Chapter 19

Quatre and I hunkered down beside the truck, waiting for Wufei. He'd been gone for a little while, and we were starting to get worried.

In the silence, the faint popping of gunshots reached our ears. I swore.

"Come on!" I grabbed Quatre and we raced down the street.

Turning the corner, I got a gun stuck in my face, and without thinking, I squeezed the trigger, my finger already tense from the sounds of approaching footsteps.

The guy gave a funny little grunt before bringing his gun down. It was Wufei.

I almost fainted with horror. I was totally paralyzed, and it was Quatre who flew to him, asking him where he'd been shot.

"Upper thigh," he said tightly. "Not arterial, I think. Maybe a little nicked."

"Oh Gods," I moaned.

"02! Get a hold of yourself!" he barked.

"'Fei…I-I…"

Quatre came over and said sharply in my face, "02, move! We have company. Get in front. We're going to the empty house on 4th street."

I responded like any good soldier would to an order in the face from a higher ranking officer, which Quatre was at the moment, and ran ahead, letting Duo Maxwell fade away in favor of the cool, clear mind of a fighter.

Quatre covered us from the back, picking off the guys running after us. Our group's sharpshooter, he was deadly accurate with any sort of projectile, and where he aimed, he hit.

We all had our little areas of expertise in battle. Heero: hacking or anything involving mechanics. Me: stealth and explosives. Trowa: something that required great balance or daring stunts. Quatre: assassination jobs (usually) or more political jobs. Wufei: anything that needed hand to hand combat.

I noticed Wufei falter, and not letting myself remember why it was he was stumbling, gave him my shoulder as support.

I took the most winding route, the most indirect, in the hopes that if we led our pursuers around in enough circles, they'd just give up. At the least, they shouldn't be able to figure out exactly where we were headed.

Finally, we lost them, because they'd grown so fearful of Quatre's shots, they didn't even dare to poke their heads around a corner just to have a bullet split their skulls.

I took us through the backyard, and picked the lock on the back door. It was ridiculously weak. It took me nearly three minutes to get through it, my hands were shaking so.

Almost falling through the door when it opened, I turned and literally picked Wufei up to lay him on an old, decrepit couch.

"Gods…" My hands flinched from touching his wound…there was so much blood on his leg.

Quatre shoved me out of the way, realizing, I think, that I was totally incapacitated, and got rid of Wufei's shorts.

I almost threw up.

"He's right. It's not an arterial wound. Give me the medic pack." He held out a hand, and I scrambled to get it to him.

I couldn't do a thing…my hands were shaking like I had the ague and I was thoroughly beating myself up over everything I'd done wrong, namely, shooting Wufei.

When Quatre finished wrapping the tourniquet, he turned to me, and said, still with that authoritative stance that totally dominated me, "Go talk to him."

I walked numbly over to sit beside him.

He looked at me a little woozily, from the painkillers Quatre had managed to give him, and I couldn't have opened my mouth, I think, even if there was a freakin' lobster inside scrabbling to get out.

"'twasn't your fault, Duo," he said, slurring his words a little. For a moment, I all I could think, bizarrely, was, he called me Duo.

"I shot you." I finally heard the words out loud, and then it was all I could hear. "I shot you, 'Fei. I shot you, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. I shouldn't have done that. I should've kept my finger from the trigger. I shouldn't have shot you."

My little mantra, and I couldn't stop it - the blood was just seeping through still, and on the floor, little pools of dark, coagulating blood, and I was just about to lose it.

"It wasn't your fault," he insisted.

"It was! Nothing excuses shooting you, any of you guys!" I cried.

"Nothing!" I threw something at the wall…I'm not really sure what it was. "I could've killed you!"

Quatre ran in at the clattering noise. "Duo!" he said. "Stop it!"

"I'm sorry," I moaned. "So sorry, for everything."

"Wasn't his fault," Wufei said fuzzily to Quatre.

"It wasn't your fault," Quatre related firmly. "Your instincts kicked in before your brain; it happens to all of us. It's saved all our lives before. The circumstances were unfortunate this time, that's all."

