Chapter 13

Quatre and Trowa were really bugging me.

It all started when Quatre went mad under Wing Zero's control, and almost sent Trowa floating off to the Land of the Dead.

It had been really frightening, watching the creature who used to be our lovable little Quatre destroy a colony, and much as it had scared us, I think Quatre had been scarred even more horribly.

When Trowa had regained his memory, and returned to us, things had become, if that was possible, even worse.

Quatre had himself tied up in knots worthy of my own twisted thinking, convinced that he was responsible for everything that Wing Zero had made him do, no matter what we said.

He was looking for forgiveness, I think, and we weren't the people to give it to him. I didn't get how Quatre, with his uncannily accurate perception of human feelings, couldn't see that Trowa had never held him liable for what he did, but the hole Quatre'd dug for himself was too deep for us to drag him out of.

It was truly heart wrenching to watch Quatre fade away, and be able to do nothing.

Trowa, on the other hand, had withdrawn into himself so totally, it was like we were speaking to a stranger. He couldn't understand Quatre's distance, I guess, and probably had talked himself into thinking that it was his own fault.

We were on the point of losing them entirely.

I decided to try my hand one last time at hammering the truth into Quatre's stubborn disbelief.

So here we were, in my room, the door firmly shut and locked, with my little brother staring at me mulishly.

"Quatre," I said bluntly, "you're killing him."

"What?" He reared back. Good. I'd totally taken him by surprise.

"You are," I confirmed. "He thinks you hate him, you know," I appealed to the part of Quatre that would be stricken at the thought of Trowa suffering in any way.

"Of course I don't," Quatre refuted.

"Well, you better tell him that," I said sternly.

"He knows I don't hate him," Quatre insisted.

"Does he?" I raised an eyebrow. "Every time he tries to talk to you, you run away from him like he has the plague."

"But he hates me!" Quatre gasped.

"Don't be ridiculous," I said forcefully, "Trowa could never hate you."

Miserably, Quatre said, "I almost killed him," and I could see him beating himself up all over again.

"Okay," I said, "let's try to put things into perspective here. I," I jabbed myself in the chest, "shot Heero two times, twice, when we met. Does he hate me?"

"That's different," Quatre snapped, "you didn't know each other then, and none of the shots were fatal."

"But," I said, looking at him intently, "I was in control of all my mental facilities at the time, and at that time, in your state of mind, you might as well have never met."

"I nearly killed him," Quatre maintained.

"Yes, you did."

Quatre gaped at me, obviously not prepared for my agreement.

"You nearly killed him then, but you're definitely destroying him now."

"But…"

"Quatre," I leaned toward him, "you have some special way of telling what people are feeling, right?" I know I said we don't usually ask about this sort of thing, but if the choice was between Trowa and Quatre self-destructing and breaking one of our unsaid rules, well, we all know which one I'd choose.

"How do you know that?" The question just burst out of him, and he looked at me suspiciously.

"I had my suspicions," I said wryly, "after all those demonstrations of yours."

"Oh," he said, looking a little shamefaced at his outburst.

"Tell me," I said, "what is Trowa feeling right now?"

Quatre flinched, shying away from the point of no return. Once he found out Trowa's true feelings, well then, he'd know for sure if Trowa hated him or not. I kind of knew where he was coming from; I was a master at hiding from everything, after all, including the truth.

"Okay, you don't have to answer that."

He relaxed.

"Right now, I'm going to go out, and I'm going to ask Trowa about you, okay? You don't have to…uh, listen in on his feelings if you don't want to, but," I said, looking at him seriously, "you might be a little surprised at what you get should you choose to see what Trowa's feeling."

I stood up, placing one hand on Quatre's shoulder. "Just…think about it, okay, little brother?"

He was silent, but I'd planted the idea, and knowing Quatre's natural curiosity, he wouldn't be able to resist.

I hunted up Trowa, and found him sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the wall.

Sitting down next to him, I said casually, "Hey Tro."

He didn't say anything. Surprise, surprise.

Projecting a nonchalant air, I remarked, "You've been pretty quiet lately…kinda like Quatre."

I couldn't miss the way his breathing stopped for a moment at Quatre's name.

"You wanna know why I used to call him Bumblebee?" I rambled.

Trowa was puzzled; I could tell.

"Because you guys reminded me of bees and honey…never could find one without the other." I looked at him sadly. "Kind of doesn't fit anymore, huh?"

Trowa seemed to sink into the couch.

"You guys are damn confusing, you know that? You think he hates you…he thinks you hate him…you feel guilty…he feels guilty…gods, everything's a mess, isn't it?" I shook my head, then struggled out of the couch, nudging his shoulder as I left, "See ya, Tro."

There, let him stew over that for a bit. Okay, now back to Quatre. Let's see if curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction brought him back.

I walked into the room, and was pounced upon by an ecstatic Quatre.

"I guess he doesn't hate you," I said dryly.

Quatre shook his head vigorously, and appeared totally speechless.

"Well…" I gave him a not-so-subtle shove out the door. "Go to him. He needs you."

