, her lawyer's mind knew that she wouldn't. That even before her breakdown on Friday it was a long shot, that Kalinda wasn't interested in her in the first place, let alone now, she didn't see her like this, only as a friend.
She could even understand her, she remembered the girl from Kalinda's apartment, remembered all the guys, it wasn't a difficult choice to make, it wasn't a fair battle, she against all those young and beautiful people. It didn't make the pang in her heart hurt any less.
On Monday, the lack of sleep is showing on her face, even through her layer of make-up. She is ready to drown herself in work and the usual week chaos to keep her thoughts from wondering. Unfortunately, the object she wishes to keep out of her mind is an integral part of the week's schedule, starting with the stuff meeting she is heading to.
She fears the moment she'll have to face Kalinda. She pictures Kalinda laughing at Alicia falling for her, thinking it could be, worse, pitying her, because if there is something Alicia learned to hate during the last couple of years is people taking pity of her, it'll be worse coming from Kalinda.
So she refuses to make eye contact at the meeting, sitting as far from Kalinda as she can, but she can still feel her eyes bore into her, searching for hers, trying to convey a message, She can feel Kalinda's stare like it is fire burning into her. She ignores her, at least she tries to, in the end though, she sneaks a glance but of course, Kalinda is looking at her and their eyes lock for a second before she breaks the stare.
When the meeting is over, Alicia hurries to the safety of her office, she closes the door behind her, and takes a deep breath. It was not supposed to happen like this, she shouldn't have found herself at this situation, Kalinda was never meant to find out, and she could have go on and live her life in denial.
Now though, she is here, Kalinda does know, and her life seems to be upside down. She lets out a big sigh and goes to sit at her desk. The moment she sits down Kalinda enters the office and waves at her "Hi", she says softly.
"Hey", she still doesn't meet Kalinda's eyes.
"You look tired", and she sounds worried, and a little tired herself. But Alicia can't handle this now, she can't do this with Kalinda, she can't pretend that everything between them is normal. She knows that she promised herself that she wouldn't let her feelings come between them, but that was before. Now, she can't see any other option but to push Kalinda out of her life, again, like she did before, and so so different.
"No, Kalinda, don't", she says and she can see her flinches, and she knows why. Kalinda remembers that talk, exactly as she does, and the similarity of the words is striking, even if Alicia didn't mean it. Kalinda is ready for the blow, and sure enough, it comes.
"I can't be friend with you, I'm sorry", Alicia struggles to keep her voice steady, "I know it's not fair, but I just can't", her voice breaks a little, "I wish I could, I hope someday I will, but right now…", she lets the end of the sentence to hang in the air.
"Alicia, I…", and Kalinda still seems lost, just like she did Friday night.
Alicia raises her hand "No, just…, Don't, it's not enough for me, I can't be just your friend, I want more…", she fights her tears by now, but she hopes it doesn't show. "It's all or nothing for me now", she turns so she doesn't have to face Kalinda. "Since I can't have all, I'll take nothing", and now there are tears spilling on her cheeks, silent tears Kalinda can't see.
She can feel Kalinda approaching her, and she backs away, without turning around. No one says anything and all she can hear is Kalinda's breath and her own heart beating. It seems Kalinda doesn't want to leave, but she doesn't speak either, and Alicia exhausted all her energy and is in no condition to say anything, let alone to tell her to leave, so they stay in this limbo for quite some time. In the end though, she hears the door opens and then closes and she know that she is alone.
The days go by slowly; she invests herself in her cases and in her children and keeps busy. To Kalinda's credit, she respects Alicia's request and she hardly sees her, since it happens with no trouble on her part she suspects Kalinda does put an effort to make sure she sees her as little as possible. It only makes her feel worse.
She knows she's a masochist, yet some days she tries to track down Kalinda, to catch a glimpse of her in the office, or in one of the conferences rooms. She's rarely successful, Kalinda is doing a pretty good job avoiding her, but when she does, she can't help but notice the sadness in her eyes and she can't help but wonder if she made the right call.
There are days she just wants to go to her and tell her to forget everything and that they should be friends again, she misses her badly. She knows, however, that life isn't that simple, that you can't just forget on commend. And she hopes that in the end the distance will be good for her, because right now it isn't the case. The alternative, though, doesn't seem appealing as well.
It's been more than a month since she last talked with Kalinda, even on work related stuff she's been communicating with her through messengers or notes. It doesn't seem to do any good, and she wonders if time does heal all the wounds, and if so, how much time will it take.
