Chapter 9

Heero was dead. Dead, dead, dead.

He'd been dead two months now, and the pain was tearing me apart. Gods, it shouldn't hurt this much. I thought that the sorrow and the hurt was supposed to abate as time went on. For me, it just kept getting worse and worse and I think that someday I was going to shoot myself to make the pain go away.

He was dead. Self-destructed.

I went through my days like a zombie, and I know the guys were worried, beyond worried, actually, and progressing to panicked, but it couldn't seem to reach the hard ball of pain in my gut that I couldn't get to loosen, no matter what.

I hadn't seen Other Duo since the…news, and I was a little afraid of the implications of that.

Trowa had been gone a lot, and Quatre and Wufei kept giving me these sad looks that just about tore me apart. Every look was a reminder. A reminder of Heero's death. And they were eroding my tattered edges of control.

So I threw myself into missions, because I had the sinking feeling that if I didn't hurry, I'd be dead before the war was over, and I'd sworn to win the war, for revenge.

"Duo?" Trowa touched my shoulder gently. "Duo, I think there's something you need to know."

I turned numbly. "Yes?" I made myself ask.

"It's about Heero."

Heero. Another shudder of pain wracked my body before I could stop it. "What about him?" I rasped.

"He's alive."

I shook my head at him, mouth opening and closing, and he said again, "Heero's alive."

"NO!" I threw a wild blow that he blocked easily, "Don't lie to me! Don't! Heero's dead! He's dead!"

"He's alive, Duo," he said implacably, over and over again.

Slowly, I found myself believing, no matter how hard I tried to stop it, and my shoulders drooped, defeated.

I pleaded almost hopelessly, "Tell me that it's true. Tell me you aren't lying. Because if he really is dead…" I couldn't take it again.

"It's true. I'm not lying. He's alive."

I grabbed hold of his shoulders, holding so tightly I was probably leaving behind finger-shaped bruises, and ground out, "Take me to him. Now."

"All right," he said, speaking slowly, and softly, like I was one of those wild animals he tames so easily. Still, I was skittish, and watched him carefully the whole way out of the hangar, trying to detect a hint of a lie in his face, in his movements. I found nothing to indicate anything of that sort, and bit by bit, allowed myself to hope.

We stepped out into the sun, and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. At first I thought he was a ghost, or a hallucination, and didn't look closer. I didn't want to see him disappear.

"Duo?" Do ghosts speak? My hallucinations didn't. I looked to Trowa, and saw that he was staring at him, same as me.

Before I could stop it, my treacherous mouth opened and whispered, "Heero?"

I don't know how he heard it, it was so quiet, but he opened his arms in that universal gesture for a hug, and I let my body decide how to answer it because my mind was on an overload, pulling in so many separate ways it was totally incapacitated.

I hit Heero so hard with my hug he staggered backwards at least four or five steps, and my brain informed me, Real. Real. Real. Not air. Real.

Once I truly registered that, I huddled into him, shaking, and his arms enclosed me in an embrace so hard I couldn't refute his solidity. His realness.

I couldn't stop shaking. Dimly, I heard him say, "Duo, what happened to you?"

I was also vaguely aware of a scalding heat on my cheeks, and I rubbed my face into his tank top furiously.

"You're alive…" I murmured.

He's alive, he's alive, he's alive. Heero's alive alive alive alive. He's not dead. He didn't die two months ago.

After that, I guess I kind of fainted; I guess my brain decided that it was having way too many conflicting messages and just shut down. I wanted to hug him and deck him and yell at him and kiss him, I mean, kick him, and talk to him and sleep next to him and…

I kind of recall Heero hoisting me up into his arms, and muttering something about how much weight I'd lost.

Then I felt myself being lowered onto a bed, and I clung to Heero, not wanting him to leave, because I knew if I woke up and he wasn't there…that would be bad. Very bad.

He settled next to me, and I tried to burrow myself into him. For the first time in two months, I slept without nightmares.

I floated into consciousness, rather than woke up, and felt so warm and safe and happy like I hadn't since…since sometime. Two months ago. I couldn't quite remember why though.

Trowa and Quatre and Wufei were there. I heard Heero's voice. Heero. There was some reason he wasn't supposed to be here. I couldn't really figure it out right now, so instead, I just listened to them.

"How the hell did he lose twenty pounds? What the hell happened to him? He wasn't hurt was he?" Funny, that's the first time I think I've heard Heero swear.

Trowa just sounded kind of tired, as opposed to Heero's rage. "He hasn't slept the night through for two months, Heero."

"WHAT?" Heero exploded.