Quatre all of a sudden seemed to droop, and I got a headache just trying to follow his mood swings.

"It's all my fault," he said dejectedly.

"Oh, gods." I rolled my eyes, "We aren't back to that again, are we?"

"I made him feel hated."

Dude…"That's just great," I said exasperatedly, "now go make him feel loved."

"What? But…I, I mean…Trowa…"

"Quatre, I know you love the guy. You probably know he loves you. So stop being an idiot and snap out of it."

Heh. I guess I just totally ran out of patience there, huh?

Quatre lingered near the doorway, still hesitant, and I said, "Well…what the hell are you doing? Go away, already."

Still he paused.

I said evenly, "You have two choices. Choose one."

When I looked up, he was gone.

I fell back against the bed with an explosive breath, and spent a few minutes muttering about annoyingly headstrong little brothers.

When Heero walked in, I asked wordlessly for a hug, and looking a bit anxious, he came over to sit on the bed and wrap an arm around me.

I might've been confident as hell during the actual execution of mission: Quatre + Trowa Happiness, but now…with time to worry over all the details, I wondered.

There was a knock at the door. I said a bit fearfully, "Come in." Quatre wouldn't knock if he was devastated, would he?

Nope, it was good ol' Wufei.

"Have you seen Trowa or Quatre?"

Okay, so he hadn't seen them yet. I guess it was good that they were still ensconced in their room. Unless they'd both died of a heart attack.

"No, not for a while," Heero answered.

"'Fei," I said, patting the mattress, "sit here." If what was coming up heralded the destruction or mending of our little group, everyone should be present.

He sat carefully on the side of the bed.

We didn't speak for quite a while.

I wondered what Quatre and Trowa were doing.

Wufei ventured to ask, "What are we doing?" He probably found this all very puzzling, and very worrying.

"Waiting," I said grimly.

"Oh…for what?"

"To see if Qat and Tro get their heads screwed back on straight."

They didn't ask any more questions.

I don't know how many hours passed, but I was strung too tightly to even think about dozing off, and my eyes were practically glued to the door. Other Duo was as silent as I was.

At near around midnight, The Knock came.

I got off the bed and staggered towards the door, remembering to turn on the lights as I went by.

Taking a deep breath, I twisted the doorknob, and the door swung gently in.

Quatre looked…radiant, and Trowa had this elation written all over him.

The strength left my legs, and I collapsed against the side of the door.

"The Bumblebee still stands?" My voice was hoarse. Pretty dorky, I know. But hey, whatever.

"Yes," Trowa confirmed joyfully.

I think Other Duo fainted.

"Oh thank god," I said, the words just popping from my mouth, and motioned for them to come in.

Heero and Wufei had these most dumbstruck looks on their faces that I would have found really funny if I hadn't been so damn relieved.

They walked in, practically floating on air, and then didn't seem to know what to say.

Not willing to let this degenerate into a staring match, I drawled, "I take it you two finally got together."

"Uh, yeah." Quatre blushed, then looked at us a bit sheepishly, and said, "We were being kind of silly, weren't we?"

"Astonishingly so," Wufei said candidly.

They both looked…chagrined.

"Okay guys," I clapped my hands, "their stupidity has been resolved…we've all made mistakes before." I paused, then said thoughtfully, "Granted, not a mistake quite like what they've been doing. Like I said, you guys were damn confusing." I smiled at them amusedly.

Quatre and Trowa looked down, shamefaced, and I relented.

"Let me talk with 'Fei and Heero, okay? We'll decide on terms of forgiveness for freaking us out so thoroughly."

They nodded.

I conferred with Heero and Wufei for a moment in hushed whispers, and let Heero talk.

"A hug," he said, "and all will be forgiven."

Then, all of a sudden, we were all squashed in a big group hug, and I let them squeeze the air out of my lungs for nearly a minute before it got really painful.

"Guys?" I gasped, "Guys, okay, we forgive you. Don't kill us, please."

Slowly, they extricated themselves, and I realized with a shock, that not only did Quatre and Trowa have an arm around me, but Wufei and Heero did as well.

"Thank you," Wufei said, "for getting their heads screwed back on straight."

"No problem," I said weakly.

Quatre seemed to suddenly remember that he'd forgotten to say thank you, and nearly bowled me over. "Thank you oh thank you oh thank you," he said frantically, and I worried that he'd kill himself trying to say them all.

"Hey, big brothers have got to be there for their little brothers, right? Otherwise, what's the point of having them?"

I shrugged, and Quatre seemed a little less distraught.

A thought struck me then, and I looked at Trowa, saying offhandedly, "You know, now that you and Quatre are practically married, doesn't that make you my older brother-in-law?"

"Duo!" There were several sharp gasps all around the room, and I grinned.

"Just a thought," I said carelessly, "I mean, honestly, you didn't really spend eight or nine hours talking, did you?"

"Duo!" I'm not sure if that was Quatre, or Wufei, or maybe it was both. I know Trowa blushed.

"Oh, please, we don't mind, do we? After all, who's been teasing me for ages about Heero being my boyfriend?"