One day, Kalinda rushes through the corridor by her office as fast as can, it doesn't surprise Alicia since it's been her usual routine, however she is surprised when Kalinda turns back on her heels and enters her office.
"It doesn't work", she blurts.
Alicia is a little taken aback that Kalinda decided to talk with her suddenly, without any apparent reason, after months of avoidance, and Kalinda's words don't make any sense.
"What doesn't work?", she asks.
Kalinda sighs and slumps on a chair "You, you were supposed to be happy".
"In the risk of repeating myself, what?", Alicia feels like she is taking part in a conversation that started without her.
Kalinda looks directly at her "What do you see in me?"
Alicia is getting angry, "Are you here to make fun of me?"
Kalinda winces "You just don't get it", and she looks like she just realized something, "you think I don't want you, don't you?"
"You don't" Alicia says as a matter of fact, "You made that pretty clear".
Kalinda laugh bitterly "You know what I hate?", she doesn't let Alicia answer "All these glass walls, it's the only reason I didn't just kissed you that day".
Alicia can't believe what she is hearing, all those months when she thought Kalinda is oblivious to her, that she is alone in her feelings, and after, when she thought how ridiculous she must seen to Kalinda, and now this…
"Then why? Why didn't you say anything?", she is torn between anger and hope.
"At first I thought you were merely drunk and that you'll regret that kiss the next morning, I didn't want to lose you so I just wrote it off and hoped we can forget it" she starts to explain, "It didn't even crossed my mind that it was more than a drunken mistake for you".
Alicia is confused, it still doesn't make any sense "and that Friday night, at the bar, and all this time?", she can't believe Kalinda let her feel this way, when all she had to do was say a few words.
"You took me by surprise, and then Grace called, and you were gone and I realized just how wrong I am for you. I hoped you'd come to your senses by Monday and we wouldn't have to talk about it again", she looks so small suddenly, almost vulnerable.
"My senses?", she really can't track Kalinda's train of thoughts, she can't understand her way of thinking.
"If you'd have any survival instinct you would have. You didn't though, but you left me a way out, I figured I could do as you said, Just stay away from you. I was to blame, and you could be happy with someone else, someone who deserves you. It didn't work, though", she gestures around, "So now, this".
Alicia is really furious now, "you are kidding, right? What are you doing here?"
Kalinda takes a deep breath, "Trying to make you see clearly".
"Oh, I don't think I'm the one who has trouble in that aspect", she spits.
"You do, you don't see how utterly wrong I am for you".
"Look, I don't need excuses, and I certainly don't need you to tell me what's right for me", she gets up and starts to pace.
"I'm not making excuses, it was so hard to stay away…" Alicia cuts her off "Then why, why not give it a shot? Why come here at all?", she is losing her patience.
"I'll hurt you, I don't know how to do relationship, I just…", Kalinda tries to explain but is left without words.
"Just what?", Alicia demands, she's done being passive, she is going to get her answers, and she is going to get them now.
Kalinda looks defeated, "just not what you need".
"You know, I'm tired of people telling me what I need and what I don't, what I should and shouldn't do, trying to shield me from the world, I'm not some precious little thing, I'm not gonna break", she sits down as she says it, too exhausted to keep standing.
"You are precious" Kalinda whispers that, and as angry as she is that this is what Kalinda picked up from all she had to say, she can't help but smile when she hears her say it.
"You missed the point", she tells her.
"No, I didn't, the point is I'll hurt you", she keeps giving reasons why this is a bad idea, but she sounds less and less convinced herself.
"You are hurting me now", Alicia points out.
That seems to get to Kalinda "I don't want to", and her eyes shine with unshed tears.
Alicia decides that a change of tactic is in order, instead of throwing out accusations she tries to speak to Kalinda's heart. "I'm not asking you to be someone you're not, I'm not asking you for promises you can't keep, I'm only asking that you'll give it a chance. I don't want forever, we can start with tomorrow ", she smiles encouragingly at Kalinda.
Kalinda doesn't react, but Alicia takes it as a good sign, as least she doesn't argue anymore, so she continues, "It's a risk, but all good things are, you can't expect to gain something if you are not willing to lose something first". Kalinda, even in her fragile state raises a brow at that, Alicia laugh briefly, "Yeah, it's a cliché , I know, doesn't make it any less true".
She's now approaching Kalinda "besides, I don't think we get anything left to lose, no?", she puts her hand on Kalinda's shoulder and squeezes.
Kalinda puts her own hand on Alicia's, takes it and looks at her fingers, "I do hate all this glass", she says.
A/N - Well, this is it for now, though I might write an epilogue sometime in the future.