"I could've killed him," I said again. They just looked at me. "Why aren't you understanding?" I cried, ready to rip the hair from my head. "This isn't some small thing; this is, this is…"

Quatre suddenly said, "Go to sleep. Wufei's barely keeping his eyes open and you need the rest. I'll take watch."

"No…we said we wouldn't-" I objected.

"I'm not going to let you stay by yourself for hours tonight," Quatre said firmly. "Go to sleep."

"No!" All of a sudden, I was just terribly enraged. At what exactly, I couldn't say. "I'm staying awake." I lifted my chin intransigently.

"Duo…"

"Stop it! I'm the reason we're in this damn mess! If anyone should be pulling an all-nighter, it should be me!" I shot up and started to prowl around restlessly.

"Duo, sit down," he instructed steadily.

"Stop! Stop giving me orders like I'm your, your damn servant!" I hadn't really meant to yell at Quatre, and I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth.

Quatre looked like I'd slapped him.

"I'm sorry, Quatre. I didn't mean that." I just collapsed onto the floor, and stared up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry. I'm such an asshole," I said bitterly. "First I shoot 'Fei, then I get mad at you. Obviously something wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you. Stop blaming yourself."

"Stop blaming myself?" I laughed dismally. "For what? Something I did, maybe?"

"Duo!" Quatre shouted in my face. "I've had enough! It was not your fault, so shut up and stop it!"

"But it was my fault" I said in a small voice.

He took a deep breath, then said calmly, "You are going to sleep. Now. Tomorrow morning, you will wake up, and you will talk to Wufei. He will pound some sense into your head. Is that understood?"

I opened my mouth, and he said, "Before you piss me off." The narrow-eyed look told me that I'd already failed at that and I decided not to push it.

"Yes sir," I said defiantly.

Then I settled down to pretend to sleep. He might've gotten me to agree to letting him take the watch, but there was no way I was going to enjoy the luxury of rest while he didn't. Or chance having a nightmare that'd scare him out of his mind again.

I thought I'd fooled him until he said, very quietly, "Duo, if you don't go to sleep right now, I will go over there and knock you out myself."

Obstinately, I didn't move, but didn't follow his order either.

He got up, walked over, and I didn't actually believe he'd do it until I felt a pressure on the back of my neck.

"Quatre-" I began, and he pressed.

I think the Dreammaker must've been an extremely depraved little man. I sort of have an image of a short, balding little man, beady little eyes, and the most annoying high-pitched giggle…that's the kind of guy who could send me my nightmares. He must really have a field day with me.

This night, I killed Wufei. The shot went high, and took him right in the chest. He gurgled at me with the most horribly betrayed look in his eyes, before collapsing, his blood pooling all over the sidewalk. Then, something truly ghastly took hold of me, and I turned my gun on Quatre.

I struggled back into unconsciousness with the image of his blue eye exploding.

When I finally managed to get my breathing down to a point where it didn't sound like I was hyperventilating, and checked and double-checked that they were both alive, I decided I was very unhappy with dear little fucking Quatre.

"If you ever try that again…" Glaring at him, I pulled myself into an upright position.

He met my eyes contumaciously. "You needed sleep. And you deserved that."

The air between us crackled with unspoken anger.

Wufei shifted on the couch, and our attentions were diverted from each other. However, he appeared to still be sleeping, so we relaxed.

Nothing passed between us, and we refused to look at each other and the air was about trembling with my anger and his stubborn set of his mouth. That continued until Wufei woke.

When he saw me, the first thing he said…can you believe it? The first damn thing he said was, "It wasn't your fault."

Everything just kind of…exploded out of me then. "The hell it wasn't my fault! Stop lying to me!"

"I'm not lying," he said reproachfully. "If I'd walked into a gun in my face, my first reaction would've been to shoot as well."

"But you didn't shoot when I nearly walked into you! You held yourself back…you controlled yourself," I said, anguished.

"I didn't have a gun in my face," he growled.