Quatre hissed, "Heero! Duo's asleep!"

He quieted instantly.

"Why hasn't he been sleeping?"

"Nightmares," Wufei said succinctly.

I thought I should be angry that they were discussing me like this but couldn't quite muster up the effort. Oh yeah, nightmares. There was something about those nightmares, though…

"Nightmares to wake the dead. He shrieked himself hoarse, and then gave up sleeping altogether," Wufei said. Was that a sad tone I heard?

"Why didn't you make him sleep?" Heero asked, still angry.

"And sentence him to watching you die night after night? We couldn't do that to him," Wufei said, and yes, there was such sorrow in his voice that I wanted to cry the tears I could hear in his words.

Watching Heero die? Don't be silly. Heero can't die. Yeah, he can, a little voice piped up and I squashed him firmly.

Heero didn't talk for a while after that, and then when he spoke, he sounded so guilty. "I did that to him?" he breathed.

"It wasn't your fault," Quatre said quickly, and I cheered him on, "it was a miracle you survived at all."

What?

"Has he been eating?"

"We all tried to make him eat as much as possible, but he had a bunch of solo missions…"

"He's been going on solo missions in this state?" Heero sounded horrified now.

"We didn't know what to do!" Quatre cried. "We were afraid if we didn't let him do something that'd let him…forget, he'd do something to himself!"

There was a frozen silence.

I had the feeling that I didn't want to interrupt this, so I stayed quiet. What they were talking about really puzzled me though. Solo missions? Do something to myself? Why would I want to do…something…to…I cut that line of thought off rather quickly. There was something there I didn't want to know, and lying here, in Heero's arms, I just wanted to not remember.

But I couldn't help the downward spiral of memory, and the images came to me. Wing self-destructing, someone telling me Heero was dead, countless missions that blurred together afterward, the nightmares…worse than any I'd ever had, Wufei's concerned face, Quatre speaking to me earnestly, Trowa trying to offer words of comfort, and overlaying all that…the sound of the voice saying, "Heero's dead."

I started to shudder uncontrollably, and I think I actually whimpered for a moment, the throbbing that simple phrase caused returning full force. There were voices above my head that I think were calling my name, but I couldn't hear them over that phrase I'd repeated a million times a day for two months. 'Heero's dead.'

I buried my face into the mattress, holding back my tears with every ounce of strength I had, and realized my mattress was…breathing? I didn't know mattresses could breathe.

Then the rest came flooding in…Heero's arms hugging me, fainting…Heero alive and well.

I sucked in a huge gasp of air and flung myself backwards.

He was still there, I hadn't been imagining his voice. He looked healthy enough for being blown up, though I could see a few new scars on his shoulders. He looked concrete, not filmy, not a thing made of hopeful thoughts and dreams.

I studied his eyes, the part that could tell me if I was awake or dreaming, because even in dreams, I could never get Heero's eyes quite right.

They were his eyes all right, holding a faint hint of horror, anxiety, and fear, a heavy portion of guilt, joy, sorrow…all churning and his eyes were alive, so alive.

With a strangled cry, I flung myself back into him, and couldn't stop the tears.

I tried to cry the way we'd been taught as street orphans: quietly, unnoticeably, but despite myself, a couple harsh sobs ripped out of my throat, and I heard the sounds of the others leaving our room.

I spared them a moment of gratitude, and then went on to generously soak Heero's tank top with tears. I really hoped he didn't mind, but hey, you can't cry two months worth of tears in a few short minutes. This was really an all-out cry, like one I hadn't had in…forever.

He held me closely, like he had no intention of letting me go, and rubbed my back and my head and whispered apology after apology.

I just cried.

Finally, after I don't know how long, my weeping fit seemed to be coming to a close. Heero didn't complain about the mess I'd made of his clothes and I almost smiled at his self-restraint.

I snuffled into his shoulder, and muttered, "Sorry."

"Shhh…it's all right, don't be sorry," Heero soothed, and I wondered when he'd started taking lessons from my "soothing voice." It was probably rusty again, since I hadn't had much chance to practice.

A slightly hysterical laugh broke out of me when I thought that, and Heero's arms tightened around me.

"Duo?" He sounded worried. Hell, I'd be worried if I saw me, eyes probably swollen from crying, lying on top of Heero who I thought was dead for two months, and laughing hysterically. Yes, definitely grounds for worry.

I calmed my rising hysteria, and tried to smile at him.

Gently, he wiped my face with the one dry corner of his tank top, and I'd have burst into tears again if I hadn't been wrung dry.

"Are you hungry?" he questioned, and I realized, strangely surprised, that I was.

