A Thousand Snowflakes
Dedicated to my best friend Lina
Seth woke up with a grunt, lying on his stomach with his face deep in the cushions. Something had woken him; a familiar melody of which he had not heard for what seemed like forever. It was his phone that he for the past few weeks hadn't been using. With another grunt Seth forced his heavy body to get out of bed and walk to the dresser, where his phone lay.
Summer must have charged it, thinking that maybe this time he would answer his calls. Seth hadn't talked much to anyone since the funeral. He barely spoke to Summer and the twins. Work had been ignored, as had his friends and family. He had been answering the phone the first days but after hanging up too many times when someone called to give them their condolences he just stopped. Summer had been the one to call work and make sure they weren't expecting to see Seth there for a while, and they had been very understanding. As had his friends, their friends, and after awhile everyone understood that Seth needed time.
Seth picked the phone up and answered it with a tired "hello".
"Seth?"
Hearing the familiar voice of his brother whom he hadn't spoken to in several weeks made Seth wish Summer hadn't found his phone. "Listen, I don't want to-" Seth began.
"Talk?" Ryan's voice was calm but you could sense a harshness coming up. "I kind of know that, seeing as you haven't been answering any of our calls for weeks, Seth."
"Ryan, I thought I told you that I needed time and-" Seth started again but was this time also interrupted.
"You haven't told me that. Summer has." The annoyance in Ryan's words was apparent but he forced himself to continue in a calmer tone. "Listen, man. I know this sucks. And I don't get it. But you need to live."
Seth sat down on the bed, wincing and wanting to run away from these past months. Everything hurt. "Ryan,"
Sighing in the phone, Ryan continued. "Seth, please. Just hear me out."
"Okay, sure. I'm listening."
Thankful that he hadn't been hung up on yet, Ryan softly started to talk. "We're worried about you. Seth. I've been calling you and so have Sandy and Kirsten. And we've been talking to Summer, because she answers the phone. And she keeps protecting you telling us that you need more time. Truth to be told, I'm worried about Summer. They need you, Seth. You're her husband, and their father." He said it all in a hurry, as if afraid that he wouldn't get the chance to say it all otherwise.
"I know that," Seth snapped.
"Then what are you doing leaving everything to Summer? We've offered to come help you with the twins, or maybe you could all come to us. Summer won't let us though. She thinks she can do everything by herself."
Seth felt his anger building up inside. "I know all of this, Ryan. Do you think I don't know this?"
"Seth, let us help you," Ryan pleaded sincerely. "Let us help you and Summer."
Seth could feel how tears began to cloud his eyes. This wasn't supposed to be necessary. He was supposed to be able to handle this on his own, not have his family understand from the conversations on the phone with Summer that everything was a mess. He was supposed to handle it. After all, it was Seth who lay next to her every night, knowing she cried. It was Seth who saw her put a smile on her face every morning when her eyes never had showed more sadness. He was the only one who could understand her and the one who forced her to hold everything together.
Ryan could probably hear Seth's thinking over the phone. They never usually had silence in their conversations; Seth wasn't the quite type. "Talk to her, Seth. And call us. We'd love for you to come and who knows; maybe it would be a good thing."
Seth swallowed and nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, man. I'll talk to her." Why was it so hard to talk? Why was it that every time he tried, his voice would let him down and his head would hurt from holding back tears? He couldn't even talk to Summer, couldn't say more than a few words. "I'll try."
"I'm very sorry. We did everything we could," the doctor said as she was standing in front of the already devastated parents of a five-year-old girl. She stayed for a few minutes but as neither the mother nor the father uttered a word or even looked at her she left the room for them to say goodbye.
Summer was the first one to move from their place by the end of the bed. She let go of her husband's arm and slowly walked up to the petite girl who lay motionless wrapped in green sheets. She still had her hair in two braids her mother had made that same morning. "Oh," Summer shakily whispered as more tears ran down her already swollen face. She carefully moved a hand up to the girl's bruised face and graced the cold cheeks with her fingers. "No, baby."
Seth moved from where he stood as he heard how Summer's voice cracked and was followed by hysterical sobs. "Seth, do something! Take her back! Turn back time, anything!" She grabbed his arm and pulled at it, yelling at him as she cried. "Give me my daughter back!"
With silent tears streaming down his face Seth forced Summer into his embrace, pushing her shaking body against him and letting her scream at him until she couldn't anymore. While holding her his eyes were on his girl, Lina. She was dead.
"Take her back," Summer whispered into his chest and fell heavy in his arms of exhaustion and devastation.
They didn't talk about it. They never had. Every time one of them mentioned her the other would flinch and the conversation would be over. They didn't have sex and they haven't had since after the funeral. All they did these days was lay together in bed, hold each other and cry very silently. They would hold each other during the day, too. Seth would walk up to Summer and wrap his arms around her as she was occupying herself with laundry or dishes. He would pull her close and let go before either of them began to relax too much and cry. Summer would do the same; she'd pull him in an embrace as he came home from his long walks and hold him so hard that it almost hurt.
