A Thousand Snowflakes
Dedicated to my best friend Lina
Saturday mornings had always been his favourite time of the week.
But lately he'd come to hate them.
The mumbling sound from the kitchen reached his ears as he slowly walked down the stairs, feeling how his eyes got more warm and teary for every step he took. Through the living room windows he could see the white snow lying untouched. A perfect day to be outside and play, and later come in to some hot chocolate and newly baked cookies.
Three heads immediately turned to Seth as he walked into the kitchen. Around the table were the twins, while Summer was standing by the island cutting vegetables. She was already dressed, in black jeans and a wine red top, and her dark hair was pulled back into a plait. She smiled, meeting his eyes.
"Hi, Seth."
Isabelle and Isaac had returned to their food, both trying to get some of the other's. On the wall, the clock showed eight fifty; the whole day was lying before them.
Seth slowly walked over to his wife, seeing her pull the knife down and take a step closer to him. His arms went around her and he could feel how she hugged him near her as hard as she could.
He knew that he loved her; he could feel it in everything he did, every breath he took. He knew that he loved his children; he knew that he loved his family more than anything. But in moments like these, he missed his little girl the most. They weren't supposed to be four in their family. They were five. Seth, Summer, Isaac, Isabelle and Lina.
Fighting his tears back, Seth kissed the side of Summer's face and let go of her. He knew that she needed these hugs, needed to feel him being there. As did he.
Seth could see how Summer fought, fought to stay in control. Her breathing had gone heavy, as if trying not to cry and she blinked fast to suppress any tears from escaping her eyes. He gently touched her arm before taking the newspaper and sinking down in a chair by the table.
A minute later Summer was back to cutting the vegetables, Seth reading the paper and having his morning coffee, and the twins were still in their chairs. After a few seconds of peace though, Isaac started to cry, Isabelle holding his spoon in her hand.
"I didn't do anything. I swear, mom! I didn't do anything," she yelled as Summer kneeled down between her and Isaac, who was red in his face from crying.
Isaac held his arms out and leaned into his mother's arms, crying even harder. Summer rocked him, stroking his curls and looking over at her daughter.
"I didn't do anything!" By now Isabelle was crying as well, telling her mother over and over again that she hadn't done anything.
Summer turned to Seth, who had put the paper down. "Seth, please."
He couldn't look at her. He couldn't meet her eyes, which he knew were pleading him to stay and help her.
"Seth," she quietly said, watching how he rose and walked away from the table. "Seth."
He could feel her eyes watching his back, he knew that he was supposed to stay, but he kept walking away. He walked to the foyer, grabbed his coat and put on his boots. The cries from the kitchen hadn't stopped, and he could hear how Summer's gentle voice was trying to calm the twins down.
He hated himself for it, but walked outside in the cold winter's day, closing the door behind him.
Just as Seth got to the graveyard it started to snow; big snowflakes fell from the sky. It had snowed for a few days now, and the gravestones were covered in white. Seth though knew where he was going, he knew the place of which he'd visited every day for two months now.
Seth placed the flower he'd bought in the snow, wiping some snow away from the stone so that Lina could be read in golden capitals. He took a step back and once again felt how that day returned to him.
He walked into the hospital, holding his wife's hand. She was shaking and hadn't spoken a word since they'd received that call; a doctor telling them that their five-year-old daughter was in the hospital. She'd been in an accident; she had been hit by a bus.
Summer squeezed his hand and hugged his arm the whole way to their girl on the second floor. None of them cried yet.
Millions of thoughts ran through Seth's mind. He thought about this morning, about his decision to not let Lina go to her ballet since she had a cold. He remembered her pleas, her screams directed to him and her crying all the way to school.
It was his fault.
They had been waiting and waiting outside of her school, but Lina hadn't come. Lina hadn't been there.
Seth felt Summer tugging on his arm, felt how her grip tightened for every second. She was still not crying, although tears were threatening to fall. What had happened to their daughter, to Lina?
Seth would never forget the sight they'd met when they walked into the hospital room. Their little girl had been even smaller than she was. Her lifeless body had met their eyes.
Seth would never forget how Summer had let go of his arm and how she fell to the floor. He'd never forget how he'd been as if paralyzed, stuck in the floor. He hadn't moved; he hadn't been able to move.
Visions of that day haunted him every minute, and every time he did something images of Lina appeared in front of him. Everything reminded him of Lina; everything reminded him that Lina was dead.
Seth sat down on the porch, digging his hands deeper in his pockets. He wasn't ready to go inside yet.
Across the street he saw a young couple walk with a perambulator, the man having an arm wrapped around his wife. Seth used to walk like that with Summer when Lina had been newborn. While thinking about that, Seth felt how someone sat down next to him.
"It's freezing," she said while pulling her coat tighter around her. "Why are you sitting out here?" Her hands forced his out of his pockets, and she intertwined their fingers, still waiting on an answer. "Seth?"
"I don't know."
He'd said those words too much lately. Sometimes though it was the only thing he could say. He didn't know the right words anymore; he didn't know.
Summer pushed herself closer to him, leaning against him. "I love you."
Lightly squeezing her hand, sadly smiling, Seth hoped to show her that he felt the same way. He hoped that she could feel it; that she could sense it somehow. The past couple of weeks Summer had been forced to guess things, and hope that she knew what he was feeling, what he was meaning. Summer was patient. She didn't push him, she didn't force him. She just let him do whatever he needed to, wanted to. She just loved him.
Though Seth couldn't understand how she could sometimes. He couldn't understand how she did it, how she could hold everything together; how she could be so strong. Seth couldn't understand how she never blamed him, never yelled at him, never told him to act like an adult person. He couldn't understand how she could be so amazing.
One thing that he did understand though, one thing that he knew for certain, was that he loved her.