I nodded.

"All right, just wait for to change my shirt, hmm?" I looked up, and he had the tiniest wry-looking grin on his face that would've broken me if, like I said, I hadn't cried myself out.

I think he could tell from my expression, though, because he gathered me close again while I struggled to regain my composure.

When I'd relaxed, he let me go, and fetched out a clean tank top from a pile of clothes that had lain untouched for two months and was probably collecting dust.

I watched him fixedly, afraid if I blinked, he'd disappear. He sent me an almost shy look, before peeling off his top, and quickly shrugging the new one on.

Then he paused at the bed, obviously unsure, and wordlessly, I opened my arms because I was afraid if I tried to stand, I'd wobble and fall over. He eye-smiled at me, and I drank it up like a thirsting man gulps down water.

He lifted me up, and I almost felt like a toy in his arms. For the first time in two months, I really looked at myself, and was shocked, really, at how much weight I'd lost. No wonder everybody was acting like I'd break at a moment's notice. It looked like a light, summer breeze could topple me over.

When we walked into the kitchen, and Heero said that I was hungry, Quatre brightened and just about looked like I'd offered him the world, while Wufei and Trowa looked immensely surprised and satisfied at the same time.

"Not too much at first," Wufei cautioned Quatre, for which I was glad. I think if Quatre had tried to feed me some gourmet buffet dinner or something, I might have thrown up. Not really reassuring to four Gundam pilots already on the edge. For some reason, I just didn't feel like opening my mouth, maybe afraid that it would break the spell and everything would turn back the way they were.

So I had soup. And it was delicious soup. I'm not sure what kind of soup it was, but it definitely tasted like heaven to me.

Everybody acted like they weren't watching, but I got the slightly unsettling feeling that every single bite that went in my mouth was closely monitored by four different people.

I figured, though, that I'd scared them enough in the past two months that I could make a few allowances.

When my silence continued past dinner, while I lay curled in Heero's lap as they discussed what had happened (besides me) in the past two months, I could tell they were getting the tiniest bit concerned.

I made an effort to open my mouth, but once I got to that point, I just couldn't seem to force the sounds out, and closed my mouth.

Wufei noticed my aborted attempt with a frown, and I looked away. But, well, that whole evening, I was just having a piece of the truth pounded into my stubborn head. The feel of Heero's body, the sound of his voice, the smiles on the others' faces, my feeling of contentment, they all enforced the two tiny words that had been resounding in my head, but that I'd been afraid to trust. Heero's alive, Heero's alive.

I'd told myself Heero's dead, Heero's dead, so many times those two months, trying to convince myself of its truth. It hadn't worked. Every part of me had rebelled at the statement, and I had to remind myself countless times to ensure that I didn't forget that he was dead.

This time it was easy. By the end of that evening, the truth had grown too much for me to deny, and in the middle of their conversation, I said, "Heero, you're alive."

I waited breathlessly for him to vanish, and when he didn't, I laughed. It wasn't the cracked, defeated chuckle of those two months, or that hysterical one in the bedroom; this was my old laugh, the laugh behind the joker's mask, and the others recognized that as well.

Then all the urges I'd been repressing surged up to give my brain a mental kick, and I froze.

I'm sure my face was doing the most interesting dance, trying to choose between punching him and hugging him, and since I couldn't decide, I went for yelling at him.

"Where the hell were you for two months?"

He cringed. He actually cringed.

"Uhh…" he said intelligently. Heero Yuy, Perfect Soldier, lost for words?

"He was with me," Trowa interrupted, sounding wary.

What? "What?" I turned to stare at him.

From Quatre and Wufei's surprised looks, I presumed they hadn't known either. That was good. Two less butts to kick when this was all over.

"You knew he was alive?" My brain kicked into gear. "And you didn't tell me?"

Trowa nodded.

"Why?" It burst out of me. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked desperately.

"Listen," Trowa sighed, "Heero was really…messed up after the explosion…broken bones everywhere and internal bleeding. It seemed kind of doubtful that he'd actually pull through, and I didn't want to bring your hopes up…"

I understood that. Mentally. The other part of me was still kind of caught on 'why didn't you tell me?'

I probably looked really, really shocked.

"Oh," I said numbly, and Heero looked at me helplessly, while Trowa just looked sad and faintly guilty.

Well, he should, I thought a little viciously, and immediately pushed that thought away.

Trying not to sound angry, I asked, "I don't suppose you could have told me…sooner?" I succeeded; I didn't sound angry…just wretchedly plaintive.