"It shouldn't make a difference!" I cried.

"It damn well does make a difference. If I hadn't messed things up and been noticed, none of this would've happened!" He said, punching the side of the couch.

"Everybody messes up every once in a while," I snapped. "Your mistake was forgivable, mine was not."

"It would only be unforgivable if you had shot with the intention to kill, knowing that it was me," he said viciously.

"I should've known! I should've known that the first person we'd run into was you!" I exclaimed passionately. "Gods, 'Fei, I did so many things wrong! I should have waited by the car when I heard the gunshots, but I was afraid you'd gotten hurt, and I just took off! I should have thought things through! I should've known it was you! I should've established it was you before just going and shooting!" All the 'should haves' burst out, and I shook my head furiously.

"Gods…I was…I was such a damn freakin' idiot!" You were…kind of. You still are, Other Duo agreed.

I think they both tried to say something right then, but I kept going, the words just kept pouring out. "And then when I realized…realized I-I'd shot you, I froze! I fucking froze! I was totally useless! I just stared while Quatre acted so…so much better than I did! I couldn't do anything, just listen to him, and I was the one who'd shot you…" I looked at him miserably.

"Maxwell…for Christ's sake…just…come over here, alright?"

He clasped my arm in a hard grip, pulled me down, and growled in my ear, "I forgive you, alright? It was never your damn fault in the first place, but whatever you think you did wrong, I forgive you."

"I shot you, 'Fei." I replied almost incredulously. "That's what I did wrong."

"Duo," Quatre said from behind me, "remember, I almost killed Trowa, as well."

"That's totally different! Remember, Wing Zero, hello? It wasn't you who did anything."

"If we think about it your way," he snapped, "then the whole thing was my fault because I should've been able to not let it get a hold of me, or I should've been able to fight it."

I wasn't convinced.

I could see him visibly trying to control himself from rolling his eyes, and he attacked from a different angle, appealing to logic instead of emotion. "Put it this way, trying to control your instincts is just as, if not more, difficult than fighting Wing Zero."

"But…" My resistance was weakening. That was kind of strange. I should've been able to last for at least a week.

"And when you shot Heero, you knew you did what you had to do? Why are you beating yourself up so over this?" Wufei asked.

"I…shot Heero." It'd never really hit me that I'd pointed my gun at him, and let loose with a bullet. Not only once, but twice. The color drained from my face, and I was pretty sure that I was gonna collapse at any moment. It was like they'd been damping my fire slowly, but surely, and then they'd stoked it up again with about half a gallon of gasoline.

"Oh, for…"

"See! I must have some…some curse or something! I've shot two of us now! Soon enough, I'll probably end up shooting you, Quatre, and it'll be fatal!" I was pretty distraught by now. Oh gods…I already did. Oh gods oh gods oh gods OH GODS!

Wufei slapped me on my cheek.

I stopped, staring at him, mouth open.

"Maxwell…calm down."

"I'm sorry, 'Fei," I said miserably.

They sighed.

"Let's change your bandage," Quatre said.

"Can I help?" I asked timidly.

"Of course. Get some new gauze out, and pass me the antiseptic."

I passed them to him docilely, and forced myself to see how badly I'd hurt Wufei.

Pretty badly. I swallowed. Just a centimeter closer to his artery, and I would have killed him. No, remember, you already did. I forced down a hysterical chuckle.

"I'm sorry, 'Fei."

He groaned. "Shut up already, Maxwell! Are you trying to irritate me to an early grave?"

Quatre said quickly, "Wufei should be strong enough to pilot Shenlong in about four days, we can go back to the others then."

"Okay."

Can you go without sleep for four more days? Other Duo wondered. You've already skipped two nights of sleep, for this mission.

I'll manage, I snapped.

And I tried to. I really did.

I didn't sleep the next day.

Quatre and Wufei had sort of given up on persuading me not to blame myself, afraid, I think, of triggering another panic attack like they had when they mentioned me shooting Heero.

All day, whenever I looked at Wufei, I got the most horrid feeling…I felt…damned.