The twins would mention her name sometimes but Summer would quickly set their attention to something else. Her name was not to be used, her room not to be opened. It was easier that way. Because dealing with it was too hard.
Seth placed his cup of coffee on the table and put his face in his hands. Summer had been gone with Isaac and Isabelle for five hours and Seth had finished dinner and set the table, something he hadn't done much lately. He hadn't been doing much at all. Sleeping, having his coffee and walking made the days go by.
He kept looking out the window, thinking that he'd see the car pull up on the driveway. Summer did this every day. She'd take the twins out, leave the house for a couple of hours and then come back home to make dinner. Today she hadn't been home in time though so Seth had started and finished dinner. It was past six and he was starting to worry. He'd called a few times but come straight to the answering machine.
After half an hour the front door opened and Summer walked in with a boy and a girl behind her.
"Where were you?" Seth questioned as he walked up to them, letting his worry show through an irritated tone.
They were all nicely dressed, Summer in boots and skirt. She bent down to help Isaac with his jacket. "At church," she simply said and turned to Isabelle. "Can you take these?"
Seth took the coats and began to place them on hangers as he watched Summer help the twins take off their outdoor clothes. "Church? What were you doing at church for so long?"
Summer shrugged. "Sorry I'm late. The kids have already eaten but I'll make something for you and me," she began to walk into the kitchen with a tired Isabelle on her arm. Isaac was sitting on the floor trying to take off his socks.
"Hey, little guy, these stays on, okay?" Seth gently lifted him up and was surprised by how heavy he had become. Seriously, he thought to himself. Has it been that long?
Inside the kitchen Summer had put Isabelle down and was washing her hands. "You made dinner I see. Thanks," she gave him a smile and then turned to Isaac. "Come here. Let's wash your tiny hands, shall we," she cooed and lifted him out of Seth's arms.
"I tried to call you," Seth started as he leaned against the counter.
"My batteries were dead. I should have found a way to call you," she apologized as she went to see what was in the pot.
Seth felt the guilt come over him for the hundredth time that day. "No, it's fine." He couldn't seem to come up with anything to say. What could he say? "So, Ryan called."
Summer lifted her head with a frown. "He did?" Clearly she was surprised that he'd answered the phone at all. Somehow a small smile appeared on her face. "Well, what did he say?"
"You hungry?" Seth motioned for the table and then went inside the family room to put a movie on for the twins. When he came back Summer had sat down by the table and was watching him. Seth took her plate and went to the stove to serve her. "I noticed that you'd charged my phone. Thanks."
Summer looked puzzled but smiled. "Yeah, I guess I should have charged mine too," she said in an attempt to make a joke. Joking was rare these days.
"Summer, I-", Seth began as he joined her with the food. "Ryan said-"
"He asked us to come, right," she calmly said and put food into her mouth. She didn't look at him or show any sign of seriousness.
Seth couldn't eat, couldn't speak. There was nothing he'd rather not do than to fly to his parents and Ryan and ship the twins off. He didn't want them to see him like this and he didn't want to meet their faces. It was too painful. And it wouldn't make her come back.
"He's asked me before, you know," Summer spoke again and this time met his gaze. "I told him no, so don't worry."
Seth knew that Summer never would leave Isaac and Isabelle in their grandparents' home. That would force her to grieve, to feel. And she didn't do that. She kept taking care of him and the twins and the house. Everything to keep herself from feeling to much. The only thing she couldn't do anything about was the nights. She didn't let it out then either though, only silently cried with her back against Seth or she held him while pushing her tears back.
"I think we should go," Seth said and almost surprised himself. This wasn't what he wanted. At all. But it was what they needed and it was time for him to give Summer what she needed. "We need to."
Summer let go of her fork. "Seth, wha-," she began in a quiet voice. "Isaac and Isabelle should be here, Seth. They need us. We don't have to go."
"Summer, we do." Seth sighed but forced himself to continue. "I can't take care of us Summer, and neither can you. We have to go."
"Seth, you can't decide this. I've been doing alright with the twins, the house and everything. If you feel like you can't right now, I understand and it'd fine. Really." Summer was speaking in a calm voice but Seth could see how panic welled up inside of her. "We don't need to go anywhere. Everything should just stay as it's always been."
"Summer, it's not the same without her!" Seth said in a loader voice, forgetting about the small ears in the other room. "We can't just pretend that it's the same because it's not. She's dead, Summer! She's freaking dead!"
Summer rose from the chair, her eyes wet and angry. "Don't you think I know that?! I know!" She flung her arms up in the air and stormed out of the room, making Seth wish that he hadn't said anything. At the same time though, he knew that they couldn't avoid things forever.
"Daddy?" Isabelle had come to the table and Seth quickly brushed his tears away.
"Honey, come here," he softly said and lifted her up, hugging her. "What happened to the movie?"
She looked up at him with her brown eyes, making his insides hurt even more. "Where's mommy?" Seth swallowed and stood up, bringing the small girl with him.
"Mommy's gone to bed, Bella. She was tired."
A/N: I know I haven't updated in forever. Sorry about that. Anyone still interested in S/S stories? Let me know what you though. :)