They both looked surprised, I guess, that I wasn't blowing up at them, and even more like they'd accidentally murdered an infant or something equally horrendous.

"Not just a little earlier?" I asked, sounding suspiciously like I was on the point of begging.

Quatre looked like he was going to cry, and Wufei seemed to be wavering between murderous and sympathetic.

I couldn't help it, another tear got past my defenses and slid down my cheek. Damn. I thought I'd finished with the crying.

I ducked my head to hide it and surreptitiously scrubbed it away.

"I'm sorry," Heero and Trowa said simultaneously, and I latched onto the sound of their heartbreakingly remorseful voices like it was a lifeline. I really didn't want to get mad at them, and ruin the moment of Heero's homecoming.

"It's alright," I mumbled, forcing myself to sound normal, "I understand." And I did, for those of you who think I'm lying, I did understand. Just…not really well. Other Duo staggered up, looking pale and altogether unhealthy, and said weakly, Stop lying to yourself and just hit them.

Quatre moaned in a suspiciously choked voice, "Duo…"

Bravely, I forged on, "I get it. It's okay. It's not your fault. I just wish…"

"Wish what?" Heero sounded as if he were hoping for an answer he was afraid of, and I was too tired to follow his complicated thinking.

"It's nothing," I muttered.

"No it's not," he said a bit sharply. "Tell us what you want to say."

"Go on," urged Wufei.

What was wrong with them?

"Do you want me to get mad at you?" I cried, my voice rising.

Apparently, none of them had expected that, and so they all answered. What I got was the most peculiar mixture: "Yes (Wufei) I don't know (Quatre) if you want to (Heero) if it'll make you feel better (Trowa)."

"Guys…" I said, sounding anguished. I recovered control in what I thought was an admirable amount of time, and muttered, "Fat lot of help you were."

I thought back on their responses and snickered. I couldn't help it. It was just so…bizarre, the way they answered my question.

Soon I was full out laughing, which changed to sobbing sometime in the middle without me noticing.

I tried to shrink into myself, and rode out the sobs, quivering.

Heero appeared to be at a loss; he probably wasn't sure if I'd welcome or reject him at this stage, so I helped him.

Turning my head into his shoulder, I muttered between gasping breaths, "You guys…are so…damn…tactful…"

"Oh, Duo, we're so sorry," Heero said, and I could feel the pain just radiating off him, "So very sorry."

Finally the wail that had been in the back of my throat broke out, "I just wish you could have told me!"

Wufei growled, but I refused to look at any of the other pilots, and kept my face squashed into Heero's chest.

"Just…told me a little…earlier," I whispered brokenly.

They were so quiet, and I don't even think Heero was breathing.

After my pathetic little outburst, I didn't really want to face any of them, so I forced myself into sleep, and kind of hoped I wouldn't have to wake up.

Unfortunately, I guess it's not possible to just will yourself into a coma, so I woke up the next morning in bed, with Heero, and for a while, I was happy to just hold onto him and know that none of it was a dream. Of course, that meant the part about Trowa not telling me and all that ensued was real too.

Now I felt kind of stupid, getting so worked up over such a little thing; I hadn't died in those two months and Heero was alive. Those were the really important things.

I sighed and raised my head to look at Heero. He had that wretched look on his face again, and I smiled, bringing up a hand to try to smooth those lines away.

"It's all right, Heero," I said, trying to infuse as much forgiveness as possible into those four words.

I think he heard it, but didn't quite believe it, so I suggested, "I'm hungry. Breakfast?"

He nodded and we set off to the kitchen, while he stared at me with that sad look in his eyes.

Trowa was sitting at the table, and when he looked up, I saw the same almost broken look, and felt like I'd been drowning kittens.

I just didn't want to deal with them before breakfast, though, so I accepted a plate from Quatre, who knew my fetish with scrambled eggs and ketchup, and prepared them just so.

During breakfast, I don't think either Trowa or Heero ate a bite, they were staring at me so. It was really bugging me.

And for once, nobody made a derogatory comment over my choice of sauces on eggs, not even Wufei when he walked in, giving Trowa and Heero some cold looks.

This whole…acting like I would break if they said one word was starting to set my teeth on edge, and I was feeling really, really sorry I'd left them hanging on the edge like that yesterday night. They'd worked themselves into such a state…I wasn't really sure what the hell to say to them.

I finished breakfast, and set my fork down with a sigh. Quatre was eating his own almost mechanically, obviously paying more attention to me than to what went in his mouth.

"Guys, it's alright, I forgive you," I said earnestly.

They didn't believe me.