I'd shot him. And not only in my dreams. For real. What kind of person does that kind of thing?

The nightmares caught up with me the day after. During my watch, at night, I nodded off. It took me completely by surprise.

The dream had…evolved, I guess. It wasn't just Wufei and Quatre now, but I ended up destroying Heero and Trowa as well. Destroying? Guns, explosives, bombs…it shocks me how creative I can be in my dreams. And the details were jarringly fine and sharp, by the way.

I think…watching somebody who was me and yet, not me, drill Heero with holes kind of…drove me a little, crazy, I guess.

When I woke up, it was bare minutes before the sunrise, and I can't even begin to describe what I was feeling. I wasn't quite in my right mind, anyway. Sleep deprivation – or the closest thing to it, anyway…my own screwed thinking…sanity wasn't really high up on my list at the moment.

About the other guys…oh gods…how could I ever face them?

I didn't know if I'd ever be able to work with explosives again without thinking of Trowa being blown up, or Quatre walking into a building that was suddenly set on fire. As for guns…I shuddered.

I realized, with a kind of despair, that I might never be able to soldier again.

Then Quatre woke up, and I pushed those thoughts away.

No more sleeping, I resolved.

Again, I kept that vow for all of two days.

Quatre and Wufei were getting a little…nervous.

They saw the circles under my eyes, and my mind was getting kind of hazy.

I'm not really quite sure what I was thinking.

And when Quatre tried to convince me to leave early, to Heero, I'd grown so agitated that he hadn't dared ask again.

Even through my drowsiness, I felt so goddamn guilty over what I'd done to Wufei. It had become a habit, now, to tell him, "I'm sorry, 'Fei," whenever something made me remember that I'd shot him.

He always sighed, or groaned, or did something of that variation.

The times my mind cleared up a little, I berated myself furiously for worrying Wufei and Quatre so, and tried to walk with a little less…drag in my step.

One of those times, Wufei told me, I think, in a last ditch effort, to make me give up my burden of guilt, "Maxwell…whatever wrong you think you've done me…your slate's wiped clean. You and the others are honestly the only people who've ever made me feel like I belonged. Do you think I would care about a stupid little flesh wound so much? What are you beating yourself up over? Where's the Duo Maxwell I knew?" He looked me straight in the eye, serious and grim. "You have not…fought this - at all. So you messed up. So what? Everyone makes mistakes," and it liked it was killing him to say the next part, "even I have made mistakes that make myself hard to live with. But you cannot allow yourself to be debilitated in such a manner. It is not worthy of a Gundam pilot." His voice hardened and softened at the same time. "It is not worthy of you, Maxwell."

His words pulled me from the tunnel I'd been walking in. I'm not really sure why he'd gotten through; perhaps it was just the rarity of having a heart-to-heart with, of anyone, Wufei. Perhaps he'd just picked a good time. But after his equally piercing stare and words, I just kind of stepped back, kind of held myself out, twisting this way and that, and well, I'd really been kind of overdoing it. Not to say I won't feel guilt till the day I die over that split-second moment, but what was I doing? Shouldn't I know that absolution isn't received by the guy who whimpers and wallows, but the guy who stands up, blows all his enemies to fucking hell, and makes the world a better place?

And then I realized I was going to be beating myself up again, so I just…stopped. I'm a procrastinator of the worst sort; I'll sort my feelings out tomorrow, I think, and then tomorrow comes, and I just can't bear to open up that can of worms, and so I wait for the never ending tomorrow that never comes. But it works, okay?

Anyway, I think Wufei and Quatre were just so damn relieved to see my back to normal, and I'm sure Wufei gloated privately to himself that it'd been him who'd pulled me out, that they almost never mentioned the incident again.

By the time we'd gotten back, Wufei'd almost completely healed, and if Quatre'd told them truth, or made some bull story, I never asked. Like I said, I'm the 'tomorrow procrastinator.' But perhaps I'll ask Heero sometime. When we're twisted, cranky, bald, old men and we can laugh at how trigger-happy and idiotic we were.