"You mean he isn't?" Quatre snapped his head up.

"No, Heero is not my boyfriend. We are best friends," I said, emphasizing all the key words. Other Duo gave a halfhearted cough.

Abruptly, Quatre chuckled and shook his head. "And you thought we were a mess."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. So none of you mind? That we're…together?" Both of them looked hopefully at all of us.

"I'm quite gay," I informed them with a snort. "As if I would mind."

"You know I don't mind," Heero told Quatre gently, and I wondered how he knew.

We all stared at Wufei. "Better than an onna."

I pushed him off the bed, laughing.

Quatre and Trowa seemed much reassured, and all of a sudden, I was ravenously hungry.

My stomach growled, and with the others realizing they hadn't eaten dinner either, it set off an interesting medley of protesting stomachs.

"Okay," I said, tugging Quatre off the bed with me, "let's go make dinner."

While waiting for the meat to simmer, Quatre used the time to offer me his undying gratitude. Again.

"Quatre," I said, totally sick of the phrase 'thank you,' "all I needed to do was nudge you a bit, and you used your own thing to run the rest of the way."

"But-"

"No buts, I just did what any of us would've gotten to sooner or later."

"No," Quatre disagreed, "Wufei and Heero don't quite have your sort of…skill with people."

"No, they don't," I said a bit ruefully.

"So, you and Heero…really aren't…involved?" Quatre asked, and I got the feeling that this was really bugging him.

"No."

We were quiet for a moment, and then I asked, "Quatre?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you tell what I'm feeling?"

"…yeah."

"Could you tell me," I almost whispered, "exactly what I feel about Heero?" I stared at the wooden tabletop, tracing its patterns, and thinking about my best friend who I wasn't sure was just my best friend anymore.

There was a pause. Then Quatre asked me gently, "Do I really need to tell you, Duo?"

I felt strings pull my head up and down in a jerking nod.

"Love, Duo," he said. "Love."

Quatre looked at me, an almost hopeful expression on his face.

My mind went blank, except for one word: "Shit."

He looked a bit scared now, and said uncertainly, "Duo? What's wrong?"

I looked up and gave him a strained smile. "Would you mind if I went for a walk? Ten minutes."

I was out of the room before I could even see him answer.

Somehow I made it outside, and shambled mindlessly down the sidewalk. Other Duo said, a little sadly, Well…now you know.

I know. Gods. I love Heero.

It didn't seem impossible anymore, now that I thought about it. After all, who couldn't fall in love with him? He was handsome, and strong, and intelligent, and kind, and…damn…I've got it bad.

I remembered those broad hints Other Duo had kept giving me, and chuckled mirthlessly at the thought that my…whatever-other self had known long before I had. But then, I've always been an emotional rock.

Dammit. That feeling, that almost exhilarating feeling of plummeting I got when I first met him…that wasn't fear. That was love. I'd fallen in love with the guy on our first damn meeting.

I choked back a strangled laugh. Our first damn meeting.

I stopped and laid an arm across a pole, leaning my forehead against it.

Does he love me? A little voice said softly, and I could have just killed it when it asked that question. Killed it and fed its body to the dogs.

"No," I snarled out loud, bitterly, facing up to the truth with a queer, twisted satisfaction. "How could he?" How could someone as…perfect as he was, love a broken street rat?

A broken street rat…

A broken street rat…

broken street rat…

The words echoed. I snarled and took a deep breath.

My mind whirled. I felt dizzy.

Should I just keep walking?

Oh god, oh god, oh god.

I shook my head, but it didn't seem to help my scattered thoughts any. I found myself next to another pole, and grabbed it. I stared at my hand, and kind of wished it could crush the metal, send it crashing down, anything at all. Just something. Something that would help everything make sense in the world.

I felt like nothing.

The questions, the shock, the frickin' emotions continued to circle, sharks in a feeding frenzy.

Love? Was it really possible? Was this just a dream? Was I in hell?

Oh god, Heero.

Should I stay away from him? NO! My whole body rebelled at the thought and I almost threw up.

C'mon, Other Duo counseled me, get a hold of yourself. I saw him shaking his head from side to side a little, as if trying to jar something back into place. Stop it. Stop it! He yelled at me.

A little voice whispered, Just go back and tell him.

Tell him, tell him, tell him.

My response to that was even worse, and I retched emptily for a moment and swiped the back of my hand across my mouth, panting heavily.

Deep breathing. Slowly, I relaxed until I wasn't a total muddle of denial and confusion, and then harshly, I locked up all my thoughts of loving Heero into a box and thrust it into a room with a triple padlocked door: the room where I kept my memories of L2, and Chase. I slammed it, and resolved never to open it again.

Well, I thought bleakly, he never needs to know about my stupidity.

I turned, and walked wearily back to the safehouse. At the door, I straightened my back, raised my chin, and told myself, You can do this. You can act like he's nothing but your best friend. Because if you let the truth out, somebody will be hurt, and it's most likely to be you.

Here I am, hiding from the truth again. God, it fucking hurts.