For the rest of the day, they did this careful little dance around me, making sure whenever I opened my mouth, there was someone nearby to help me, and I got the feeling that if they could, they'd be pulling out chairs for me to sit in if I complained of my foot aching.

I wasn't really mad at them anymore…now I was just annoyed, and damn sorry.

This…distance really hurt, especially with Heero. He was my best friend, it hurt not being able to say what I liked to him, and that he seemed to be so afraid of me.

By sunset, I was ready to scream.

And so at dinner, when they did the whole staring thing again, I decided that this had gone on long enough.

"Okay guys, this is getting freakin' ridiculous," I snapped. Everybody flinched and I forcibly dragged the sigh that was coming out of my mouth back into my throat.

"You knew that when you made your decision not to tell me, that it would probably hurt me, and it did. You sentenced me to two months of hell," I said bluntly, and they looked at me with this appalled horror all over their faces.

"But I understand your reasons, and I agree that what you did was probably for the best. Seeing Heero die again probably would have…broken me, I guess." They still looked horrorstruck, but some of that damn guilt was finally fading.

"You did what you thought was best, and I can't really blame you," I said, shrugging, "I might've been really hurt about it, but I've gotten over it. So, now, you guys need to get over it too. This…acting like I'm a wild animal is really pissing me off," I growled, before I could stop it.

Now they looked even more horrified, and this time, I couldn't keep the sigh in.

"Heero is alive…that's all I care about, really," I turned to Trowa, trying to make him just believe, "you brought him back to me, and I can't tell you how grateful I am. That just pretty much negates anything you might've done, if you want to look at it that way."

Trowa seemed like he was starting to understand, and forgive himself a little, and Heero didn't look quite so sad.

"Heero, you're alive. Pretty much anything after that is meaningless," I said, and reached out to stroke his cheek. "Do you really think I would begrudge anything that brought back my best friend?" I asked gravely.

He shook his head mutely.

"And 'Fei," I grinned at him warmly, "you don't need to be mad at them anymore. They healed me more than hurt me, really."

That won me a small chuckle.

"Little brother? I'm all right, Trowa did the right thing."

The atmosphere after that seemed much lightened, and we all ate dinner peaceably, without those damn scared looks directed my way.

Then I was struck with a brilliant idea.

"Guys?" They looked up. "Let's go play some basketball," I chirped, grinning madly.

"Do you even have a basketball?" Wufei asked.

"Yep, I found one in the garage, and we have a court in the back, y'know."

"And the teams?" Trowa questioned.

I frowned. "I dunno…rock, paper, scissors?" I asked dubiously.

They agreed, just as dubiously.

Our teams: Heero, Wufei, and Quatre vs. Trowa and me.

We played furiously for an hour, and in the first half hour, their team shot ahead of us by more than ten points. Not only did they have Heero, who was the champion of long shots, but they had Quatre, who had an almost 100 reliability of making the basket. Wufei was obviously not a bad player, either.

Our only advantage was that Trowa was taller than anybody else, and he could jump higher than Heero. I just zoomed around the court, stealing and dodging and making an odd shot here and there.

It was great, but they called an end to it a lot earlier than I would've liked, afraid that I'd do something silly…like fainting.

I swatted at them, complaining petulantly…they ignored me. As always in things concerning my health.

I sighed, and petitioned the gods or whatever was out there, "Why am I cursed to always be surrounded by mother hens?"

"Mother hen?" Wufei said indignantly.

"You are," I protested.

"Motherhen?"

Ah…so that was the sticky point.

"Fine," I growled, "you can be a father rooster."

He opened his mouth and closed it, trying to decide if that was better than mother hen, or worse.

Quatre laughed at him, and Trowa grinned.

"Fine," Wufei said, looking terribly put upon. I smirked at him.

"Anybody else want to become a father rooster?" I asked the world at large.

"I dunno…" Trowa said, sending me a sly look, "wouldn't that make you a baby chick?"

"What?" I said, blushing hotly, "Of course not!"

"Of course," Trowa said noncommittally.

"Heero…" I said, looking to him for some help, but he just raised an eyebrow.

I blew a raspberry at him and he wrinkled his nose.

Then it was like things just snapped back into place, and I knew that everything would work out.

"Friends?" I asked wistfully.

"You never have to ask," Heero assured me, and from the other guy's nods, I guess he spoke for them all.

Quatre all of a sudden said, grinning wickedly, "So, why don't we mother hens and father rooster take little baby chick back to his nest now, hmm?"

"Quatre!" I threw my hands up and walked on, muttering darkly. I had the feeling I was going to be really sick of that mother hen joke before long.